“I’m not discussing this here, but we will talk, Zoe.”
“Whatever you say, Romeo.” I stated with detachment. “What the fuck ever.”
THE ATMOSPHERE ON the plane was thick. My head was banging and I was exhausted. The guy’s and all the girls were slumped in seats asleep, Boss’s snores becoming irritating. Zoe had remained frozen to her seat, her eyes fixed on the clouds outside for the whole of the flight as she nursed her hangover. She had completely ignored me, refusing to listen and talking over me to the others. So I had given up. For now. When we arrived home, that would be different, I would make her listen to me.
“I’ve prepared a statement for you,” Julie spoke softly as she sank into the seat beside me and handed me a piece of paper. I scanned it and handed it back.
“It’s bullshit.”
“I know that,” she sighed, “but the world is expecting something from you. I don’t know what is going on Romeo, so I have had to work with what I have.”
“I don’t care what the world wants, it’s shit, all of it, fucking shit, Julie.”
“Well give me something then!” she was growing angry with me. She might as well join the others. “I can’t help you if you won’t let me.”
“It doesn’t matter. I don’t care.”
“Of course you care, you’re just coping with too much at the moment. When all this has blown over…”
“When all this has blown over,” I spat back angrily. “What the fuck will I have left? This will never blow over. Some bastard has it in for me. They have made it a mission to destroy me to save their own asses. But you know what?”
I shot out of my chair, angry with her, angry at everything. All eyes were now on me but fuck them all. “I – don’t – care! I’m done. I’m done with everything.”
I spun round to Brent who was watching me warily. “I quit. I don’t even want this fucking shit anymore.” I then turned to Zoe. “I wanted you. You were it for me, Zoe. The whole fucking world. I love you. Yeah, I’ve fucked up.”
She remained still, her mouth as tight as her gaze but her eyes were finally on me.
“I don’t want this.” I gestured around me to the plane, the band, my life. “It’s nothing compared to you. You hate me, and I get that, I do. But you know something. When you got pregnant, I never hurt as much in my whole life as I did when you told me it wasn’t mine. But it wasn’t you that hurt me, it was me. I hurt myself, my life hurt me. I knew right then that I had been a fool but it was too damn late to make it right. You’d moved on. I had lost you but I never blamed you, never.”
“Romeo,” Nick took my hand but I brushed him off.
“No. Just…” I flung up my hands, shaking my head at them all. “You’re my friends, my family. Yet none of you have even given me a chance. You’ve all decided that I’m the bad guy in all this. I know what you all think, that I dumped my wife and kid and moved on, pretending I don’t have a son.”
“Romeo, please…”
“Nick, this has nothing to do with you.”
He stared at me. “It has everything to do with me!”
“Look. I know how you feel about me…”
“It isn’t that…”
“But you should know, I care about you too.” His eyes widened on me. “But right now isn’t the time to discuss it. My life is in pieces because some fucking prick, someone who you probably used to work with dived too deep into my life.”
“Romeo… listen to me…”
“Well when I find out who did this…”
“IT WAS ME!” he screamed at me. “It’s my story.” He closed his eyes, pain and guilt glaring back at me when he reopened them. “I ran the story, Romeo.”
I WONDERED IF a hole had been blown in the plane when the air seemed to disintegrate from my lungs, leaving me breathless and wheezing. All eyes were on me. But I wasn’t concerned about any other than Romeo’s and Zoe’s.
“I gave them the story, Romeo. I did but I’m not sorry and you need to listen to me.”
I had expected him to lay me out. What I didn’t expect however was for Bulk to launch himself at me. My nose crunched under his knuckles, blood and agony exploding in my eyes when he threw another punch to my face.
“Shit Bulk!” Spirit screamed as she pulled him off me. Realising it was Spirit behind him, calmed him down but I could practically eat the tension emanating from all the others. They were like rabid greyhounds, waiting for the hare to burst free, or in this case waiting for Romeo to give them the go ahead to kill me. The only calm person was Romeo, and Zoe who still sat frozen and immune to everything around her.
