by Nigel Benn
I had another affair. My last, as it turned out. It was such a stupid thing to do, and I found myself in the same old situation, hurting all the people who are close to me, the people who love me — my wife, my kids, my parents. Everybody who had helped me not only through my career, but through my life as well. It was such a terrible time. I found myself taking a step back and saying to myself, ‘Wow, when am I actually going to grow up?’
Now that you’ve read my book, you’ll know that my life has been a story of ups and downs, but I can tell you that this was the very lowest I’d ever been. So low that I actually tried to commit suicide.
I felt like fate was tempting me. I felt like it was saying, ‘Go on, then. See if you can do it.’ And so I did. I was that low. I was out on Streatham Common, in the car — in fact, I think it was Carolyne’s car — crying my eyes out. I took a bottle of sleeping tablets and drank a bottle of wine. Picture it: the Dark Destroyer, alone in his car on Streatham Common. All around, there’s guys picking each other up, and meanwhile there’s me — two-time champion of the world, sitting in my car in tears, not knowing if I was going to live or die. When you’re in a situation like that, it makes you realise how low you’ve got. I remember driving home — four miles, I don’t know how I did it — wondering if I was going to pull through, and genuinely not being too worried if I didn’t. I didn’t contemplate going to hospital, I just went home and fell into a deep, deep sleep.
It took me two days to wake up. I’d tried to commit suicide, but miraculously I survived. Somehow, it wasn’t meant to be. I think now that someone was trying to tell me something and, when I look back, I think that moment was a real turning point in my life. I’m not saying I suddenly woke from the dead and felt great — I felt shitty — but I can safely say that that’s when my life started changing.
Carolyne started going to church, because she knew that we were in serious, serious trouble, and that was the turning point for us. She started reading the Bible to me, and I was like a dog with its tail between its legs, just sitting there, listening, like I was listening to my master reading to me. All the time, I felt the guilt of my actions rising up in me, and I felt so low. I wanted to make it up to my wife, but I just didn’t know how to do it. I was thinking to myself, If this is life, I don’t want no part of it. It seemed to me that my life was following one pattern; you have affairs, you’re unhappy, and then you die. That’s it! I’d been hurting people all my life, people I love, and I just thought, No, I don’t want any part of it.
So when Carolyne started going to church and reading the Bible to me, I started thinking about things more seriously. I was never a church kind of person — sure, I’d say ‘Thank God’ and everything, but I never really knew what I was saying, never really knew what it actually meant. But I’m a really inquisitive person, and eventually I started getting into it. I’m fascinated about learning how everything started, and what it means to be a human being — how we see, how we hear, how we move, how we breathe. If you come round my house and catch me watching TV, chances are I’ll be watching the Discovery channel, learning about history. I love stuff like that — it’s always interested me.
So I started reading the Bible for myself, because I wanted to learn about where we came from. I learned that God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul. It was such a powerful story, I just thought, Nige, you gotta check this out! So I read on. I read how Adam needed a companion, so God put him in a deep sleep and removed one of his ribs, and from that he made woman.
So I started to learn how to pray, and eventually I went to church. In fact, I went to three different churches. One was predominantly black, another was predominantly white but, in the end, I found a church — the Heart to Heart in Brixton — that had a mixture. At the end of the day, I like to be surrounded by all cultures, so that was where I felt most comfortable and, after all, the Lord told us to love one another. As soon as I walked in there, I was greeted with a hug. It was nice — straight away I knew it was the church for me.
Not long after I started going to church, something happened that made me understand how it had changed me. It was about a year ago now, and this friend of mine came round the house to see me. Now, he’d seen how I’d been transformed — everyone had seen how I’d been transformed! — and he said to me, ‘Nige, with you being a Christian and everything, if someone jumped over your wall and broke into your house, what would you do to them?’
Now you’ve got to remember, I’m a Christian, but I’m not a fully-fledged Christian! Old habits die hard, so I said to him, ‘If someone jumped over my wall, I’d kick ’em in the arse and send them on their way.’ And at the time, I meant it. I wouldn’t have anyone threatening the safety of my family.
