There is so much of him I long for and while back I was granted pieces of it and I allowed myself to steal pieces for myself. I listened, watched, felt, lived every moment of him regardless of who was around because I knew this time wasn’t meant to be forever.
The worst part is not stopping myself from falling so unequivocally in love with him. After all, a longing heart isn't one that beats easily. It beats because it has to. It pounds with the hope that the emptiness it feels won't last forever.
All along I knew I would forever crave the beautiful beast that loved me but would never get to hold him like he was my own.
“Eden?” he says my name so delicately.
“I’m here,” I admit, forcing my eyes open. Only now do I realize how tired I’m becoming. “She made me write that letter. Twice she made me change it. I tried to let you know she was up to somethin’, but she wouldn’t allow it.”
“Okay,” he says, and I can hear him rubbing his jaw.
“At the same time, I was greedy, because I wanted to tell you absolutely everythin’ in my heart, but I couldn’t. There are some things I can’t tell you on paper.” I hiccup on a sob but lose the battle. “I don’t want to leave you this time, Lawson. That isn’t an option for me now. It was never an option before. This time I could never leave you.” I curl up tighter in the corner, sobbing softly down the phone. “I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, but loving you and letting you in was never one of them.” I shield my eyes as I cry so shamelessly. “I don’t want you to think I love you any less than I did. I only loved you more.”
“I don’t,” he replies, but I know I have to fight harder.
But now is not the time.
“You have to be careful,” I tell him, forcing myself to push through a new defiance. “She wants you dead, Lawson, so she can take your money and move onto the next man,” I admit, sobering up on my grief enough to be objective. “She told me that she was going to tell you Langdon had me, but then that would spoil her plan. He’s next on her list.” I pause to close my eyes as I start to feel weird again. “She’s goi-”
I stop as my nausea resurfaces, forcing me to slow my breathing to help the moment pass, but it doesn’t work. I twist, rolling out from my spot until I’m on my hands and knees heaving. I vomit what little is left in my stomach and twist back into the corner.
“Eden,” I hear him say, while his tone is kept quiet, the alarm is there.
Shakily, I bring the cell phone back to my ear. “She took my pills” I confess ashamedly. “She’s forcin’ me to go cold turkey,” I say, tears fall and so does my moral. It doesn’t matter that there are some scattered around, my vision can’t focus enough to make out the difference between stones and pills. “I think this could kill me,” I tell him and let another sob unroll from me. “I fought so hard, Lawson, but this is going to be the death of me.”
“No,” he says, his voice stolen by the whisper that emits from him. “No, it’s not. You’re going to be okay.”
“I never said it before, but I will now,” I break into his tirade. “I’m an addict, Lawson,” I admit, my voice tender and stolen by my confession. While he knew why I took the pills, he never knew the lengths I’d go to to get a fix. “Those tablets helped kill the pain … every bit of pain. They left me numb, and they helped me survive every day. They’ve helped me deal with comin’ home. Without them, I’m nothing.”
“That’s not true,” he admonishes.
“It is,” I defy, not even pushing my voice. “Without you, I’m no one. Without the pills, I’m nothin’.” I allow the saddest melody of laughter to fall from me. “And here I am, begging you to come and save me. When I know you have every right to decline doing just that.”
I hear his breathing change, and I rest my head against the cold stone wall of the warehouse.
“I’m yours, Lawson Matthews. I always was, and I forever will be.” I suck in a difficult breath. “And I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but please save me. Please, save me.”
I hear nothing; he says absolutely nothing until I hear one lone staccato breath.
“Please, come and save me,” I utter one last time.
“I have to go,” he suddenly says, and the call shuts off.
In shock, the cell phone drops from my hand, and I feel myself give up entirely.
I’ll die here stone cold sober, broken-hearted with blood on my hands.
How it should have been a year before.
“Hey,” Ashley calls out to me. “It’s a little early for that.”
