‘You can discuss whatever you like.’
I paused, trying to understand what he was really saying. I decided I had no idea, and that I’d just cycle back to this conversation later if I worked it out. I noticed the list I’d accidentally stolen last week sitting in front of him. It was different now.
‘I’d like to discuss why some names have been crossed off that list,’ I decided, not sure why. Renatus turned the paper around so I could read it easier.
‘I suspected you would.’
‘Why are you crossing our names off?’ I asked, noting that Dylan, Isao and Joshua were all scratched off. Khalida Jasti was at the top now, followed by Constantine, then me, Xanthe and Iseult.
‘This is your scrying class, with Qasim,’ Renatus said, which I knew already. ‘How well do you know these people?’
‘Um, Xanthe and I are friends, sort of,’ I said, pointing to her name. I made no attempt to pronounce her surname. ‘The others I know only superficially. Why?’
‘To overcome Lisandro in a conflict, I will need access to magic and power that I don’t currently have,’ Renatus explained. ‘I will need to become a master.’
I stared at him. He wanted Lord Gawain’s job? He shook his head, as always, answering my thoughts before I could ask them.
‘I knew when I was initiated to the council that I’d never be the council’s Lord,’ he said. ‘That became certain when I took my current role last year. It is not possible to go from…what I am, to High Priest. That isn’t what I mean. I need an apprentice.’
‘Oh,’ I stated, understanding. I looked back at the list. ‘And these are your first choices?’
I couldn’t believe that I was in that top eight. Admittedly, I was sixth, but I was before Xanthe. That had to count for something. But seriously. Were Khalida and Constantine really that much better than me?
‘It’s listed by age,’ Renatus informed me, with a slight tone of amusement. He laced his long fingers together. ‘Qasim tells me that these eight are his best students. Realistically, as scriers, it makes sense for him and me to choose apprentices who show early promise in scrying. So we’re both considering this same group.’
‘And…you’ve already removed some from the running.’
Renatus seemed to sigh as he took the list back. I wasn’t sure what I expected but it wasn’t what followed.
‘I overheard Isao Tanaka talking with friends this morning in the dining hall, and I realised that I have no time to untrain stupidity,’ he admitted bluntly. ‘I observed Dylan Wright briefly and realised I require someone…slightly less…’ Renatus struggled to think of an appropriate word.
‘Soft?’ I suggested, thinking of the nice blonde boy.
‘That’ll do. I need someone less soft. What I do…it isn’t for the light hearted.’
I sat back, forgetting totally that this was my teacher.
‘Are you the White Elm’s Keeper?’ I asked, thinking of Anouk’s lecture. ‘The “researcher and warrior”?’
‘I’m not allowed to discuss it with you,’ Renatus said automatically. He paused. ‘But yes. The true title is Dark Keeper. It’s my job to defend the White Elm in times of crisis.’
‘Why aren’t you allowed to discuss this, if other councillors use their positions as public titles and Anouk teaches it in class?’
‘Nobody but the council, and now our students, knows that my position exists,’ he explained. He nodded at the publication in front of me. ‘It isn’t even properly described in the book you’ve found – and I’m glad you found it, by the way. I couldn’t find my copy to share with you. The creation of the Dark Keeper was a precautionary measure. A council of well-meaning, decent sorcerers all practising only white magic is beautiful in theory, but in reality, as soon as somebody comes along with knowledge of darker arts, they stand no chance of holding their power.’
‘But good should overpower evil,’ I argued. Everyone knew that. It was a common theme of modern storytelling, and one that I liked to believe in. Our conversations were so deep and academic that, as usual, I forgot to feel embarrassed for my outburst.