This conversation happened at exactly 4.30 in the afternoon. Now, at exactly 4.30 the following morning, someone rings my bell. If someone rings my doorbell at 4.30am, I’m not one of those guys that’s all sleepy, thinking, Hmm, I wonder who that could be. I am UP! Ready to go into action. So I go into the garden and this bloke is there, saying, ‘Come on, you black c***. Knock me out!’ And he’s jumped over my wall at exactly 4.30 in the morning.
I couldn’t believe it. I thought, Why do you want to start fighting me? You know I can fight. Why me, Mr Little Man? And then he starts hurling abuse at my wife. So I grabbed his arm, forced it behind his back, and had him on the floor in seconds. All the time he was hurling abuse at my wife and kids, but I didn’t hear any of that. I actually picked him up and started squeezing him, to stop the screaming.
At that moment, I could have killed him. I could have killed him right there and then. I took everything away from him so that he couldn’t breathe. But then I let him go. Maybe if it had happened a year earlier, he wouldn’t have been so lucky. If I hadn’t been a Christian, he might not be alive today. But the bottom line was, I felt compassion for him, and my compassion was stronger than my anger. And Carolyne felt compassion for him, too — not at the time, maybe, but later. That was what saved him. It was a test.
The worst thing about the whole incident was this — I knew the kid. I knew him very well. When I first knew him, he was a lovely kid. We’d talk, and I’d sign his boxing gloves or anything else that he wanted. But when he broke in that night, he was high on drugs. He was a mess. Most probably one of his friends had said to him, ‘Go on, you can go and beat the black bastard.’ And he really thought he could come and beat me up. Look where it got him. I’ve heard that he’s in a mental hospital now.
A lot of people believe that Satan can hear what you say, but he can’t read your mind. That’s what I believe. At 4.30 in the afternoon, he’d heard me say that I’d go for someone who tried to jump over my wall, and at 4.30 the next morning he sent someone to tempt me. And it makes sense if you think about it. For 35 years, me and Satan were best buddies! He knows what my weaknesses are — fighting and women — so all of a sudden he sees me going in a different direction and he’s like, Oy, where do you think you’re going? You didn’t think I was going to let you go that easily, did you? And it’s true, he’s not going to let me go that easy, but I’m going to fight him all the way. And fighting is something I’m very, very good at …
Nowadays, people may say, ‘Hey, Nige, you’re going over the top.’ But when you believe in the Lord, your whole outlook on life changes. For example, I’ve started thinking about the press and how they tried to ruin me. But at the end of the day I think to myself, Don’t blame the press. I gave them the ammunition. If I’d lived by the ten commandments, I’d never have been in that situation in the first place. I feel now that I don’t have any grievances against the papers, because I know they’re only out to make a few quid. And I’m hardly one to talk about hurting people. If everyone lived by God’s law, we’d have none of that. I really believe that you get what you deserve, and although we’re always quick to blame other people, we should really look at our own actions. That’s wha
t I’ve started to do, and when I think about it, I realise that, even when I was considering suicide, all I’ve done is pure destruction.
A lot of people act funny when they see the new me, because they can’t really comprehend what I believe. But I can’t pretend for them. I can honestly say that I’d rather be a fake boxer — a fake anything — than a fake Christian. What I’ve learned in the past year has been tremendous. I now surround myself with Christian people. It’s important to me, because I think you need to feed your spirit, and being surrounded by all these lovely people just rubs off on me. They don’t want anything from me; they only want to guide me in the right direction. When you have people around you that don’t follow God’s word, it’s kind of hard for you to follow that path yourself.
Now that I’ve found the Lord, I don’t really have any non-Christian friends. In fact, the only ones I’ve got are Wayne and Rob. They’ve known me for years, and I know that they won’t lead me into temptation like some others I could mention.
Now I have these huge Christian parties at my house — unbelievable parties, with gospel choirs singing and people cooking amazing food in my kitchen. I’ll never throw a non-Christian party again — they’re absolutely kicking. One time, soemone found a diamond ring during one of these parties, and just went up to the mike and announced that it had been found. Now, at any other party I’d been to, there’d be someone thinking, Yeah, I could make a few quid flogging that. But not now. I’ll tell you, compared to Christians, non-Christians are hard work!
