Daniel went and helped himself to a whisky, downing it in one then threw the glass into the fire raging in the hearth, making us all jump. “Why didn’t you just terminate, just kill me if you didn’t want me?”
His bitterness tore my heart out. He was so angry but he was so hurt and tender from the truth.
Jillian shook her head sadly. “You’ll never understand Daniel. I wanted you so much but it felt wrong to enjoy you, to love you. You were created out of secrets and pain and to love you would have felt like I accepted what Alan, and me and your father, had done. Received something good out of something that was so wrong.” She smiled up at him. “You were such a good baby. You were happy and quiet, so easily consoled. It broke my heart more each day to see you grow into something so beautiful and full of life. You were a reminder of the pain, of the money, of my failures… of him.”
“Jillian,” I spoke quietly, aware of the threads that were fraying around me so very quickly. “That’s just it. Daniel wasn’t created out of pain or money or anyone’s failures. He was given to you, by some miracle, I don’t know, but he was the only good thing to be granted from all the bad. Someone, somewhere was aware of your pain and your grief and they gave you something that could lessen all that. They gave you a gift in the time that you so very much needed it. Daniel is a gift. He is the most caring, funny, generous, loving man. He is nothing, nothing like his father. If he were made from hate then he would be a completely different person to who he is, but he isn’t. He is capable of so much love, there isn’t an ounce of malice in him. And despite all your pushing away, he still held on, for thirty years for the one time that you would give him that little bit of love. Daniel isn’t at fault, nor are you or Brian. This is Alan Francis and I can tell you now that he will get his own form of compensation.” I took her hand as she stared at me. “He will pay, Jillian, I promise.”
“He came back,” she whispered as though she was frightened of someone hearing. “Three weeks ago.”
I tipped my head and narrowed my eyes. “Here?”
She nodded. “He was angry. He said someone had found out, had been snooping. He thought we’d spoken to someone. He didn’t even know who you were, about anything in your life.” She looked at Daniel, her eyes softening and a soft smile gracing her usual stern features. “Brian grew angry, and told him how well you had made your life. That whatever all three of us had done to destroy him he had battled life and made something of himself. He didn’t even know you were in a famous band.”
And then it made sense.
“Well,” I said, “he does now and he proceeded to find out everything about Daniel. But that doesn’t matter. Things are in place, Jillian. Friends are at this very moment bringing Alan Francis to justice. But I need your help. I need you to stand up and tell them, tell them everything.”
Her eyes widened and she shook her head. “I can’t. He said…”
“He said what?” Daniel spoke up this time.
“He said he would hurt you if we ever told anyone, he would let the world know all your secrets. Ruin your career and ruin any chance you had of any happiness,” Brian finished quietly.
Something popped inside my heart and I couldn’t stop the tears or the relief. I squeezed Jillian’s hand and nodded to her. “For Jakob, my son, I would hide my life if it meant keeping him safe. And I know that is exactly what you have done for Daniel all these years. I understand that. You say you don’t love him, but that right there, what you just said, that is the love we have for our children. We will go through hell to keep them safe and that is exactly what you have done. But now, now it’s time to stand up and tell the world exactly how much you love him. You need to fight for him Jillian, because he needs you to. Now is not about what you need, or what Alan needs, it time to stick up for your family.”
“I…”
“Nick came to see you as well, didn’t he?”
When she nodded, Daniel gasped. “What the…”
I smiled and lifted my face to the ceiling. “Well played, Nick.” I hadn’t meant to speak out loud but Daniel peered at me like I was crazy. “He played all Alan’s cards, Daniel. Gave him nothing left to hurt you with. He ran the story because he knew that Jillian and Brian would try and keep everything secret, therefore guaranteeing their silence. But if there was nothing left, they have nothing to hide anymore.”
Daniel’s mouth fell open and he stared at his parent’s, one then the other. “You knew what happened with Ann and me?”
