He tried a small, careful grin, and after a moment’s uneasy hesitation some of the females smiled, then after a few brief chitter-chatter comments made the rounds of the table they all laughed. Good, he thought, I think that finally broke the ice. “Since most humans eat an omnivorous diet and H’kaah are strict vegetarians, I can only promise you I will try not to offend you by eating meat in your presence.” Several of them flinched, which he quietly noted. “Also, we’ve found that since most meat eaters have a characteristic body odor that members of some vegetarian species find offensive, I refrained from bathing this morning, and I have not used a deodorant, a scent-masking chemical we apply to our underarm musk glands to keep from offending each other. I want you to be absolutely sure that my natural, unmuted scent does not make you uncomfortable. On the other hand, I don’t expect to have that problem with any of you.” He smiled.
The females blinked, twitched their rabbit noses and chattered a while, then Ross added, “Company rules allow you to refuse up to five client contract offers before being returned to your homeworld. Remember, though, nothing you say or do today will be held against you, so if I happen to choose you and you decide at the last minute you’re not comfortable with me, that refusal won’t be counted.” That brought only a brief session of alien chitchat, then they all sat still. Looking at him.
Waiting for him to make the next move.
“So. What would you like me to do? Should I walk around and visit with each of you in turn, or would you prefer to do this differently?” He stood, then spread his hands in confusion as he said, “Ladies, the next move is up to you.”
After a few moments of awkward silence the nearest H’kaah, one with rich honey-gold, short body fur accented with blonde on the lower face, neck, center chest and belly (And where else? he wondered.) smiled and held out her right hand to him. He noted that her silky brown human-like scalp hair was pulled back into a long, lush ponytail.
Bunnytail? he thought with a silent chuckle, then corrected himself with, Nope, that’s at the other end, but I’ll bet part of it is blonde, too. Her smile radiated a friendly warmth that made his chest immediately tighten. This is gonna be tough, he mentally cried.
She was the first, and as he went around the table in rotation he was careful to treat each one in the same manner. First he asked the female’s name and he carefully wrote it on his legal pad, then he followed it with notes and answers to specific questions, all written in a personal shorthand that he knew they wouldn’t understand.
Ross judged them on perceived personal hygiene; while all appeared clean and none had an offensive odor, some seemed more fastidious than others. He liked some fur coloration and patterns better than others; several had fur of a single color while others had multiple colors with some of those forming non-symmetrical patterns or spots. Body proportions varied only slightly. H’kaah females generally ranged close to human average size in height and weight (except for ears, and those varied); the same went for H’kaah males. As in humans, breast size varied, but unlike some humans the H’kaah females’ breasts were never so large as to be pendulous. Hips/thighs/butt tended to be just slightly heavier than those of comparable humans; the aliens were, after all, rabbit-based.
Ross also carefully recorded their responses to him. He made sure each one got a snoutful of his scent; in fact he made a show of it, much to everyone’s amusement. Also, if an individual showed any revulsion to touching bare human skin he knew that particular H’kaah would never be at ease in mankind’s world.
Finally, he noted how well each one spoke the English that had been hypno-taught them before they left their homeworld. The Mn’rii had been the second of the twenty six species we discovered, and shortly after the first awkward meetings with our human explorers the otter-like aliens presented us with a comprehensive universal linguistics program that utilized computer training enhanced with drug-induced hypnosis. In less than thirty-six hours any member of the twenty seven presently known species could acquire competency in any other species’ language. Another twelve hours under the program would give the language student passable reading and writing skills in the language they had just learned to speak.
All H’kaah companion candidates were required to speak, read and write English, but Ross also judged the females on how pleasant their voices sounded to his ear. On average, H’kaah had slightly higher-pitched voices than humans, and their teeth/jaw structure/bifurcated upper lip made certain human speech sounds difficult for them.
