by Taylor Hart
He scoffed. “Maybe it made your bad day happier.”
Narrowing her eyes, she frowned. “No, it actually made it worse. Because I was sad for you.”
The center of his heart was pierced. This took him off balance, because he knew she was telling the truth. He’d envisioned her just hating him. That’s what it had felt like until now.
She held his eyes. “I know I said I didn’t keep track of you, but I never quit … I guess I was worrying about you and wondering. I didn’t let myself get caught up in your life, that wouldn’t have been good for me, but that day, I realized that you had stuff too.”
Blinking, he looked out at the ocean. It wasn’t just that she was Lil. It was that she got him. She understood him in a way he’d never felt anyone else ever had. He looked back at her. “We lost a baby,” he said bluntly, not knowing why he was telling her.
For a second, she held her water in midair. She put it down. Her face went pale, and she licked her lips. “I’m sorry, Montana.”
He pulled in a long breath, appreciating her compassion more than she would ever know. “Karen tried to get pregnant for a long time. More than a year. We tried some fertility treatments, both got tested. But it wasn’t happening.” He hesitated. “Then it did, and it was like there was sunshine again.” He cleared his throat and unsuccessfully fought the emotion in his throat. “Her name was Beatrice Hart Crew. She was born with heart problems. They did surgery, but she died two days later.”
He hadn’t realized that tears were falling down his cheeks. He’d never talked about this with anyone.
Leaning in, she reached out and took his hand, tears in her own eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
He thought of that pain. Then it subsided, receding like a wave in the ocean. He squeezed her hand. “We both grieved. I had just started the show deal in Vegas and had to be there three days a week. She hated Nashville, but she didn’t want to be with me in Vegas. Or … she just didn’t want me anymore.” He sniffed, hating the vulnerability in his voice. He took a drink of water.
Lil waited, sympathy and reassurance in her eyes.
“So she went back to LA. She hooked up with an old boyfriend. I found out from my agent when a newspaper called before they were running the story.”
“You didn’t give her half, did you?” Taking her hand back, she sat up straighter. “For affairs you never give half.” She wagged her finger.
He shrugged. The attorney side of her had come out, and it was cute. “I gave her some assets—a large chunk of money and a stipend every month. My attorney advised me not to, but in the end, I just had to forgive her. It was eating me alive, Lil. Losing the baby. Losing her. I just had to let go.” He paused. He hated himself for saying it, but he couldn’t stop himself. “Maybe I’m just not worth keeping around.”
Meeting his gaze, she shook her head back and forth. “Don’t do that.”
He looked at his water glass. “It’s true.”
She took his hand again. “You had idiot parents, okay?”
Staring back at her, he couldn’t stop himself. “You left.”
Yanking back her hand, she let out a laugh. “This is rich. Who needs dessert with the rich stuff you’re serving up?”
He put up a hand. “Wait. I know. I know. I left.” He took her hand.
“Yeah, you left,” she countered. “And you don’t know what I went through. You will never have any idea what you gave up.” She yanked her hand back.
He could see her start to tremble.
He took her hand back. “Shh.” He felt like he was calming a skittish horse. “You’re right, Lil. You’re right. It’s on me.”
Lily picked up her napkin and wiped beneath the edges of her eyes. She sucked in a breath and shook her head.
Liking that she was the same kind, compassionate woman, he leaned back and watched her try to get composure for herself. “You were always bighearted, Lil.”
She scoffed. “No. Not really.”
“Yes.” He grinned and let the heartache go for a minute. “Remember that campaign you did when you ran for student body president?”
She’d been taking a sip of water, and she spit it out. A piece of ice skidded across the table and landed on his lap.
He laughed. “You remember.”
She pointed at him. “But I didn’t win.”
He laughed harder.
“Montana Henry Crew, you were just as culpable as me.”
“Oh, no.” He shook his head. “That was all you and Jason. The football team hid my towel every day for a month because of that stunt. Do you think we liked having the grass all holey?”
“Hey,” she said, laughing through tears. “Those moles needed a voice. You were invading their habitat.” She laughed even harder, holding her stomach and doubling over.
“They needed you to fence off half the field and put up tiny Save the Moles signs?”
Her laughter was contagious, and he laughed harder too. At the way they had fought over it. She sighed. “Oh my gosh, I have not thought about that for so long.”
“You always had passion. I’ll give you that.”
She grinned. “I’m just remembering all the fights you got into on my behalf that year. What was it, like, four or five?”