I keep my eyes fixed on the bottle of whiskey, hearing Eden’s sobs warp every thought in my mind.
“Hey,” she says, a hand coming to touch my shoulder. I jump, and she removes her hand, coming to stand in front of me. “I thought you heard me.”
“I-I did,” I say, screwing my face up, running a hand it as I relax back. “You know my father is really startin’ to fuck with me.” My lie comes easily, fortified with years of lying to people and covering up all manner of offenses. “I just need somethin’ to help.”
“Whiskey isn’t going to,” she says, settling onto the glass top of the table, wrapping her hand around the neck of the bottle to lift it. “Oft!” she says reading the label, shaking her head. “With that age, too, I wouldn’t be wasting on anyone like your father.”
“What should I waste it on then?” I ask, leaning forward, clasping my cell into my hand, keeping the screen into my palm for fear of Eden calling again. “What would be worth it?”
“Victories,” she simply replies, a small smile growing onto her pale lips. “Save it for those moments that fill your heart so much you think it’s going to explode.” I can’t believe Eden when I watch Ashley like this. She’s such a naïve dreamer that I can’t fathom her being cruel enough to kidnap Eden. “Save for the good days.” She looks at me, calm and collected as she sets the bottle back down. “Don’t drown out the bad days with the good stuff.”
“I only like the good stuff,” I rebuke, settling back, putting my arm out across the back of the outdoor couch.
“We need to change your tastes,” she remarks, smirking. “I mean you went from liking blonds to loving brunettes,” she disputes with a cheeky wink. “Imagine what else I could get you liking, Mr. Matthews.”
I laugh, feeling it’s not quite as believable.
“He’s really got you all tied up, huh?” she asks, clearly noticing. “What will be will be. Your father will get his comeuppance. As will Langdon.”
“And Eden?” I probe, cocking a brow.
“She deserves whatever she’s due,” Ashley tells me, unable to look at me. “She deserves to pay, and you deserve the retribution.”
“She’s paid enough,” I state, bitterly remembering that scar burnt into her back.
“Someone like Eden has never paid enough.” I watch a darkness rise in her as her voice becomes lower in its tone. “She will walk this earth believing she can do as she so pleases. I now know the power people like you and her hold and while you’ve atoned … she hasn’t even started.”
“If you had it your way, what would you do to her?”
“I’d dry her out,” Ashley states, immediately the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. “I’d force her to go without the things she loves most … you and those drugs.”
I train my face to not react, but my mouth dries. Eden said she was being forced to go without her drugs. Exactly how Ashley would do it.
“I’d watch her suffer through withdrawal, away from anything that offers any comfort to her.” Her eyes become hooded as she gazes up at me. “I’d give her no reason to survive it, Lawson. I’d want to see if she has anything left in her to survive for.”
“And if she doesn’t?” I ask, trying to drop the hesitancy from my voice.
I realize quickly, Ashley isn’t telling me what she would do she’s reliving what she already has done.
“Then the world is free of another low-life junkie,” she says, s
hrugging. “What good is she doing anymore, Lawson?” she asks, tilting her head as she waits. “She’s jobless and homeless from the sounds of things. She has no purpose. She’s manipulated you, tried her hardest to drag you away from me. She came back and tried to take her place back in The Firm and by your side. She didn’t even think for a second it was gone.”
“That’s a lie,” I can’t stop myself from arguing back. “She knew it was never that easy. She built up a façade, Ashley. She lived behind it, and you helped her to.” I shift, sitting up so I can sit on the edge of my seat. “You scared her. You gave her a reason to fight because it came from a place of jealousy. You had the power to make her strong.”
“And I have the power to make her weak,” Ashley states confidently. “Why else would she have run?” She shrugs, crossing a leg over the other. “If she loved you that much, some poor little new girl wouldn’t stop her going after what she wanted unless I threatened absolutely everything she stood for. If I threatened to win you, she would leave rather than admit defeat because she doesn’t do that easily.”
