‘It’ll do what it’s told,’ Granny promised. ‘It can’t cross me.’
‘It murdered old Scrope,’ said Nanny Ogg. ‘I wouldn’t mind him killing it.’
‘Then shame on you, woman,’ said Granny. ‘It’s an animal. Animals can’t murder. Only us superior races can murder. That’s one of the things that sets us apart from animals. Give me that sack.’
She towed the fighting animal through the big double doors and a couple of the villagers hurriedly swung them shut. A moment later a hoof kicked a hole in the planking.
Ridcully arrived at a run, his huge crossbow slung over his shoulder.
‘They told me the unicorn had turned up again!’
Another board splintered.
‘In there?’
Nanny nodded.
‘She dragged it all the way down from the woods,’ she said.
‘But the damn thing’s savage!’
Nanny Ogg rubbed her nose. ‘Yes, well … but she’s qualified, ain’t she? When it comes to unicorn taming. Nothing to do with witchcraft.’
‘What d’you mean?’
‘I thought there was some things everyone knew about trapping unicorns,’ said Nanny archly. ‘Who could trap ’em, is what I am delicately hintin’ at. She always could run faster’n you, could Esme. She could outdistance any man.’
Ridcully stood there with his mouth open.
‘Now, me,’ said Nanny, ‘I’d always trip over first ole tree root I came to. Took me ages to find one, sometimes.’
‘You mean after I went she never—’
‘Don’t get soft ideas. It’s all one at our time o’ life anyway,’ said Nanny. ‘It’d never have crossed her mind if you hadn’t turned up.’ An associated thought seemed to strike her. ‘You haven’t seen Casanunda, have you?’
‘’Ello, my little rosebud,’ said a cheerful, hopeful voice.
Nanny didn’t even turn around.
‘You do turn up where people aren’t looking,’ she said.
‘Famed for it, Mrs Ogg.’
There was silence from inside the forge. Then they could make out the tap-tap-tap of Jason’s hammer.
‘What they doing in there?’ said Ridcully.
‘It’s stopping it kicking, whatever it is,’ said Nanny.
‘What was in the sack, Mrs Ogg?’ said Casanunda.
‘What she told me to get,’ said Nanny. ‘Her old silver tea set. Family heirloom. I’ve only ever seen it but twice, and once was just now when I put it in the sack. I don’t think she’s ever used it. It’s got a cream jug shaped like a humorous cow.’
More people had arrived outside the forge. The crowd stretched all the way across the square.
The hammering stopped. Jason’s voice, quite close, said:
‘We’re coming out now.’
‘They’re coming out now,’ said Nanny.
‘What’d she say?’
‘She said they’re coming out now.’
‘They’re coming out now!’
The crowd pulled back. The doors swung open.
Granny emerged, leading the unicorn. It walked sedately, muscles moving under its white coat like frogs in oil. And its hooves clattered on the cobbles. Ridcully couldn’t help noticing how they shone.
It walked politely alongside the witch until she reached the centre of the square. Then she turned it loose, and gave it a light slap on the rump.
It whinnied softly, turned, and galloped down the street, towards the forest …
Nanny Ogg appeared silently behind Granny Weatherwax as she watched it go.
‘Silver shoes?’ she said quietly. ‘They’ll last no time at all.’
‘And silver nails. They’ll last for long enough,’ said Granny, speaking to the world in general. ‘And she’ll never get it back, though she calls it for a thousand years.’
‘Shoeing the unicorn,’ said Nanny, shaking her head. ‘Only you’d think of shoeing a unicorn, Esme.’
‘I’ve been doing it all my life,’ said Granny.
Now the unicorn was a speck on the moorland. As they watched, it disappeared into the evening gloom.
Nanny Ogg sighed, and broke whatever spell there was.
‘So that’s it, then.’
‘Yes.’
‘Are you going to the dance up at the castle?’
‘Are you?’
‘Well … Mr Casanunda did ask if I could show him the Long Man. You know. Properly. I suppose it’s him being a dwarf. They’re very interested in earthworks.’
