by Amare, Mercy
“Nothing could ever make me change my mind about you,” I said in a very firm voice. I wanted her to understand just how much I cared about her. “Lucy...” I cut off. I was about to say I love you.
“What is it?” she pressed.
“Nothing... I'm just... I'm glad you're here with me.”
“Me too,” she agreed, as she put her head back on my shoulder. I liked it there.
There were so many unanswered questions, so many things I wanted to say, but in that moment none of it mattered. The only thing that mattered to me was Lucy.
We sat there in silence for what felt like hours. Us being together, it felt right. I didn't know what the future held, I hoped her, but even if she broke my heart, it would all be worth it in the end, because Lucy is worth.
…
Lucy
That night, I thought about my day spent with Ian. I couldn't help but smile when I thought about him and me together. It just felt right, like I was supposed to be with him.
I pulled out my journal.
When it comes to Ian, everything comes naturally. We don't have to try to be together, we just are. And that is why I like spending time with him. I can just be me. No pretending, and no fake smiles. Just me and him. It's like I have my own world with Ian... When I'm with him, I forget about my mom's death. I forget about my abusive, alcoholic father. It's just the two of us, and it makes everything better for a while.
My reality sucks. I can pretend all I want, but nothing will change the facts. I'm lying to myself and to Ian, but the thing is, I can't stop. I don't WANT to stop. I'm so selfish. I NEED Ian. He makes me feel better, normal even.
I can't help but wonder how long I have with him. Days? Weeks? Months? What I really want is forever, but I have to be realistic. I have to remind myself the truth. I won't have Ian forever. So, while I do have him in my life, I will enjoy every second, because in the end, all I will have is memories... And what good memories they are.
I heard stumbling in the living room, so I shut my journal and shut off my lamp. Even though Charles hadn't hit me in a couple of weeks, I didn't want to take any chances. I knew that the abusive guy still lived inside him somewhere, and I didn't want to provoke him.
I heard a knock on my door. I quickly closed my eyes and pretended that I was asleep.
Maybe he will go away.
My door swung open. “Wake up you little whore,” I heard his slurred voice.
My stomach dropped at the sound.
God, please, not tonight. Please, don't let him hurt me, I prayed.
I sat up on my bed. “Hey, Dad,” I tried not to sound scared.
“You're the reason she died,” his voice was full of malice and hate. He stepped closer and shoved me. I fell off the bed backward. I got off the floor and stood by my window, wishing I could escape.
“She didn't even want kids.” His words stung. I could feel my eyes start to fill with tears. He stepped closer to me, and I braced myself for a hit. He laughed. “You're not worth the effort it takes to hit you.”
He pushed me against my open window. When he did, I fell out backwards. When I felt myself hit the ground, everything turned black.
…
Ian
When I showed up at Lucy's house Sunday morning, she wasn't waiting outside for me. I knew better than to knock on the door today, so I walked around to the side where her window was. I started to knock, but her window was open. I looked inside and saw her lying on her bed. She was covered in dirt and dried blood.
“Lucy!” I climbed through her window as quickly as possible. She looked up at me for a second and then hid her face with her arm.
“Ian, please go away.” Tears ran freely down her face.
Her words hurt. I hated that she was pushing me away again.
I suddenly felt very selfish. I knew that I shouldn't be worrying about my own feelings. “What happened?” I asked her, ignoring her request.
“I fell out of my window.” Lucy avoided eye contact as she explained. I knew that she was lying to me, but at that moment, I really didn't care about anything but making sure she was ok.
“Look at me,” I demanded her. She obeyed. When she looked at me, I could see that the cut on her forehead was pretty severe. “You need stitches. I have to take you to the hospital.”
“I can't!” she began to tremble.
“Why can't you go, Lucy?”
“Do you believe me?” her voice broke up. “Do you believe that I fell out of the window?”
I looked at her for a moment, unsure of how to respond. Finally, being honest, I shook my head. “No, Lucy, I don't believe you fell out the window.”
“Then why would they believe me at the hospital?”
“I don't understand.”
“I didn't just fall out of the window, Ian.” Her voice was cold and withdrawn.
“Then what happened?” I took her hands in mine. I was glad when she didn't push me away.
She lowered her voice to a whisper. “You have to promise you won't tell anybody.”
I shook my head. “I don't know if I can promise you something like that. I need to know what it is first. I can't... If somebody is hurting you... I have to protect you, Lucy.”
“Please. If you care about me at all, even a little, you have to promise me. Promise you won't tell anybody.” I could hear the panic in her voice.
“Please tell me.” I couldn't promise. I just couldn't.
“Promise me.”
I sighed and nodded my head. I hated making a promise that I wasn't sure I could keep, but I had to know. I had to protect her. “Fine. I won't tell anybody.”
She took a deep breath and her voice stayed a whisper. “Sometimes, when my dad drinks, he get's mean. I know that it's not really him. He's just had a hard time dealing with my mom's death. And last night he kind of... shoved me...”
“Are you saying that your dad did this to you?” I struggled to keep my voice low. The fact that he was in the next room made it even harder.
