by S. L. Naeole
“Whoa, Fallon, calm down. It’s me!”
My fist hit a strong palm just as that familiar voice reached my ears. I was breathing quickly and heavily in a mixture of fear and excitement, the sound of my panting filling up the quiet of the night that had hidden him. Him: a face that made everything inside of me turn hot and cold at the same time. Even in the dark, I could see the yellow-gold of his hair and the pale blue of his eyes.
“Josh,” I breathed before he dropped his hand and reached for me, his arms strong and fast.
I wrapped my arms around him and held him as close to me as I could. His familiar face and his voice, his smell, his heat…I’d never felt so comforted and didn’t realize just how much I needed it.
“Jesus, girl, you almost turned me into a corpse. What’s got you so spooked, huh?”
His voice was so tender, so soft, I could have cried, if I cried. “Shut-up for a minute,” I scolded, just wanting to feel him, needing to feel him.
He laughed, but continued to hold me close to him, pressing my head against his shoulder, breathing in slow, hot breaths against my hair. This was how we’d left each other when he’d gone to boot camp. It wasn’t meant to be a goodbye – that’s what we told ourselves and each other – but we hadn’t seen each other or heard each other’s voices for half a year. The only communication we had was through the cold, black and white reality that was email or texting.
I used to look at his pictures and worry that I’d forget what he looked like. As more time would pass, I became more and more convinced that he didn’t look that way anymore. But here he was, still tall, still handsome, still sweet-voiced and gentle. He was the first person I loved completely on my own. I thought nothing could or would tear us apart, and yet I was proven wrong over and over again.
But Josh and I always found a way back to each other, like nothing had happened, like nothing had changed and no time had passed between us. Except this time, it was easy to sense that something was missing between us. It wasn’t a surprise to either of us and almost immediately, Josh brought it up, pulling away just enough so that he could look into my eyes to prove his sincerity.
“Fall, you know that I regret more than anything that I wasn’t there for you. I wish you’d have waited for me.”
Even now, I could still hear the sadness and bitterness in his voice. “Josh, it’s alright. I’m over it.”
“But I’m not,” he insisted. “You had to go through all of that alone. I should have been there with you.”
“I didn’t go through it alone,” I said, finally admitting to something that he didn’t know.
“But…”
Sighing, I eased myself away from him, the sigh turning into a groan when I felt the tug of his clothes against mine as the grease that covered me clung to his shirt and refused to let go without force. “My mom knows. She’s the one who came with me.”
Even in the dark I could see Josh’s face turn pale. “She knows?” When I nodded, his hand slapped against his forehead. “That’s why she acted like she wanted to bite my head off. God, Fallon, why didn’t you tell me she knew?”
I shrugged, and answered him honestly. “Because I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”
His reaction hurt to see, but no amount of pain on his face could match what I’d felt that day six months ago when he was gone, pursuing his dream while I sat in a waiting room with my disappointed mom, filling out forms so that I could have an abortion. I’d felt stupid and guilty, the consequences of thinking that you couldn’t get pregnant on your first try as obvious and real as two blue lines on a nine dollar piece of plastic you pissed on while terrified in the bathroom.
“You’re my best friend. You’re the only person I’ve ever been with, the only person I’ve ever felt close to. You knew I was coming back. You knew that.”
I shook my head angrily. “No, I didn’t. You said that us being together before you left was the only thing that would make it easier for you to be away from me. I gave up my virginity to you. I got pregnant because of it and when I said I didn’t want to have it, you said you’d be there with me.
“You promised and then you never showed. Mom told me to forget about you but I couldn’t. And I didn’t. And even though sometimes it felt like I hated you, I kept on writing to you because I didn’t want to be-”
“Like me,” he finished for me, knowing what I was going to say; he always did. “I couldn’t come, Fallon. If I could have, I would’ve been right by your side the whole time. It killed me that I couldn’t be there for you; that you were going through it all by yourself.”
“But you still could’ve called,” I reminded him, feeling the fear and pain of disappointment all over again.
“I didn’t call because I was scared. I didn’t know how to deal with any of it, and I so didn’t know what to say to you so I just…didn’t. I’ve never not known what to say to you before, and I know that’s not an excuse but it’s all I got. I was an ass, Fallon, a complete ass.”
“You’re right,” I agreed.
“I guess it’s stupid now to ask if you’ll ever forgive me.”
“Of course I forgive you. Why do you think I haven’t set you on fire yet?”
He chuckled and reached out to touch my chin. “You do that just by smiling.”
I was amazed at how easily he could make my stomach fill with flutters. It was so familiar, so enjoyable; I didn’t want the feeling to stop. “You’re a liar, you know; you always know what to say.”
“So…if I tell you that I missed your voice and your emails this past month, you’d…”
Laughing, I stepped closer to him and grabbed his waist. “I’d tell you that maybe you should have come to visit sooner.” I bolted from him, heading back toward the shop when he caught me and spun me around, our laughter mixing together as the sound of crickets chirping around us sounded like miniature applause.
Josh stopped suddenly and put me down. “You know what? I totally forgot to send you your birthday present.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. “Here.”