I know that’s a lie. In the short time, Eden’s come back, I’ve seen her willingly concede to Ashley without her knowing, but it was me that kept her here each and every time.
I can’t bear to sit here any longer. Ashley’s comment about drying Eden out has me wanting to see if it’s true. I can’t sit here and speculate, I need out of this apartment, and I need to know the whole truth.
“Right,” I start, slapping hands against my thighs as if to assert a sense of business. “I have business to attend with my father.”
“Now?” she gasps.
“Well,” I say, stopping to look at the watch on my wrist. “He wants me there by eleven. So, basically now, yeah.””
I get up, grabbing the bottle of whiskey and take it back inside with me. I dump it on the nearest surface and walk toward where Tess is.
“Guys!” I shout out wanting the others to come in here. “We have a job!” They’re quick to rush into the room, and I bark my orders. “Nate, stay here with the girls. Do not let anyone near either and don’t let them out of your sight.”
“Lawson?” Tess asks, standing up. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know,” I admit, running a hand through my hair. “Dad is up to somethin’, and he’s puttin’ a little fire on us all,” I lie, meeting her eyes hoping she’ll understand trusting. “He’s threatenin’ everyone near to me, so he wants to meet.”
“Then let us come,” Ashley says, coming to my side. “We’re safer together.”
I take her hand, playing the part of a doting man. “I couldn’t bear the thought of you getting hurt. You’re safer here.”
“We’re sitting ducks!” Ashley argues, Tess agreeing with her.
“No,” I say, breathing the word. “I would never allow anythin’ to happen to you while you’re here.” I take her other hand and use the moment to draw her in close. Slowly, I bring my lips down against her forehead, kissing her tenderly as I say a little prayer – not for those in this apartment, but for Eden. “I’ll be back,” I say, putting my forehead against her. “And we’ll finish this … then you won’t ever have to worry. Okay?”
“Okay,” she replies, weak against me.
First I lift my head away from hers, then let go of her hands one by one. When I turn away from her, it’s to advance for my sister. I kiss her cheek and leave her in the safe hands of Nate. When I walk away, heading to the hallway leading to the elevator, I finally feel like the man I used to be – the one who fought for Eden and with Eden.
While Ashley brought me alive, Eden set me on fire. I thought I could live with that, love the woman that could will a broken heart to beat, but I realize now it was never a forever state to believe in. I was never going to have that for life, but by saving Eden, I had a second chance to indulge in love and life.
I just had to save her first.
“Harrison and Frazer, you’re with me,” I call out, marching toward the elevator.
By the time the elevator doors open, they’re by my side, Harrison with the car keys, neither asking any questions. I step in, they follow, and I turn to hit the button for the basement. When I look up, I take one last swift glance at Ashley as the doors start to shut, making sure she remembers the look on my face.
The one she thinks means I’m going to fight for her.
“Where are we goin’, Lawson?” Harrison asks after driving wherever I tell him to. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know it’s not my job to argue, but I will stop this car if you don’t tell me where the hell we’re going.”
I pause, trying to wonder if I should tell him or keep it to myself.
“Lawson,” Frazer starts from the backseat. “What are we dealin’ with here?” he asks. “Is it your father? Langdon?”
“Eden,” I say, no inflection hits my tone.
“Eden?” they both ask at once.
“I thought she flew the coop?” Frazer asks, sitting up as he realizes we aren’t running around for some silly job. “Why are we dealin’ with her?”
“Harrison, head to the warehouse Liam was killed in,” I regrettably say, looking at him from across the car. “Eden is there.”
“Boss,” he says, and I know why he’s so reluctant.
Liam died there. It was the day our worlds all spun out of control.
“I’ll explain,” I reply. “Just please, get us there as soon as possible without getting’ us stopped by any cops.”
“On it,” he agrees, indicating ready to pull off the main road and head toward the warehouse the quickest route he knows.
