I climbed down from Daisy and led her to the campsite. Uriah was staring into the fire and didn’t notice me until I laid my hand on his shoulder. He looked up with red rimmed eyes and reached for my hand. I took it without hesitation, and he pulled me into his lap. I sat cradled in his arms as the sun dipped behind the bluffs. There were no words at first. He held me, using me as a shield against his pain.
By the time his grip softened, a bright swath of stars had filled the clear desert night sky. Far from any city lights, the white sparks were brilliant. Uriah laid back on the blanket, and I nestled against him, my head resting on his shoulder with his arm pulling me close to his side. I had worried about causing him anymore pain by being so close to him, but he was quick to tell me that in the face of losing his dad and the agony that brought him, he didn’t even notice how my closeness affected him. I was glad I wasn’t hurting him, but not for the reason behind it.
“Everything is so different now,” he whispered. “I wasn’t ready for this.”
“Nobody is ever ready, Uriah,” I said.
“He thought I was, but I’m not,” Uriah said. “That day, we were out with the sheep, checking their coats and getting ready to start shearing them. He had complained a few times about his arm being sore and feeling more tired than usual. I felt the same after all the work we had been doing so I didn’t really think about it too much.
“When he yelled for me from the barn, his voice was strained. I ran across the fields to him. I don’t even know how I heard him so far away, or how I got to him so fast, but what bothers me most is that I can’t remember what happened. The last thing I remember before Sophia shook me was pushing the barn door open. That’s it. I snapped back to reality and I was sitting on the ground with his head in my lap, crying.
“He had to have said something to me, told me what to do, or how to help, but I can’t remember any of it,” he said. His pain and frustration tightened his body a little as each word slipped out. “I’m sure he would have told me to take care of the ranch for him, and to take care of my mom, but it bothers me that I can’t remember for sure. What if he told me to do something else, and I don’t do it?”
“I can’t imagine there being anything more important to him right then than telling you he loved you and your mom. Even if he had asked you to do something else, you have enough on your plate right now to worry about. Uriah, I know it’s a lot, but you’re doing a great job taking care of everything, especially your mom,” I said.
“No I’m not, Claire. She’s so strong. She misses him, but she still makes it through the day and does what she needs to do. I can hardly get through the simplest chore without breaking down. I’ve been avoiding my mom so she won’t see me bawling like a baby. How is hiding in my room taking care of her, or you? I need someone to take care of me.”
Uriah was quiet for a moment, but I knew he had more to say.
“I’ve been avoiding you, too,” he said. “I don’t want you to see me like this, either. You tell me how strong I am, how you always know I’ll be there to help you, but I’m only proving how weak I am.”
“Uriah, nobody expects you to forget your dad’s death and move on like nothing happened. You’re doing your best, and that’s all anybody can ask. You can’t do anything more for your mom than you already are. She’s dealing with her grief and so are you. Don’t add to it by setting such high standards for yourself,” I said softly.
Usually I was the one asking him for help. I was the one who always needed someone to shake me and tell me to calm down. It felt odd having the tables turned on me, but I did my best to think of what he would have told me to do in the same situation. Uriah was usually so calm and sensible, my anchor. He had taught me so much. It was only because of the many times he had soothed my anger and hurt feelings that I was able to comfort him when he needed it.
“You’re doing the best you can. Nobody can ask for more than that,” I repeated. I turned his face so he was looking at me. “You are strong. You will get through this, but you don’t have to do it alone. I’m here for you Uriah. I’ll never leave, no matter what.”
Uriah was quiet again, but I could tell some of his doubt had been lifted. We held each other under the desert sky until we both drifted off to sleep. My last thought before falling asleep that night was how much I admired him and his mom. I would never be strong enough to survive if I lost Uriah. I was barely even strong enough to last one more day.