One of the people I most admire is the pastor at my new church — Pastor Miller and his wife Shirley. I can relate to him, because he’s very like me. He lived a hard life, but he found the Lord at the age of 22, and he has to deal with everybody. Horrible people — we’re talking rapists and stuff — who I could never even go near. I don’t know how he can do all that stuff. He’s a real man. One of the things he’s taught me is that a lot of people go to church and have their bibles and look nice, and that’s great. But there’s no point going to church unless you truly believe, and that’s how I feel now.
He’s even inspired me to become a Christian counsellor. I’ve just started learning, and I think I’ll be great at it, because I love to help people. I love to see the smile on their faces. It’s a million miles from where I was a few years ago.
For years I’ve suffered from arthritis in my hands and my legs as a result of my boxing. It’s especially bad when I wake up in the winter and the weather is really bleak — my hands are so cramped up that I can hardly move them sometimes. And Carolyne has had back trouble ever since she had the twins — she’s very petite, and when she was pregnant it put a lot of stress on her back and she was in a great deal of pain. So she went to see this healer, and he fixed her back! She couldn’t believe it. She hasn’t had any trouble ever since. So I went to my pastor and I asked him, ‘Look, couldn’t you get this guy down here to help with my arthritis?’
The pastor told me, ‘Nigel, if you pray to the Lord with your wife and me, we can do it.’ At first I was worried about this. I thought, maybe the Lord has given this man the power to heal people. But my pastor told me, if I had faith, it would work. I didn’t think so! Still, I tried it, and guess what — the arthritis disappeared for two months. But once I started doing my counselling, I found I wasn’t reading the Bible enough, or praying — so it started to come back. I know that I have to fill my body with God’s words to truly heal it.
And the Lord’s even got me talking to my ex-wife! I feel good about that. It all happened when we went to watch Rene’s gymnastics. The kids all wanted me to speak to their mum, but when we got there, the first person I saw was her husband Clem. Now, Clem’s a big bloke, and whenever we see each other, we always look like we’re on the verge of going for each other. But when I saw him this time, he just gave me this really big smile. I headed straight over to him and we ended up talking for two hours! It was amazing. Two hours talking to the guy who was once my biggest enemy. And there wasn’t even a tiny bit of animosity. It was relaxed, no pressure, him telling me all about his work and everything. And then I went over to my ex-wife, and said, ‘Hello, Sharron,’ and I felt really weird shaking her hand. I actually asked her for forgiveness for the things I’d done. She said she’d forgive, but she’d never forget. Well, OK. I know I’ve got a long way to go, but I’m just happy to be able to try and repair the bridges that I’ve damaged.
So we still speak — not regularly, but if the kids have got a problem, I want to know. I don’t want them living this perfect life when they’re with me, only to go and be disobedient to their mother. But the new twist my life has taken has been good for them, too. Sadé came home with her school report, and she had 6 As, 26 Bs and 3 Cs. That’s my daughter Sadé! I can’t tell you what it meant to me — how proud it made me feel. That’s the best academic report in the history of the whole Benn family! I was like, ‘What? You weren’t getting these grades two years ago.’ I took her out and bought her anything she wanted. Her success at school made me so happy.
Connor and India will be starting school soon — what me and Carolyne are going to do at home by ourselves, I don’t know! Dominic’s doing well, too — we’re still battling it out at the Playstation.
And, of course, there’s still Carolyne. We are such soul mates — more so now since we’ve been going to church. Sure, we argue. But what people forget is that we’re with each other 24 hours a day, so there might be a bit of, ‘Oh, give me a break, will you?’ But at the end of the day we love each other tremendously. No one will ever take her place. I trust her with my life. She does everything right for me, and she’s made me who I am today with the help of the Lord.
So now things are working out all right. I’ve got Carolyne, I’ve got the kids, I’ve got the church, and I’ve still got my music — there’s a new management company behind me. I’m training my two cousins in the boxing ring and Frank Warren’s promoting them. Things have all changed.