‘Can’t get enough of them,’ said Casanunda.
Granny rolled her eyes.
‘Act your age, Gytha.’
‘Act? Don’t have to act, can do it automatic,’ said Nanny. ‘Acting half my age … now that’s the difficult trick. Anyway, you didn’t answer me.’
To the surprise of Nanny, and of Ridcully, and possibly even of Granny Weatherwax herself, she slipped her arm around Ridcully’s arm.
‘Mr Ridcully and I are going to have a stroll down to the bridge.’
‘We are?’ said Ridcully.
‘Oh, that’s nice.’
‘Gytha Ogg, if you keep on looking at me like that I shall give you a right ding around the ear.’
‘Sorry, Esme,’ said Nanny.
‘Good.’
‘I expect you want to talk about old times,’ Nanny volunteered.
‘Maybe old times. Maybe other times.’
The unicorn reached the forest, and galloped onwards.
The waters of the Lancre gushed below. No-one crossed the same water twice, even on a bridge.
Ridcully dropped a pebble. It went plunk.
‘It all works out,’ said Granny Weatherwax, ‘somewhere. Your young wizard knows that, he just puts daft words around it. He’d be quite bright, if only he’d look at what’s in front of him.’
‘He wants to stay here for a while,’ said Ridcully gloomily. He flicked another pebble into the depths. ‘Seems fascinated by the stones. I can’t say no, can I? The king’s all for it. He says other kings have always had fools, so he’ll try having a wise man around, just in case that works better.’
Granny laughed.
‘And there’s young Diamanda going to be up and about any day now,’ she said.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Oh, nothing. That’s the thing about the future. It could turn out to be anything. And everything.’
She picked up a pebble. It hit the water at the same time as one of Ridcully’s own, making a double plunk.
‘Do you think,’ said Ridcully, ‘that … somewhere … it all went right?’
‘Yes. Here!’
Granny softened at the sight of his sagging shoulders.
‘But there, too,’ she said.
‘What?’
‘I mean that somewhere Mustrum Ridcully married Esmerelda Weatherwax and they lived—’ Granny gritted her teeth ‘—lived happily ever after. More or less. As much as anyone does.’
‘How d’you know?’
‘I’ve been picking up bits of her memories. She seemed happy enough. And I ain’t easily pleased.’
‘How can you do that?’
‘I try to be good at everything I do.’
‘Did she say anything about—’
‘She didn’t say nothing! She don’t know we exist! Don’t ask questions! It’s enough to know that everything happens somewhere, isn’t it?’
Ridcully tried to grin.
‘Is that the best you can tell me?’ he said.
‘It’s the best there is. Or the next best thing.’
* * *
Where does it end?42
On a summer night, with couples going their own ways, and silky purple twilight growing between the trees. From the castle, long after the celebrations had ended, faint laughter and the ringing of little silver bells. And from the empty hillside, only the silence of the elves.
THE END
Footnotes
To return to the corresponding text,
click on the reference number.
1Probably at the first pawn.
2 Gods like a joke as much as anyone else.
3 Which is another country.
4 Which, no matter how carefully coiled, will always uncoil overnight and tie the lawnmower to the bicycles.
5 This happens all the time, everywhere in the multiverse, even on cold planets awash with liquid methane. No-one knows why it is, but in any group of employed individuals the only naturally early riser is always the office manager, who will always leave reproachful little notes (or, as it might be, engraved helium crystals) on the desks of their subordinates. In fact the only place this does not happen very often is the world Zyrix, and this is only because Zyrix has eighteen suns and it is only possible to be an early riser there once every 1,789.6 years, but even then, once every 1,789.6 years, resonating to some strange universal signal, smallminded employers slither down to the office with a tentacle full of small reproachful etched frimpt shells at the ready.
6 He lived on his nerves.
7 The study of invisible writings was a new discipline made available by the discovery of the bi-directional nature of Library-Space. The thaumic mathematics are complex, but boil down to the fact that all books, everywhere, affect all other books. This is obvious: books inspire other books written in the future, and cite books written in the past. But the General Theory8 of L-Space suggests that, in that case, the contents of books as yet unwritten can be deduced from books now in existence.