‘Maybe in Cinderella,’ Renatus answered, ‘but Lord Philip felt – and I happen to agree – the world is very rarely as simple as good and bad, right and wrong, black and white. There are shades of grey, and many of them. His council structure resembles what we now think of as the yin-yang concept. Nothing is inherently good or bad. There is flaw in everything light; there is beauty in everything dark. A White Elm council that was only light could not be balanced and could have no understanding of the dark. We cannot hope to compete against that which we do not understand.’ He sketched a faint yin-yang in the corner of the list as he spoke. ‘So, Lord Philip chose his cousin, Nathaniel Tynan, another councillor, to be the first Keeper of the Dark Arts. His job was to study dark magic and remain up-to-date with dangerous spells as they became popular, so that the council was able to effectively combat uprisings of dark sorcerers. The secrecy of the position has also allowed the White Elm to be continually underestimated during conflicts.’
I allowed this new information to sink in and assimilate itself with what I’d read and learned earlier in the day.
‘And now that’s your job,’ I said. He nodded, and things started clicking into place. ‘That’s why, on that Thursday night, Qasim came and got you, instead of just going ahead by himself?’
‘That’s right,’ Renatus agreed. ‘I am much better suited to a confrontation with Lisandro than he is, and he knows that. It didn’t help us much, though. Lisandro knew to expect us.’
‘If you study dark magic, are you evil?’ I asked before I could think about how awful that sounded. I shook my head quickly and added, ‘I mean, people. Not you.’
‘No one answers that question with “yes”,’ Renatus said immediately, ‘regardless of the true answer. No one thinks himself evil. Academically: yes, if you use dark magic, if you do bad things, you will do damage to your soul and the more you use it, the further and faster you’ll fall. There’s no coming all the way back, either. Some scars can’t be erased. Reading about it or talking to people about it, though, that doesn’t hurt you.’
I started to think on what I’d just learned (the White Elm had a secret weapon, a person, someone they trained to use dark magic, and that person was Renatus, and he was my headmaster, and he was well-suited to a confrontation with Lisandro, and that meant he could easily kill people, and he was sitting right in front of me, perfectly capable of blowing my head off with a click of his fingers if he so wanted…) and decided to ward off my imagination’s wanderings by quickly changing the topic. I took the list back.
‘All of the people you’ve left on here are pretty good scriers,’ I reported. Including me, obviously.
‘You’re friends with some,’ Renatus noted. ‘Like Xanthe Giannopoulos.’
‘We’re sort of friends,’ I corrected. ‘Some days she’s chatty, other days she won’t look at me.’
A bit like Qasim’s behaviour towards me, really, except that I always knew why he was angry. Xanthe would just switch off me for no apparent reason.
‘I think perhaps I just don’t understand her,’ I finished diplomatically.
‘And Iseult Taylor?’ Renatus asked, indicating the last name on his list. I considered the tiny, self-powerful blonde who hardly ever spoke. She was in my wards class with Emmanuelle, and my illusion class with Teresa.
‘I’ve never spoken to her,’ I said truthfully, fiddling with the strap on my watch, ‘but if I were you, looking for an apprentice, I would choose her.’
Renatus sat back, seemingly surprised.
‘What makes you say that?’ he asked.
‘Because she’s so powerful,’ I said, shrugging. ‘Doesn’t it make sense to find a student with a power level close to yours? And besides that, she’s good at everything.’
There was a knock at the door, and Renatus sighed, closing his eyes briefly.
Three older girls stepped inside the office, smiling and emanating nervousness and delight. One was Khalida Jasti from my scrying class, and the other two were her roommates. The Asian girl was clutching a pink diamante-covered notebook. All three had gone all-out on their hair and make-up this evening. Hair curled, straightened, pinned up – you name it. How they’d managed those styles without access to power points was beyond me. They all wore tight, dressy jeans and trendy black tops. They looked grown-up and glamorous.
‘Good evening, girls,’ Renatus said, professional as always. ‘What can I do for you?’
‘I’m not sure whether you really know who we are,’ Khalida gushed, ignoring me completely, ‘but I’m Khalida, and this is Suki, and Bella. We were hoping to talk to-’
She was interrupted by the girl I assumed was Bella, a pretty European with shiny brown hair and eyes so heavily lined with black kohl that I couldn’t guess the colour. She had just dragged her sultry gaze from Renatus to take a quick look around the office, and spotted me.
