I can’t bear to hear any of the details revolving the instant feelings Ashley pushed on him and how he allowed himself to freefall with her.
“What’s that?” he asks, his brows furrow.
“Are you angry with Liam?” I ask him, my mouth drying with nervousness. “I saw how mad you were when you found out, but I need to know if you resent him.”
“I am a little,” he affirms.
My heart cramps and I close my eyes. I never wanted to destroy relationships, and I knew it would when Lawson eventually found out – because I knew he had. Leo was right with that one. I just wish Liam was here to argue his side of the situation.
“Please, don’t be,” I tell him. “He fought your side of my decision all the way, Lawson.” I swallow hard around the lump in my throat. “He loved you,” I tell him, remembering the reasons why Liam found me. “He found me to help you. I ruined the chances of that when I told him I didn’t want you near me.”
“Did you want me there?” Lawson asks, already ruined by the reply I’m yet to give.
“Every single day,” I admit, my eyes dropping to his lap. “It was all I wanted when it got too much.”
“I was a phone call away,” he says, and I can hear the bitterness filling his words. “That was it … I was one God damn phone call away and you never even tried.”
“I did,” I admit, my vision blurring as my tears fill my eyes. “I tried. God did I try,” I confess, my entire body sagging. “I just was never brave enough to push call.”
“But you kept Liam around,” he says, a hostile tone takes over.
“Yeah because I was selfish,” I admit, tears slip down my face. “I could have him … all of him … and not have to worry about that moment he saw what I was left with. I saw how horrified you were when you saw my scars, Lawson. I couldn’t have dealt with that when it first happened when that look nearly killed me tonight.”
Regardless of his anger, Lawson captures my tears, pushing them away from my skin.
“He was the closest thing I had to you and my family while Alex was gone,” I bravely admit, using his touch to fuel me. “He kept me sane, but it didn’t mean he didn’t try to change my mind on a daily basis. Eventually, though, he gave up … and I don’t blame him. He grew tired of trying when I was never going to change my mind.” I regret my decisions, every single one of them. “I was selfish, and now I’ve made you resent the man that only ever kept your best interest at heart.”
His thumb stops, forcing me to look at him.
“You should be thankful … forget the anger and be thankful … he kept me alive when I didn’t want to be.” I see even more grief resolve in his eyes, and I know I have to get him to remember why Liam was so faithful, why he was more family than family. “Be thankful because he’s the real reason I was finally brave enough to come home.”
The air around us becomes stilted, neither of us dares breathe as we take the first real look at one another. The beings that we were falling away to reveal the ones that we’ve become.
“I can’t lose you now,” he finally utters, his head falling forward.
“And you can’t lose her?” I ask, finishing his thought. “Right?”
I watch him gulp hard. “No, I can’t.”
For the first time, I don’t deny him his greed.
I give in, with his hand still to my cheek, I pull closer, closing the gap between us so I can get the taste of him. His lips meet mine, both hesitant, both unsure, but I want to take a piece of him before it gets harder to survive. I reluctantly pull away, moving so my forehead can rest against his.
“I go when you tell me to go.”
I’m accepting a sweet deal I know will eventually kill what’s left of me.
But for him, I’d walk to hell and back.
Grief never felt this paralyzing.
Not even when Eden left was it this bad. I guess I knew she would always come back, love would prevail, and all would be right in the world.
Of course, life threw curveballs.
Eden may have come home, but that didn’t mean our love would prevail.
And Liam would still be dead.
I knew I was greedy, playing with both their hearts, but I couldn’t imagine losing someone else right at this moment. The void Liam left in me would forever live in me, and I knew no matter what I did I would never fix that sad truth.
“I’ll go and get you a drink,” Eden whispers, after laying back down with me.
She let the silence settle over us, neither one of us uttered a word. We just existed in that spot on the bed like we had so many times before. In between inhale and exhale I believed our lives were not in tatters, but I was a fool because every time my lungs expanded with air, the pain death left came back with a vengeance.