When Ross finished his last interview he returned to his seat, and after the candidates had settled down he gave them final instructions. “Thank you one and all for being so kind to this nervous human; at least none of you bit me or ran screaming in panic from the room.” He grinned widely, and after a moment’s shocked hesitation several of the females first smiled, then giggled, then openly laughed. He carefully noted which ones did that, too. A sense of humor attuned to human standards was, he believed, vitally important for an alien living in an alien-to-her world. Not displaying overt terror at the sight of teeth bared in humor was a plus, too.
“What I’m going to do now,” he stated, “is find myself a quiet corner and look over my notes—and consult my heart. What I’d like you to do is think hard about what I’ve told you, along with what you’ve learned about humans in general, and about me in particular. Talk it over or not, that’s your choice. Remember, if you wish to remove yourself from my consideration it will NOT be counted against your five-refusal limit. Also, if any of you decide that this entire—well, let’s call it an adventure for lack of a better term—was a mistake, the company will courteously return you to your homeworld. In a way I guess this really is an adventure for you, and for us humans, too, but you must understand that we’re not forcing you into this. What it boils down to is, if you’re not happy, we’re not happy.”
The females seemed comfortable with what he’d told them so he said in conclusion, “I’ll be back in one hour,” and he pointed to a conventional dial clock on the wall. “If you’re here I’ll know you’re still interested in having me as your patron.” And with that he left the room.
But Ross didn’t go to a “quiet corner” to think; he walked down the hall to the employee lounge and bought a Coke and a pack of cheese crackers from the vending machines. After taking a measured ten minutes to enjoy his snack he left the lounge, ducking around a corner and into a room Shapiro had earlier shown him that was off-limits to the aliens. Inside he met his old friend and was introduced to a small group of staff members who were huddled around racks of video monitors and DVD recorders. He drawled, “Well, folks, how did I do? Should I make a reservation for this year’s Emmys?”
“Hey, you’re a shoo-in!” Shapiro rumbled to the accompaniment of chuckles and good-natured rude comments from the room’s occupants. The monitors showed numerous views of the conference room, and there were clear audio feeds coming from several microphones artfully hidden throughout the room. Although the females were chattering in their alien tongue, all of the people in the surveillance room were fluent in it.
“You certainly got them buzzing, Mr. Ross,” Russ Ayers, Shapiro’s assistant manager, stated.
“That was the idea,” Shapiro said. “Since these are the first ones in the program it’s vital to know if we need to make any fundamental changes in our recruitment procedure.” What he didn’t say, but knew everyone was worried about, was the possibility of having to abandon the whole idea. These were, after all, aliens. Maybe the Patron’s idea had been a mistake, maybe not; that was what they were trying to determine. They hated deceiving the H’kaah about their comments being scrutinized, but all the humans involved agreed that it was necessary.
“Any dropouts yet?” Ross asked.
“So far,” Ayers answered, “we have one who wants to go home to mama and three who want to toss you back and see what else walks through the door.” There were a few snorts and chuckles from the group, then Ayers continued, “None of them ar
e really critical of you personally, not even the dropout; in fact they’re quite impressed with your candor. There are, however, several who’ve voiced some rather frank questions about your, uh, maleness…”
“W-what!” Ross sputtered.
Shapiro laughed, saying, “Yeah, let’s see—How’s he hung? How often does he like to screw? How long can he go before ‘losing it’? How many times he can do it before getting tired?—that kind of thing.” With his face flaming with embarrassment, Ross was thankful the room’s lights were dim. “Jack, they may be aliens but that’s as ‘female’ a bunch as any group of human women I’ve ever seen.”
“Jeez,” Ross muttered.
“Two of them sound like they’re really interested in you, sir,” Ayers commented, pointing out those individuals to Ross who quickly made notations by the females’ names on his legal pad. “Some of the others are more or less simply curious or adventurous. I wouldn’t recommend them for what you want.”
“What in particular do you think I want?” Ross asked, trying to keep his sudden anger out of his voice.
