‘Believe me … it has its scary moments.’ I could see Rowan still wasn’t satisfied with my answer, so I elaborated slightly. ‘Do you not find the grief and the pain scary?’
‘Oh! I sort of see what you mean …’
I doubted she could. ‘Your scariest film?’ I prompted, somewhat tentatively.
‘Salem’s Lot – most definitely!’ She could tell from my look I didn’t know the film. I didn’t tend to watch them. I was only aware of Psycho because of an Alfred Hitchcock night James had somehow got me to attend back in the 1960s. ‘It’s Stephen King, about vampires, and scared me stupid!’
And if that wasn’t bad enough, Rowan chose to expand. ‘It’s seriously the most disturbing thing I’ve ever watched; it gave me nightmares for months. After I’d watched it – I was probably twelve or thirteen – I couldn’t even go to my bedroom window to pull the curtains when it was dark outside. I had to get Aunty Hetty to do it – or make sure I’d already pulled them before sunset. I was absolutely terrified …’ She paused. ‘Are you okay, Nate?’
Far, far from it. My face was obviously revealing more than I would have liked, despite my attempts to make it appear blank. I forced a smile I knew couldn’t possibly be reflected in my eyes so looked down at my almost untouched plate of food. There wasn’t a hope of stomaching that right now. ‘Favourite place in the world?’ I murmured.
‘I haven’t been to as many places as I’d have liked.’ She pondered, as I gave myself a good talking to. This was a way to find out more about the woman … I loved. But I was beginning to think James was right when he called me a masochist. After finishing another forkful of potato, she continued, ‘I’d love to take off around the world, but it’s not that easy when you have bills to pay and, to be honest, it’s not the same if you aren’t sharing it with someone …’ How I wished we could. ‘… Umm. Although the company wasn’t great, I did love Prague. And of course I love Bath and London, although I know they probably don’t count. And yours?’
‘I like Prague, too,’ I agreed, although I suspected I had had more of a bird’s-eye view of it than Rowan. Forcing focus, I gauged my favourite place in the world would depend on where Rowan was. Currently, it was a table in this restaurant. But if I thought of Rowan in every place I had ever been, that should provide me with the answer. ‘Ridings, I think, is my favourite place.’ Would I ever get a chance to show it to her?
‘You haven’t been drinking tonight, Nate. So, what’s your favourite drink?’
I swallowed hard and focused intently on my cutlery. Under the table, my hands flexed and un-flexed upon my thighs. I couldn’t answer this one. There was not a hope.
‘Nate?’ Rowan prompted.
‘What do you think it is?’ I asked quietly.
‘Well, it couldn’t be as controversial as your food choice!’ She giggled.
I smiled meekly.
‘I know you don’t like bubbles … I see you as a claret man.’
Claret had once been my drink of choice. When, that is, I had been a suitable dinner companion for Rowan. Not that it had been the easiest drink to source due to wars between England and France – but neither had good brandy, my other favoured drink. I inclined my head slightly and forced myself to ask another question. ‘What is your—?’
‘No! My go, Nate – please?’ she begged. ‘I’ve got a great one!’
I found myself unable not to smile at her enthusiasm and conceded with a bow of my head.
‘What’s your bucket list … the five things you’d most like to do before you die?’ she asked excitedly.
I felt colder than I had ever before felt. Of all the questions! I tried to keep the smile on my face, but couldn’t prevent it from slipping. I tried to disguise my pain and looked anywhere but at Rowan.
I wanted to be able to die – more than anything else – because it would mean I could have a mortal life with Rowan. If I could die, I wanted to marry her – and I would not take no for an answer; to give into my – no, our physical needs, and to satisfy her, as Nathaniel Gray the man; to see our children run around Ridings; to grow old together, and I wanted us to fulfil together whatever was on her wish list, which was now my wish list, too.
But I was dead already, despite feeling more alive since meeting Rowan, than I had ever felt before. This was a complete and utter nightmare. This was horror at its best.
‘I have not thought about that one before,’ I murmured. ‘What about you?’ My voice somehow managed to sound neutral.
