I smiled, not at his pain, but at him opening up to me. “Okay. Now see, was that so hard?”
He grinned. “No, but this is…” He turned the water off and grabbed himself, kissing me.
CHAPTER 13
It was a Tuesday night and I was feeding Aiden his dinner when my phone rang. Riley.
“Hi,” I answered.
“Hi yourself. You busy?”
“Mommy! I done!” Aiden said, pushing the plate away from him. “Down!” he fumbled with the little booster seat I had tied to a chair that had straps to keep him down.
I blushed a little, grateful Riley couldn’t see it. “Sorry, can you hold on a sec?”
“Of course.”
I sprung Aiden free from his chair and quickly wiped his mouth and hands and told him to go play in his room. He didn’t of course, he plopped himself on the couch and ordered me to turn the TV on.
Demanding toddler!
I turned on the Nickelodeon channel and went back into the kitchen. “Sorry. Now what were you asking?”
He chuckled. “If you were busy.”
“Ah, guess that answered that. But I always have time for you,” I purred.
He laughed again. “Hey, I know it’s a Tuesday but do you think I could come over?”
I paused. He had been over on a weeknight before, but usually very late after Aiden was in bed. “Um, sure, I guess. Is everything okay?”
“Yes, of course. I’ll be there soon.”
“Wait!” I said as he sounded like he was about to hang up. “How are you going to get here?”
“A guy in my room is going to Frisco, he said he’d drop me off.”
I giggled. “Ok frisky Frisco boy, I’ll see you in a few.”
I wouldn’t say I was fretting over him being over, but I did worry a little bit about how he’d interact with Aiden. They had met twice before, both times on Sunday afternoons when my ex had to drop him off early and Riley was still here. Aiden was kind of a shy kid, but friendly enough to anyone I liked. I also wondered what Riley wanted and hoped he didn’t have bad news or anything. He had already been told he had to go back to Colorado at the end of August, and here we were, starting the second week of August so our time was short.
I cleaned the dishes and plopped my little man in the bathtub as I brushed my teeth and checked myself in the mirror. Silly, I thought.
I was brushing out Aiden’s auburn hair when I heard the knock.
“Who dat?” Aiden asked, his eyes wide.
I laughed. “It’s mommy’s friend.”
He followed me to the door, staying behind me, and I opened it, giving Riley a sort-of platonic hug. He kissed my lips softly and said, “Hi.”
He was wearing his BDU uniform, carrying his overnight bag. He looked past me and down at Aiden. “Hi, Aiden.”
Aiden looked at me, and then at Riley.
“Aiden, say hi to Mr. Riley.”
“Hi.” He laughed then ran off to his room.
Riley laughed. “He’s cute.”
I smiled. “Thanks. He’s my life.”
He nodded. “I know.”
Riley put his bag in the bedroom then came back out to the living room where I put a plate of cheese and crackers and some water bottles.
“What’s up, soldier boy?” I asked, piling a square of cheddar onto a wheat cracker and popping it into my mouth.
He watched me for a minute and cracked open the water bottle and took a sip.
“Nothing. I just wanted to see you.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Yeah, right. Spill it.”
He paused for a minute, looking at me hard. Then his eyes flicked down to his lap. “No really, Cara. I just wanted to see you. I know it’s not anything dramatic or something you expected. Our time is getting short and I was missing you today.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat that had nothing to do with cheese or crackers, and looked at him. “Okay.”
“Mama, I tired.”
“Hi, Aiden,” Riley said again.
Aiden came up and climbed up in my lap, looking at Riley. He had his little blue thermal blanket that he never went anywhere without and he laid his head on my chest. I gently stroked Aiden’s hair and he began to drift off.
Riley looked at me and smiled. “He sure loves you.”
I nodded. “Yes. He’s my little buddy.”
Riley opened his mouth to say something but closed it again, seemingly changing his mind. I was going to ask him what, but decided against it.
Aiden was soon asleep on me. “Excuse me while I put him to bed.”
When I came back out, Riley was finishing the last of his water and was stacking cheese on a cracker. “These are good.”
I nodded. “Yep. Those are my favorite kind of cracker.”
I glanced at the clock. It was only eight-thirty. “Do you want to watch some TV?”
“Man, I wish you had a TV in your room,” he said with a smile.
“If my laptop was bigger we could watch on that, but that’s not quite the same, is it?”
He shook his head. “Let’s go to bed.”
“Wait,” I said, remembering my conversation with the inmate. “I need to ask you something.”
He looked at me, confused. “What?”
I took a deep breath. “Do you know of, or have you seen any of your… coworkers doing things with inmates they shouldn’t?”
He was still seated on the couch but had begun to unbutton his BDU shirt. He was looking down at the buttons when he answered me. “Well, Cara, that’s kind of a loaded question. I mean, those prisoners are pretty flirtatious when they’re working on the grounds or cleaning our offices, but if you want me to be honest, I have not actually seen anything happen with one of them and another GI. No.”
I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes. “Wow, way to be evasive, Riley. I mean, I can read between the lines here.”
