While she smiles, loving the idea of this, I’m mortified that none of us saw right through her. My jealous nature and needy heart made her my enemy long before I even laid eyes on her. My reason for coming home was never about her until I learned about her – then she became part of the reason.
But this was not the girl I gave an orchid to.
“You’re fuckin’ delusional,” I grouse, closing my eyes against the pounding ramming through my temple. “Absolutely fuckin’ delusional!”
“Thanks,” she remarks, laughing.
I’m horrified at the woman standing before me. The girl that became my friend for one evening no longer exists, nor does the girl that played so innocently. The girl that Lawson allowed himself to open to has disappeared in the cold light of day.
“I guess I’m the real game changer,” she almost cheers, shrugging as she grins. “I bet you never saw me coming.”
“No,” I willing admit, shaking her head. “No, I really didn’t.” While I look at the paper, I find my own lunacy reaping revenge. “But you best believe you will never, and I mean never see The Firm comin’,” I state, grinding each word through my teeth, allowing the syllables to resonate. “Not how you think it will.”
Langdon forgotten – The Firm is unbeatable. Lawson and I learned that yet remain hopeless little rebels.
“Honey, The Firm is worth shit now,” Ashley declares, almost too proudly. “They’re all too worried about tearing one another to shreds to care.” She laughs at the thought. “And you ran once,” she reminds me, giving me a false sympathetic look. “They won’t believe anything else happened to you but the fact you skipped town again because the pressure got too much.” She paces again, a merry little skip in her step. “You writing that letter not only seals the deal for me, but you can see it as your little piece of closure,” she adds, her sanctimonious nature not drying easily. “Because you and Lawson will never lay eyes on one another again.”
Acidic tears grow in the corner of my eyes, burning me with each threat they pose as they tinker on the edge of my lashes. This isn’t closure, but maybe it is for Lawson. Regardless of how this ends, he’ll know everything and anything that I’ve felt but never expressed.
He’ll finally have his long goodbye.
So, I brace myself, inhale a breath and take my penalty.
“If I do this,” I start to say. “Make my death quick. Grant me at least one mercy.” I raise my gaze, waiting for her to look at me. “I deserve that if you’re going to do this to Lawson. I can’t do anythin’ from here; you made damn sure of that.” I look over the at the brute in the doorway. “The least you can do is make sure I don’t have to live with any more grief on my shoulders.”
“I’ll grant you that,” she relents quickly, crossing her arms over her chest. “But only once I’m done with you.”
I swallow that bitter pill and nod my head as I concede to her wishes.
“Better get writing,” she says, looking at the watch on her wrist. “You have two minutes until I’m leaving.” She lowers her arm down and lifts her hand to her head. “I can make you the bad guy all the more with this,” she says, grinning at me as she reveals the nasty gash on her head. “I only tried to help her, Lawson,” she starts, acting distraught. “She went crazy!”
I only listen, I don’t react.
I take a small blessing that this time I won’t have to see the full out of my leaving. I’m given Ashley the opportunity to make sure I never get to go home.
Looking at the white paper, I pick up the ballpoint pen, and poise and ready to write. I look up at Asley who only coerces me.
“Tick tock,” she mocks, hurrying me.
Looking back at the paper I start to bleed myself dry.
To my darling Lawson …
“We never cook,” I quip, leaning against the counter as I watch Nate chopping up peppers. “Tryin’ to impress Tess?”
He laughs, shaking his head. “No, I just thought we could do with somethin’ healthy in our diets.”
“You’re not goin’ soft on me, are you?!” I exclaim, acting with fact hurt. “Can’t have you chasin’ my sister if you are.”
“The chase is done, don’t you think?” he asks, looking at me out of the corner of his eyes. “Anyway … can’t blame a guy for wanting to impress his girl.”
“Or her brother,” I say, landing a hand on his shoulder.
“Or her brother,” he quips, rolling his eyes. Suddenly, he places the knife down, steadying himself before looking up at me. “It feels so pointless, though, Lawson.”