Astrid stamped her hoof and I realized that I had stopped brushing her. I began running the brush down her coat again. I wondered for the millionth time why Uriah hadn’t called the night before. Lina tried to hide her disappointment, saying that he must have been travelling or too busy to call. She was confident he would call this morning to let us know he was okay, if not where he was or what he was doing.
In his last phone call, he had said he would be back in a few days. A few days meant two, right? By my count his ‘few more days’ was up at the end of the day. I would give him until tonight. In all reality, I would give him forever if I could, but I was a hair’s breadth away from losing all control. If Uriah was not home by the end of the day, I didn’t want to wake up the next morning.
The dreams had gotten worse. The battle for my soul had stepped beyond glowing images of Daniel’s face to nightmares about what might happen if I didn’t give in. Most of the dreams warned me of how bad it would get if I didn’t join Daniel, the pain and fear and desperation, so strong that I ended up turning against Uriah, hating him for what he had made me do. In my heart I knew those to be lies, but the terror felt so real.
The worst had been the dream where I had actually chosen Uriah over Daniel easily. We married and had three beautiful children. We were happy, taking our children to the beach for the first time. That was where it happened. Uriah got up from the beach towel to get a drink when a woman walked by. A wild Frisbee came flying right toward her, and she jump out of the way, bumping right into Uriah.
I felt it the second they touched, the bond I had tried so hard to fight. I ran to Uriah, ready to help him fight, willing to stand by him no matter how much pain it caused. He turned and looked at me with a smile that froze my body. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. Then he simply turned and walked away. I was stranded on the beach, screaming his name, but he never came back.
Even remembering the dream had me sobbing again. My arms were draped over Astrid’s neck, tears darkening her chestnut coat. I tried to recapture the calm the animal had given me only a few moments ago, but I was beyond distraction by then. “I’m sorry, girl,” I whispered. Dropping the brush, I ran out of the stall, the new sun a gentle warmth on my skin.
I reached the house and started to pull the door open when the sound of raised voices stopped me. Sophia liked to boss people around, and did it frequently to Lina, but I quickly realized it wasn’t her voice I was hearing. The rough, irritated sound of Quaile’s voice halted me outside the door. Adobe walls weren’t the best for keeping the house warm in the winter, but they muffled sound wonderfully. I pressed my ear against the door and held my breath. Bits and pieces of their argument sank through the door to reach my ears. I listened raptly.
“…she keeps begging me to explain…knows I know something, Quaile.”
“It’s not your place…You promised me, Lina, and I expect…said no!”
“He’ll know soon enough…telling him will only…Claire deserves…”
“…make myself clear. Do not tell her anything!”
“What if you’re wrong about…?”
“You’ve trusted me with your…Don’t question…”
“But what if…”
“He’s not ready, yet! And neither is she.”
Quaile’s voice carried closer to the door as she demanded Lina not tell me anything. I scurried away from the house and hid behind a tree. Quaile was an old woman, but I still didn’t want to be caught eavesdropping on her. I had recently come to believe in power like hers quite strongly and really didn’t want to be on t
he receiving end of whatever she might want to dish out. It was the only chance I’d had to talk to her, since she left right after I woke, but as I watched her storm out and slam the door behind her, I knew it wasn’t the time to risk approaching her. My dad was looking better and better as a place for answers.
I waited until Quaile’s sedan pulled out of the driveway and drove far enough away that I couldn’t see her anymore before leaving the shelter of the tree. Watching her leave, I realized Sophia’s car wasn’t in the driveway either. No wonder Quaile had been so free to attack Lina. If Sophia had been there, she would have thrown Quaile out as soon as she started raising her voice. I had mixed feelings about Sophia being gone. If anyone could have helped me drag a few answers out of Lina, it would have been her. Although, after a dressing down from Quaile, Lina wasn’t likely to tell me anything, anyway.
Sighing, my feet carried me back up to the house. At least I knew for sure now that Lina did know something about Uriah. I wasn’t crazy for believing all my life that there was something unusual about him. I eased through the front door just as the phone started to ring.
