He sat and waited. His fancies ran to thoughts of this young woman and what would pleasure her. I’m cursed, he thought. Must I want every woman that comes near me? And what will Katie think? No, he couldn’t do it. He was deluding himself. He tossed it to and fro and realized he knew nothing was going to happen. He waited for her to come back.
It took a long while, but finally he realized she wasn’t coming back.
Early in the morning, when Tom and Katie came downstairs, Tavish was up, waiting for them. He asked Katie if there was aught he could do for her. She had to think, for truly there wasn’t. The two of them walked to the stable, Tom allowing time for their good byes.
“Is Neddy trim and able to go? We’ll need him, for we’ll be finding a place to live. I think it’ll be just the two of us. We won’t have more need of you. If there are supplies in the saddle bags you want, or there’s something else feel free to take it. I think we’d want you to have it.” It was a little smile she gave him.
He said to himself, Now I know the word for her. For sure the word is impatient. “I guess I’ll take the musket.
“Good luck to you, Tavish. You were the best companion I could’ve asked for on the Road.” She put her head close to his and leaned her forehead against his brow. “Don’t think of me. Lord knows I’ll remember you often, but don’t think of me. I’m afraid your heart will be sore if you do.” She sought for more to say, but there was nothing, so she kissed him on the cheek and led Neddy away, but he walked beside her unwilling to let her go.
“Shall you be going back to Port Jay?” she asked.
“I’ve not thought of it,” he answered.
They were come now back to the tavern and Tom was there. He put a hand on Tavish’s shoulder and led him a step away. “Katie told me all you did for her,” he said. “I’m more grateful than it’s possible to say. I know I’d be a dead man had you not brought her here.”
“I couldn’t let her go on her own.”
“Of course not.”
“There’s many times she’d have been dead or worse.”
“I know, she’s told me all you did . . . After the troubles I’ve come through I feel myself to be a changed man. And so I forgive you. The weight of any resentment is too much to carry. I forgive you with a full heart. I really do.”
“And what is it I’m being forgiven for?”
“You know.” And here they looked hard into each other’s eyes. “Let’s not be aught but honest. I no more hold you at fault than I’d hold a dog for stealing a bone. No, that’s not a good way to put it. Never mind. We’re both men.” He gave him a pat on the back and returned to Katie.
But Tavish was not to be gotten rid of. The thought came to him he should hit Tom and ask if he’d forgive that, a dog would know no better, but instead he walked with him back to where Katie stood, as though he meant to go with them where they went.
“This will not do,” said Katie. “It would not be right for you to be serving us, it would only keep the wound still bleeding for you. Can you not see that? It’s best you go away. If you do not see the two of us it will not prey on your mind. And if you loved me like you said, you’d be happy for me.”
“But where am I to go?”
“You can go wherever you want.”
“Where I want to go is where you go.”
Tom put his hand on Tavish’s chest. “Not this time,” he said.
Tavish knew he was lost but couldn’t do other than he did. When Katie and Tom walked away he still walked with them. Then Katie took her stick and she poked him with it. “Go away,” she said. “Did you really think I’d want to be with an old troll like you? Go away.” She hit him.
This time when she walked away Tavish stood where he was. He watched them leave together. Neither turned back to look, and after some while they’d gone, vanished down the road. He stood for a long time after they’d gone, the spot where Katie had kissed him burning his cheek, before he finally went and gathered up his musket and his other possessions. When he did the thought came that Neddy needed tending, but then it hit him they’d taken Neddy too. For some reason that made him cry, when nothing else had.
Tom and Katie headed back down the Road, retracing the steps they’d recently trod. They came to the little hill where Katie’d lost her poor baby. This was where she’d given up all hope. In her heart she’d abandoned herself to Tavish then, and that was why she’d had to hurt him, which was the one pure drop of poison in her loving cup of bliss. Tom saw her upper lip quiver and he put his arms around her and they hurried on. When they did, Tom found himself walking past Agata’s old farmhouse. It looked much sadder than he remembered. Had he been alone he would have tried the door, but as it was he kept his arm round Katie and hastened past.
The next day they came to the tavern where Tom had been blinded by Crazy Dog. Tom was fearful of the spot till he reflected that all he’d lost had been recovered. But as they went past he also saw where he’d run into the wood and been caught by Connor. A little shiver came over him because that was where he’d lost his hope, and the last of his luck had left him. What a sorry fool he’d been.
When they came to San Dorio they asked if there was any habitation they could make their own. They were told there was nothing in the town itself, but in the woods not far was the hut that had been home to the hermit Trogle. The holy man had recently departed, none could say where, and the hut now stood empty. Following the directions they were given they trudged through the woods till suddenly the trees fell apart to reveal a broad sunlit greensward. At the center of this clearing stood the hut. The building itself was small, with but one door and one window, but the grounds and the walls held still an aura of beneficence cast by the hermit’s sanctifying hand. Inside it had been roughly partitioned into two rooms, one for sleeping, the other for preparing and eating food. The walls and the frame of the door were solid and well-built. The roof was thatched with straw. It wasn’t much, but they didn’t need much, apart from one another. It was just the place they wanted and they felt almost as if it had spoken to them words of invitation.