“Make it strong,” I tell her.
“Okay,” she utters, softly.
I close my eyes as her fingers tenderly caress the side of my face.
“This was not your fault,” she tells me, soothing me with a simple sense of comfort.
She seals the moment by pressing a kiss to my temple, before finally leaving my side. She leaves, allowing me the solidarity, but not without lingering in the doorway first.
Regardless, what people have to say about her, I knew every jaded, jagged, tenderly cruel shard to her. With one gesture, I know the girl that burst back into our lives isn’t completely real. I believe that what Eden went through changed her, hardened her to the world, gave her new edges I’m yet to learn, but I also know the little romantic that got lost in my sins while I reveled in hers is still there.
I roll over, my back hitting the mattress and I stare at the ceiling. I’ve spent many sleepless nights like this, reminding myself of the girl who got away. Now, it’s every scene that stained my hands red leading to the very moment Liam took a bullet.
Pushing myself up from the bed, I decide I need to start a new plan in motion. I need to save those I can before they’re classed as collateral damage and I have to watch them become fallen soldiers of The Firm.
I can hear a low rumble of voices, everyone speaking softly, all emotion muted for the misery that was placed upon us all. Hatred rolls in my stomach, forcing a nauseous feeling through me. I close my eyes, realizing every part of the deep-rooted loathing leads to my father.
He’s destroyed us.
Continuing into the main living area, they’re all pretty much in the places I left them, but I acknowledge no one. I make my way to the dresser, unwilling to let Eden help me fall into a drunken state. I fix the drink, pouring more of the scotch into the tumbler than normal. I set the decanter down and steady myself against the dresser, feeling all eyes on me.
“I understand if you want to leave,” I state, head still bowed, voice still hoarse. “If you want to go, now is your chance. I won’t hold anythin’ against you.”
“Boss,” Frazer speaks up, a tentative approach.
“We all watched one of our own die unnecessarily today,” I continue, completely ignoring Frazer. “I won’t have another one of you end up like Liam.”
“I’m not leavin’,” Nate states, his voice traveling with conviction. “I don’t care what you say, boss, I’m here to stay.”
I turn around, ready to fight him, but slowly my men all stand, going to step in next to Nate. Frazer and Harrison fix me with a look that tells me now is not the time to argue, but I can’t stop myself. Liam’s death has been assaulting my memory since it happened and I can’t watch any more of them suffer the same fate.
“You’re now officially acceptin’ a suicide mission,” I grouse, my jaw starting to clench. “And you think I’m going to let you?”
“You don’t have a choice,” Harrison mutters, crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s your side or your father’s. We all choose yours.”
“You’re all fuckin’ stupid,” I tell them, downing a gulp of the liquor, allowing the burn to ignite the fire already growing in me. “You’re all a bunch of stupid fuckin’
bastards for thinkin’ you can survive this now.”
“Don’t care,” Frazer adds, setting a heavy gaze on you. “We all lost Liam tonight, Boss. We aren’t prepared to lose anythin’ else.”
“You did see that bullet strike him between the eyes, right?” I ask, brutal with my honesty. “What about your families?”
“You are family,” Nate argues, his strength seemingly having grown since Liam’s death. “We knew who you were, who your father was when we took the jobs we did. We knew what we were doin’ when we followed you into your business … Boss, we knew everythin’ because you never hid a thing.”
“Which means we know everythin’, now,” Frazer states. “We knew what could happen.”
“No. No, you didn’t,” I say, stopping him right away. No fucker could have predicted this. “Because even I didn’t want to believe my father could kill one of his own. Liam was part of the family … that means no one is fuckin’ safe anymore. No one is off limits,” I state, and look right at Ashley. I let out a low mirthless chuckle. “Bet you never bet on this, did you, Princess?” I ask, hearing the sardonic notes to my words. “Women like you should never be privy to what men like my father can do.”