Glancing around the room and finding it empty, I grabbed for the phone. I didn’t want the harsh sound drawing Lina out. I was sure it was Uriah and I wanted as long as possible to keep him to myself. I didn’t want to let Lina see that I had been crying again, either. If everybody believed I was strong, maybe that would make it true. I pressed the phone to my ear, praying Uriah would have the news I wanted to hear most.
“Hello?” I whispered, ducking into the kitchen.
“Claire?”
I nearly dropped the phone as the bond pounded up against me. “Daniel?” The name came out as a strangled yelp.
“Claire, I’m so glad you answered,” Daniel said.
His voice rang like alarm bells blaring in my head. A small portion of them were warning me to run, but the majority were screaming with joy. “How did you get this number?”
“Well, I tried your parents last night, but they said you weren’t home, and that I shouldn’t call back. I thought that if you weren’t home, you were probably at Uriah’s house. So I called,” he said simply. “I had to talk to you again. I have to see you. We have to meet somewhere.”
“Yes, I…,” My fingernails dug into the still fresh cuts. “I can’t, Daniel. I love Uriah. Please don’t… I love Uriah, not you.”
“What do you mean? Of course you love me. You love me like I love you. Every waking minute my head is filled with you. I know yours is filled with me too. It has to be,” Daniel said fiercely.
“Daniel, please.”
“Don’t, Claire,” he asked softly, “don’t ask me to leave you alone. I love you. I can’t imagine getting through another day without you. I feel like I’m missing a part of my soul being away from you. I need you to be with me.”
My hands trembled as I struggled to breathe. “I can’t really be what you want. This bond, it’s telling you to love me, but this isn’t how it should be, Daniel. You should fall in love, not be forced into it. I fell in love with Uriah. It’s real. Please understand that.”
“What does Uriah have that I don’t?” Daniel asked, pain radiating in every word. “Just tell me, Claire. I’ll change. I don’t care how my love for you formed. I don’t want to lose it. I’ll do whatever you want me to do. I have to be with you. Just tell me what Uriah has that I don’t and I’ll change.”
“My heart, Daniel. Uriah has my heart,” I said. It took a tremendous amount of strength to build up even the smallest amount of desire to refuse Daniel. I tried for anger, but I couldn’t manage even the tiniest amount. “What you feel for me isn’t real. What I feel for you isn’t real either.”
“But it is real. I know it is,” Daniel said. “I used to dream about you long before we ever met. How can you say we aren’t meant to be together?”
I sobbed in agony. Not telling him that I had dreamed of him as well was torture. The gods were telling me to give myself to him, but I just couldn’t. My silence hurt him deeply, and every bit of pain I caused him doubled back on me. Daniel’s voice softened even more, a perfect caress for my heartache.
“I love you,” he said. He was employing every ounce of sincerity a person could possibly contain. In that brief second, I believed him. He did love me. My heart struggled to remind me that his love was not the kind of love I was looking for.
“No you don’t, Daniel.”
“I do, Claire. I think about you constantly. I want to be near you. Not being with you, it…it hurts.”
I blanched at that. I didn’t want to hurt him. I would break the bond, no matter the cost, if I could, but I hated hurting him. Please come home, Uriah, I begged silently. “Daniel, you don’t even know me,” I said. He immediately started to object, but I cut him off with a question. “What do you love about me?”
“I…think you’re beautiful, Claire. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met,” he said.
My anger was suddenly much easier to find. “I said what do you love about me, not what do you love about how I look,” I said. My jaw was clenched tight in a familiar kind of frustration. “I am much more than that.”
“You didn’t let me finish, Claire,” Daniel argued. “That’s not the only reason I want to be with you, but I keep seeing your face every time I close my eyes. It was just the first thing that came to my mind. There’s so much more about you that I love.”