“Of course we knew,” Brian offered. “And we both knew what it would do to your career if it ever got out. When everything was in the paper we were scared to death. We knew that Alan had done it as a warning. That’s why we sent you away because we knew that Alan would think that there was nothing left to hold against you, that he would hurt you if he thought we had the upper hand now.”
Daniel smiled, then laughed, my heart swelling for him. “Well bloody hell.”
Brian and Jillian didn’t laugh though, Jillian lowered her eyes. “He still has one more though.”
Brian glared at her but she shook her head. “If we are going to do this then we need all the cards on the table.” She looked up at Daniel. “Freddy James.”
Daniel blanched and stared at her. “You know?”
Brian huffed and rolled his eyes. “Why do you keep asking if we know things about you, you’re our son, of course we know.”
“Freddy James?” I asked, completely lost.
Jillian blew out a quick breath and my brows lifted when her lip curled. “Nasty piece of work he was. Had a thing for Ann.”
“Ahh,” I nodded. “The fight?”
“Yeah,” Brian puffed his chest out. “Deserved everything he got. Raped numerous girls back in the nineties…”
“And boys,” Daniel cut in.
Brian’s eyes closed and he nodded. “Yes, and boys. Glen?”
Daniel nodded. I took hold of his hand when he perched on the edge of the sofa next to me. “Glen had told one of his friends about what happened between me and him. Freddy got to hear about it.”
“And he raped Glen?” I asked, a shiver racking my body.
Daniel scoffed. “Well he didn’t himself, he used other things to do it with. Completely fucked Glen up and I never saw him again.”
“Oh god…”
“Couldn’t believe it when Sal told me who I was fighting that night.” His eyes misted over as though he was back in the ring that night. “Stupid fool thought he was invincible. Still remember his face when he saw me climb under the ropes.” He shook his head and smiled. “Thought, as he so stupidly said, because I liked to take it up the ass I wasn’t capable of giving fist. The idiot didn’t know when to shut up, kept goading me, saying how much Glen had screamed. I don’t know what happened. One minute I threw a punch, the next there was uproar. Sal jumped in, got me out of there. Covered for me, paid off who needed paying off. I owe him. And he was gracious enough to let me go. Couldn’t do it after that. I hated the bastard for what he did to Glen, but to kill him. I…”
“I’d have made it more painful,” I spat with disgust. Jillian and Brian nodded in agreement. Daniel rolled his eyes at me. I grinned.
Turning back to Jillian, I smiled. “Well, that’s sorted then.”
She frowned at me. “There is still the matter of this getting out.”
“Oh I wouldn’t worry.” Daniel and I chuckled. “It’s Daniel’s old boss who is currently sorting out Alan Francis.”
Her eyes widened. “The man who covered for you?”
Daniel nodded. “Yeah, got his own personal vendetta against Alan, plus he has friends in very high places. He’s E’s, she’s…”
“Married to Jax, yes we know,” his Mother finished for him when he started to explain who E was, giving me reason to smile again. Seems they weren’t that indifferent to what went on in Daniel’s life.
“Yeah, he’s E’s dad’s friend. Complicated.”
“So will you testify if we n
eed you to?” I asked Jillian. She looked at Brian, her face full of worry. Then she looked at Daniel, a look of complete and utter remorse on her face. But then she nodded.
“Yes.” The word was so simple but with it came a ton of emotion. She leaned forward and took Daniel’s hand. “I’m so, so sorry. Zoe is right, you were the gift that came from the pain. And I should have seen that, taken that and built my life with you in the very centre.”
“Well.” I could sense the tightness in the atmosphere. “There’s is still time. Families are there to the bitter end. And there’s plenty of time to find that again. Besides,” I leaned in and whispered to her. “Daniel is retiring from the band and I have just seen a lovely little cottage round the corner from here.”
Her eyes widened and a huge smile lifted her whole face as she turned to Daniel. “You’re coming back to Huddersfield?”