“You’re about six years too late for that concern,” Ashley boldly states, looking unshaken from the turn of events. “We’ve been over this more times than I can count,” she starts, shaking her head at me in complete dismay. “I’ve been sleepin’ with the enemy for years now. What happened to Liam is just added onto a long string of things I probably shouldn’t have been privy to.”
“Lawson, she’s a witness now,” Eden starts, coming to stand between Ashley and me. “Leo won’t let her go quite so easily.”
“You make her sound like a prisoner,” I grouse.
“That’s because she is,” Harrison admits, while his tone seems solemn, he also seems unmoved by the fact.
“We all are,” Frazer adds, looking around at us all. “It doesn’t matter if you’re the son or the daughter, the fuckin’ devil did the deed … we’re all under his control.”
I fucking hate this.
“We aren’t,” I tell them, downing the rest of my drink and slam the glass down. “I am not going to have anyone a prisoner to this life more so than I am. I won’t fuckin’ allow it!”
I created a world for my men to allow them a normal life with a normal job with normal fucking prospects. I’ll admit, I did it to clear my conscious a bit. I allowed them the chance to have a job they could be proud of and be the strong, formidable men I knew they were. Their ties to The Firm never differed, never wavered, and they never missed a beat when my father called upon them.
Now, however, the sanctity of that is diminishing.
For their sakes, I’ll act accordingly.
“So, what do you plan to do?” Eden asks, trying to suppress her emotions. “Are you going to give it all up to become what they always wanted?”
Eden is the one person who lived the same fate as I did. Her brother was never dragged into The Firm like she was – she was corrupt from a young age, showed her fierceness when she needed to when she was just shy of her eighteenth birthday. Her brother, however, was the brain box. He knew how to exact get out plans and how to make sure all the money added up. He was the brain The Firm always needed and being a true blood made him invaluable – until Joseph’s death.
“I could,” I start to say, knowing there is some sensibility in that fact alone.
“You fuckin’ moronic bas-” Eden insults, she looks ready to pounce, but she gets sidetracked by her phone.
We all watch her brow furrow before Eden cries out unable to hide the sob that unravels from her. She drops her cell phone and immediately leaves the living area. My sister is quick to grab the phone, and a similar reaction comes from her, but instead of dropping the cell, she looks up at me.
I snatch the phone, feeling my men coming to my side, as I look at the photo displayed. There, on the screen, is Liam laid on a slab in the morgue. Bile rises in my throat, but I resist the urge and even my breathing. Clicking the photo away, I see who the sender is, and my blood boils.
“Mother fucker!” I bellow, my anger surging. “Eden!” I yell, rushing into the kitchen.
Tess is standing with Eden as she stands hunched over the counter. She’s running her hand tenderly over her back as she tries to control her emotions. In all the years I’ve known Eden, I’ve never known her to be this emotional. That, in itself, tells me how hard she hit rock bottom.
“He’s playin’ with us,” I state, turning on the spot to look around at everyone. “He’s fuckin’ playin’ with us because he knows where to hurt us.”
“Boss,” Harrison starts, a grave look in eyes. “He’s not playin’ with us … he’s torturin’ us.”
“He’s setting a precedent,” I tell them, my voice hard. “He’s tryin’ to scare us into submission.”
“It’s workin’,” Tess admits, leaving Eden to face me. “Don’t you think it’s time you just did what dad said?”
“No,” I defy her, watching her face fall with devastation. “I’m not ready to hand my entire life over to a man who wants nothin’ from me other than my undyin’ commitment.”
“If you did what he said you’d be free of him sooner,” Tess says, desperation paining her. “I don’t want you to wind up like Liam did … and I don’t disbelieve that our dad will stop at you, Lawson. You threaten everythin’ he’s fought for.”
“And now I’m fightin’ for what I want to,” I tell her, taking a step forward. “I fought for you, Tess. All of your damn life I fought for you to have the better life, the one I knew his money could buy you. I did that because I didn’t want you corrupt. I’m not about to sell my soul to him when I know I stand a chance of havin’ a life.”