He shook his head and almost looked like he wanted to laugh. “What do you want me to say? You want names and times and locations?”
“Look, just so you know, the inmates are starting to snitch. They’ll be an investigation so you should probably tell your buddies to keep it in their pants. And you might want to pass this on, too. Most of those chicks are or were drug users and a lot of them are former prostitutes. They may be telling you and your friends they’re in for credit card fraud or tax evasion or identity theft, but trust me, they know you can’t back up their claims. The majority of them are in for drug crimes, and they all blame their husbands or boyfriends for their bust.”
He looked slightly mortified as I finished my tirade, but quickly recovered. I felt my little spiel would probably help – if he passed it on.
He distracted me once again by shrugging off his BDU shirt and then sliding his hand up my thigh. He leaned in close to me and whispered into my mouth, “I don’t want to talk about inmates. Or coworkers. Or anything other than you, naked, on your bed.”
I nodded silently as he kissed me, warm and soft. I inhaled his musky scent as he grabbed my hand and stood up. Wrapping his arms around me, he leaned down to kiss me again, picking me up and turning me around slightly, then setting me back down. I swooned under his kiss, then sighed as he led me back to my room.
The friend who’d dropped him off had spent the night in San Fran and had picked him up on his way back to the base in time for PT. Riley was gone by morning before Aiden and I even got up. I was a bit disappointed but told myself I’d better get used to it real soon.
***
The next week sailed by and on Friday, I practically flew home and peeled myself out of my work clothes. I changed into my denim frayed short-shorts and yellow spaghetti strap babydoll top and got myself a large glass of ice water to drink while I tidied up the house. I briefly wondered if I should offer to cook or if we were going out to dinner. I was going to text Riley and ask, then decided against it.
That would be way too wife-like.
Riley arrived at my house around six p.m.
with his duffel bag as usual but he had a grave look on his face. I ushered him in with a kiss and instructed him to sit.
“What is it?” I asked, looking at him seriously.
“I got orders today.”
I cocked my head to the side. “Um okay. What does that mean?”
Riley and I had discussed a couple of weeks ago that he was set to report back to his base in Colorado right after Labor Day weekend, and while I knew it was coming, I tried not to think about it, telling myself this was just a summer fling and when he was gone, he’d be gone and it would be time to move on. So I was confused by what he was telling me.
Riley took a deep breath. “I’ve been given orders. I’m going to Afghanistan and I have to be back in Colorado at the end of August to prepare for it. We leave mid-September.”
I sucked in a breath and tried not to let him see the tears burning my eyes. Dammit, this was not supposed to happen. I wasn’t crazy about him leaving back to Colorado, but Afghanistan? Not only was that very far away, it was dangerous. He could die. Plus, the end of August was less than two weeks away.
“I’m sorry,” was the only lame response I could manage to eke out.
He smiled at me. “Don’t be. It’s my job, it’s what we do. The Army owns me, I belong to them.”
His good attitude made me feel a little better but I was still more than a little upset.
“How long?”
“At least nine months,” he said.
I nodded and blew out a breath and didn’t know what to say. “Are you hungry? Let’s go to this little Italian hole-in-the-wall restaurant I know about.”
He grinned. “Shower first?”
“Of course, help yourself.”
He shook his head. “Oh no, not by myself.”
Grabbing my hand, he pulled me towards the bathroom with me giggling and giving up no resistance whatsoever.
***
The dreaded 30th of August rolled around and I called in sick to work. After dropping Aiden off at daycare, I went to the base and picked him up, stressed that my car was going to be seen around the base, as the prison camp was right next door. Riley was waiting for me out front and I drove off towards the park that was in the center of town.
I knew that dragging out the day would make it harder for him to leave, but I just had to do something special for him, because that was just how I was. I had an entire picnic basket, complete with red checked blanket, and I spread it out next to a manmade pond that had a spitting fountain in the center of it. The weather was warm but there was a cool breeze blowing, and as we sat and ate fried chicken and macaroni salad, I tried to engage him in conversation, but I could tell his mind was elsewhere.
After we’d eaten, I grabbed his hand and stroked the back of it with my fingertips. “I’m sorry you have to leave, but will you promise me something?”
The sea blue of his eyes bored into my green ones and he nodded. “What’s that?”
“Will you at least email or text me once a day to let me know you’re okay?”
He smiled with a twinkle in his eye. “Of course. As long as you send me care packages.”
I furrowed my brow. “Like what?”
He grinned. “I’ll email you a list.”
“Okay,” I said, kissing his hand.
He reached up and ran his finger along my jaw. “Let’s go back to your house. I want to spend the rest of the day with you.”
I shivered at his words and nodded. We packed up and drove back to my house. He had half my clothes off before I could even get the door closed and he was kissing me like he meant it.
“I’m never going to forget you, Cara,” he whispered in my ear as he wrenched off my bra and tossed it aside. “Will you wait for me until I get back?”
I stiffened in surprise, looking up at him. My lips were puffy and my cheeks red from whisker rash. “Are you for real?”