This Christmas just past was unbelievable. The kids had never seen snow before, so when it did snow, India said, ‘Thank you, Daddy.’ She thinks if anything good happens, it’s down to her Daddy! So we went down to the park with this plastic sledge and we had a whale of a time. We went the day before Christmas and on Boxing Day, and spent two or three hours there both days. It was such fun.
Who’d have thought it? The Dark Destroyer, spending hours playing in the snow with his wife and kids. I treasure moments like that, because it’s something I never did before. We’ve got it all on tape, and we love watching it all, having fun together as a family. It’s a long way from the blood and sweat of my fighting career. A long way from the violence, the women, the money and the partying. And you know what? I wouldn’t change it for the world …
In many ways, I’m still the same Nigel — my life is far from being perfect. I’m much more relaxed, more contented and humble. There are still some issues that need to be solved, but going to church puts my life closer to what I want it to be.
Believe in the Lord. If Nigel Benn can, then so can you. Thank God!
BOXING RECORD
Nigel Gregory Benn
Super-Middleweight
Born 22 January 1964 in Ilford
West Ham ABC
Amateur: 1986 London and ABA middleweight champion
Professional
1987
Jun 28 Graeme Ahmed W rsf 2 Croydon
Mar 4 Kevin Roper W rsf 1 Basildon
Apr 22 Bob Nieuwenhuizen W rsf 1 Albert Hall
May 9 Winston Burnett W rsf 4 Battersea
Jun 17 Reginald Marks W rsf 1 Albert Hall
Jul 1 Leon Morris W ko 1 Albert Hall
Aug 9 Eddie Smith W ko 1 Windsor
Sep 16 Winston Burnett W rsf 3 Albert Hall
Oct 18 Russell Barke W rsf 1 Windsor
Nov 3 Ronnie Yeo W rsf 1 Bethnal Green
Nov 24 Ian Chantler W ko 1 Wisbech
Dec 2 Reggie Miller W ko 7 Albert Hall
&nbs
p; 1988
Jan 27 Fermin Cirinos W ko 2 Bethnal Green
Feb 7 Byron Prince W rsf 2 Stafford
Feb 24 Greg Taylor W rsf 2 Abervanon
Mar 14 Darren Hobson W ko 1 Norwich
Apr 20 Abdul Umaru Sanda W rsf 2 Muswell Hill
May 28 Tim Williams W rsf 2 Albert Hall
Oct 26 Anthony Logan W ko 2 Albert Hall
Dec 10 David Noel W rsf 1 Crystal Palace
1989
Feb 8 Mike Chilambe W ko 1 Albert Hall
Mar 28 Mbayo Wa Mbayo W ko 2 Glasgow
May 21 Michael Watson L ko 6 Finsbury Park
Oct 20 Jorge Amparo W pts 10 Atlantic City
Dec l Jose Quinones W rsf 1 Las Vegas
1990
Jan 14 Sanderline Williams W pts 10 Atlantic City
Apr 29 Doug De Witt W rsf 8 Atlantic City
Aug 18 Iran Barkley W rsf 1 Las Vegas
Nov 18 Chris Eubank L rsf 9 Birmingham
1991
Apr 3 Robbie Sims W rsf 7 Bethnal Green
Jul 3 Kid Milo W rsf 4 Brentwood
Oct 26 Lenzie Morgan W pts 10 Brentwood
Dec 7 Hector Lescano W ko 3 Manchester
1992
Feb 19 Dan Sherry W rsf 3 Muswell Hill
May 23 Sugarboy Malinga W pts 10 Birmingham
Oct 3 Mauro Galvano W rsf 3 Marino
Dec 12 Nicky Piper W rsf 11 Muswell Hill
1993
Mar 6 Mauro Galvano W pts 12 Glasgow
Jun 26 Lou Gent W rsf 4 Olympia
Oct 9 Chris Eubank DREW 12 Manchester
1994
Feb 26 Henry Wharton W pts 12 Earls Court
Sep 10 Juan Giminez W pts 12 Birmingham