He wasn’t completely successful, though, and Ayers quickly replied, “Hey, I didn’t mean anything by it, Mr. Ross. Mr. Shapiro told us you were divorced, and that you were interested in getting a companion. As long as you don’t abuse her, as long as she doesn’t complain about how she’s treated, what the two of you do is none of our business. Man, we appreciate the hell out of you helping us with this last-minute fine-tuning.”
Ross cooled down, realizing he’d read meaning into Ayers’ off-hand remark that really wasn’t there. Or was it? He sadly realized that it really didn’t matter, since plenty of others would probably associate his choice of a sexy female alien to share his life as nothing more than a twisted taste for strange.
He took a deep breath, and after a moment to collect his thoughts said, “No problem, Russ. Sorry I snapped at you; I guess I’m a lot more nervous about this than I thought I’d be.”
“Got any favorites yet?” Shapiro asked, carefully trying to shift the focus of the conversation.
“From my interviews and what you’ve showed me those two appear to be my best candidates.” He pointed out the honey-gold and blonde-furred one with the brown pony tail who was the first one he’d interviewed, as well as a leggy, lop-eared and white-furred beauty who had jet black scalp hair and eartips, and an intriguing black tip on her fluffy tail. He checked his notes, then said, “Damn! That white one’s drop-dead gorgeous, but for some reason I’m afraid she could be a real handful.” He thought for a few moments, then added, “Something keeps pointing me toward the brown-haired blonde. While she wasn’t the first one into the room she moved up and sat in the chair closest to me, so she’s certainly not shy. Also, unlike some of the others, she didn’t flinch or wrinkle her nose when she got a whiff of my ‘manly aroma’.”
Ross sniffed under an arm, wrinkled his face and declared, “God, I need a bath!” Everybody laughed.
Over a minute went by without anybody saying anything, then Ross stated, “Y’know, it’s funny. Sometimes first impressions DO matter. That little ‘blondie’ was the first one I interviewed, and I find that I’m comparing all the others to her. I think I’ll put the question to her and see how she reacts. Right now, though, I gotta get rid of the Coke and all that fancy spring water I’ve been swilling or they’re gonna smell something more offensive than my ‘manly aroma’ when I stroll back in there.”
He left the surveillance room to a round of applause mixed with laughter, catcalls and whistles.
In time Ross pushed open the conference room door to face eight potential companions as well as an unforeseen dilemma. Until a short while ago he hadn’t given much thought to how he would announce his choice to the waiting group. While all eight remaining H’kaah females were interested in his offer, he knew that some were only moderately interested while several others were quite interested. Two were apparently dead serious about it.
How to avoid seven bruised egos—ah, that was the question! As he strode past the seated females on his way to what he jokingly referred to as “The Hot Seat” he hit upon the answer.
“Ladies,” he said with a wry smile after he settled into his chair, “this has gone far better than I ever dreamed it could.” They twitched their noses and blinked in confusion, saying nothing. “It’s also presented me with a problem because I’ve found all of you to be so incredibly delightful. However, the company’s rules allow me to sign only one contract.” He stood and deliberately swept his gaze around the room, ending with the brown-haired blonde. After a pause he said, “S’leen, would you be my companion?”
Her reaction was everything he had hoped for: surprise, disbelief, joy. The others showed various degrees of mild to moderate disappointment, yet they appeared genuinely happy for the one chosen. The “Snow Queen”, as he’d mentally labeled the stunning white lop, quickly covered her disappointment with a feline-like show of indifference to Ross while she congratulated S’leen.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked S’leen again, and she nervously replied yes. “Great! Why don’t you gather your possessions while you say goodbye to everyone, then wait for me in Mr. Shapiro’s office. I’ll be down in a little while to sign my part of the contract.”
She quickly left to gather her modest belongings from the females’ dormitory, and the remaining disappointed aliens started to leave. “Ladies,” he said, “please wait a moment.” He began making the rounds of the table, personally thanking each one of the remaining seven for allowing him the opportunity to meet and spend some time with her. The time-honored public relations tactic worked surprisingly well, and as each female left the room he could tell that their overall mood had brightened considerably.
