by C. M. Owens
He put his hands around my waist and pulled me close to him. But the close proximity confused things, and I started focusing on not thinking anything at all about my attraction to him.
I was worried Amelia would accidentally project my feelings onto him, and the last time we were together, everything ended in disaster. He would read too much into it, just like he did then, and he'd link up to me once more. I didn't want to complicate things again.
He leaned back to look into my eyes, probably feeling the freaking angst that was becoming tangible, and quite possibly materializing over my skin.
He sighed as he said, "I know you love him, but you can't be with him. You have to quit torturing yourself. You're far too special to spend so much time in pain."
Obviously Amelia was projecting my emotions onto Jared. Now he was going to have to ride my emotional roller coaster too, it seemed. "I know, but I can't help it. I wish… I don't know what I wish."
Jared grimaced as though something painful had just happened. "You wish you could have feelings for me the way you do for him, because it would make it easier on you. I can't even get a kiss, but he almost kills you with his. I don't get it either. Maybe I should've played harder to get."
He nudged me playfully, doing what he could to lighten the mood.
I just shook my head. "That's not it and you know it. I care about you—a lot, and I think you're amazing. But I love him. I can't explain how strongly I love him."
His flirtatious wink brought a shade of light blush to my cheeks.
"You forgot to add sexy to the list of ways you would describe me." Then he frowned before speaking again. "Listen, I don't want to waste my time here talking about him. I've got to get back on the road in a few days. I thought I'd stay here if that wouldn't be too uncomfortable for you."
I threw my arms back around his waist and pressed my cheek to his chest. "It wouldn't be uncomfortable at all. I'm just so glad you're okay. I wish you had called."
I heard his harsh breath as his arms tightened around me. "I really wanted to, but I didn't know what to say. I was going to send a card or a note, but there's not too many good ways to apologize for being a complete ass. Then I heard about what happened and suddenly it didn't matter anymore. All of my pain was replaced with hope. You may love him, but you can't be with him. I have a feeling, though, that you could be with me. At least until you transform. Even one day would be enough for me."
I felt my body go stiff as his flattery stirred my guilt. What was I doing? Was it my fault that he felt this way? What was I doing wrong?
"I don't know why it happened. No one can explain it to me. When Henry kissed me, I didn't burst into flames. So I—"
He flashed a mean look over to Henry while interrupting me with an angry tone. "You kissed Henry? You have got to be kidding me!"
He started to pull away, his eyes trained on an oblivious Henry, but I stopped him, stifling a laugh in the process.
"It wasn't like that. The hyenas were running their mouths about me and Tallis. They were saying some pretty cruel things, and Henry kissed me to shut them up. It worked for the most part. We didn't kiss because of any romantic feelings, I promise. I would have kissed you before I kissed him, I swear."
I quickly realized that was the wrong thing to say, because he pulled my face to his and his lips came down on mine before I could even process what was going on. It was definitely powerful, and like an idiot starving for air, I enjoyed everything he was giving me. But when his tongue swept in, Tallis's face flashed through my mind, and a guilty flurry of emotions attacked me without mercy.
I pulled back, putting my hand against his chest to keep some separation between us. "Jared, I can't."
He sighed long and hard before running his hand through his hair. "I can tell you want to, though. There is no one and nothing stopping you. I wish you would just wake up and see what's really going on. I'm here, and you can have me right now."
I wiped a tear from my eye as it fell. I was ruining everything I touched lately, and Jared was in my path somehow.
"I can't help it. I still love him. I love you, too, but in a different way. I can't be with you this way."
He winced and then turned away. I heard him take a deep breath before he turned back around me. The last time we had this conversation, he stormed off and didn't speak to me for several months. Dread mounted me and made me it's play toy while I waited on him to say something.
"Well, I don't give up that easily. And I don't run away from anything that I want. I'm a lot different from him."
Relief washed through me—well, somewhat. I decided not to mention he ran away like he was on fire the last time we talked about this. It felt good to be wanted, desired even, and I leaned into him.
"I really don't know that I want you to give up. But that's completely selfish of me," I murmured quietly.
I felt his smile without seeing it. "Selfish or not, I'll take it."
I shook my head, wishing he'd wise up and find someone worthy of him.
We sat down and just watched everyone else. I snuggled closer to him, letting his warm arms bring me peace and comfort.
We didn't speak again, because it was easier to just stay quiet. After a while, the party fizzled out finally and everyone went home. Jared was staying on the second floor again. I curled up in my bed and cried myself to sleep silently. Thoughts of Tallis plagued my mind, and my heart warred with what to do.
I hate the sun more everyday, I thought as the stupid golden rays denied me a late morning. Instead, I was forced to get up early. I needed dark curtains. And I'd be getting some soon.
I looked outside to see my siblings and their soul mates sparring. They were practicing and preparing for a fight I wouldn't be a part of.
I laughed when no one wanted to go against Ayla. She shrugged, though her smug smile told her secret. She enjoyed their fear, and she loved being able to feel it.