He nodded. “I’m marrying this amazing woman. I’ll introduce you soon.” I slapped him and everyone laughed. “And she has an amazing little boy who is going to call me daddy. We’re going to have a Weimaraner…”
“No!” I spouted. “We’re having a Bichon Frise. I can’t cope with another large dog, Henry takes up all the sofa as it is.”
“I’m not having a pissy dog!”
My mouth fell open. “They are not pissy dogs, they’re sweet and cuddly…”
“Think again, baby.”
“You’re just mean…”
“Coffee anyone,” Jillian cut in with a laugh.
“Put something nasty in Daniel’s!” I requested making her laugh harder.
Daniel gripped the back of my neck and pulled me close, whispering in my ear, “Make it worth my while and I’ll negotiate on the dog.”
A sly smile curled my lips. “Make it worth my while and I might be able to find a nice little strap on.”
“Bichon Frise it is!”
FOUR MONTHS LATER
“You’re there, seen from the stars,
Peaceful dignity with so much quiet misery.
Trying to hold on, to breathe.
Just stay and don’t ever leave.
I’m beggin’ ya’, ya’ need to believe.
But if you’re going through hell, keep going,
Cos’ you’re just shocking heaven.
Shocking heaven,
And shaming angels.
Cos’ you’re just screaming in silence.
Bringing me to my knees,
With each of your silent pleas.
You’re near, touching my mind,
Forever seeing with so much abandon.
Trying to take back, to live,
I’ve not much more to give.
But I’m beggin’, make me believe.
“You’re here, inside my soul,
Brutal caress with so much tender slaughter.
Trying to break free, to run.
Don’t leave me when you’re done.
I’m beggin’ ya, don’t fire the damn gun.
But we’re trying to carry on and love,
Gently fighting against each other for the passion.
Linking together as one, no more lonely souls,
And now we’re shocking heaven, just shocking heaven.”
“If you’re going through hell, keep going,
Keep going, keep going,
Don’t ever stop, never stop,
Keep going, keep going.”
Singing that song had never been so painful. I smiled out to the crowd, my parent’s proud and happy faces beaming back at me. My mum had kept her word and testified against Alan Francis. With Sal’s help, he had been put down for a very, very long time, the exposure of Penny’s death, numerous rapes and underhand dealings helping to secure a lengthy prison sentence.
I’d kept my word and given him one more fight, amazed at how easy it had come back, the fire and anger helping me to put down my opponent in around four minutes. The fact that Zoe was watching kind of gave me a need to show off. She’d loved it, fucking loved it and had screwed me so hard afterwards that I wondered if I should keep it up and put my name down for a few more fights.
Each of the guy’s, when I had told them that I wanted out, had agreed with me, surprising me when they had said they wanted the exact same thing. We’d all had enough. We all had families to concentrate on now. We all wanted our lives back. Brent hadn’t been happy but at the end of the day, he’d understood. Jax needed to concentrate on E and get her through her chemotherapy. Boss wanted to see his new set of twins grow up after missing out on so much of Vinnie and Issy’s lives. Bulk and Spirit were moving out to America, both of them planning on opening a rehabilitation centre for drug users. And me, well I wanted to watch my woman’s belly grow with the baby that was growing healthily in her. We’d found out a month ago that Zoe was pregnant, and I couldn’t have been happier, especially knowing that I was going to be there and help and that Jakob and Harry, who was now in my life, had a little brother or sister to protect and love.
And we’d come home. All four of us. Back to Huddersfield, where it had all began. We’d walked into Z bar on the spot, not wanting to advertise for risk of it getting out of hand but Rod had made some discreet calls, and all our old fans had flooded the place. That in itself was simply breath-taking.
And here we now stood, all four of us, in a line, on a stage that meant so very much to us.
We stared out at the crowd, our hands clasped, our souls connected, our hearts linked and our tears flowing as one.
I looked out, my eyes soaking up the room, engraining to memory this final memory. My chest squeezed so tight I was struggling to breathe.
Jax nodded firmly, his voice scratchy and tight as he lifted his hands, each of us joining him, our arms slowly raising one by one.