He saved the white-furred “Snow Queen” for last, and as the one before her left the room he stepped over and closed the door. The regal-looking H’kaah suddenly appeared apprehensive as Ross pulled two of the chairs around to face each other, then sat in one while directing her to sit in the other. Her fear changed to amazement when he smiled warmly and reached out to gently enfold her downy-soft left hand in both of his. “You really put me in an awkward position, C’maat,” he softly stated. “Although I selected S’leen, you were actually my first choice; I’d even chosen a special name for you—‘Snow Queen’—because you’re so incredibly beautiful.” She couldn’t believe what she was hearing; he really did like her!
His smile turned wistful as he shook his head, saying, “Yet as I reviewed your answers to my list of questions I realized that asking you to be my companion would be terribly unfair to both of us.” To her sudden confusion he explained, “Your interview answers tell me that you’re adventurous and athletic—more so, I believe, than any other female in the group. However, I’m a middle-aged human who’s past his prime. I’m not in bad shape for my age, understand, but I don’t think pairing you up with someone like me would make either of us happy. You need to set your sights on a younger, livelier human, someone who’ll keep you challenged and entertained, someone who’ll look good standing next to you.” He shushed her protests and added, “I’ll make sure Teddy Shapiro fully understands that, too.” He absently chewed his lower lip in thought for a moment, then said, “In fact, a younger and more-athletic businessman I know just might be the perfect match for you, and I think he’ll find you absolutely irresistible. With your permission I’ll suggest he make an appointment to see you, and only you.”
At first C’maat didn’t know what to say. Her bitter disappointment had been turned upside down; perhaps she hadn’t lost after all. Finally she said, “Yes, thank you, sir. If Mr. Shapiro approves I would like to meet this person.” She literally beamed at Ross, reaching her free hand to touch his cheek.
“Friends?” he asked, smiling.
“Yes, I would like to be your friend,” she said, meaning every word.
He released her hand and gently took the one she touched his cheek with, brushing the white velvety f
ur on its back with his lips. “If things work out I’m sure we’ll meet again socially, but for now you need to go say goodbye to S’leen. Who knows,” he said with a sly wink, “maybe it won’t be long before you see her again.”
C’maat stood and, smiling, hesitantly made her way out the door. Ross stayed seated for a while, apparently working on his notes. In fact, he was stalling for time while he calmed down; he didn’t want the hidden video cameras to spot the conspicuous bulge in his Dockers.
* * *
Once the paperwork had been signed and the farewells said Ross led his new companion out to his elderly Corvette. S’leen had never before seen such an outrageous vehicle and didn’t even know how to fold herself into its cramped passenger side bucket seat, but once seated her ears stood up well above the low windshield. Her two pieces of soft luggage were a tight fit in the car’s abbreviated trunk.
He absently gnawed a fingernail for a moment, then said, “I really didn’t take into consideration what the wind would do to your ears, S’leen. If you like, I’ll put the top up. You’ll have to lay your ears down, or back or something.”
“I can hold them, Mr. Ross. They are very flexible and—”
“Whoa, stop! S’leen, you don’t address me as ‘Mr. Ross’; you’re my companion, and I hope you’ll soon become my friend. I’d like us both to be on a personal-name basis, and my personal name is Jack. Ross is my family name, the same way M’faan is your family name. OK?”
“OK—Jack,” she hesitantly replied.
“Good, and I think I’ve got a solution to our problem.” He reached into the Corvette’s glove compartment and produced a filmy, white silk scarf. “Tie this over those beautiful ears and maybe the wind won’t make them flap up and down like a bird’s wings.” He grinned at her sudden look of surprise, then was relieved when she responded with a matching grin. Any budding relationship is better when humor comes easily to both parties.
Redeeming Factors (Revised) Page 4