“You don’t know anything about me, Daniel,” I scoffed.
“I do. I know that you are strong and loyal, because you would never be trying to hold off the bond if you didn’t have strength and a fierce loyalty to Uriah. You’re kind. You’re trying not to hurt me even now when you really want to. You’re strong willed and wonderful. And I know you must be an amazing girl, the best, because Uriah loved you so much. I know this probably sounds strange coming from me, but even though I was only around Uriah for a few days, I got to see him do some incredible things. He was willing to die for you, Claire. I know you must be an amazing person because of everything he was willing to do to save your life.”
The beauty of what he said stole my control. I sobbed into the phone, barely keeping myself standing with how weak I felt. “If you really believe that about Uriah, then why are you trying to take me from him? You know how much he loves me.”
Daniel sighed. “Because you don’t belong with him, Claire. You belong with me.”
“No I don’t. Even what you just said, Daniel, those are only things you know about me because you were with Uriah, not because you actually know me,” I said. “Do you want to know what Uriah loves about me? He loves how adventurous I am. He loves how I’d rather wear blue jeans and help shear sheep than go shopping at the mall. He loves that I’ve read Pride and Prejudice eight times, and that I’ll read it many more. He loves how I can make him smile without even doing anything. He loves me, Daniel, not the idea of who I am, or must be.”
“But, Claire, I’ll learn all those things eventually,” Daniel said, pleading. “You’ll never have with Uriah what we can have together. We’re meant to be with each other.”
His words sank into me like a knife over and over again. He believed it so strongly. Part of me believed it, too. I was meant to be with him, but “meant to be” didn’t mean “had to be”. It was still a choice. I still had control over my life, I told myself firmly.
“Daniel, I refuse to let my father, fate, or the Twin Soul bond tell me who to love. That choice is mine. I won’t give it up.”
Daniel started back into his arguments, but I refused to listen. He was too close to convincing me. Pulling from deep inside of me, I found enough strength to say, “Daniel, don’t call me again, and don’t come here, please.”
I didn’t wait for him to agree or disagree. I hung up the phone and dropped it to the table, my hand shaking so badly I couldn’t hold it any longer. My legs couldn’t hold me anymore either. I sank to my knees, the bond crushing me to the floor. My mind screamed in rage.
Fires of anger and despair swept into my mind, consuming every other thought and feeling. Blackness was all that remained as I slumped to the floor.
24: Patience
“Master, we have finished searching. The girl was not found,” One said.
Not found? How could she not be found? the Matwau wondered. He had been so sure that the girl would be in one of the desert states near Uriah. She had to be in the desert, but even he had to admit that his allies would not have missed her if she had been where he had predicted. She had to be somewhere close. Uriah was too strong for the girl to have been born any further away from him.
“Master,” One said hesitantly, “if I could make a suggestion. There is one more state in the nearby area that we have not searched. What about Colorado?”
Colorado was not a desert state. He had excluded the state from the initial search for only that reason. What if he was mistaken? He had thought the desert was the key. When he glimpsed the moment Uriah would meet his Twin Soul, it had been in the desert. The girl had been stopped on the side of the road with a flat tire. The bleached sand had stretched out on every side with heat waves rolling off the black pavement.
Uriah’s old pickup truck had pulled up behind the girl. He stepped out of the vehicle, ready to offer his help. She was quick to accept his offer. A curious expression lit their features as they extended their hands toward one another. They touched and the glimpse dissipated. He had been sure that the desert was the key, but he had obviously been wrong. Fury at another misstep shook his body.
“I will lead the search. Gather everyone.”
One raced away, calling to the others. Within seconds, the twelve surrounded the Matwau. He did not bother to explain their course. One would see to that. The Matwau’s mind was focused on only one thing. He held the girl’s face in the front of his mind as he raced toward the Colorado border. The twelve spread out behind him, each one searching a large enough space that they would cover the entire state.
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