by Bruce Lansky
After that I’ll get some gum
and squoosh it in his hair,
then put a glob of itching cream
inside his underwear.
I’ll pluck his nose hairs one by one
and light them all on fire,
and load his catcher’s mitt with glue
and whack him with a tire.
Really, I’ll do this and more
(I’ve got to take a stand).
The next time that my brother snaps
me with a rubber band.
Joyce Armor
Forgetful
My sister woke up in the morning.
She had to go potty real bad.
I must have forgotten to put the seat down.
She fell in the toilet—how sad.
She yelled and she screamed and she hollered.
There’s no doubt that she was upset.
Whenever my sister is nasty to me,
it seems that I always forget.
Bruce Lansky
My Sister’s Always on the Phone
My sister’s always on the phone,
I never see her study.
She doesn’t do her homework,
which is why her grades are cruddy.
My sister’s always on the phone,
but I don’t think that’s cool.
My sister is so popular
she’s flunking out of school.
Bruce Lansky
School Rules
Do not oversleep and miss the school bus,
you’ll be late.
That’s a habit teachers generally
don’t appreciate.
Never call your teacher a name
when she’s not near you.
Teachers’ ears are excellent,
so they can always hear you.
Never tell your friends at school
that you still wet your bed.
They are sure to tease you,
and you’ll wish that you were dead.
If you go out for a team
it’s always wise to practice.
When you are a substitute,
the bench can feel like cactus.
Do not read a textbook when your hands
aren’t clean, it’s tricky
to separate the pages when the pages
get real sticky.
Never copy homework from a friend
who is a dummy.
If you do, I guarantee
your homework will be crummy.
And if your report card’s bad,
don’t blame it on your buddy.
Kiss up to your parents quick,
or they might make you study.
Bruce Lansky
Lunch Lines
She slops up the glop
with a splattery plop.
It’s a mushpot of pig swill and worms.
It’s oozy! It’s icky!
Though I may seem picky,
I don’t like a hot dish that squirms.
Dave Crawley
The Field Trip
The bus engine roared as we clambered on board
and took the first seats we could find.
Matthew had thought he’d have time for the bathroom,
but somehow we left him behind.
Pete put a beetle down Eleanor’s back.
He just didn’t think she would mind.
And Alex threw Tyler’s new coat out the window
when Tyler said something unkind.
It rained down a fuss when we got off the bus.
Our teacher was soaked to the skin.
And then when she found she forgot all our lunches,
her patience began to wear thin.
She got so befuddled, she stepped in a puddle.
The water went up to her shin.
And I’d gladly say what she said when it happened,
but I know that swearing’s a sin.
We moaned and we groaned as we started back home,
cranky, exhausted, and spent.
Sally was certain her stomach was hurtin’.
We soon understood what she meant.
My teacher might feel that this trip was a failure.
I’m sure that was not her intent.
I’ll tell her we had the most wonderful time.
I just can’t recall where we went.
Eric Ode
Food Fight
We’d never seen the teachers
in a state of such distress.
The principal was yelling
that the lunchroom was a mess.
It started off so innocent
when someone threw a bun,
but all the other kids decided
they should join the fun.
It instantly turned into
an enormous lunchroom feud,
as students started hurling
all their halfway-eaten food.
A glob went whizzing through the air,
impacting on the wall.
Another chunk went sailing out
the doorway to the hall.
The food was splattered everywhere—
the ceilings, walls, and doors.
A sloppy, gloppy mess was on
the tables and the floors.
And so our good custodian
ran out to grab his mop.
It took him half the afternoon
to clean up all the slop.
The teachers even used some words
we’re not supposed to mention.
And that’s how all the kids and teachers
wound up in detention.
Kenn Nesbitt
I Brought My Grandma’s Teeth to School
I brought my grandma’s teeth to school to share for show-and-tell.
Billy showed his sneakers. It was more like show-and-smell.
Kevin brought a violin and showed he couldn’t play.
Katie brought her snake to school—too bad it got away.
Our class likes show-and-tell a lot, so we were sad to hear
our teacher say that show-and-tell is canceled till next year.