“We need to talk.”
Romeo was still stood looking at me, stunned and confused. I didn’t blame him, I was the same after the email.
“Why would you do that?” His voice was quiet, his tone full of hurt. The look in his eyes was full of so much disappointment and sadness that it had me second guessing myself and wondering if I had actually done the right thing.
“Not here.”
“Here!” he hissed back. His tone was now cold, full of acid and hatred.
I squeezed my fists, attempting to kill the spool of nausea that was making my stomach toss. My skin prickled, like millions of insects were burying inside me and making a dash for every organ in my body as each one stuttered with pain. My chest felt too tight and I broke out in a sudden sweat. Everything blurred and swayed as a white mist descended across my vision and my throat closed in until I was clawing at my neck attempting to tear a hole though my flesh to help me breathe.
And then I just went down.
Like a dead man.
1 week later
THE PAIN IN my chest was too much. I couldn’t sit there and watch when the curtains pulled across and Nick was finally gone. Why the fuck did they use red curtains? It made me think of Hell. Nick didn’t deserve to be enclosed in hell. He was a good guy. He was one of the good ones.
Jen clasped my hand when my breathing stuttered. Nick’s mother’s wail broke my heart and I bit my tongue to contain the despair that was trying to claw its way out of me. I was being ripped in half, my breastbone unable to contain the frantic swell of my heart.
This was so wrong. Life was so wrong. He had just… just died, just dropped dead on the plane, right in front of us. Bulk had blamed himself of course, thinking it was because he had hit him but then when the post-mortem revealed he’d been poisoned we were all… I don’t know what I thought. What I felt. Daniel then blamed himself and I hadn’t seen him since.
I blinked when Jen squeezed my hand and looked up. The congregation were filing out, some stupid classical music playing in the background while Nick was being turned to ash. I felt sick. Angry and sick. Fucking angry and fucking sick.
“Stay with me, treacle,” Jen whispered when she sensed my fury. “Just a bit longer, babe and you’re home dry.”
I clenched her hand, praying and taking her support when we shimmied down the line, a chorus of ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ and ‘Nick was a great boy, Mrs Sharpe’ ringing out and driving me fucking insane.
I couldn’t wait to get away. My bags were packed ready, well they would be when I found my passport. Adam had been lenient after everything and had signed the papers I needed to take Jakob out of the country and had been looking after him while I got my head together. My flight was in two days and I just wanted to hide beneath the covers like I had done in the previous week and wait for the final two days to pass.
I missed Daniel. I needed him. Needed him to hold me, help me make sense of it all. I knew he felt the same about Nick as I did, and I knew he too was hurting as much as me, but I didn’t have the strength right then to sort through my own shit, never mind a man who had betrayed me so entirely. After Nick’s death and Daniel’s lies, I didn’t have the energy to get myself out of bed never mind deal with the heartache.
“I’m so sorry,” I managed to say when I came to stand in front of Mrs Sharpe.
She tilted her h
ead, studying me then her eyes widened slightly. “Zoe. You were at the hospital.”
I nodded trying my best to give her a smile. “I was.”
“I remember you now.” She took my hand, sliding her thumb over my knuckles. I was amazed at her strength. I couldn’t help but picture myself and how I would be if I ever lost Jakob. “I’m sorry,” she continued, “I wasn’t quite with it that night. Nick, he mentioned you.”
I stared at her, not sure what she meant. “I’m sorry?”
She smiled softly at me. “He told me how you met, in the supermarket car park, how you bumped his car with your trolley.”
I chuckled, remembering. “Yes.”
She nodded and giggled, leaning forward and whispering in my ear. “He returned your tampons.”
“He did.” A choked laugh erupted from me and I pressed my hand to my mouth. She took it back, holding it tight and trying to stop the shaking for me as her own eyes filled with fresh tears. “He felt a lot for you my dear.” She winked and my knees buckled.