‘What’s she doing here?’ she demanded haughtily. Khalida and Suki turned to stare at me with the same demanding, expectant air. I felt a spark of indignation – what, they had a right to be here and I didn’t?
‘I’m in detention,’ I said, deeply annoyed. ‘Why?’
The three beautiful teen queens blinked almost in unison, looking uniformly stupid, and then relaxed, sharing snide, smug looks.
‘Oh, that’s right,’ Khalida said airily. ‘Sterling told us about that. Anyway,’ she turned her attention back to Renatus, ‘the three of us are interested in starting a student events committee, with your permission, Sir. Our tasks would involve organising social events for the students here, as presently there’s not a whole lot to do here outside of classes.’
‘I see,’ Renatus said, nodding once.
‘It would require some collaboration with you, Sir,’ Suki said, looking positively enthralled by the notion, ‘but mostly we’d organise everything ourselves. We’ve come up with a few ideas already.’ She showed him the book she held.
‘We thought you might like to have the worry of arranging these kinds of events off your shoulders,’ Bella added.
I quickly turned away so the girls wouldn’t see me struggling not to smile. Like Renatus had nothing better to do than arrange movie nights for a bunch of bored teenage drama queens.
‘Yes, that would definitely be a weight off my mind,’ Renatus said, absolutely seriously, and I tried my hardest not to roll my eyes and smirk. I bit my tongue and flipped open Anouk’s book to a random page. …councillors continued the then-common tradition of taking an apprentice to ensure succession of talent and skill within… I could tell without looking that the girls were beaming with pride. ‘Who would this committee consist of?’
‘Us,’ Khalida, Bella and Suki answered all at once, as though the answer was obvious.
‘Of course.’
‘These are some of our ideas,’ Khalida said sweetly, positively wrenching the pink and sparkly notebook from Suki’s jealous grasp. She stalked forward, earrings jingling, until she was standing right beside me, pretending I didn’t exist, and leaned past me to hand Renatus the book. ‘We’ll give you some time to have a read over what we’ve got, and perhaps we’ll come back in a couple of days to talk about what you think?’
‘That will be fine.’
Khalida smiled widely, an expression echoed by her friends. I was vividly reminded of a documentary I’d seen on lionesses, and envisioned a pack of hunters, trying to close in on their prey.
Except these girls had no idea what they were hunting.
‘Thanks so much,’ she said graciously, slowly backing away to rejoin the other two. ‘Goodnight, Sir.’
‘Goodnight, Sir,’ Bella and Suki said together. As one, they turned and left, each taking a moment to cast triumphant looks my way. I watched them leave. I supposed they thought they had won a round. I supposed they thought I cared if they’d just made complete fools of themselves. The door closed behind them.
Renatus didn’t say anything for a long moment – he just stared at the back of his office door. Then, abruptly, he snatched the list from me and slapped it down before him. I watched as he found a pen and crossed out the third name: Khalida.
I couldn’t have said what made me do it – what made me think I had any right to do it – but I reached across the desk and took both the pen and the list from him. He didn’t try to hold onto either one. I scanned the list quickly, and drew a line through Xanthe’s name.
Actually, I knew exactly what made me do it. Xanthe had been nasty to Hiroko and I couldn’t bear the thought of her getting a privilege so undeserved. As to where I got off thinking it was my right to influence Renatus’s decision as a result, well, I’m not so sure. He didn’t seem offended.
‘I thought she was your friend?’ Renatus asked, his tone hinting at amusement.
‘She’s not.’ I still had Anouk’s book open, and flicked the cover to close it. Renatus’s hand snapped out and caught it, maintaining my page.
‘Don’t,’ he said. ‘No page is random for people like us.’
‘What are you talking about?’ I asked. He pushed the cover back so the book fell open again.
‘You opened the book without thinking. There is information on this page for you. Maybe not for today, but for one day. You should memorise the page number and come back to it.’