I cock a brow. “What does?”
“Everythin’,” he admits solemnly.
He looks up at me. Nate is the youngest by age, but sometimes he looks like the rest of us – aged beyond our years. He pays the most attention and usually is the one most hurt by what happens within The Firm.
“Since Liam died, it just seems a little pointless,” he discloses, hanging his head before he stands up
“We work for a guy who’s willin’ to strike off people who have only ever adhered to the rules of The Firm. Even when we ran with you, we ran with Leo, too. Liam was no different … except for the fact, he was more family than any of us will ever be.”
“But he wasn’t off limits.”
“My father doesn’t see his own blood as off limits,” I start, placing a hand on his shoulder, squeezin’ it reassuringly. “He chose Liam because he knew he would be the one that would rock me the most. I just don’t think he intended this turnaround.”
“What you fuckin’ two girls?” Nate asks the lighter tone of his voice allows me to laugh at his sarcasm. “You played them well.”
I roll my eyes again. “I’m not playin’ them well … I’m just letting them prove who’s more alpha.”
“Always gonna to be Eden,” Nate states, lifting the chopping board to put the peppers into the pan. “That was Liam’s prediction. I’m going to honor him and stick by that.”
“Ashley might be the surprise,” I state, joking back. “No disregard to Liam.” I go to add, but we hear the elevator starting to come up. “That must be them now,” I murmur, feeling a little uneasy at the time they’re spending together. “Finally.”
“I say they both have good timing,” Nate remarks jokingly.
“They probably smelt the good food!”
I walk off, leaving him to continue cooking as I make it to the hallway in time to hear the elevator door reach our floor and the door slide open. My smile grows, but I’m met with an empty elevator box.
Until I look down.
“Ashley!” I scream, running toward the elevator. “What the fuck happened?” I say, getting to her. I drop to her side, pulling her into my arms. “Where’s Eden?” I hear her mumble something, but don’t catch it. “What was that?”
“My pocket,” she whispers, her arms curling around my neck as I hear a soft sob emit from her. “Look in my pocket, Lawson.”
I carry her to the couch, lowering her gently onto it. I see Nate standing behind it looking in at the scene worryingly. Frazer soon joins him, having heard my cry of her name. I go to pull away, but she’s reluctant to let me go. I know why when she presses a creased up piece of folded paper into my hand.
“Read it,” she says, calming down.
Harrison passes a glass of water over the back of the couch to me and I immediately, hand it to Ashley, watching her gulp it down. She downs the entire glass, seemingly calmer.
“We’ll get you cleaned up,” I start to say and she shakes her head.
“No,” she tells me, defiance gaining strength in her voice. “Go and read that.” Her eyes water as she looks at my hand. “Please. “Eden gave me this,” she says, gulping back hard. “Before she hit me and left.”
I feel a darkness descend as bewilderment fights against me. “What do you mean … left?”
Ashley rolls her eyes as tears begin. “She’s gone, Lawson,” she admits with a soft tone. “She couldn’t handle it anymor
e, so she’s gone.”
“She can’t have,” I say, looking up at my men. The same pain that weakened me nearly a year ago threatens to destroy every step of progress I’ve made. “She wouldn’t have.”
Ashley tries to fight against her pain, pursing her lips as she looks upon the devastation falling on my face. But all at once her face crumples, her tears becoming thicker and faster. She unravels, and I have no idea why.
“Ashley …”
“Please, don’t hate me!” she sobs, covering her face. “There was nothing I could do! And I tried, but she told me it had nothing to do with me … she just couldn’t be here anymore when she knew she’d never win you back.”
I find it hard to find words, harder to swallow my pride. I could agree, tell Ashley I felt the same, but that’d be a lie. When Liam died, I wanted her to fight because I was all she had left. There was never going to be Liam between us to keep us tied. He was gone and now so was she.