Ayla was certainly the most dangerous because of her power. Tallis had explained to me how different from draining it was. He said when you're drained, your thoughts are gone as well as your memories, but your emotions are intact, and you can be healed. Ayla's magic pulls your emotions out; you feel absolutely nothing, no desire at all to be alive, and you become a prisoner inside a void that leaves you numb. It took them a year to heal the one girl that she had accidentally hurt, and that was when her magic was weaker. Of course Ayla would never do that to any of my family, but no one was brave enough to risk it all the same.
I went outside to join them, and Ash quickly took my side. Her perky upbeat tone was in full effect. "How is eighteen?"
"It's nice." I waved with Ash as Desmond left, and he waved back, though he seemed... off.
"Where's he going?" I asked, confused.
"He has something special planned for me later. He won't give me any hints though. I assume it's a real date. We haven't exactly done that yet. We've been distracted with preparation. I'll meet up with him later."
Her eyes were glistening with excitement. There was something so different about her these days. She had always been perky and happy, but now it was more than that—she was glowing.
"Oh. That's great," I said with a smile.
I hugged her, holding her to me and wishing some of her ecstasy would transfer on to me. As I pulled back, I said, "I know the two of you will be happy together."
"Aria, I'm sure he'll come back soon."
I wasn't expecting her to say that. I didn't want to talk about Tallis, but the filter on my mouth apparently needed to be replaced when it all started pouring out.
"Ash, do you think it's possible that I'm right? Do you think we're soul mates? Or do you think we're just linked like he says?"
I felt tears prick my eyes, but I took a deep breath and held them back as I awaited her response. I wanted her honesty, and if I started crying, she'd never give it to me.
"I don't know, Aria. I wouldn't have thought it impossible a year or two ago, but now I don't know.
Jay is with Ayla and I'm with Desmond. The Verdans seem to fit well with us. I can't be sure. But at the same time... Aria, he shouldn't be toxic to you if it's meant to be." Her words echoed my own hidden thoughts, and I fought back the tears. He wouldn't be toxic if he was meant for me.
Ash looked at her watch before sympathetically returning her gaze to me. "I have to go for now. But I'll call you later, okay?"
"Yeah."
As she was leaving, Selesha sat down beside me, her defeated posture matching mine.
"Hey, Aria."
Her voice wasn't as peppy as normal. Her southern twang was still as defined as ever though. She looked at Jay and Ayla as they kissed, but she cut her eyes away abruptly, wincing as though it hurt to witness.
These days, I understood, even though I prayed I never had to see Tallis with someone else.
"I'm sorry, Selesha," I said softly, offering her an encouraging smile.
She didn't look up, though, so the forced smile went unnoticed.
"I knew it wasn't likely that he was my soul mate, but I couldn't help but fall in love with him. I linked to his human emotions before he transformed, and afterwards, we knew it wasn't real. We still had attraction and chemistry, and he still had some feelings left over from his mortal life.
"We were in love in our own way, but I knew this day would come. I had hoped I would find my soul mate first, but I guess destiny had different plans." Her unshed tears wavered but never fell, as she took a breath. "It still hurts because I haven't found my other half. And it'll hurt for a while, but everyday gets better. I remind myself that it wasn't real. You'll get there, too."
I shook my head. "I think the pain is actually getting worse everyday. Nothing seems to help. I'm just learning to hide it better."
She laughed, though it was a brief sound. "Maybe that's what I'm doing, too, doll. Who knows?"
She leaned back against the swing, her tomboy stance making me smile. I wished I had her confidence. Even broken she seemed so strong.
She crossed her arms as she started staring at Ayla and Jay again. "He thought I was his soul mate. He swore to it. Now look at him with his real soul mate. He doesn't even remember how I felt about him. All of his feelings vanished the day he found that connection. Now it's like we never even meant anything to each other. Some days are better; some days are worse."
"I'm guessing this is probably a worse day," I said through an understanding sigh.
I would never be this strong if I had to endure seeing Tallis with another girl.
"Definitely a worse day." She forced a tight grin while looking away once more. "Every day that I have to see them together is a worse day, but one day I know I'll find my true love, too. I didn't think that in the beginning, but I'm better now. I have hope again, and hope is a good thing."
For several moments, we sat in a comfortable silence, neither of us feeling a need to disturb the peace. It was comfortable because we were kindred in that moment. But that moment was soured quickly.
"Kid, you gotta let Tallis go," she said regretfully, tearing pieces of my heart away. "You can’t do like we did. Let him break the link, and go fall in pretend love with another mortal. You don't need to let Jared get too tied to you either. In the end, it's best if you just stick with mortals while you're mortal. Mixing magic with mortality, well, it gets messy. And it's not fair for anyone involved."
I chewed the inside of my jaw, biting back the tirade I'd love to release. Everyone loved telling me it was a lost cause.
"I can't just let him go. I love him, and against all odds, I believe he is the only one for me. As far as Jared goes, I told him that I only want to be friends. I told him I love Tallis. I have feelings for him, but they're not the same feelings I have for Tallis."
I knew she didn't believe me after what she had gone through with Jay, but I wasn't ready to see myself in her shoes.
"I've heard that before. I've actually said it myself. I was the only bodyguard ever allowed to visit the guardian village. Jay was going crazy around here, and he needed something peaceful to return to. He needed to reboot, so to speak. He wouldn't go without me, though.