Without looking me in the eye, she nodded her head.
“Lucy, we have to tell somebody!” I started to stand up, but she grabbed my arm.
“No, Ian, don't tell. You promised.” I could hear the panic in her voice. “Please.”
I sighed and nodded. As much as it killed me, I would keep her secret... At least until I figured out what to do about it. “At least let me take you to the hospital. We will make up a story on the way. Please.”
“Ok,” she nodded.
On the way to the hospital, Lucy didn't say one word. She sat as far away from me in my truck as she could. She had stopped crying, but she was shaking. I turned the heat up, but I had a feeling she wasn't shaking from the cold. I hated that she was scared. I hated that I couldn't protect her.
I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to tell her everything would be ok, but I couldn't. I didn't know if anything would be ok. At least not while she was still around her drunken father.
I didn't understand her reasons for not wanting to tell anybody, but I would find out, and I would try to change her mind... I would do everything in my power to keep Lucy safe.
Seven
The truth hurts
I can't even look Lucy in the eyes. I see the hurt in them, and it kills me. I can't stand that she is hurting, but what I hate the most is that there is nothing I can do to make it better.
I want to rescue her. I've come very close to talking to my father, but I know him... He wouldn't keep things between us. He would tell the police, and then Lucy would never talk to me again. She wouldn't forgive me.
Maybe that would be for the best, even if she hated me for the rest of her life. Her safety should be my number one priority.
But, I promised her.
I went over the options in my head a hundred times, over and over and over. The migraine had become a permanent reminder... Lucy covered in blood. Lucy crying. Lucy hurting... It would forever be burnt into my memory.
More t
han anything though, I wanted to bust into Lucy's house and beat her father. He is the one who did this to her. He made her like this, and he is the one who deserves to pay. He deserves to have bruises, not Lucy.
I sighed, frustrated. There was nothing that I could do. I was completely helpless.
…
Lucy
Ian and I hadn't talked much since Sunday afternoon. Sure, I rode to school with him, and we hung out at the lake, but it wasn't the same. He didn't look at me the same way, and he avoided any prolonged eye contact. It hurt to think about it.
I pulled out my journal to write, thinking maybe putting my feelings on paper would somehow help.
I now know what true heartbreak feels like... And let me just say, IT SUCKS. I don't think that I will ever recover.
I wish I could hit rewind. I want things to go back to the way they were. I honestly wish that I never would have told Ian the truth.
I thought he loved me. I didn't think it would make a difference in how he felt about me... But I was wrong.
Maybe my father is right. Maybe I am good for nothing.
Once I started crying, I put away my journal. I was wrong. Putting it on paper didn't make me feel better. If anything, I felt worse.
There was no school on Friday, so Thursday night Tess invited me to stay the night with her. I needed to hang out with her. I needed to forget everything that had gone on between Ian and me, so I agreed. Besides, I desperately needed to get out of my own house and away from Charles.
Since he pushed me out of the window, he had become catatonic. He didn't say a word to me, which was a good thing. He hadn't hit me, or pushed me, and basically ignored the fact that I existed. He just sat in the recliner, drinking whiskey, and listening to Johnny Cash over and over. If I never heard Ring of Fire again, I would die happy.
Thursday after school, Tess stopped by the grocery store and picked up a 24 pack of Red Bull... I knew I was in for a long night.
“Please tell me were not drinking all of that tonight,” I said, eying the case.
She laughed. “Of course not. Red Bull is expensive. This should last us at least 3 days.”
“Wow, Tess, you have a serious problem. Maybe there is some kind of support group you can join, Red Bull Anonymous.”
She rolled my eyes dramatically and put her hands on her hips. “Just for that, you only get one.” She opened her fridge and stuck the case inside. She quickly turned back around towards me. “So, what's the deal with you and Ian?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Nothing is going on,” I lied. I honestly didn't want the subject of Ian brought up out of fear that I would cry.
“You had a date last week. And you spent like the whole weekend with him. Not to mention, he's been giving you rides to and from school. I'm your best friend and I deserve to know what's going on between you and the guy you're ditching me for.”
“It's... I don't know... Things were going so well. He gave me a ride back from the game last week, and we went out. We had a picnic by the lake Friday night, he tried to teach me how to drive his truck... But, you know how my dad is. I just don't think he understands,” I answered honestly. “He deserves better than me.”
Tess looked angry. “Don't ever say that about yourself... That you're not good enough... Really, Lucy? Because, if anything, he's not good enough for you. I can't believe he made you feel that way.”
“No, no. It wasn't him. It's me. This is all me and how I feel.”
“Lucy Pierce...” she shook her head. “Do you not realize how lucky he is to have such an amazing girl? So what you've got family issues. Everybody has issues.”
I wanted to believe her, but she didn't know how bad my issues were. So instead, I changed the subject. “So how was the ride back with Addison and Mandy?”
“Oh em gee, I can't believe you ditched me with them. Even for a hot guy. That was so mean!”
“You're the one who invited them to begin with,” I reminded her.
