Until I was sixteen the most exalted person I’d ever met in my life was a London County Councillor. I’m not quite sure if I know how to behave with royal personages.
Jack Straw.
Why on earth don’t you buy a book on etiquette? I always carry one about with me.
Ethel.
Mother bought several when you said you’d come down.
Jack Straw.
I wonder if she’s got the same as mine. You know I never can remember to call a serviette a napkin.
Ethel.
Mamma’s very particular about that.
Jack Straw.
And look here, d’you know that you ought never to call a chicken a fowl? It’s awfully bad form. I wonder if that’s in your mother’s books. I say, what charming eyes you have.
Ethel.
That’s another of the advantages of being a royal personage, that you can make pretty speeches, and no one takes them seriously.
Jack Straw.
But you know, I’m a very insignificant royal personage. You mustn’t think I’m anything very grand really.
Ethel.
It’s very nice of you to say so.
Jack Straw.
You see, there are seventy-nine archdukes and duchesses in Pomerania. My grandfather had seventeen children, and they all married. How many children would each have had to make seventy-nine of us?
Ethel.
It sounds very difficult.
Jack Straw.
But you see I can’t be very important, can I? And of course I’ve got practically no money to speak of.
Ethel.
It’s very good of you to put me at my ease. Then you wont mind if I say exactly what I want to?
Jack Straw.
You won’t give me good advice, will you? I’ve got seventy-nine relations, and they all do that.
Ethel.
I wouldn’t venture.
Jack Straw.
I’ll bear whatever else you say with fortitude. We’ll pretend that you’re just Miss So-and-So.
Ethel.
As in point of fact, I am.
Jack Straw.
And that I’m — Jack Straw.
Ethel.
[Surprised.] Why on earth Jack Straw?
Jack Straw.
[Indifferently.] It’s the name of a public-house in Hampstead. Pray go on.
Ethel.
I wondered if you’d do me a great favour.
Jack Straw.
Ask me for the moon, and it shall be left at your front door by Carter Paterson to-morrow morning.
Ethel.
It’s something much simpler than that.
Jack Straw.
Put me out of suspense quickly.
Ethel.
I should be very much obliged if — if you’d go away.
Jack Straw.
[Much surprised.] I? Now?
Ethel.
I didn’t mean actually this minute. But if it suited your arrangements to go to-morrow....
Jack Straw.
You don’t mean to say you want me to go away altogether?
Ethel.
That is precisely what I did mean.
Jack Straw.
Couldn’t you ask me something easier than that? Ask me for a lawyer who never told a lie, and I’ll deliver him to you, bound hand and foot.
Ethel.
I don’t happen to want one just at this moment, thank you.
Jack Straw.
But I’m having a very jolly time down here.
Ethel.
[With a change of tone.] Don’t you see that you’re exposing me every day to the most cruel humiliation?
Jack Straw.
I thought I was making myself so pleasant.
Ethel.
Oh, don’t pretend you don’t understand. I’ve seen the twinkle in your eyes when my mother set a little trap for you to fall in.
Jack Straw.
I always fall in very neatly.
Ethel.
But what do you think I felt when I knew how clearly you saw that she was throwing me at your head?
Jack Straw.
It’s a distinctly pleasing sensation to have a pretty girl thrown at your head.
Ethel.
It was only a joke to you; you don’t know how ashamed I was.
Jack Straw.
But why do you suppose I came down to Taverner — to see your father and mother?
Ethel.
I don’t know why you came — unless it was to make me desperately wretched.
Jack Straw.
What would you say if I told you that I came because I loved you at first sight?
Ethel.
I should say that your Royal Highness was very polite.
Jack Straw.
Now, look here, don’t you think I’m rather nice, really?
Ethel.
It would surely be very impertinent of me to have any opinion on the subject.
Jack Straw.
Our friend Serlo would describe that as one in the eye.
Ethel.
Would you allow me to go back to my mother’s guests, sir?
Jack Straw.
[Imperturbably.] Do you think you’d like me any better if I weren’t an Archduke?
Ethel.
I haven’t thought about it.
Jack Straw.
Then please give the matter your immediate attention.
Ethel.
I should certainly like you no less.
Jack Straw.
I have no doubt that if I were just a penniless adventurer you’d simply dote upon me.
Ethel.
I don’t know if I’d put it quite so strongly as that.
Jack Straw.
You know, I’m afraid you’re hopelessly romantic. You’ve confessed your attachment to me, and just because I happen incautiously to have chosen an Emperor for my grandfather, you want me to go away. It’s so unreasonable.
Ethel.
But I haven’t confessed anything of the sort.
Jack Straw.
I look upon your request that I should go away as equivalent to an avowal of undying passion.
Ethel.
Shall I tell you what I would say to you if you weren’t an Archduke?
Jack Straw.
Yes.
Ethel.
I’d say you were the most audacious, impudent, and impertinent man I’d ever seen in my life.