They settled in and found it a soothing spot, where nature offered itself in guileless abundance. A stream of clear water ran nearby, and often its lively chattering was heard amidst the constant sounds of birdsong. Sometimes deer would walk fearless right up to the door, and the squirrels would bring nuts to their hands.
The morning they moved in Tommy Dog came to the door to greet them, as though he and Trogle had been acquainted. It was a joyful reunion. The times were happy after all their troubles and they treasured the days spent in this retreat tucked away from the turmoils and travails they’d so long endured. Also they were in love and this above all set them apart from the rest of the world. But Tom had never yet encountered a coin with only one side, and he knew trouble unlooked for was sure to come, so he acquired a rifle, which he kept in the hut where it remained unused and unregarded for many a day.
Tavish they’d left behind. After he’d gathered his possessions he stood a long time gazing at nothing. But there were actions he had to take and the first he took was to mark the spot where they’d parted. When she was ready to come back this would be the place she’d look for him. He wouldn’t follow her; he’d let her come back on her own. He’d be ready for her when she was ready. But he couldn’t waste his days standing in this spot, and what if she came back when he was somewhere else? She’d need some sort of trail to follow so she could find him, but he was uncertain how to give her one. He thought he could leave something there and then come every day to see if she’d taken it. It had to be a special token, something she’d know was his. He had a little wallet he’d made for himself; she’d often seen him with it. He could leave that. It bore a ‘T’ on the front for Tavish. He took out the wallet, emptied its contents into his pockets, put something in telling her where to look for him, then laid it on the ground. It looked peculiar, though he figured that was the point. But surely anyone could come along and take it.
There were many problems. He walked a few steps away and looked back. The wallet lay just where he’d put it, looking sad and abandoned, as if it was him. So he went back and picked it up. In the end he decided to return every day to this same place. When she wanted to come back, if he didn’t happen to be there at the time, he was sure she’d find a way of letting him know.
That day he returned two times. He looked, but he didn’t see her or any sign she’d been there. The second time he thought he saw her just leaving, but when he caught up to the woman he thought was her, it was someone else. He lived several days like this, unwilling to go far, because he knew she’d come back. During this time he ate as little as possible, only taking small bites at day’s end to stretch what he had. He hadn’t the will to provide for himself. The thought of finding work was disagreeable to him. All he thought about was Katie, and the quotidian tasks of struggle and survival seemed like relics from some unrecognizable past. He didn’t want anything coming between him and his need to return every day to the spot where he waited for her. He slept under the stars and came to know the streets and sidewalks in that vicinity. There were others he saw regularly, living the life of an outcast like himself, but he would have nothing to do with them. Most of them spent their days begging. Tavish was too proud to beg, but he knew he couldn’t live as he was very long. He thought of working as a baker’s boy, but the thought didn’t please, till finally one day he put his dignity to the side and returned to the baker. But the baker spurned him, seeing he’d grown dissolute and dirty, and wouldn’t allow him in the house.
There’d been occasions when, seeing young women of about her size, he’d imagined they were her. He’d grown familiar with the constant craving he felt and how it could lead him to see things. So it came as a shock, one that nearly took his breath away, when, one evening in a tavern on the outskirts he actually did see Katie again. He knew her like he knew the teeth in his mouth. She was seated beside another man, not Tom, and she was wearing a hat. He hadn’t known her to favor hats, but it was her face, her smiling eyes, her lips, her hair escaping from the back of the hat. He watched as the two of them talked together in a familiar manner, and the unbreachable dikes he’d built to keep his feelings out just crumbled, the wounds of his desire opened and he drowned in torrents of jealousy and anguished memory. Above all else he wondered who was this new man? She’d left Tom already – he’d known that would happen – but she hadn’t returned to him? He watched as they shared the food on one another’s plates, for all the world as though they’d had a long acquaintance. He saw their fingers touch. The pain of seeing her with another, so uncaring of himself, so casually intimate, was heart shattering. He continued to watch every move she made to see if she’d look in his direction, but she seemed unaware of his presence. As he gazed at her he felt again all they’d shared and how they’d cared for one another on the Road. He saw her mannerisms he knew so well without realizing how well he knew them, the way she’d pinch her face to make a point, or squeeze her fingers together for emphasis. All these things she did, gesturing with her hands, as she talked to the man next to her. He couldn’t sit still and he stood to go to her side, but then held himself where he was, still watching. He didn’t want to talk to her in front of that man.
Then she rose and went into another room. She moved gracefully between the tables, not once casting a glance in his direction. Her companion remained where he was, comfortable in whatever his reflections were. This was his chance. Anticipating her return, he moved nearer to the path she’d taken. She might come next to him and he’d look up, ‘Oh what a surprise –‘ But no, it was no surprise. Surely it was destiny. He’d known it was fated the two of them would meet again. He tried to prepare something to say. And then she was returning. He looked down and just as she went past he looked up to speak and it wasn’t her. It was a different woman by several pounds and many years. He watched as she returned to her seat, resuming her conversation with the man she was with, the two of them casual in their attachment. Looking at her now he saw she was a different person, not Katie at all. He stood and left.