Jen was beside me instantly, embracing my waist and holding me up as my grief finally decided it wanted to be liberated. “I…” I swallowed, forcing back the pain and blew out a breath. “Nick was a very funny, very caring and beautiful man, Mrs Sharpe. And…” I snivelled, turning to Jen to thank her when she passed me a tissue. “And I had hoped that… that I could have got to know him a lot better because I have a feeling he had so much more inside. I could have fallen in love with him so very easily.”
She closed her eyes for a moment, her husband sliding his arm around her shoulder when he felt her heartache. She reopened them and gazed softly at me. “He told me that he had fallen already.” I pressed my eyes together. “You and another man.”
Snapping my eyes open, I stared at her. She showed no repulsion and I appreciated how she accepted her son for who he was. I nodded. “I’m afraid Daniel didn’t feel strong enough to be here today. He blames himself Mrs Sharpe.”
She waved her hand, dismissing my apology. “I understand. But you must make him understand that it isn’t his fault. The police are investigating and I have utmost faith in their ability to find whoever is responsible for killing my son.” Her tone became bitter towards the end and I choked back the bile that surged up my throat.
Nick’s father took my hand and pressed something into my palm. Opening my fingers I found a small key. “To his apartment,” he explained.
I frowned then narrowed my eyes on him. “You think I can help?”
He shrugged, his red rimmed eyes holding mine as if he was pleading with me. “The police have finished now. If you can… I don’t know, take a look around. You and your friend were with him a lot before… well, I have no idea what was going on in his life but I know he was fighting against something, something big. His job was everything to him, and he quit over something he found out, so I know it was important to him.”
“I’m not sure…”
“Please, Miss Linkin, anything you think might help. You and your friend, just take a look around, see if you can find anything to do with what he was working on.” His desperation broke my heart. I nodded, promising something I wasn’t sure I could follow through with but for their son, for Nick, I would try my best.
I WAS HUNGRY. The angry growl in my stomach confirmed the fact. I wasn’t sure when I had last eaten. Fuck, I wasn’t sure what day it even was.
I was sick and tired of hearing the doorbell. The constant ringing of my phone had only stopped when I had thrown it against the wall then stamped on the fucking thing.
I was out of alcohol and it was only the fact they I refused to leave my house that I hadn’t been out and bought more. Online shopping was a godsend though, and I was awaiting a delivery right at that moment. Although they were fucking late and my jaw hurt from where I had clenched it to relieve the pressure of being sober.
Being drunk was the only way I could stop the incessant chant in my head. He was dead. Because of me. He had been killed. Because of me. Someone had killed him. Because of me. He had loved me. I had loved him. And now, now he was gone. Forever. Without him knowing how I felt about him.
I needed Zoe. I needed her comfort, her arms around me, holding me tight. She would be hurting as much as me. I knew how she felt about Nick too. But I couldn’t face the funeral. I didn’t want to accept that my life had took him to the place where he was now.
My hands and legs shook and I clung to the worktop to stop myself from falling to the floor. I couldn’t let the devastation out, it would cripple me, drown me under the ferocity of it.
Nothing made sense. Why Nick had ran the story about Ann and Harry. Why someone had poured a toxin so powerful into him that it had literally dissolved all the organs inside his body. Why someone had killed Penny. Why I was being used as a scapegoat for Alan Francis’ fuck ups, or even what his fuck up was and what Penny had found out. I knew I had to delve into it myself because according to Nick, the cops were in as deep as his boss was.
The thought that Zoe was in danger filtered across my mind. My lungs clenched and my whole body broke out in goosebumps, fear clawing at my chest and drawing the lining of my stomach up my throat. Shit! Why hadn’t I thought about it before?
“Fuck!”
I raced up the stairs, pulling on any clothes that I could find, not caring that my socks didn’t match or I had to forego underwear when I couldn’t find any clean, I just needed to get to her. Make sure she was okay.
I was stupid. Penny and Nick were dead because of me. The thought that Ink was in danger should have been at the forefront of my mind but I’d pushed her away, pushed away the hurt that she wouldn’t listen to me, and that she had chosen to cut me out of her life so easily instead of giving me the chance to explain.