“What is it?” I asked as I pushed the lid off and pulled out another small box.
“It’s an engagement ring,” he answered casually.
“Shut-up! As if my Mom needed another reason to want to kill you,” I hissed.
He laughed and took the box from my shaking fingers. “Don’t worry. I remember what you said when I enlisted-”
“And the threats. Don’t forget the threats,” I reminded him.
“Yeah, my balls are still hiding somewhere beneath my kidneys after that,” he laughed. “It’s a keychain. See? I had it engraved.”
Inside the smaller box was a metal circle attached to a silver ring. Using his cell phone, Josh lit up the small surface so I could see what he’d had engraved. I looked at him and blinked away the annoying stinging. “You remembered.”
“It was my first kiss, too.”
“You keep saying that, but I don’t believe you.”
He laughed again, this time more softly. “I know. But it’s true. Just like you were the first person I’ve ever been with.”
I felt a burst of sadness wash over me as a question I’d never thought I’d ask slipped past my lips and into the air. “Have you been with anyone else since…?”
He was quiet. I knew what quiet meant. “You don’t have to answer,” I said quickly but he shook his head and sighed, the sound of guilt and defeat.
“I met a girl. It wasn’t…it wasn’t serious, but it wasn’t unserious either.”
My head bounced once, understanding. “You and her…”
His head mimicked mine, bouncing in confirmation. “It was just once. It really didn’t mean anything.”
I laughed. I was surprised at it, and so was he. “It didn’t mean anything? Josh, if you’re gonna do it with someone it should mean something.”
Josh’s eyes widened, his mouth dropping open in surprise. “You’re not mad. Why?”
Why? I
closed my eyes and the reason why was there, plain as if it was standing right in front me. Hazel eyes, dark, midnight hair, and a scar that looked more like a smile than anything that had actually formed on his lips had. I could hear his voice, the grittiness of it getting under my skin – even in my head – like sand. If I dared to admit it, if I dared to admit anything, it was that I hadn’t really missed Josh as much as I should have because…
“Oh.”
Josh’s voice was quiet, but when I opened my eyes to look at him he didn’t look hurt. He didn’t look upset at all. Instead, he looked…happy. “It’s not that I don’t still love you, Josh, because I do. I love you. I don’t think I’ll ever really say the word without thinking about you first.”
He smiled. And then he laughed, softly at first, and then loud and free as he reached for me and swung me around, the keychain falling to the ground, the dark past between us forgotten for a moment. “Fall, I love you. I love you like a pizza loves cheese.”
“Like a burger loves fries,” I laughed with him, throwing my head back and enjoying the spinning.
“Like ice cream loves cake.”
We fell to the ground, Josh landing on me and then rolling over until I was on top, our giggles finally defeating the undying chirping of crickets. “Best friends always,” I breathed.
“Always,” he promised. He kissed my forehead, soft and warm, and familiar.
“Oh God, you don’t know how much I needed to see you,” I sighed as I pressed my forehead to his lips.
“What’s been going on, Fall?”
“I don’t know,” I laughed sadly. “I’m so confused. It’s been hard before, but making friends here is like trying to eat worms to crap out diamonds. I’ve made one friend here, Josh. One. And after today, I don’t know if I still have her.”
“Anyone who doesn’t want to be your friend is too stupid to know what they’re missing. It’s not every day you meet a girl who can rebuild an engine better than she can bake a cake.” He squeezed my side and laughed. I laughed with him.
“You and I need to talk.”
Josh and I both looked at each other, the voice that spoke not belonging to either of us.
I scrambled off of him and he leapt to his feet, quickly pulling me up with him. Together we turned our heads toward the crunch of footsteps.
“Liam.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
LIAM
It was late when I got to the old Timmons place. I could see from the turn in the road that there were only porch lights on at the house. Porch lights meant that someone wasn’t home yet. And when I heard the voices breaking through the trees that lined the road, I knew who it was.
Her voice wasn’t exactly the kind you’d recognize with your eyes closed, but for some reason, I knew it was her. Even before I smelled her, or heard her heart racing. Even before I felt my own body’s reaction to her, I knew she was there just a few feet away…with someone else.
I moved closer to listen to them talk and the minute I did, I hated them. I hated her. She was speaking to him softly, saying things she never would say to me, and I hated her for it.
“I love you. I don’t think I’ll ever really say the word without thinking about you first.”
My ears rang. It was like being punched in the head and in the chest all at once. My stomach fell through to my feet and it felt like if I took a step forward, I’d step in it. Oh, who the hell was I kidding; I’d already stepped in it. I was the dumbest guy on the rock. There was no point to staying anymore.
I looked up as I heard her laugh. She sounded…happy. I don’t think I ever really heard her happy before. Then I saw them; saw her on top of him. He kissed her, and what was left of my gut twisted into sailors’ knots.
“You and I need to talk,” I said out loud before I knew what I was doing.
I walked out into the open where they could see me.
“Liam.” Her voice sounded surprised, disappointed even. I’d interrupted something, and it felt good. It felt damn good.
