by Kata Čuić
I roll over, squeeze my eyes shut, and let my mind run with all the imagined scenarios of his steamy hookups, which seem far easier to handle than hearing him laugh at my idiocy.
Suddenly, heat washes over me as Rob’s bare chest presses against my back. He wraps me in his arms. His chuckles brush through my hair as he nuzzles me, peppering my cheek, ear, anywhere he can reach with slightly rough kisses. “God, I miss you.”
Those words, the sudden contact, my swirling thoughts all weigh me down until my body goes rigid.
“Ssh,” he soothes. “I’ll never hurt– “
He cuts himself off before I can interject.
“I have, though. More than anyone.” His chest heaves with a sigh that reverberates against my back. “So, I can’t understand why you got that tattoo at all. I want to know why you hated being with someone else because it makes no sense to me. If he was average, he shouldn’t have hurt you. Even if he was a complete asshole, he couldn’t possibly have done anything worse to you than I have. Telling me you hated having sex with someone else scares me, because…short of forcing you to do things against your will, I can’t understand how anyone on the entire planet isn’t better for you than I am.”
Where’s all the rage I’ve seen from this man since the game in Albany? What happened to all the diatribes about my lying, about me giving up on myself?
Strangely, his wrath is far easier to take than his guilt. His anger is justified; his guilty conscience never has been.
I roll in his arms to face him, needing him to see the surety in my eyes. “I hated it because he wasn’t you. That doesn’t mean I think we can be together, though. I stand by what I did because I will never believe I’m good enough for you. In so many ways. But, please, believe me when I say: any woman in her right mind would kill for a chance at something real with you.”
His eyes turn sad, ever-changing to another color reflecting his emotions. “Agree to disagree.”
“Why?”
He smiles, traces my cheek with a single finger. “Because you’re the perfect woman. I’m just the dumb jock who fell in love with you, but couldn’t keep you.”
“I’m not perfect. Far from it.” He knows that more than most.
“You have always been perfect…to me.”
“Yeah.” My laughter is full of sarcasm. “Me acting the part of jersey chaser tonight surely proves that.”
“You already have unrestrained access to all our money, so you didn’t ask me to bring you here to try and get at that.”
I roll my eyes. “Obviously. And I’m still not touching your money.”
He smirks. “Are you going to blast this little liaison all over social media?”
“No.” That’s insulting.
“Were you hoping to blackmail me in some way?”
“You mean like the way you blackmailed me into putting off a hysterectomy? No.”
“Hey.” He squeezes me a bit. “You’re getting something you want out of that deal, too. Don’t pretend you’re not.”
Fine. He’s got me there.
Rob studies my face, his gaze roaming over my hair, between my eyes, down to my lips where he settles. “Explain to me, then, how you acted like a jersey chaser tonight.”
Renewed embarrassment heats my skin. “Did you miss the part where I asked you to bring me to your hotel room? I’m not even as gorgeous as all the women you sleep with, let alone capable of hot, earth-shattering sex. I was so drunk and so convinced that might help me move on, I let my mouth run away from my brain.”
Rob furrows his brow. “That’s what tonight was about? You thought us having sex would help you move on?”
I don’t know what I was thinking anymore. I clearly wasn’t. “Maybe, at first. Something like that. I don’t know.”
“What do you need from me, Evie?” His voice is soft, but clear, his expression neutral, but without a hint of simmering anger. He seems to be holding his breath, waiting on my answer.
I’ll never have a better chance than this. The offer is on the table. I’ll regret this moment forever if I don’t take it. I close my eyes, inhale a gulp of courage, then let my anxiety fly. “I need to know I was right. I need to know you’re better off now. That you have an amazing sex life with gorgeous women who fulfill your every need. I need to know my sacrifice was worth it.”
His face falls a little. “I’m sorry. I can’t give you what you need…still.”
Frustration poisons my tongue. “Can’t? Or won’t?”
“Can’t,” he simply responds.