He laughed again. “Right—try like eight.”
She didn’t laugh. “You were so bent on defending me against all those lugheads.”
Feeling the old protectiveness, he grinned. “They were lugheads. They couldn’t say stuff about you. You were my girlfriend. They better watch their mouths.”
Montana felt palpable energy crackle the air.
Sniffing, she shook her head. “We were really in love, weren’t we?”
Pulling in a breath, he nodded. “Yeah, Lil, we were.”
For a second there was everything between them. And nothing between them. He wondered if having almost everything had ruined it all.
“What?” she asked.
“Nothing.”
“No, you made me tell you, now you have to spill,” Lily insisted.
The food came, and he was grateful for a respite. Things were intense. They’d always been intense with her.
20
Lily took a bite of her steak, but didn’t really taste it. All she could taste was this tension between them. The way Montana looked at her. The way they spoke to each other. The things they remembered—like heat, passion, and joy. It was all rolled up in this beautiful that you licked on the hottest day, but you knew you had to pace yourself or you would get brain freeze.
“Tell me something, Lil.”
She shook her head. “No.”
They ate for a bit in silence.
It had to be the best steak of her life. The ocean was almost close enough to touch. The sun had set, and it was getting darker. It looked simultaneously beautiful and mysterious and haunting. She couldn’t believe that she was here. It was amazing. Had Jason known it would be this way?
“What are you thinking?” Montana asked.
“Nothing.” She felt caught.
“Liar.”
Staring at his eyes, she let out a light laugh. It almost felt exactly the same as it’d been. It was disconcerting. “Fine. Jason always wanted this so badly.”
“Surfing?”
She let out a breath. “No. This. Us. Back together.”
“Oh.”
She was probably telling him too much, but it didn’t seem to matter, it was coming out. “He made it his mission to pick at me when I’d stop in to see him on Sundays after seeing Mama. We’d play checkers, and he’d always tell me I needed to go see you.”
A sad look passed across Montana’s face. “I wish you both would have come to see me.”
Feeling awkward, she pushed on. “Of course, I always told him to shut up, but he never listened to me.” It put her on edge that things had slipped into this easiness between them so quickly. Her mind flashed to Jason holding her hand on that day, and she blinked. “But you know Jason.”
“I wish things would have been different.” He put down his fork and tapped his mouth with his napkin. “I regret so many things.”
For a brief moment, she wondered if Montana knew her secret. Would he forgive her as easily as he’d forgiven his ex-wife?
“Tell me about Brad,” Montana said in a low whisper.
Jerked out of her thoughts, she wiped her face with the napkin. “Ah, no.”
Cutting his steak, he nodded at her. “I don’t have the advantage of magazine articles, so tell me the boring story.”
Meeting his eyes, she saw he was truly interested. “Well, let’s see. I met Brad my first year in law school. I worked part time at the firm. We both have a passion for family law.”
“Right. What else?”
“What do you mean?”
“C’mon, Lil. If he were a song, what would the lyrics be? He made you feel like a flower in the spring or like the whole world had righted itself?”
Memories of him and lyrics rushed through her. “You’re always writing a song.”
He flashed her a smile. “Can’t help it.”
She thought of Brad. Nothing came to mind.
“Wow, I’m truly touched.”
“Shut up, we’re not all writers.”
He laughed.
She cleared her throat. “Okay, he’s the lead on the case I’m going back for the day after tomorrow.”
“Right.” Montana waved his fork in a circle. “Ah, this is why you’re dating him.”
“What?”
“Because he’s passionate about protecting kids?”
It took her off guard that he’d understood that. In fact, she hadn’t thought about that being the main reason.
“Makes sense.” He took another bite.
Lily hesitated. “Why does it make sense?”
Tilting his head to the side, he let out a sigh and wiped his face. “Lil, things with your dad …”
She felt red moving up her neck. It was a stark reminder, even though Montana didn’t know one secret, he knew other secrets. She cleared her throat and shook her head.
“Anyway,” Montana encouraged.
“Yes, Brad works hard for the children, the women, and the men. He works for the best interest of our clients. Anyway, by the time I graduated, he’d dropped several hints about dating.”
Montana pointed his steak knife at her. “But you didn’t want to?”
She grinned. “I never said that.”
“You said he dropped hints.”
She sighed, liking and hating that he was listening so closely. “I didn’t want to date one of the partners.” She shrugged. “But he sold out pretty quickly when the price was right.” She gave him a pointed look.