On the pavement outside he looked at himself and realized he had almost reached the point of madness. Examining what he felt he found naught but hunger and anger. He realized that was all that had been inside him for many days now, and only now he’d seen it. He’d been too taken with looking for Katie to see what was happening to himself. But now he saw the rage that was growing. He couldn’t leave the vicinity because he had to be here when she came back, but what could he do? He’d spent the last of his money. He had to do something and in his current mood he could take no responsibility for what it would be. He was beyond any bounds he could control. In a flash of hatred he wanted to find Tom and kill him. This was pure hatred, anger refined and directed to a point, as consuming as love and as unquenchable. He was going to stalk him down and do away with him.
A man was sauntering down the other side of the road. He was well dressed in an orange tawny jacket like a merchant, and was absorbed in the contemplation of some papers he held in his hand. He had that contented look Tavish wanted to defile, the look of someone who had it in his heart to forgive. The man paused for a moment and produced a faded rose from the papers he was holding, then resumed his progress in the direction he’d been going. He wore a dagger in his belt. In one violent moment of thought Tavish saw himself taking the man’s knife and using it to rob him. He’d do it just as Vincenzo had done to him and Katie. Surely this was the way the world worked.
He followed the man, who paid no attention to him, wrapped up in his own thoughts; and then Tavish saw there was another, a Negro, in a shadow at the corner, with eyes on the same prey. Yes, now he was certain this was how things were done. He met the Negro’s gaze and it was as if they both agreed. Together they jumped the man. The Negro put his hand over his mouth to keep him from calling out while Tavish whipped the dirk from his belt. The papers and the flower he’d been holding fell scattered to the ground. He tried to protest but could only get out a muffled yelp. For one hallucinatory instant he wore Tom’s face, his lips mouthing, ‘I forgive you.’ Tavish slit his throat, while the Negro grabbed his purse. They left him dying and ran away.
The minute they felt safe they crouched together to see how much they’d taken. It was less than they’d hoped for, but it would see them through the next few days. They shook hands, concurring in the deed and sharing the proceeds. The Negro was an escaped slave named Archimedes. From that day forth he and Tavish worked as a team. Archimedes was accustomed to being ordered about so Tavish took command. They lived together and prowled the streets by night, looking for victims. In those unsettled times there were many uprooted, with nowhere to call home. These were their prey.
After a robbery they would retire to a hidden clearing in the woods and assess the take. On one occasion when they did this Archimedes’ temper was grim and forbidding. He didn’t like being a robber but saw no alternative. “I am marked by my skin. Any who see me can capture or kill me as they please. But why have you chosen this way of life? It is not one in which a man will last very long. I am grateful I am not alone, but you could find a position in one of the mansions, or a tavern. How comes it you have not done so?”
“I could be a baker’s boy and pound the dough. But I would liefer do summat for which I cannot be forgiven. I fear it’s the only way to wash the stench of forgiveness from my soul.”
“I would ask who put that stench on you. And I suspect this has something to do with that spot you return to every day.”
So Tavish told all the story of him and Katie and how they’d left Port Jay and arrived at Kashahar. It was a tale he’d kept to himself, but he felt a relief now he’d told another.
Archimedes pondered on this tale and gave his head many grave shakes. “I know the woman you describe,” he said. “I see her with the eye of my imagination. You cannot see her. You are blinded by love. But I will be your eyes and teach you to see. She is a shrewd and a selfis
h wench. She knows you will do anything for her so she uses you. Her trick is to ignore you till you can think of nothing but her. And all the time she ignores you also she watches you and she knows all she has to do is give you a smile or a little twinkly look with her eyes and you will do what she wants. And what she is thinking is, ‘What a fool. I can get him to do anything.’ I know these pretty women.”
“You have no idea what she’s like.”
Archimedes wrinkled his brow and smiled, as though he’d remembered something funny. But what he said was, “The world is full of many like her. But I put them in their place. I let them know I understand the game they play. But when someone is in love he will do crazy things, things for which there is no explaining . . . So I thought there might be something like this. Is there nothing that would make you stop loving her?”
“No, that’s impossible.”
“There is one way for sure; it always works.”
“What’s that?”
“If you marry her.”
Archimedes laughed, but Tavish remained sullen. “It’s no use. I’ll always want her, though I fear I’ve lost her. I’ve not the first hint of an idea where she’s gone. Far enough from me, I’m certain.”
Archimedes put his hand on Tavish’s knee. “If you want her that bad, we should get her for you. There are two of us now; I will help.”
“What would you do?”
“What we would do is we would find her and kill the man she is with, and then bring her here and keep her here. She will have to be nice to you.”
Tavish knew she would never come, nor would he ever force her to be a mere robber’s jilt, but he kept these thoughts to himself. “I don’t know . . . She lives in me, but truly I fear she’s lost.”
At that moment an arrow flew to stand quivering in the tree trunk next to Tavish and a rough voice said, “We have you in our sights. If you do not do what we say, the next shaft will kill.”
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