‘How do you know I didn’t?’ I teased, knowing it was a stupid question – of course he knew I hadn’t committed the page number to memory! I looked around for a bookmark, or something to use as one, and Renatus unlocked and opened his drawer.
‘Use this,’ he suggested, offering me a strip of red ribbon. My eyes lingered on it as I took it.
A beautiful teenage girl with very long black hair sitting in the library…She uses the red ribbon to secure her plait…Loneliness, resentment, hurt…She has tears on her face…
I whipped my hand back instantly. Renatus blinked, surprised by my reaction.
‘What is it?’ he asked.
‘Whose is this?’ I demanded, startled. I could still feel the girl’s pain. ‘She’s upset.’
He stared at me, apparently lost for words. His face didn’t say much, but his eyes told me that my words and my distress had brought up a hurt deep inside him. His whole energy shifted, and something seemed to break. I could suddenly feel everything he was feeling, whereas usually he was in complete control of his emotions. His fingers closed over the ribbon, tighter and tighter, mirroring the feeling of tightness in my chest.
‘She’s…’ he began, but couldn’t continue for a very long moment. He looked to his window, as he often seemed to do when he was lost in thought. This time, though, I wasn’t going to leave him to his thoughts. I was worried for this girl, distressed by what I’d felt, and I wanted to know what was going on.
‘She’s what?’ I asked, not caring if I sounded pushy. ‘Who is she? Where is she?’
‘She’s been dead for seven years,’ Renatus said finally, clearly struggling. I had never seen him so distraught. He wouldn’t look at me. ‘Her name was Ana. She’s…’ He wiped his brow with his hand, upset. He paused for another long moment, and this time I allowed it. I was trying hard not to cry. He finally dragged his gaze back to me, and to my surprise, there was an apologetic look in his eyes. ‘She’s why you’re here.’
I closed Anouk’s book, losing my place, but I was finding it hard to care. My head was swimming – all I could feel was grief, powerful grief, and it was clouding my thoughts. I stared at Renatus, trying to make sense of his words. The parts of my brain still functioning began producing outlandish and improbable possible meanings. Was this Ana a prophet who had foreseen my coming to this school and my eventual ascension into
the White Elm as the Scrier? That would be too nice and convenient. Perhaps she’d died as a part of some psychotic ritual, and I had been selected as the next sacrifice? Did Renatus have contact with the other side? Was that the sort of dark magic the council let him use? Had I been tricked into coming here?
Could I possibly think up a crazier prospect?
‘I don’t understand,’ I said, making an effort to keep my voice even. My heart was hurting. His pain was too intense, too real to block out. Renatus held my gaze.
‘She was my sister,’ he explained softly, ‘and you remind me of her.’
I stood suddenly, not really knowing what I was doing. My heart felt broken. All I knew was what he was feeling, and I was connecting so deeply that I was completely unable to block it. It was overwhelming. I realised how much it must have hurt him to get to know me, having grieved for his lost sister for seven years and suddenly meeting a living reminder. I wondered briefly why he had bothered with me if that was the case. This was my fault. I’d brought this up. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t stand myself, and I knew this wasn’t my own, personal feeling. I could feel tears welling in my eyes, blurring my vision.
‘I’m sorry,’ I blurted, backing away. Distance usually helped whenever this happened to me. I’m sorry that you lost the person you loved most in the world. I’m sorry that I remind you of what you lost. I’m sorry that I’m here and she’s not.
‘Aristea,’ Renatus said, standing also, ‘that isn’t what I meant.’
His voice was calmer, and he was making a conscious effort to rein in his emotions, but I had already felt it all, and I was still drowning in it. I didn’t know any way of calming down other than simply running away from the problem. It was the only way that always worked – I didn’t seem to have the self-control to wait it out.
The last thing I wanted was to burst into tears in front of Renatus and completely lose control to a bundle of powerful emotions that weren’t even mine. I’d backed almost all the way to the door by this point, and Renatus, his expression one of concern, raised a hand and the door opened. I turned to leave, but managed to make myself pause in the doorway and look back quickly.
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