Robert Pottle
My Teacher Sees Right Through Me
I didn’t do my homework.
My teacher asked me, “Why?”
I answered him, “It’s much too hard.”
He said, “You didn’t try.”
I told him, “My dog ate it.”
He said, “You have no dog.”
I said, “I went out running.”
He said, “You never jog.”
I told him, “I had chores to do.”
He said, “You watched TV.”
I said, “I saw the doctor.”
He said, “You were with me.”
My teacher sees right through my fibs,
which makes me very sad.
It’s hard to fool your teacher
when your teacher is your dad.
Bruce Lansky
Oops!
Three coffee cups my mother loved
lie shattered on the floor.
Three ripe tomatoes splattered
when they hit the kitchen door.
Three jumbo eggs are scrambled.
But they’re not on a plate.
Three loaves of bread are crumbled.
I’ll use the crumbs for bait.
Three Barbie dolls have lost their heads.
Three pepper mills are smashed.
Three goldfish died while doing flips.
Three model airplanes crashed.
Three lettuce heads unraveled.
Three onions came unpeeled.
My parents didn’t know who did it
till my sister squealed.
My parents are befuddled.
They think that I’ve gone nuts.
But there’s a simpler explanation:
I’m a juggling klutz.
Bruce Lansky
A Balanced Diet
I eat a balanced diet,
; I do it day and night—
a pound of brownies on my left,
a pound upon my right.
And filling up my right hand,
with clear and certain heft,
a twelve-ounce bag of jellybeans.
The same is on my left.
A candy cane in one hand,
and likewise in the other.
There are equal sweets on either side,
a big frown from my mother.
I eat a balanced diet,
but my mother disagrees.
I just don’t understand it.
She’s so darned hard to please!
Robert Scotellaro
An “Everything” Pizza
I ordered an “everything” pizza,
which probably was a mistake.
For it came with a bagful of doughnuts;
it came with a shovel and rake.
It came with a woman named Ida.
It came with a man from Peru.
It came with a half jar of peanuts.
It came with somebody’s left shoe.
It came with a clown from the circus.
It came with a butterfly net.
It came with a small piece of Kleenex
that was used by Marie Antoinette.
It came with an open umbrella.
It came with some old smelly socks.
It came with a picture of Lassie,
and two lovely grandfather clocks.
It came with a nice set of dishes.
It came with a stale loaf of bread.
It came with a sack of potatoes.
It came with a four-poster bed.
It came with a dining room table.
It came with a washer and dryer.
It came with a broken guitar string.
It came with a radial tire.
It came with a golden retriever.
It came with a basket of fruit.
It came with a bottle of mustard.
It came with a red rubber boot.
It came with a college professor.
It came with a hive full of bees.
And then—this is simply amazing—
they forgot to put on any cheese!
Linda J. Knaus
Big Mary
Mary had a little lamb,
a little toast,
a little jam,
a little pizza
and some cake,
some French fries
and a chocolate shake,
a little burger
on a bun.
And that’s why Mary
weighs a ton.
Bill Dodds
Powdered Sugar
I hurried in the restaurant
to have a special treat.
I ordered pancakes covered with
my favorite thing to eat.
It wasn’t maple syrup,
not molasses, honey, jam.
I said, “Put heaps and piles
of powdered sugar on it Ma’am.”
The food arrived completely coated
with the tasty fluff.
I cut a bite and raised my fork
to gobble up the stuff.
Instead, I goofed—I breathed it in
and quickly had to cough.
My choking blasted
all the luscious
pancake topping off.
I blew a powdered sugar storm
that flurried ‘round the room.
It snowed on the linoleum—
the waitress got a broom.
It fell on heads like dandruff flakes.
It frosted every light.
It powdered babies’ bottoms,
and turned chocolate milk to white.
I blinked, and rubbed my cloudy eyes,
and sneezed a snow-white booger.
I saw my pancakes, and I said,
“I need more powdered sugar!”
Sydnie Meltzer Kleinhenz
Little Miss Muffet
Little Miss Muffet
sat on a tuffet
eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider
who sat down beside her.