“They didn't have a ride, and Mrs. Fritz was standing right beside me when they asked. What was I supposed to say? I don't let dirty skanks ride with me, sorry?”
I couldn't help but laugh. “I have a feeling you would have said it if the principal wasn't standing there.”
“Definitely,” she nodded her head in agreement. “I can't stand those two... Do you realize how hard it is to find a guy at our school that hasn't slept with one of them? It's like... impossible! I swear, I will never have a boyfriend.”
“You're probably right,” I said sarcastically. “You'll never find true love. I bet you will even become a crazy cat lady before you even graduate college.”
Tess is the most dramatic person on the planet, and I couldn't help but make fun of her. She pouted her lip out. “You're my best friend. You're supposed to encourage me and tell me how awesome I am. You're not supposed to agree with me.”
“I thought as your best friend I was supposed to be honest, no matter how brutal the truth is,” I joked.
“Fine... Just for that, I'm going to make you wear a really hideous maid of honor dress in my wedding.”
“Yeah right. I know you better than that. I'll be in something super tight, and super revealing. Your wedding will be more like a fashion show.”
“True,” she agreed. “So, are you ready for a Pretty Little Liars marathon?”
We spent the rest of our night drooling over the hot guys on TV, drinking Red Bull, and eating junk food. It was great.
…
Ian
Lucy was spending Thursday night at Tess' house, so I went to Mason's house. He has a pool table in his basement, and I was determined to beat him at least once, which was hard considering he could practice all the time.
I shot, and I missed. Mason laughed. “You suck.”
“Ouch,” I said, putting my hands over my heart. “That hurt.”
“Just being brutally honestly.”
“The truth hurts,” I laughed.
Mason made his shot. “We have another month before college applications are due.”
I sighed. “I know. And I don't have my name written on one yet. What about you?”
He knocked his second shot in. “You know my dad. I have them all filled out, essays wrote and proofread one hundred times.”
I used to feel sorry for Mason. His father is overbearing, and controlling. Now I see that he's lucky. At least his dad is looking out for him. His dad cares. I'm sure Lucy would give anything to have her father care. “You're lucky their done.”
He laughed bitterly. “Yeah, until dad decides I should apply to one more college. It's always one more.”
“Pretty soon you'll be off at college and your dad will be here. Don't sweat it. Enjoy your senior year, worry free.”
“Says you. Your dad doesn't care where you go as long as your happy.”
I wanted a subject change. “Are you coming to the fall festival tomorrow night at church?”
Mason rolled his eyes and snorted. “Please... Me go to church?” Finally, he missed his third shot and it was my turn again.
“It's not really church,” I explain as I leaned down to make my shot. “It's just games, food, a hay ride, fun stuff.”
“Still not my scene. I'd rather not be spotted at church. The girls will think I've gone soft. It's bad enough that I hang out with the pastor's son.”
I made my shot, so I ignored his comment to shoot again. Lately, Mason's snarky attitude had gotten worse.
No matter how hard I tried to unwind, my mind was on Lucy. I still hadn't figured out what to do about her. I couldn't let her continue living in her abusive house. Somehow, I had to make her see that she needed to tell somebody. I had to show her that I would stay by her side through it all. Unfortunately, to do those things, I had to have patience. Something I didn't have when it came to her getting hurt.
After playing 10 games, and losing 8 of them, Mason and I decided to call it a night and I headed home. I was more than ready to see Lucy the next
day.
Eight
Safe
Lucy
In just a few minutes, Ian would be picking me up for the fall festival at church. I wondered if things tonight would continue to be awkward, or if we would have fun, like old times. I hoped for the later. I needed an escape from reality. I needed him to be normal.
I jumped when I heard a peck on my window. When I looked, Ian was standing there, smiling. I returned his smile. It was the first time I had seen him look genuinely happy since the “incident”.
I opened the window and he helped me climb out.
“You look so beautiful.” He glanced at my head. I knew that he was checking to see how it was healing... But he wouldn't bring it up. He never brought it up anymore.
“Thank you.”
He put his arm around me as we walked toward his truck. It really did feel like normal... I started to feel even more excited about the upcoming night.
“I was thinking, maybe after the festival we could go to a haunted house. What do you think?” He asked.
I thought for a few minutes. I had never been to a haunted house before. I was scared by the idea, but I wouldn't let him know that. “It sounds... fun.”
“Don't worry, I will keep you safe.” His voice broke when he said the word safe. He cleared his throat, and then opened the passenger door for me to get inside.
The car ride was once again silent. So, I decided to speak up because I didn't want another awkward, quiet night. “I'm sorry that I made you hate me.”
He looked away from the road and towards me for a second. “Lucy, what are you talking about? What makes you think that I hate you?”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “I just... I see the way you look at me now. And how you never talk to me. It's like we're strangers.”
“I don't hate you, Lucy. I could never hate you.”
“Well, it certainly seems like it.”
“Well, I don't,” his voice dropped to a whisper. “I hate what he did to you, or does to you. I hate that I can't save you. I want to.”