“What life, Lawson?” she asks, her tone full of misery. “Look at what fightin’ has done to you … you’re never going to be able to beat him when he’s the one holdin’ all of the power.” I watch a glaze of tears swim across her eyes. “All you’ve done is fight for a life dad will always snatch away from you.”
Sometimes, I hate how true Tess can be. She was always wiser before her age, and I guess it’s always been because she’s had to evolve quicker, adapt to a life not most people have to learn to live in.
“I don’t know what I’d do if dad did somethin’ to you,” she admits. “I couldn’t bear losing you,” Tess whispers, dropping her gaze as tears fall down her cheek. “You’re all I have.”
“Tess,” I breathe, feeling physically wounded by her despair. I cross the room, capturing her face to make her look at me. “You won’t ever lose me.”
“Like Liam said you’d never lose him?” she asks, more tears fall, slipping between the pad of my thumb and the skin of her jaw. “Lawson, this world has always scared me, you know that, but it scares me more after what we witnessed tonight.”
“He won’t have a chance to get me,” I vow. “You won’t ever have to worry, Tess.”
I can read every inch of disbelief over her. She struggles to hide it until she caves and doesn’t even attempt to. I know she fears for us, she always did when she was away, but now it’s suffocating her.
“Nate,” I say, loosening my grip without removing it. My order causes Tess’s eyes to widen. “You love my sister, right?”
“With my life,” he vows, causing Tess’s eyes to light up.
“Now is your chance to prove your fuckin’ worth to her,” I say, not removing my eyes from my sister. “Whatever happens, whatever is to come, I want you to promise me you’ll protect Tess.” I finally look at him, letting go of Tess’s face to turn to him. “No matter what, I don’t care who the threat is against I want your main priority to be Tess … always Tess.” I stand a little straighter, feeling the power of being a leader once more. My grief only hardening my plan. “Can you do that?”
“Yes,” Nate says, and I can see how serious he takes the task I’m offering. “No matter what happens, I’l
l make sure she’s away from any harm.”
“Thank you,” I say, feeling a ton lighter. I turn to my sister who looks ever more pained by my decisions. “They’re here to stay, Tess, and that’s for a reason.”
“I don’t have a good feeling about this,” she admits.
“You never did,” I tell her, giving her a small smile. “My men are much cleverer than they look. Dad caught us unawares tonight … I won’t allow that to happen. If they’re here to stay, then we’re going to make ripples.”
I feel a demonic heat race through my veins, burning away my morals. It’s been a long time since I felt this alive and I look at the woman who shared that with me.
“Eden, are you going to be stickin’ around or do you want out?”
“I’m not leavin’,” she says, her tone harsh. “Leo isn’t family anymore … he’s not off limits to me now.”
“Okay,” I say, my confidence coming back slowly. “That’s an extra point to us.”
I know my men aren’t leaving, Eden neither, and while my sister’s firmly in the middle of this, I know she won’t leave. So, that leaves Ashley and me. I finally look, finally pay her attention and see as she stands on the sidelines, looking like the odd one out. She’s anything but when she’s so involved now. She’s a part of this, and she’s a part of my life. I need her to see that she is now a firm member of this family I forged. We will always look after our own and, right now, I don’t care what’s happened in the past. We have been forced together by the hands of my father.
“What about you, Ashley?” I ask, stepping toward her.
She’s the one who’s about to feel that easy burn.
“I don’t have a choice, do I?” she asks, her eyes watering. “I have nowhere else to go.”
I cross the distance between us and I place a hand against her face, cradling her jaw, my fingers sitting in her hairline. I steady her gaze, giving her every inch of my conviction.
“When I first met you I promised to take you wherever you wanted to go … that offer never left the table.” I fix her with a harder look, trying my best to read her. “What do you want to do?”
Sweet Venom (Crazy in Love #1) Page 30