And since she was still hungry,
she ate the spider, too.
Bruce Lansky
The Yuckiest Sandwich
Take a slice of moldy bread.
Spread it thick with mud.
Add an onion ring or two,
topped with slimy crud.
Sprinkle fish food all around—
add a dried-up bug.
Smear the whole thing with the lint
you picked up off the rug.
Garnish it with coffee grounds
or hair spray from your mother.
Then wrap it up in cellophane
and give it to your brother!
Ellen Jackson
Table Manners
If I were to make up the etiquette rules,
it wouldn’t be too impolite
to reach for the biggest dessert on the tray
and gobble it down in one bite;
to beat on my brother with drumsticks;
eat corn on the cob with my toes;
stand up on my chair and shout, “Food fight!”
hang string beans right out of my nose.
I’d say it’s okay to blow bubbles in milk;
to dribble and slobber and slurp;
to yackety-yak with my mouth full of food,
then swallow and let out a burp.
It wouldn’t be crude to bounce meatballs,
to hide all the veggies I hate,
stick bubble gum under the table,
or lick all my fingers and plate.
And after I made up the etiquette rules
there’s one other thing I would do.
Whenever my parents are eating,
I’d make them obey the rules, too.
Joan Horton
Sound Off!
Our bodies sound off all the time.
What noises we can make!
It happens when we’re fast asleep,
or when we’re wide awake.
Hands clap and slap, and fingers snap.
We cough and sneeze and snore.
Our hungry stomachs growl for food,
then rumble for some more.
Our feet tap and our bones go pop.
Our lips smack and they slurp.
But most unusual of all
is when our bottoms burp!
Susan D. Anderson
Strongest Team
We’re the strongest team in town,
as other teams can tell.
We haven’t got the strongest arms.
We’ve got the strongest smell.
Ted Scheu
Sprinkles
If you sprinkle
when you tinkle,
please be neat
and wipe the seat.
Anonymous
The Curse of the Foul-Smelling Armpit
The curse of the foul-smelling armpit
is the one thing it’s best to avoid;
it’s a HORROR that lurks unsuspecting
and has many a friendship destroyed.
For people no longer stand near you—
they throw back their heads in despair
and rush away looking quite frantic,
the shock is just TOO MUCH to bear!
When questioned, nine out of ten people
agreed they would much rather spend
a night in a CREEPY OLD CASTLE
than next to a ‘foul armpit’ friend!
The president said in the White House,
“It’s the very best WEAPON we’ve got!
Much stronger than onions and garlic,
or cabbages starting to rot!”
If thousands of men with foul armpits
could parachute down from the sky
right onto an enemy army,
they’d force them to curl up and die!
No we
apon could match this performance;
we’d win without firing a gun!
Defense cuts would run into BILLIONS—
and fighting a war would be fun!
To people with foul-smelling armpits
the message is clear as can be:
BUY A SPRAY and your friends will be glad that
you don’t smell as grungy as me!
Trevor Harvey
On a Swing
On a swing
it’s fun to fly
in swooping loops
that touch the sky.
And while you soar
and dive and dance,
the world can see
your underpants.
Ted Scheu
Clear As Mud
I go to bed each morning.
I wake up every night.
I spill my milk at breakfast,
and then turn on the light.
Each day I miss the school bus.
I never have been late.
I don’t turn in my homework.
My teacher thinks I’m great.
My favorite game is basketball.
I cannot sink a shot.
We haven’t won a single game.
Our team is getting hot!
Last year I was in high school.
Now I’m in second grade.
Next year I’ll be in daycare.
I’ll really have it made!
When I grow up, I’m hoping
a baby I can be:
a pacifier in my mouth,
my cradle in a tree.
This poem’s so confusing.
It’s all so crystal clear.
Perhaps I’ll understand it
when I am born next year.
Bruce Lansky
Miss Veronica Blair
Miss Veronica Blair had long, beautiful hair,
but Veronica hated shampooing it.
She wanted no more of the tedious chore,
so one day she simply stopped doing it.
She piled it instead on the top of her head
back away from her face and her ears,