[She gives a rapid, ironical curtsey, and goes out. He is about to follow her when Lady Wanley and Holland come in. Jack Straw stops and shakes hands with them.
Jack Straw.
Ah, I was hoping to have the pleasure of seeing you. You wrote me a little note, Mr. Holland.
Holland.
[Ironically.] I ventured to ask if I might have a few minutes’ private conversation with you.
Jack Straw.
Perhaps you wouldn’t mind waiting here. I will rejoin you immediately.
[He goes out.
Holland.
You know, he positively freezes me.
Lady Wanley.
I think it’s wonderful. One couldn’t suspect for a moment that he’s only....
Holland.
Take care.
[He looks round.
Lady Wanley.
No one will come here. We can talk quite safely.
Holland.
I wish to goodness we hadn’t ever thought of this fool trick. I knew it would lead to all sorts of bother.
Lady Wanley.
It’s no good saying that now. We must keep our heads and get out of it as best we can.
Holland.
What are you going to do?
Lady Wanley.
Oh, that’s just like a man. You’re trying to put the whole blame on me. What are you going to do?
Holland.
Well, we must finish with it as quickly as we can.
Lady Wanley.
Whatever happens, there must be no scene.
I couldn’t bear to see him publicly humiliated.
Holland.
Why on earth should you think of him?
Lady Wanley.
Oh, I’m such a fool, Ambrose.
Holland.
My dear, what do you mean?
Lady Wanley.
After all, I’m not a girl — I’m the mother of two healthy boys with enormous appetites. I think the man has bewitched me.
Holland.
Good Lord!
Lady Wanley.
It’s no good saying that. Of course he’s the most fascinating creature I’ve ever seen in my life.
Holland.
You don’t mean to say you’re seriously in love with him?
Lady Wanley.
A widow with a sense of humour is never seriously in love with anybody.
Holland.
Well?
Lady Wanley.
But I think it’s much better the young man should disappear as mysteriously as he came.
Holland.
There we’re quite agreed. And we’ll tell him so with considerable frankness.
Enter Jack Straw.
Jack Straw.
Now, my dear people, I am at your service.
[Holland and Lady Wanley are sitting down. Jack Straw looks at Holland, who rises uneasily.
Holland.
Oh, don’t be such an ass, Jack.
Jack Straw.
[Frigidly.] I beg your pardon. [Pause.] Perhaps you’d be good enough to put down my hat.
[Holland takes it and flings it crossly on a chair.
Jack Straw.
I don’t think you’re in a very good humour this afternoon, Mr. Holland. I venture to think your manners leave something to be desired.
Holland.
Look here, we’ve had enough of this tomfoolery.
Jack Straw.
Pray sit down. It distresses me to see you standing.
Holland.
I believe the man’s out of his senses.
Lady Wanley.
[Very amiably.] Have you forgotten the waiter’s uniform which fitted you so wonderfully, Mr. Straw?
Jack Straw.
[Calmly.] Quite. I only remember the condition your ladyship was good enough to agree to, when I accepted your humorous suggestion.
Holland.
But, look here, we must talk the matter out.
Jack Straw.
I am quite willing to listen to you, my dear Holland. Your conversation is often interesting and sometimes epigrammatic. I stipulate only that you should use those forms of politeness which are usual between a person of your position and a person of mine.
Holland.
I should never have consented to this folly if I’d known to what it was going to lead. In a moment of uncontrollable irritation, because Mrs. Jennings had behaved with the greatest insolence to a defenceless girl, we made up our minds to punish her. There was no great harm in it. We thought perhaps she’d ask you to dinner, and there would be an end of it. It never dawned on us that you’d come and stay here indefinitely.
Jack Straw.
My dear fellow, why should you blame me for your own lack of intelligence?
Holland.
[Impatiently.] Ugh!
[Jack Straw goes over and sits beside Lady Wanley.
Jack Straw.
Our friend is quite incoherent, isn’t he?
Lady Wanley.
We want you to go away, sir.
Jack Straw.
Do you? I say, what a jolly frock. Where did you get it?
Lady Wanley.
[With a little laugh, disarmed by his impudence.] You’re perfectly irresistible.
Jack Straw.
You’ve taken the words out of my mouth, that’s just what I was going to say to you.
Lady Wanley.
Are you ever serious?
Jack Straw.
Always when I’m talking to a pretty woman.
Lady Wanley.
I wish I could understand you.
Jack Straw.
My dear lady, I’ve been trying to understand myself for the last thirty odd years. By the way, how old am I, Holland?
Holland.
How the deuce should I know?
Jack Straw.
Well, my dear fellow, I think it’s very careless of you. You might have looked it out. Supposing some one had asked me my age?
Lady Wanley.
I wish you really were a royal personage.
Jack Straw.
It does seem hard that a waiter should have such a way with him, doesn’t it?
Lady Wanley.