But actually, this was the last question I ever wanted Rowan to answer. Yes, I wanted to know what she wanted to do with her life, but the mere mention of her death? I was overwhelmed with a sense of despair so staggeringly great that I felt it was consuming my whole being. Rowan’s answer to the question, however, brought me abruptly to a point where functioning was required.
‘I’ve actually thought about this one! I want to snorkel with turtles, trek the Himalayas, cruise down the Nile; visit a real rainforest and see the whales in South Africa – all holding hands with someone I love more than life itself! Bet you didn’t think you’d get an answer that quickly, did you?’
I felt ice cold. It wasn’t her list which was the problem, for I would do anything to be able to fulfil that with her, but what she had said to begin with. ‘Why have you been thinking about that, Rowan?’ I asked slowly. She refused to meet my eyes.
Looking awkward and now fiddling with the cutlery, she replied, ‘Well … after the accident, I did think a little about my mortality.’ Her and me both. ‘And it just got me thinking. We never know when we are going to die – I could get knocked over by a bus tomorrow, so …’
I couldn’t look at her. The anguish, the pain, the despair ripped through me. She was mortal: she would die. This was why I had created my sanctuary free of emotion.
‘Nate?’ I could both hear and feel her concern.
‘I have to pass on that one,’ I finally said.
‘Nate?’ She was sounding anxious. I looked at her for a moment. And, despite my best efforts, could see from her eyes she had seen something. I felt her momentary stab of fear and pain, before the anxiety returned.
I smiled ruefully. I wondered if she was thinking about why I had been unable to answer that question. Would she guess what I was?
I had to pull myself together. This wasn’t fair on Rowan. I would not have her feeling this way as a result of me. I noted she had finished her food. I glanced around us; most of the other tables were now empty. ‘Would you like dessert?’ She shook her head, still looking at me worriedly. ‘Are you ready to go then?’ She nodded.
Out in the fresh air, I felt a little better. But I still realised how impossible all of this was. Our differences were insurmountable.
But Rowan … Rowan’s company was … It was what I now existed for.
In the taxi heading back to her flat, we were more sombre than we had been all night, despite my efforts to nullify Rowan’s unease.
‘Are we going to do this again?’ she asked, attempting to sound cheerful, but unable to keep the fear from her voice.
I knew what the answer should be, what the answer had to be. For both Rowan’s sake and my own. I would send my apologies with regards to the party tomorrow.
Yet it was relief I felt when I realised I couldn’t yet say goodbye to Rowan. I had to sort out ‘S’. How could I not carry on seeing her with ‘S’ on the scene?
I smiled. ‘Are you asking me out on another date, Rowan Locke?’
I felt her immense relief. ‘I do believe I am, Nathaniel Gray.’
I knew Rowan was generally safer with me carrying her up the stairs to her flat. But tonight, I should have reassessed matters. As her arms wrapped themselves around my neck, I was a wreck. When I met her eyes, which echoed my own intense longing, I felt my body ignite. She wriggled in my arms, repositioning herself even closer. I felt her breasts against my chest, her deliriously fast heart beating against my own; her warm breath upon my neck – I w
as ablaze.
I stood in the living room, holding her in my arms, transfixed as her face moved closer to mine. Our lips touched.
And I, for a moment, was lost.
What started off as a tentative touch became overwhelmingly needy for us both. Her lips parted and I tasted her and I wanted more. My lips were hard and strong and demanding against hers, and she moulded to me perfectly, seeming to anticipate precisely the subtle movement that would ignite me further.
It was Rowan’s gasp of pleasure as my tongue flickered along her neck that brought me to my senses.
I all but flung her from my arms – on to the sofa that was behind her. How did my mouth get to her neck? My main focus had not been her blood, but there I was at a vampire’s bull’s-eye! My fangs were not in place, I knew that, but I also knew how quickly they could be.