No, no, no, no. This is not how this conversation is supposed to go. He’s supposed to give me all the dirty details of his hookups. I should be dying inside while he tells me he’s finally caught up to Alex—the number of women he’s bedded has reached triple digits.
Just as he threatened earlier, he refuses to give me what I want. Instead, he pulls me closer. “I know you don’t listen to me when I tell you the truth.”
“Just because it’s the truth from your perspective doesn’t make it axiomatic,” I whisper, trying to hide my face in the pillows.
“It does,” he insists. “I even killed a part of my soul I’ll never get back to prove it’s the absolute truth.” He swallows thickly, then resumes his torture. “You obviously weren’t listening earlier when I told you I hated being with someone else. That I puked my brains out afterward.”
“If I yelled out the wrong person’s name, I would’ve felt badly about it, too.”
My pacification only seems to ruffle his feathers. He shakes me a bit in his grasp. “You’re still not hearing me, Evie. I didn’t throw up because I thought I hurt Julie’s feelings. I was disgusted with myself for letting my body overrule my heart. Yeah, I came, and you know what? It was an automatic thing I didn’t enjoy. I got no pleasure from it. That’s what I’m trying to make you understand. I did what you begged me to do and I proved you wrong.”
Of all the times in my life I’ve felt reduced to the smallest, most pathetic speck of dust, none of those compare to now. Even when I believe I’m being selfless, I’m not. How am I supposed to know whether anything I do is right or wrong anymore? What’s the point?
“Just…” Rob heaves a deep breath. “We’re going in circles and nothing’s getting accomplished. Let’s start over.”
I peek out from my hiding spot. “Start over how?”
He pulls his lips in between his teeth, then releases them almost like he’s ripping off a bandage from his mouth. “Let’s start with today. I hated today. It reminded me of all the things we never got to have. How did you feel about the wedding and reception? And…” He squeezes me. “Don’t lie to me.”
Lying didn’t change anything, anyway. I have nothing left to lose with the truth. “I had a nice time today, in spite of the way you treated me. Seeing Alyssa and Jeremy so happy made me feel like love isn’t a fairy tale. It’s just not the ending to my story.”
Rob closes his eyes briefly. “And how do you think I treated you today?”
“You completely ignored me. Spent the entire day flirting with Lydia.” That’s not even my perspective talking. It’s a fact.
“I spent the entire day thinking of you and using Lydia as a distraction.” He grimaces as the words leave his mouth.
That doesn’t make me feel any better. “Using people isn’t like you, Rob.”
“I do a lot of shit now that isn’t really me. Without you, I don’t feel like me at all.”
That’s too much pressure. “I can’t be the reason you do the right thing. You were a good person before you ever met me, or I never would have felt attracted to you to begin with. I don’t want to be your excuse for not being yourself.”
“I know,” he hedges. “It’s like I forgot how to be myself. You were the piece of my life that kept me grounded, kept me sane. But, I’m struggling to even have a conversation with you. It’s like I don’t remember how to function, like I’m lost in a fog I can’t find my way out of. I don’t know how to t
reat you anymore, because other than your request that I get my life together, I don’t know what you want from me anymore. You said tonight you wanted to move on, and…I know I’m no good for you. I’ve been doing what you asked of me, but I don’t think inserting myself into your life again is a good idea, either. I’m doing my best to keep my distance while we see this deal through, but it’s…hard.”
“I don’t want you to keep your distance,” I blurt. “I was kind of hoping we could at least salvage our friendship.”
If that doesn’t make me a masochist of the highest order, I don’t know what does.
Rob relaxes his head a bit more against the pillow. “Okay. That’s…good to know.”
We stare at each other for a few minutes in silence as the world continues to pass on around us. For me, at least, time feels frozen. Like this moment will be important someday, but I don’t yet know how.
Rob cracks under the pressure of quiet first. “Why did you really ask me to bring you back to my hotel room tonight?”