He looked confused. “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because you are going back to Colorado and I live here.”
He waved a dismissive hand and said, “Details. We’ll work them out when I get back. I promise.”
I shrugged and began kissing him again, but my mind was twirling with the possibility. I then decided to let it go and just enjoy the last day I had with him, and worry about it for the next nine months when I was alone and had nothing else to think about.
His touches were sweet and soft and he seemed to hold me a little bit tighter as we made love. He whispered sweet compliments in my ear and I returned them. My swelling heart that I had guarded so closely seemed to be ready to burst, and something told me that feeling really wasn’t going to stop soon.
Around five p.m. he showered and I drove him back to the barracks. This time I got out of the car, not caring who saw, and kissed him goodbye, long, and wet, yet soft, my hand clutching the camouflage hat he wore, not wanting to let it or him go.
He reached down and pulled my hand up to his lips and kissed my fingers. He gently dropped my hand and placed both palms over either side of my face and stared intently into my eyes. “I love you, Cara.”
I swallowed hard as tears leaked down my face and covered his hands. “I know. I’m going to miss you so much,” I whispered as I leaned against his chest and squeezed him tight.
He turned and I watched him walk into the building and could barely see through my tears as I climbed into my car and drove home. I cursed myself for allowing this kind, beautiful, perfect soldier boy to seep in through my skin and settle into my heart. That wasn’t supposed to happen, and yet here I was... heartsick and breathless. Now, I told myself, I had to live with the aftermath.
CHAPTER 14
As the next few months crawled by, I began to go out more and try to get back to the normal routine I’d had before Riley had crashed into my life and turned it upside down. Miranda had never been crazy about Riley and was expecting me to return things back to the way they’d been. She’d been casually dating Jace, the minor league baseball player, but he, too, was not around much, as he was out of town for games a lot.
“Hellooooo, Cara! Are you even paying attention to me?” Miranda’s voice and snapping fingers in front of my face broke me out of my daze.
“Huh? What?” I said, looking up into her annoyingly perfect face.
“Oh, my God, would you stop thinking about that guy! He’s a total player, girl.”
I shook my head and sighed. “Okay. So what were you saying?”
I looked around Cowboys and the place was packed. After quite a few weekends spent by myself alone, Miranda dragged me out of the house and made me go out with her. I was on my second rum and Coke and my head was fuzzy. Riley had been gone three months now, but he didn’t let me forget him. While the emails and texts weren’t daily, I got a few per week from him, and through these I learned more about him than I had while we’d been together. That’s one thing I’d discovered about him; he was the strong, silent type, but if you got him talking on a subject he liked, he would really let go. I also learned that he communicated his feelings better on paper than in person. I wasn’t sure if that made me happy or cautious. A little of both, I suppose – especially when he started using the L word more in these communications. I still couldn’t bring myself to say it back. It made it feel too real. It made him feel too real. I was supposed to forget about him and move on.
His favorite football team, the San Francisco 49ers, had made it into the playoffs and were looking good for the Superbowl and he asked me to go to a sports store and get him the NFC West Champions ball cap and hold on to it until we saw each other again. For some reason, this errand made me happy, as I felt like I was helping in some small, lame way. I suppose it made me feel as if we now had to meet when he got back, instead of just talking about it, as he didn’t want me to mail it to him overseas. I don’t know why, but I always had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that he would get back and not want to see me. That he’d forget me or be over me and ready to move on wit
h someone who lived closer to home. Someone prettier, younger, who didn’t have a child… The longer the list of insecurities became, the more I despised myself for even having them. I was already in a pit of self-loathing for falling for him to begin with, and here I was, pining over him, hoping he’d want to see me when he got back.
I was so damn pathetic. Pathetically whooped.
Every time I’d hear about servicemen being killed in Afghanistan I would freeze and hold my breath and pray it wasn’t him. I would spend a lot of my time at work searching the Internet with his name to see if he was okay when it had been more than a week since I’d heard from him. I told myself it was the only way I would hear anything. After all, who would notify me? Nobody on his base or his family even knew who I was. It would be up to me to discover it.
Then Riley would email or text or call and I’d breathe a sigh of relief. How do military wives live like this? How do they keep their sanity? There’s no way I could do this. I use to think I was strong. I’m a strong single mother, I used to tell myself. I can do this. But no, I’m not strong. I’m weak because I can’t handle not knowing if Riley was okay or not. What if he was just wounded and sent home? Lost a limb or was alive, but in a coma? These morbid thoughts would flit through my mind and settle in my gut until I heard from him again. It was no way to live.
Miranda grabbed my arm and pulled me to the dance floor when our favorite line dance came on. Still buzzing from the rum and Coke, and sad from my thoughts and memories, I pushed everything aside and plastered a smile on my face and decided to just dance. I closed my eyes and kept smiling and danced and laughed when I almost tripped over Miranda’s shoe and danced some more, trying to forget my melancholy. When we exited the dance floor, we went back over to the bar and ordered two shots of whiskey. I clinked mine with Miranda’s and we downed them, wincing.
“Hey, blondies.”
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