God Almighty! I was gasping for air I shouldn’t need and Rowan was dazed. She was breathing heavily, so heavily, so seductively, and her eyes reached a whole new dimension in this state. I shut my own eyes so I didn’t need to look at the temptation further, and attempted to stop my gasps, so I need not smell its sweet fragrance. When I felt able to speak in some shape or form, it was to apologise. ‘I am so sorry! That should NEVER have happened. That was unforgivable!’
‘What did I do wrong?’ she gasped. Her breathing was still laboured.
I could feel her hurt. I opened my eyes. ‘You did nothing wrong, Rowan – the fault was all mine.’
‘But, Nate – what was wrong?’ She looked embarrassed, but adopted as authoritative a stance as she could from her sprawled position on the sofa. ‘Do you have any idea how you just made me feel?’
If it was anything like I had felt before I realised where my mouth was, I could pretty well guess. Not that I needed to. I had bloody well felt her reaction, too! I didn’t answer.
‘That was incredible! That was … I’ve never, ever, ever experienced anything so mind-blowing. Where the hell did you learn to kiss like that?’
I shook my head. ‘I am truly sorry. We will not go there again. Please understand. It is really important that you understand this.’
‘You didn’t like it,’ she whispered. Her pain was excruciating.
‘Rowan … I am not coming over to you, because I wouldn’t trust myself if I did.’ I was now speaking through gritted teeth and my voice was strained.
She looked up at me – beseeching, begging – and I shut my eyes in response.
‘Do not ever think I didn’t enjoy that! Nobody has ever made my body feel like that. But you need to trust me. I enjoyed it too much and we cannot go there again. Do you understand what I am saying? It is truly not safe for you.’ I tentatively opened my eyes again.
Rowan was confused. ‘How can you say that, Nate? You wouldn’t hurt me. I know you wouldn’t. I trust you completely and utterly. That’s the thing – I really do.’
‘Rowan, Rowan, Rowan,’ I whispered, shaking my head. ‘You have no idea what you are saying. If you trust me, then trust what I now say. We cannot do that again.’
She both looked and sounded mortified. ‘You are expecting me to never again seek out how you just made me feel?’
I nodded curtly and closed my eyes again to the excruciating temptation before me.
‘Fine!’ she declared. ‘I can do that!’
I cocked one eye to look at her suspiciously. I could feel her current emotion – and it was one of defiance. She had unconsciously tipped me off, but I should have known this was too easy. Opening my eyes fully, I spotted the crossed fingers she thought were hidden under her crossed arms. ‘Rowan …’ She knew I had seen, so she smiled sweetly before uncrossing them.
‘I promise … to be as good a girl as I can possibly be in your presence!’ She saw my look. ‘What else can I say? I’ve promised!’
I should have been feeling frustration and nothing else, but she was adorable like this. She was biting that lip of hers again. I could feel my need rising and I really wasn’t sure what stable it came from. I needed to go – now! I shook my head and turned to leave. ‘I will pick you up tomorrow at noon.’
‘I can’t wait! And I’ll be such a good girl. You just wait and see.’
The way she said that was so tantalising I struggled with myself not to turn around and ravage her there and then, one way or another. One way she would die; the other way she could die. It was a great choice really, when this woman was essential to my very being.
I chose to feed before returning home. My town house in London was without the on-site food supply of the farms and estate at Ridings and, not at all in the mood for the polluted taste of urban fox, I headed out of town. I was with Rowan again tomorrow. That damned party.
But the feeding did nothing to wipe away how she had made my body feel in those moments. It had felt nothing like it did as I fed. Perhaps it was possible to separate the two, perhaps James was right? But there again, I was sure James had never had physical relations with a human whom he had previously desperately wanted to suck dry of blood. It was pure lunacy!
There was no sitting on Rowan’s roof tonight. I knew I had to get back to meet Madeleine. She had been most adamant about that. For the first time, I viewed the meeting positively. Had I not had to get home I do not think I could have trusted myself not to return to Rowan’s, wake her now sleeping form, and finish off that which we had started.
I couldn’t face Madeleine straight away, though. I ended up in what used to be the cellars, now the fencing room, ferociously stabbing the target. I was soon joined by James, who allowed me to vent my frustration out on him. My mind was protected, but his was not, and he had correctly guessed what was causing my reaction. We bowed to each other.