I swallow down a returning sensation of nausea. “I was on a mission to get pretty drunk in the hopes of ignoring your presence, too. I didn’t want to be sad on Jeremy and Alyssa’s big day. Alex and I were talking. He said something about me having power. I said I didn’t have any. He used me getting you here as an example. I maintained it’s your uncanny ability to pity me as the reason why you always jump when I snap my fingers. He said that wasn’t true, and I needed to find out for myself before I could move on and let the past go. Or something to that effect. Anyway, that’s it. That’s the gist of how we got here.”
Rob tries so hard to keep his face expressionless, but fails spectacularly. After several minutes of fumbling for words and a few deep breaths, he finally responds. “I don’t pity you. Never have. If anything, I pitied myself over the years. Gorgeous girl is a confident, intelligent, amazing person? I’m in love. I have no idea what to say to her or how to make her notice me? Well, I suck. Might as well not even try. Girlfriend gets assaulted? She pushes forward like a fucking warrior. I let it happen? Boo hoo, poor boyfriend. Run away and hide like the coward I am. The list goes on and on, but you get the idea.”
Well, that’s no surprise. Rob’s always felt guilty for things he couldn’t control, and in some ways, has a poorer self-image than I do.
But, he’s extending an olive branch tonight. His suggestion to start over, his easy acceptance to still be friends…I can’t let that go. “Why did you agree to bring me back to your hotel room tonight?”
He coughs out a little laugh, his cheeks pinking. “Well, uh…I was kind of hoping you would stay with me all night, and I could actually get some sleep.”
All I can do is blink at him in confusion. “You wanted to…sleep?”
“Yeah.”
Is all the sex wearing him out? I guess it might be like anything else a person gets sick of after indulging too often. I wouldn’t know, though.
Rob caresses my cheek in that old, familiar way before brushing my crazy hair off my forehead. “I was okay when you were living with Mike at State. We didn’t share the same bed anymore, but I knew where you were. I knew he’d keep you safe. Ever since you moved to New York, though, I can’t sleep for more than a few hours at a time. At any given moment, I have no idea where you are, what’s going on in your life, and it drives me fucking crazy.”
My mind cannot process his admissions. All this time I believed he was ignoring me, but if I take his words at face value, he’s been thinking of me as often as I think of him.
“I wake up under my bed every morning,” I admit. If this has become a night for confessions, might as well get them all over with.
“The closet’s too small to sleep in?” Rob guesses.
“No. My apartment is a studio. There is no closet.”
He frowns even as he slowly nods his head against the pillow. “Some nights the only way I could get back to sleep was honestly…hoping a better man than me was holding you, making you feel loved and safe.”
Just like I imagine him with other women who give him everything I can’t. “I kind of…stalked you during the season to keep tabs on you. I wanted to make sure you were doing okay.”
A soft smile brings out his dimple. God help me, but he’s beautiful. “I sort of guessed you might still be my number one fan when I saw that tattoo. But, I don’t deserve that kind of devotion from you. Hell, I don’t deserve to be holding you in my arms in this bed right now.” His expression turns serious. “I’ll never ask for your forgiveness. I destroyed the best part of my life, and every ounce of suffering I’ve experienced since that night is justified.”
I shouldn’t do it, but my hand has a mind of its own. Reaching out to touch his face, stubble scratches against my palm in an almost soothingly familiar way. “I don’t ever want you to suffer. And you can’t ask for forgiveness, anyway.”
“I don’t expect you to ever give it,” is his immediate response.
“I can’t give it because there’s nothing to forgive. If anything, I should be begging for your forgiveness.” And maybe that’s another thing weighing me down. How can I possibly move forward with my life, knowing how many different ways I’ve done wrong by this man? If I can’t find redemption for sacrificing our relationship, then maybe I can seek absolution for all my sins against him. “There are things you still don’t know, things I need to tell you.”