8 There’s a Special Theory as well, but no-one bothers with it much because it’s self-evidently a load of marsh gas.
9 It was largely dark.
10 Three times outright, once after eleven hours extra time, and twice when the other finalists ran away.
11 Who was also general poacher, cess-pit cleaner and approximate carpenter.12
12 ‘With a couple of nails it’ll stay up all right.’
13 The thing about iron is that you generally don’t have to think fast in dealing with it.
14 Well, it’s like this … The Carter parents were a quiet and respectable Lancre family who got into a bit of a mix-up when it came to naming their children. First, they had four daughters, who were christened Hope, Chastity, Prudence and Charity, because naming girls after virtues is an ancient and unremarkable tradition. Then their first son was born and out of some misplaced idea about how this naming business was done he was called Anger Carter, followed later by Jealousy Carter, Bestiality Carter and Covetousness Carter. Life being what it is, Hope turned out to be a depressive, Chastity was enjoying life as a lady of negotiable affection in Ankh-Morpork, Prudence had thirteen children, and Charity expected to get a dollar’s change out of seventy-five pence – whereas the boys had grown into amiable, well-tempered men, and Bestiality Carter was, for example, very kind to animals.
15 Ponder was one hundred per cent wrong about this.
16 Verence and Magrat had a lot in common, really.
17 If it wasn’t a big stick.
18 It was here that the thaum, hitherto believed to be the smallest possible particle of magic, was successfully demonstrated to be made up of resons19a or reality fragments. Currently research indicates that each reson is itself made up of a combination of at least five ‘flavours’, known as ‘up’, ‘down’, ‘sideways’, ‘sex appeal’ and ‘peppermint’.
19a Lit: ‘Thing-ies’.
19 Except for Nanny Ogg, who did it all the time, although not on purpose.
20 As has been pointed out earlier in the Discworld chronicles, entire agricultural economies have been based on the lifting power of little old ladies in black dresses.
21 i.e., having a lot of bosk.
22 Really true. That’s why people stand aside when kings go past.
23 The Lancrastians did not consider geography to be a very original science.
24 Trolls, a lifeform based on silicon rather than carbon, can’t in fact digest people. But there’s always someone ready to give it a try.
25 Insert the usual ‘red-hot curried marbles’ description here, if you like.
26 In the case of the α-Ω Street Mappe of Ankh-Morpork, this would be The Sunshine Home for Sick Dragons in Morphic Street, Please Leave Donations of Coal by Side Door. Remember, A Dragon is For Life, Not Just for Hogswatchnight.
27 Shawn Ogg.28a
28a Except when he was lying down.
28 But not huge, by wig standards. There have, in the course of decadent history, been many large wigs, often with built-in gewgaws to stop people having to look at boring hair all the time. There had been ones big enough to contain pet mice or clockwork ornaments. Mme Cupidor, mistress of Mad King Soup II, had one with a bird cage in it, but on special state occasions wore one containing a perpetual calendar, a floral clock and a take-away linguini shop.
29 i.e., far enough so’s not to look like you’re intruding on the conversation, but close enough to get a pretty good idea of what is going on.
30 Carrots so you can see in the dark, she’d explain, and oysters so’s you’ve got something to look at.
31 The Librarian, an ape of simple but firmly-held tastes, considered an episode with custard pies, buckets of whitewash and especially that bit when someone takes someone else’s hat off, fills it with something oozy, and replaces it on the deadpan head while the orchestra plays ‘WHAH … Whah … whah … whaaaa …’ to be an absolutely essential part of any theatrical performance. Since a roasted peanut is a dangerous and painful item when hurled with pinpoint accuracy, directors in Ankh-Morpork had long ago taken the hint. This made some of the grand guignol melodramas a little unusual, but it was considered that plays like The Blood-Soaked Tragedy of the Mad Monk of Quirm (with Custard-pie scene)’ were far better than being deaf in one ear for five days.