"Champ, McKee's dad, was supposed to go, but Jay wouldn't have it. I was the only person he trusted to be with him. We were that connected. Your grandma allowed it because of how severely attached he was. Now I wish she had forced Champ to go. Those three weeks just made it that much harder. We got so incredibly close and it was almost unbearable when he transformed a year before the age I had."
I was going to ask her about that last part, but she continued speaking in her pained tone before I could.
"Just don't waste your time searching for the wrong guy the way I did. There's someone for everyone. Tallis may not be the one, but someone is. And I know you told Jared that you want to be friends, but I also saw the kiss the two of you shared last night. It wasn't just him kissing you. You kissed him back, and that's not the way I kiss a friend. Just saying."
She gave me a pointed look that drove her words through. I knew she was trying to help, but she was wrong. I hadn't backed down yet. I wasn't going to start now.
"That kiss was a mistake. I know that now better than I did last night. It was just nice to have somebody chasing me for a change. I don't want to do anything that would hurt him."
She nodded slowly, but still seemed unconvinced.
"Tallis is the one. One day I'll be able to prove it to everyone, including him," I added quietly, wondering if I was trying to convince myself or her.
"I hope you do, baby girl. I sure hope you do. I'm one to believe in the whole expect the worse and hope for the best concept." She patted me on the leg as she stood up. "I have to get home. I'll see y'all later."
She walked to her car, playfully dodging one of the other bodyguards as they tried to tackle her. She was so quick. I was glad Selesha was a good guy. I had seen her in action.
She had thrown Jay through a wall one day during the practice sparring. I'm sure that strength had been partially fueled by the whole woman scorned thing. She had volunteered to go against Ayla since no one else would, but everybody was worried about that match up, so they all quickly objected.
I didn't like the fact I was starting to feel a lot like Selesha right now. But what if everyone was right? What if one day I was on the sidelines, watching Tallis fall in love with someone else and forgetting I exist?
Chapter 12
Love's Vicious Cycle
Falling in love is much easier than falling out of love.
A few days had passed. I'd been trying to keep my distance from Jared. I was hoping that maybe if he couldn't feel my unnamed and confusing feelings for him, then he wouldn't keep having feelings for me. No such luck, though.
He had to leave today. And I knew he wasn't going to leave without telling me goodbye this time.
I turned the corner and he was standing there, blocking my path. I almost fell into his arms because I was so startled.
"Sorry, I didn't see you there," I muttered.
He smirked. "If you had seen me, you would have probably went the other way."
I frowned, mentally kicking myself for being so frigging obvious. "Don't say that. That's not what I've been trying to do. I just… I didn't want to hurt you anymore."
He rolled his eyes and smiled at me. "I'm a big boy, Aria. I've been around for over a hundred years, so I've had to deal with a few heartbreaks. I can handle this one, too. I have to admit, though, I've never fallen as quickly as this."
For a minute, I allowed myself to think of how much easier life would be if it was Jared instead of Tallis. Event that felt like a betrayal.
"I wish things could be different. You know how I feel, though."
He rubbed his forehead as he sighed. "Love is a vicious cycle sometimes. I want you, you want him, and he's running away. Everybody is chasing someone or running. I almost feel as if we're trapped in some stupid soap opera."
He laughed bitterly at his own comment.
I just smiled. "I'm sorry. I do love being your friend. I hope one day that's enough for you."
He took a deep breath and then exhaled loudly while responding. "Oh, believe me, I do, too. Until then, though, I'll be chasing the girl I can't have who is chasing the boy that she can't have. Wouldn't it be something if we ended up soul mates after all this?"
I tried not to wince. I couldn't imagine my soul mate being anyone but Tallis. "It would certainly be a surprise," I muttered dryly.
He frowned again. "I have to go. The rest of the militia is waiting on me. I drew out my stay here as long as I could. I was really hoping you would change your mind, especially after that kiss. At least I didn't set you on fire." He snickered jokingly until he noticed the tears forming in my eyes. Then he cleared his throat and fidgeted awkwardly. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean to upset you."
I forced a small smile. "It's okay. I certainly have a lot of issues to deal with. Be careful, please. I don't want you getting hurt."
He winked at me as he spoke with a cocky tone. "If I get hurt, will you kiss it and make it all better?"
I laughed while rolling my eyes. "I'll get Aster to heal you."
He scrunched up his nose, continuing his playfulness. "I prefer the kiss."
He pulled me to him and hugged me before kissing my forehead.
"Take care of yourself. Call me if you ever need me."
I looked up at him, confused. "You talk like you're never going to see me again."
He laughed as though I had made a joke. "Oh, trust me; you'll see me again. I told you I wasn't giving up that easily."
He hugged me again, picking me up just barely as he did so. I heard a horn honking in the front yard, interrupting our farewell.
"That's for me. I'll see you later, Aria."
He held my hand as he walked away until our fingertips were too far apart to reach. I spoke quietly to him as he got in the car. He was a good twenty-feet away, but I knew he could still hear me. “Bye, Jared."