“What you did today was messed up,” I said, seeing my opportunity and taking it with claws and teeth. “Audrey invited you to our party because she thought you were her friend. I told you once to stay away from my sister, because I know your kind; you only care about yourself. When you left today, you proved me right.”
“What the hell was I supposed to do, huh?” she shot back at me.
“You left. You did it. No one made you do a damn thing and you know it. You might be new, but that doesn’t give you the right to act like a damn trog.”
I looked at her, and then at the guy who was with her. He stood close to her, his hand behind her back, holding her like she was his. There was no need to ask who he was; it was obvious he was her boyfriend just by the way he hovered over her, like a freaking vulture ready to vomit on her so that I stayed away.
It’s weird, how you don’t even know someone and you hate them instantly. And I hated this guy. I hated him for being so close to her, and for her wanting him to be that close. I hated him for being everything that I clearly wasn’t, which was everything that she wanted. His hair didn’t look like grease, and his face didn’t have a scar that turned his smile into a monster’s grimace.
This was the guy she talked about with Audrey. This was the guy who was making her heart race in her chest, the one she was probably always thinking about and comparing every single guy on the rock to. God, I was so stupid. “Idiot,” I muttered before turning and heading back into the trees. I heard her boyfriend call out after me, but I ignored him.
How dumb, how stupid am I? Why the hell did I think that she was interested in me when all she ever did was act like I had fleas? Why the hell didn’t I just kill her when I had the chance, or let Jameson do it?
With a snarl, I began to run. My shoes grew tight around my feet and I knew I should take them off but I didn’t because I didn’t care. I could feel my feet widening, growing. The soles of my feet thickened and even as my shoes began to tear away, the ground grew softer as the thick, hard skin that formed on the bottom of my feet appeared.
Every inch of flesh was growing and changing. My skin stretched as my bones grew longer and thicker. My neck crackled while my head vibrated, shaking so violently that my jaw popped as its shape morphed to accommodate the sharp fangs that my teeth turned into.
My arms became hot as thick, black hair pushed through my skin like needles. Every inch of my body throbbed in pain, but I didn’t stop running. I couldn’t. As my back curved inward, and the calluses on my palms grew thicker and blacker, I fell forward, still running, moving faster and faster, as if I could outrun the sounds in my head. My muscles burned like they were sitting on the sun as human arms became the long limbs of a panther, and hands that had wanted to rip out Fallon’s boyfriend’s throat were now thick, heavy paws that padded against the rocks and prickly grass.
Behind me, every leap, every large stretch of my body was balanced by the tail that reached out like a shadow. In the dark, that’s exactly what I was: a shadow. But shadows…shadows didn’t feel. So why did I? Why did I feel like roaring? Why did I feel like my head was going to explode with everything that I wanted to say but couldn’t?
But what could I say? And who would listen? There was no one to talk to about this. There was no one who’d understand. Then again, how could anyone understand if I didn’t even understand what was going on? I mean, why did it have to be her? Why couldn’t it be someone I could kill and not have to think about again? Why does she have the power to make me feel like everything inside just died and is rotting inside of me?
So many questions…too many. Paws on the ground, I ran. I ran until the hollows of my claws filled with the cool, soft sand of the beach. When I’d started, I didn’t know where I was running to, but that’s one of the things about the rock that you couldn’t find anywhere else: it knew what you needed and it gave it to you whether you wanted it or not. And yet…the sound of water pulling against the shore didn’t drown out
her voice. It didn’t silence the softness of her words as she spoke to him…
“And that’s what I need, dammit! I mean, come on! How many times could her saying she loved someone else play in my head before I blow up?”
The answer was obvious. Hearing it just once was enough to drive me so crazy, I was talking to myself.
Roaring, I rushed the water, the chill of it doing nothing to cool me off. My ears tucked against my head to keep the water out and trapped my thoughts inside. I was angry. I was…my head popped out of the water and I tasted salt and bitterness. Oh God. I’m jealous. That’s what this is. I’m freaking jealous.
I’m jealous of a goddamn human.
The water made waves around me as I swam out and then in, over and over again, trying to exhaust myself. If I was too tired to swim, I’d be too tired to think. It was my last chance and I took it. I let the burning muscles turn to ash. I swam and I swam until I couldn’t remember what it meant to feel dry, or rested, or…hurt in that way that went beyond pain.
This was the closest to numb I’d felt in a while, and numb was better than anything. It didn’t let in emotions. It didn’t let it in feelings. It didn’t let in anything but air. Cool, salty air that filled my lungs and let me breathe freely for once without hearing a single whisper of a name or a desire.
Things would be different tomorrow, but for now, I was free of Fallon, and I’d never felt more…
Empty.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
FALLON
I’ve never played the tour guide before, and Josh didn’t seem to mind – or notice – that my descriptions of the rock were completely made up. He started to make up stories, too, and together we decided that the biggest house on the cliff was owned by a wealthy woman who had a million cats and one parrot…for balance. And, it was because of these million cats that the name of the island was wrong.
“This isn’t Black Cat Rock,” he said. “It’s really Black Scat Rock.”