“I don’t know what she wrote,” Ashley states, looking at the letter. “She had it already written in her bag. She knew what she was planning.”
“Boss, go read,” Frazer softly orders, giving me a reassuring smile. “We’ll clean Ashley up. Nate’s gone to grab the first-aid kit.”
“Go,” Ashley tells me, coercing me tenderly.
I listened, looking at the letter one last time before I stand. Heading through the house I go out onto the balcony, closing the doors softly behind me and I find the loneliness the only thing defeating me. My adrenaline is lost, and I have no reserve left to guard myself against the onslaught of my spiked emotions. Sliding down the wall just to the side of the patio doors, I just sit and stare at the paper. With shaking hands, I dare myself to unfold its truths. Slowly, I bate my breath, and force the paper edges apart, seeing broken pieces of Eden’s writing.
My eyes detect certain words, ones that send my heart bottoming before I’ve even started ready. I hastily spread it and read, unwilling to wait any longer.
To my darling Lawson,
Writing this isn’t easy, and I’m sure you’ll hate every word of it. I expect that. Believe me, I do.
In some way, I encourage it – it’ll help you.
Since coming back I know I’ve put you in a terrible predicament. I could see clearly that you were trying hard to make something of your life with someone else. I complicated that chance, and I didn’t care.
I didn’t care because while you’ve grown and moved on, I haven’t. I’m still the stupid girl that ran away from your proposal. I will forever be that girl.
I’m not running away because I’m scared. I’m running away because you deserve the chance to properly live without me haunting you. You spent so long waiting for me to come back just so we could get closure, but when I did finally come home, it was too late for that.
So, I’m shutting the proverbial door. Finally. And I know you’ll get annoyed that I’m taking the chance away from you all over again, but this is better. Before I left you alone to deal. This time you have hope. You have Ashley.
Leaving is the only thing I can think of to lessen the burden you’ll feel. I tried a number of times to let you go, to show you that I was willing to let Ashley be the one that helped you this time round, but you never let me go.
And that’s something I should have fought against.
I know that now.
I shouldn’t have listened to you when you wanted to hold onto me.
I should’ve never let you close enough to grab onto me, but I’m greedy. I needed to feel you even if for one last time in my life. Lawson, I needed to remember the love we shared, the passion we had, the excitement you brought to me.
I just needed something to get me through.
You called me your sweet venom once. You’re mine. One taste of you and I was yours for life, but I now see that’s not fair.
I don’t deserve you.
I knew the moment I left your apartment that night you proposed I was making a mistake, but I needed a little Dutch courage before I could come home and tell you why I hesitated. I need that before I could make you ask me again. That was my plan. I was coming home to you – to the place I wanted to be – but something bigger than either of us stopped me.
I now believe it was to make way for Ashley coming into your life.
But be wary.
She’s a dark horse, Lawson. Please, before handing your heart over to her know what you’re doing. You need to be sure that she’s worth the heartache.
I hope I’m the lesson you learn.
Especially as I won’t be back. There’s no reason for me to be here – I know you’ll handle everything. I can’t do what I need to alone and with her between us. I’m not strong enough for that, no matter what I try, I’m not the girl who could withstand any storm.
I’m just a girl fractured by love and unforgiven for life.
But know that I will always love you, but you deserve to be free of me.
Always and forever,
Your Eden.
XXX
And just like that another piece of me blackens.
I crumple the paper in my hand, squeezing it tightly as I put two closed fists against my head. I allowed her to get away for the second time. I let her blindsight me, charm me. I let her fucking bewitch me for her to pull the same fucking stunt again.
Feeling like a fool doesn’t come close to explaining how I feel inside.
Unashamedly, I let the loss I’m feeling rip through me, and a tear betrays me. I sniff hard, trying to stop an onslaught, but what’s the point? In the space of a few days, I’ve lost my best friend and the woman I love – because I do.