32 Made it up.
33 Had read a lot of stuff that other people had made up, too.
34 ‘He’s just an old soppy really’ – from the Nanny Ogg Book of Cat Sayings.
35 He knew this because the previous month’s issue of Popular Armour had run a feature entitled ‘We Test The Top Twenty Sub-$50 Helmets’. It had also run a second feature called ‘Battleaxes: We Put The Ten Best Through Their Paces’ and had advertised for half a dozen new testers.
36 The shortest unit of time in the multiverse is the New York Second, defined as the period of time between the traffic lights turning green and the cab behind you honking.
37 Although this is a phallusy.
38 There are many recipes for the flat round loaves of Lancre dwarf bread, but the common aim of all of them is to make a field ration that is long-lasting, easily packed and can disembowel the enemy if skimmed through the air hard enough. Edibility is a kind of optional extra. Most recipes are a closely guarded secret, apart from the gravel.
39 Hence the term ‘wholesale destruction’.
40 The Monks of Cool, whose tiny and exclusive monastery is hidden in a really cool and laid-back valley in the lower Ramtops, have a passing-out test for a novice. He is taken into a room full of all types of clothing and asked: Yo,41a my son, which of these is the most stylish thing to wear? And the correct answer is: Hey, whatever I select.
41a Cool, but not necessarily up to date.
41 Nanny Ogg was also a great picker-up of unconsidered trifles.
42 When Hwel the playwright turned up with the rest of the troupe next day they told him all about it, and he wrote it down. But he left out all the bits that wouldn’t fit on a stage, or were too expensive, or which he didn’t believe. In any case, he called it The Taming of the Vole, because no-one would be interested in a play called Things that Happened on A Midsummer Night.
About the Author
Terry Pratchett is the acclaimed creator of the global bestselling Discworld® series, the first of which, The Colour of Magic, was published in 1983. His novels have been widely adapted for stage and screen, and he is the winner of multiple prizes, including the Carnegie Medal, as well as being awarded a knightho
od for services to literature. Worldwide sales of his books now stand at 70 million, and they have been translated into thirty-seven languages.
For more information about Terry Pratchett and his books, please visit www.terrypratchett.co.uk
The Discworld® series
Have you read them all?
1. THE COLOUR OF MAGIC
2. THE LIGHT FANTASTIC
3. EQUAL RITES
4. MORT
5. SOURCERY
6. WYRD SISTERS
7. PYRAMIDS
8. GUARDS! GUARDS!
9. ERIC
(illustrated by Josh Kirby)
10. MOVING PICTURES
11. REAPER MAN
12. WITCHES ABROAD
13. SMALL GODS
14. LORDS AND LADIES
15. MEN AT ARMS
16. SOUL MUSIC
17. INTERESTING TIMES
18. MASKERADE
19. FEET OF CLAY
20. HOGFATHER
21. JINGO
22. THE LAST CONTINENT
23. CARPE JUGULUM
24. THE FIFTH ELEPHANT
25. THE TRUTH
26. THIEF OF TIME
27. THE LAST HERO
(illustrated by Paul Kidby)
28. THE AMAZING MAURICE AND HIS EDUCATED RODENTS
(for young adults)
29. NIGHT WATCH
30. THE WEE FREE MEN
(for young adults)
31. MONSTROUS REGIMENT
32. A HAT FULL OF SKY
(for young adults)
33. GOING POSTAL
34. THUD
35. WINTERSMITH
(for young adults)
36. MAKING MONEY
37. UNSEEN ACADEMICALS
38. I SHALL WEAR MIDNIGHT
(for young adults)
39. SNUFF
Other books about Discworld
THE SCIENCE OF DISCWORLD
(with Ian Stewart and Jack Cohen)
THE SCIENCE OF DISCWORLD II: THE GLOBE
(with Ian Stewart and Jack Cohen)
THE SCIENCE OF DISCWORLD III: DARWIN’S WATCH
(with Ian Stewart and Jack Cohen)
TURTLE RECALL: THE DISCWORLD COMPANION … SO FAR
(with Stephen Briggs)
Lords And Ladies Page 30