‘It is controllable Nate and it gets easier – if you let it.’
Chapter Twelve
Uncle Fergus
Madeleine stood before the fireplace of the first-floor sitting room, waiting for me. It was dark outside, but the table lamps remained off, the room lit only by flickers of warm light from the fire that crackled gently in the grate.
She was not alone. Elizabeth sat on one of the two plush olive-green velvet Chesterfield sofas in the room, concentrating hard. Frederick, next to her, looked pained. I guessed what Elizabeth was up to, and grinned, despite my current state of mind.
James had followed me into the room and now sat on the carpeted floor with his back resting against the second sofa. I chose to stand with my hands held behind my back, at one of the floor-to-ceiling sash windows.
‘I am assuming from this that what you have found out is of such significance, you feel we should all hear it?’
Madeleine looked awkward. ‘If you have no objections – I do think we should all hear it.’
I replied with a shrug. What the bloody hell had she found out?
‘I suppose the first thing is to reassure Nate that I haven’t discovered anything about Rowan to make anyone think she’s anything but innocent. In fact, I have no definitive cause for the accident or the connection.’
I looked at her surprised. Then what was all this about?
‘I have, however, found out some information that, well, needs to be shared. Perhaps we can collectively make more sense of it than I’ve been able. It seems to be too much to simply be coincidence, but I … I’m really not sure of the best way to say this … I … It’s definitely too much to be coincidence. The odds of it happening randomly … I’m really struggling to …’
‘No, Mads – we’re really struggling! Can you please just spit it out?’ James urged.
‘Okay.’ She sounded flippant now. ‘You asked for it! Seth Locke, Rowan Locke’s adoptive father – was one of us!’ She looked at me as she spoke. There was apology in her eyes. She knew things had just got complicated.
Comprehending immediately what Madeleine was saying, I turned my back on the room. I recalled Rowan’s words to me about her father, and it all made the most appalling sense. I knew I had had a bad feeling about this meeting.
>
Could this be coincidence? No, with everything going on, it was too much for that. So, what the hell was going on? I would save reflection however, because things were just about to kick off.
‘He was a vampire?’ Elizabeth hissed. The shock in her voice summed up the atmosphere in the room pretty well.
I knew what was coming … and Madeleine evidently nodded.
‘But he can’t have been,’ Elizabeth shrieked. ‘Rowan’s father is DEAD!’
Yes. That.
‘He died in a house fire! How could he have been immortal?’ I could feel Elizabeth’s terrified eyes on my back.
‘Sweetheart, it’s alright,’ Freddie said gently, before hissing urgently, ‘Mads, you said you were going to see Fergus. Please tell me—’
‘And I did,’ Madeline said, sounding momentarily upset, before recovering herself. ‘Rowan’s father was that Seth Locke, Freddie. He was a member of Fergus’ coven. We didn’t know him well, but both you and I encountered him in the past. He fell in love and married Rosie Fairchild in 1976, a year before adopting Rowan and then, two years later, Clare. Fergus and his coven accept he was destroyed by some means in 1983. No remains were found, but we all know fire will turn our broken bodies to dust.’
There was stunned silence. James finally spoke. ‘Hang on a bit, Mads … this really doesn’t add up. You are saying, he was a vampire … yet he was married to a human … and adopted two human girls?’
‘It’s a bit more complicated than that, but, essentially – yes.’
‘A bit more complicated?’ he exclaimed. ‘Are you absolutely sure he was a vampire?’
‘Yes!’ Both Madeleine and Frederick snapped in unison.
‘But … but how do we know he’s dead, and if he’s dead – how?’
I turned to face the room. My face was as blank as I could make it and my block was firmly up. All eyes turned to me. I could see Frederick holding Elizabeth’s hand tightly.
‘There are indisputable facts,’ Madeleine continued. ‘There was a house fire, we knew that before. Seth and Rosie died at the house, although, obviously, the method of at least Seth’s death could not have been solely the fire. There were definitely other parties involved.
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