She was meant to fight. Callously, this was meant to be her chance to show me that the last year gone was pointless, and she would fight for to show me just how sorry she was. Instead, she’s repeated her actions.
It got too real for her, and she ran.
“I’m so sorry,” Ashley says, crouching beside me until she’s on her knees, inches away from me. “I tried my hardest,” she says, her voice sounding thick. “I thought I could maybe stop her, make her see sense that you’d choose her. I thought giving you to her would keep her from leaving.”
“I wasn’t the reason why she came home,” I admit, clenching my jaw tight. “Why would I expect her to stay?”
“But you were,” she tells me, reaching out to touch me, pulling my hands down from my face. “She might have said she had other reasons, but the reason she targeted me so much was that she was jealous. I threatened everything she stood for. I was the one that got in the way.” She hangs her head. “She told me that.”
“What?” I gasp, furrowing my brow. “She did want?”
“She blamed me,” Ashley admits, gulping again as her eyes turn glassy with tears. “I was trying to get her to see sense and stay, but she didn’t. Instead, she told me that I complicated everything because I pursued you. I got in between you and her.”
“There was no me and her when I met you,” I tell her, taking her hand. “What I felt for you was done so without Eden around. I fell for you because I needed to. You gave me somethin’ to feel apart from the emptiness she brought into my life. When she left she didn’t just leave; she took parts of me I didn’t think I could ever get back.”
“And now?” she asks, a cautious tone laced behind her words.
“You healed me,” I admit, giving her a small smile. “I got greedy. I let what she used to make me feel confused what you made me feel. I’m sorry for that, Ashley.” I feel ashamed of myself, allowin’ Eden to poison me so much. “She’s poison. I see that now.”
I gaze upon Ashley, barely cleaned up from her assault and my heart weakens its beat just looking at her.
“I’m so sorry she hurt you,” I say, unwilling to forgive myself for not protecting her. “I vowed to look after you.”
“No,” she starts, grinning shyly. “You said I had to look after myself … Eden caught me by surprise, but I’ll be sure to keep my e
yes peeled for anyone else who tries.”
“Good,” I soothe, trying to calm the storm in me. “I should’ve guessed it’d come down to a cowardly way out.” I sigh, shaking my head in shame. “She did it once, why did I think she’d never do it again?”
“Because you thought you knew her,” Ashley tells me, curling her fingers around my forearm, her touch comforting. “She’s just proof you can’t always know someone.” I let the anger burn, allowing it to swarm me. “I don’t want this,” I gripe, looking disdainfully at the letter. “This means absolutely nothing,” I say, holding the rolled-up paper. “Absolutely nothing.”
I unroll it, straightening it out and trace her lettering now it’s beaten with creases. I take in a deep inhale and move my hands, so my fingers meet at the top.
“Lawson,” she asks, but I commit to the first tear. “Don’t do that. Don’t do anything you’ll regret.”
I don’t stop, unable to now. I keep tearing at the paper, shredding it into smaller pieces until it’s nothing but a pile of waste paper.
“She didn’t want to fight for me,” I start to say, letting the pieces fall, catching in the light breeze. “I’m not going to fight for her anymore.”
Finally, I have what I’ve been seeking too long for … closure.
I watch him from the armchair.
He slept on the sofa all night, and I didn’t dare leave. I wanted him near, so I didn’t move. He drunk himself into a fine mess, and I stayed, allowing the silence to eat him alive because I knew come dawn he’d take his pain and he’d make it fuel him.
Eden was now another piece of him that hated the world.
Exactly how I wished it had always been.
Apparently, he just needed to love her again to hate her.
Which worked well for me. I finally felt like we truly connected last night. At that moment he let me comfort him, it felt like he trusted me.
Now, who’s the naïve fool?
Feeling my phone vibrate, I look over at Lawson, checking he’s still asleep before I pull it from under me.
It’s Tony.
This bitch is struggling. Like the fucking exorcist over here, ma’am.
Sweet Venom (Crazy in Love #1) Page 39