I was aware, as I phoned for a taxi, that she probably wouldn’t want to see me, but she didn’t have a choice. There was no way I was leaving her and Jakob alone when some fucking maniac was hell bent on destroying my life, using the people close to me as diversions.
I knew she was going to Miami, I wasn’t sure when but Boss had told me she hadn’t left yet, that she was waiting until after Nick’s funeral. Apparently Adam had given his blessing for her to take Jakob with her. But I knew she wouldn’t leave. She couldn’t leave.
I smiled when I opened the kitchen drawer and took out her passport, wondering whether she had realised that I’d pilfered it from her knicker drawer yet. My smile grew when I stroked my finger across her photo. “Hey beautiful,” I whispered.
A car horn blasted outside and I stuffed the passport back into the drawer, sliding it under the cutlery tray.
“It’s time to talk, baby. And you’re gonna listen whether you like it or not.”
MY WHOLE BODY shook as I focussed on the outline of him through the frosted glass of the door, the porch light illuminating his shape.
“Let me in Zoe. Now!” His fist pounded the wood again. I dropped my forehead to the door. He was so close. I needed him like never before but I still couldn’t forgive him. He’d hurt me so much and I didn’t know which way was up, left, right or down at that moment, my hormones and thoughts confusing the hell out of me.
“Baby.” His voice was quiet through the door, but I heard his pain, his grief and sorrow. The silhouette of his hand pressed against the glass, the outline of his fingers overlaying my own when I placed mine over the top.
“Let me in, Zoe, please.” He dropped his forehead to mirror mine, his breath misting the window with condensation. “I’m… I’m not doing so well. I need you. I need you, Ink, like never before.”
“Daniel…”
“It hurts, baby. It hurts so fucking much. I don’t know what to do to make it stop. It’s tearing me in two. The pain... Fuck, I’ve never...”
His body slid down the door, his sobs as black as his shadow, the sound of his heartache ripping my soul from me.
“I…”
“I’m so sorry, Ink. I… fuck, I know I should have told you.
But Ann, my… my wife… Christ, Zoe, let me in, I can’t do this here, your fucking neighbour, the one with the dodgy eye is watching me through the curtain… although, he may actually be looking at the guy across the road with the dog, I’m not quite sure, but I definitely think he’s…”
He stared at me when I opened the door. He was on his knees, looking up at me with tears streaming down his face. He gave a small gasp, his face scrunching up and shuffled forwards, his knees scraping on the floor until he was clutching my legs. His arms wrapped around my thighs tightly, his fingers grabbing for me as he sunk his face into my stomach and cried.
The sound of him breaking had me falling to my knees with him, my own embrace as tight and needy as his.
“Fuck, baby. I don’t know how to stop the pain, it’s crippling me. This agony inside… it’s unreal, I feel like he took me with him. Why are they doing this? Why? What the fuck did I ever do wrong for God to hate me this much?”
I pulled him back, moving us further into the hallway when Bob across the road peered from behind his curtain watching us. Kicking the door closed with my foot, I sank my fingers into his hair and held onto him, both of us using each other as a crutch and letting it go.
“Daniel, I…”
Ignoring me, he clambered onto my lap, holding onto me harder as though I was the air his lungs needed to work, or the food that fed his life force. But I was neither.
“I love you, Ink, so fucking much. And I’m scared. I’m terrified they’ll get to you too, you and Jakob…”
“Shush, they won’t…”
He looked up at me. The sight of him so damaged had all my resilience shattering with the need to make it all alright for him, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t give him what he needed because I wasn’t God, I couldn’t bring Nick back, just as much as I couldn’t mend the fragmented pieces of him.
“I don’t know what I’d do if…” He swallowed the rest of the sentence, the pain of his graphic imagination strangling him.
“They won’t hurt me, Daniel.” I palmed his face, holding him and making him see me. “I promise. I won’t let them.”
Finally Heaven (Room 103 Book 4) Page 16