[Confidentially.] Who are you really?
Jack Straw.
Your devoted servant, madam. Who could be anything else after knowing you for ten minutes?
Lady Wanley.
It’s charming of you to say so.
Jack Straw.
I am very nice, aren’t I?
Lady Wanley.
Much too nice. That is why I beseech your Royal Highness graciously to take his departure.
Jack Straw.
You know, you haven’t yet told me where you got that frock.
Lady Wanley.
Oh, I bought it in Paris. Do you like it?
Jack Straw.
It’s ripping. And it suits you admirably.
Holland.
Isabel, Isabel, we came here to be sensible.
Lady Wanley.
My dear Ambrose, let me be sensible in my own way.
Jack Straw.
Oh, my dear Holland, I wonder if you’d very much mind going to see if my red carpet is still in its place.
Holland.
I’m not going to be made a fool of by you, my friend.
Jack Straw.
Why not? You’re doing it very well.
Lady Wanley.
Don’t be piggy, Ambrose.
Holland.
What on earth do you want me to do?
Lady Wanley.
I’m simply dying of thirst. I wish you’d get me a glass of lemonade.
Holland.
I have no intention whatever of stirring from this spot.
Jack Straw.
I’ve been wondering for the last week what I should do if I signified his dismissal to any one, and he flatly refused to go. Very awkward, isn’t it?
Lady Wanley.
Mahomet and the mountain isn’t in it.
Jack Straw.
Of course a hundred years ago I’d have cast him into a dungeon. But, between ourselves, I don’t happen to have a dungeon handy.
Holland.
Now look here, we’ve had enough of this nonsense. The joke has gone far enough. Are you going or not?
Jack Straw.
Well, if you ask me point blank, I’m not.
Holland.
But don’t you know that I have only to say two words for you to be kicked out of the house by the servants?
Jack Straw.
You forget that you’d be undoubtedly kicked out with me.
Holland.
Now look here, Jack, we’ve been old pals, and we’ve gone through a deuce of a lot together. I don’t want to say beastly things to you. I know I’ve made a fool of myself, but you’re a decent chap. You must see that it’s necessary for you to go at once.
Jack Straw.
I cannot for the life of me see anything of the sort. I have no other engagements, and the country is charming at this time of year.
Holland.
You’re behaving like a common impostor.
Jack Straw.
What language to use to a royal personage! I assure you we’re not used to such frankness.
Holland.
Do you deliberately refuse to go?
Jack Straw.
Deliberately.
Holland.
And shall I tell you why?
Jack Straw.
I happen to know, thank you.
Holland.
You’r
e going to commit the most disgraceful action of your life. Do you think any one can’t see that you’re madly in love with Ethel Jennings?
Lady Wanley.
[Springing to her feet.] Is that true?
Jack Straw.
Quite.
Lady Wanley.
Then why have you been flirting with me so disgracefully?
Jack Straw.
I assure you I had no intention of doing so. It must be my unfortunate manner.
Lady Wanley.
It’s an unfortunate manner that’s quite likely to get you into trouble with widow ladies.
Jack Straw.
In that case you can only applaud my determination to marry as quickly as possible.
Holland.
Not Ethel Jennings?
Lady Wanley.
You must be joking?
Jack Straw.
My dear madam, when I make a joke I always laugh quickly, so that there should be no doubt about it.
Holland.
It’s preposterous. I shall allow you to do nothing of the sort.
Jack Straw.
My dear fellow, what is the use of getting violently excited about it? More especially as I haven’t yet proposed to the young lady.
Holland.
I think you must be stark staring mad. You don’t suppose for a moment that we shall allow you to carry out such an odious deception. I can’t imagine how you can even think of anything so heartless and cruel.
Lady Wanley.
It’s going too far. You must understand that it’s impossible. I beseech you to leave Taverner immediately.
Jack Straw.
It drives me to distraction that I should have to refuse your smallest whim, but in this matter [with a dramatic flourish] I am adamant.
Holland.
Now, look here, we’ve talked about it enough. Either you leave this place immediately or I shall tell Mrs. Jennings the whole story.
Jack Straw.
It is only fair to give you that satisfaction. That was part of our arrangement.
Holland.
You realise the consequences?
Jack Straw.
[Very amiably.] I did that before I entered into your scheme.
Holland.
You leave me no alternative.
Jack Straw.
My dear Holland, I really believe you’re rather nervous about the disclosure which it is evidently your duty to make.
Holland.
For your own sake I ask you once more: will you give me your word of honour to leave the house and under no circumstances communicate with any member of the family?
Jack Straw.
It’s charming of you to give me one more chance. I can only repeat that I am deeply in love with Ethel, and I have every intention of marrying her.
Holland.
Your blood be upon your own head.
Jack Straw.
If I perish, I perish.
[Holland goes to the door.
Delphi Collected Works of W. Somerset Maugham (Illustrated) Page 332