I bide my time, counting my breaths as I struggle to find the best way to tell them what’s been happening right under our noses. We were duped by a pretty brunette – it’s not one The Firm will be proud of.
“Ashley kidnapped Eden.” I swallow hard against that truth, both of them stunned into silence. “I didn’t believe it at first until Ashley said somethin’ about Eden.”
“That’s why you forced her to stay at the apartment?” Harrison asks, his hand going white-knuckled around the steering wheel. “That’s why you got us out?”
“Yeah,” I admit, feeling shame riding close to my rage. “And if she trusts me, she’ll stay there,” I grouse, finding the idea of this all making me angrier than I thought possible. I clench and unclench my fist. “I said it was my dad to get us out of the loft.”
“Is Eden okay?” Frazer asks, not commenting on anything else.
I lower my head, shaking it with shame. “I don’t entirely know. She didn’t tell me much apart from Ashley hit her with the vase of peonies from the kitchen and she took her pills.”
“She’s taking Vicodin, though,” Frazer states, taking his seatbelt off to come forward in the car. “We’ve all seen her down them on a regular basis.”
“More than regular basis,” Harrison argues, correcting Frazer with the same dire tone. “She can’t do that sort of thing alone. She can’t go straight off them without help.”
“Ashley doesn’t care about that,” I gripe, finding myself getting more and more irate. “I knew she was sick. She threw up with me on the phone. Ashley made her write that letter to me. She made me believe Eden had taken off again because she couldn’t cope with it all.”
“I won’t lie, I did think that was very unlike Eden,” Harrison professes, rolling his hands around the steering wheel with agitation. “She came back with too much of a bang to then roll over.”
“She’s not the same Eden,” I state, objecting to the fact.
“You’re right she isn’t,” Harrison agrees, looking at me before looking back at the road. “She has a lot more feelings.”
I swallow the reality of the girl Eden’s become, and he’s right. She never begged mercy from any man before, but she fought my father to stop him showing me her scar because she didn’t want me to see it that way. She didn’t want me to suffer at the sight of it. She didn’t want any of us to have to se
e what happened.
She was willing to take that to the grave with her if she had it her way.
“I feel like such a fool,” I admit, rubbing my forehead as a headache threatens behind my eyes. “I was so willin’ to find a replacement for Eden that when Ashley presented herself, I let her in. Regardless of anyone warnin’ me otherwise.”
“You were allowed to fill that void,” Frazer sympathizes with me. “It had been too long since we watched you play for fun. Ashley did bring that out in you.”
“And for what?” I ask, twisting in my seat to look at Frazer. “Ashley doesn’t give a shit about me. She fuckin’ wants my money.” I watch him become ashen faced. “Eden told me what Ashley’s plan is with us all.”
“The contract,” Harrison starts.
“Is a fuckin’ lie,” I finish his sentence and listen as the shock registers. “She had it so covered up that even Seamus couldn’t find the truth.”
“Who are we dealin’ with here, Boss?” Harrison asks, and for once I can’t reply. “And do we involve your father?”
“No,” I quickly tell him, defying that notion before it can be born. “We deal with this until we know what we’re dealin’ with exactly. Before my father is brought into this, I want Eden safe and away from Ashley.”
“And she can’t get out of the warehouse because?” Frazer asks, unable to see the issue.
“Stop,” I order Harrison, placing a hand on the wheel. I point up the dirt track at the men hovering around. “That’s why,” I say with a grave tone. “Park us out of view. I want to watch them before we strike.”
“On it,” Harrison agrees, pushing the car into first gear and powering us around the building, parking the car up where we had before. “They look official.”
“Means nothin’,” I say, looking between my men as they sit casually dressed. “They may look official, but do they fight like men?” I ask, almost smugly as I know what these two men are capable of. “I can’t sit here,” I say, reach for the door handle. “I have to get to her.”
Sweet Venom (Crazy in Love #1) Page 42