“Z BAR!” The room exploded in whistles and cheers. “Room 103 gave you some fucking Allure. But you…”
He looked around the room, taking in the silence that had descended, the faces that watched us with heartache, the broken tears of each and every single fan driving a stake through each of our hearts. “You gave us some fucking love. You gave us your hearts. You each gave us a piece of your soul. And we carry it with us, forever. You brought us to life.”
The crowd roared as each of us choked out a sob.
“Guys and babes. We are Room 103.” He paused, dragged in a breath and blew it out slowly.
“And we bid you a goodnight.”
Two years later
‘HI. WELCOME TO Zoe’s birthday party. Sorry about the noise. I hope you can still hear me over the karaoke that Boss thinks is insane. Fucking hell, you wouldn’t think he used to sing for a living the way he rocks that mic. And since Jen bought him the drum kit for the Xbox, well… yeah you can imagine. Although we were all quite proud when we loaded up the game and Shocking Heaven was only fucking on there. Respect.
Can you hear Jakob? Driving me nuts he is. He’s discovered something new that makes his mother putty in his hands. ‘Love you.’
Oh yeah, amazing what he can accomplish when he widens his eyes on her and says those little words. Jesus, how she coos at him, her hands flapping excitedly as she turns to me. “Did you hear, baby. Did you hear him?”
Of course I bloody heard him. It’s all he says since he discovered the chocolate biscuits that are hidden in the cupboard.
Crafty little bugger he is. Although, I must admit, when he turns to me and says “Daddy, rock it!” Well, I’m gone. He thinks that drawing all over himself makes him like his Dad. Zoe is not impressed, let me tell you, when I high five him with every little perfect tattoo he shows me.
Harry’s over this weekend for the party, with Danny, his boyfriend. That’s him holding Amelia, my stunning baby girl. He’s a good kid, dotes on Harry so he’s okay in my eyes. I’m gonna miss him when he goes out to uni. But good on him. He wants to make something of his life then I’m all for it.
“Baby… the burgers need turning!”
Why is it always the men that work the ba
rbeques? I’ve never understood that.
Well, I suppose I better get the burgers flipped. But what I invited you over for is to say thank you, really. Been quite the adventure hasn’t it. Some sad, some good, and some abso-fucking-lutely amazing.
Look at her, my woman. She’s so damn perfect, so fucking incredible. Her acceptance of me is simply awe inspiring. She accepts the bi side to me so easily. We’ve had a few flings with men, but so far, nobody has taken the place what Nick had. I miss him, every day. But I’m also so proud of him. He loved me enough to put his own life at risk. I will never forget that, never forget him. He’s with Zoe and me every day. Every time she has a period and pulls out her tampons does the biggest smile light her face. We don’t mourn, we remember and we hold onto the good parts. It’s how we need to be because otherwise, what’s the point. If we allowed the grief to swallow us, then Nick died for nothing.
Oh Bulk’s here now. He wants a quick word. So ladies and gents, thank you. Thank you for telling me to hold the fuck on when things got rough because you were right, it was all worth it. Ignore my smile, it’s not as sad as it looks. I’m just feeling damn grateful for my family. All of them. My mum and dad are now in my life all the time. My woman and my kids are what gives me the courage to breathe every day. But the guy’s, the guy’s are my brothers. And you, you will always remain in my heart for holding me up and giving me your hearts.
Thank you, every one of you.
Goodnight
“SPIRIT! GET OFF…” Oh hi. Sorry two minutes.
Right sorry about that. Fuck. Listen to the way my hand cracks her ass.
Anyway. Can you hear me? Damn Boss, he’s killing Gloria Gaynor. You’ll have to excuse me, had quite a bit to drink so I might be slurring a bit. God, it’s good to be home for a while. The centre is doing really good. Spirit is amazed at how many users we’ve seen come hung up and high and gone clean and hopeful. We can’t help everyone, we know that but for each one we see get their life back, it’s worth all the hard work.
Finally Heaven (Room 103 Book 4) Page 20