“Ssh.” He places a gentle kiss on my forehead. It’s not lust-driven but not placating, either. The sensation of his lips lingering a heartbeat too long against my skin spreads warmth throughout my body, thawing away the isolation of the past year without him as even a friend. “There are so many things I need to tell you, too. Just…not tonight.”
“Why not tonight? We’ve been confessing all sorts of things to each other.”
“And I don’t know about you, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around some of them.” He pulls back enough to gaze into my eyes, an expression of exhaustion settling on his handsome face. He heaves a deep sigh which moves from his body to mine. “It’s been a long day, but I never had any hope when I woke up this morning of it ending like this. I don’t want to do or say anything to jinx it. So, for now, just know this…”
He seems to need a few moments to gather his courage, so I wait, silent, giving him what he needs. Something I’ve always tried to do, but apparently, never succeeded in.
How ironic he feels the same way.
“I did what you asked of me, even though I shouldn’t have. I proved you wrong, and in the same instant, drove a wedge between us forever. I believed your lies, I cheated on my wife, and not only did I not enjoy it, but I will never forgive myself for it. I’ve been waiting every day since we moved to opposite ends of the country to be served with divorce papers. Instead, for reasons I will never understand, you showed up in California, told me to get my shit together and gave me a hell of a good reason to do it. When I made that deal with you, I didn’t give a damn about myself, but there was no way I was going to let you flush your life down the toilet without a fight. My only motivation was making sure you gave yourself a chance to have everything you deserve.
“And I went into that deal knowing you sure as hell deserve better than me. But, today was hard, Evie. It was fucking hard watching our friends enjoy everything we were supposed to have. It was hard, watching you smile, laugh, dance, and look more gorgeous than any mere mortal should be able to…all without me. When you asked me to bring you back to my room, my first instinct was to resist. I’ve been doing my best to keep my distance. But, then it occurred to me you were asking me because you trusted me. And I couldn’t refuse that. It’s your choice to trust me. Even if it makes zero sense to me, I can’t, and would never try, to control how you feel or what you want.”
I can’t help but smirk at his carefully-delivered explanations, even as tears blur my vision. “Is there a particular reason you’re rehashing everything we’ve already talked about? I know you said we were spinning i
n circles without accomplishing anything, but I’m not sure a summary is really moving things forward.”
Rob cups my cheek, swiping away stray tears with his thumb. “I figured it all bears repeating since not only are you probably still somewhat drunk, but you have this nasty habit of not hearing me when I tell you things.”
I’m actually completely sober now, but I don’t get a chance to tell him so before he presses on.
“Seeing that tattoo on your hip tonight might be a game changer; it might not. Just because I feel a certain way about it doesn’t mean you do. I don’t know if it makes a damn bit of difference you’ve slept with someone else.” He squeezes his eyes shut, swallowing like he might be sick. “But, it matters. To me, it matters. I don’t…I don’t even know all the hows or whys of those two things yet, but I know they’re important. You don’t owe me an explanation, no matter how much I beg. I just…thank you for being here tonight. Thank you, after everything I put you through, for still wanting to be my friend.”
It might not have been the admissions of his amazing life without me I wanted to hear, but my heart squeezes painfully in my chest. I’m left with not knowing how to respond, not knowing what to say. Everything I do turns out wrong, anyway.
I suppose the least I can give him are answers to his burning questions. “Rob, I…”
He places a hand over my mouth. “Don’t. If you wanted to tell me, you would have. I had no right to ask in the first place.”
I nod until he relents his hold. For now, I’ll bite my tongue. But, before this deal runs its course, I’ll tell him everything. Whether he wants to hear it or not, some things need to be said.
We both have a boatload of regrets for the things we’ve already done to each other. How much more guilt would we have for the things we don’t do or say before time runs out?
Rob sighs, but seems to relax like getting that off his chest has already lightened his load. “Last chance to change your mind about staying with me. Once I pass out, I guarantee I’m going to sleep for at least twelve hours. I can muster up the energy to take you home if you want, though.”