Immediately getting it, he nodded. “He was one of the partners who decided you’d work with me.”
“To his credit, your money does mean more money for pro bono cases.”
He stared at her, not saying anything.
She rushed on. “I mean, I can understand we’ll be able to help a lot more people.”
He still didn’t say anything.
“What?”
His voice came out quiet. “You didn’t have to do it. Why did you do it? I was honestly worried you’d quit.”
She didn’t want to admit it. “They offered me partner.”
“Oh.” His eyebrows went up.
“And my name on the door.”
He nodded. “Nice. I’m proud of you.”
It bothered her that he said it and that it meant something to her. “Shut up.”
He laughed. “Ah, Lil, you won’t be happy until you earn it. For real.”
She hadn’t realized it, but he was right. She didn’t want to be promoted without merit.
He shrugged. “So back to Brad.”
She frowned. “I don’t know why I like him. Maybe because he tries hard in the courtroom. With me … he … we haven’t.” She cleared her throat. “Been together.”
“Oh.” This time Montana blushed.
She knew she was blushing. “He’s been patient.”
“Making him earn it, good for you.” Shaking his head, he clicked his tongue. “Too bad poor old Brad is out of the running.”
“What are you talking about?”
He shook his head. “The way you’re talking about him makes me think you’re not that into him.” He widened his eyes.
“What do you mean?” she scoffed. “You can just tell?”
He shrugged. “I can just tell.”
She narrowed her eyes again, giving him her patented glare.
“Don’t look at me that way.” He chewed happily.
“How come you think you know?”
“Because,” he said, “I can tell.”
“How?”
He laughed. “I just can.”
“How?” she demanded.
He glared at her. “Fine. Because that’s the same way you always talked about Jason.”
This ignited a flame inside of her. She became very still. She leaned over, her two years of courtroom experience coming in handy at the moment. “Except the day you caught us kissing, right? The day you left me.”
His happy look went blank and then cold. “You were in a lip-lock with him.”
“He was in a lip-lock with me.”
“No, you were kissing him back,” he accused quietly.
Her thoughts scrambled. She tried to remember anything about that kiss, other than the moment Montana had caught them. For eight years that had been the moment that she’d focused on.
But now, looking back, seeing with the experience of a woman dating Brad, after much persuasion, she could see what Montana had seen that day. “Jason was angry when I told him we were leaving. When he pulled me in for a hug, I felt how much he liked me. And then when he kissed me …” Gasping, she dropped her fork and put her hand to her mouth. “I did kiss him back.’
Montana only nodded his head. “See, the kiss was convincing.”
She couldn’t believe it. “Oh my gosh.”
“That’s right, Lil. You had feelings for him too. You did. Just like Brad. You’re reluctant about it, but you do like him.”
She couldn’t deny it. “Maybe I did have feelings for him, Montana.” Her voice broke. “But you broke my heart that day.” She pushed back from the table and stood. “You broke my heart, and I still haven’t forgiven you.”
Then she was rushing from the table, rushing through the lobby. She bypassed the elevator and slipped off her shoes, holding them in her hand as she climbed the stairs to the sixth floor. She ran to her room, tears streaming down her face.
Inside the room, she pushed the door shut and leaned back against it. How had that just happened?
She felt like a complete idiot. It was eight years later. She’d just made a complete idiot of herself.
There was a light knock behind her.
She closed her eyes, but raised her voice. “Please just leave me alone, Montana.” How many times did she have to tell him?
“Lil, c’mon. Let’s talk about this.”
21
Montana stood outside the door and banged again. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about having this conversation a million times.
He would also be lying if he said it didn’t feel dang good to rile her up.
She’d been getting him riled him up in all kinds of ways for a decade.
He hadn’t been able to get those kisses out of his mind from the other night at the water tower. The feel of her. The same, but different.
She was a woman now. She was beautiful. What he hadn’t anticipated was that she hadn’t actually realized her feelings for Jason.
She swung the door open, black streaks trailing down her face. Exasperated, she pointed to her new yellow sundress. “Look at this mess.”
Unable to stop himself, he pulled her into his arms, chuckling and stroking her hair.
“Why are you laughing at me?” she demanded, but she didn’t pull
away, which was a good sign.
“I’m not laughing at you, Lily Ray. I’m thinking how adorable you look with your sad face and your black eyes and your messed-up dress.”
She sniffed.
Pulling her back, he gestured to the loveseat. “C’mon, Lil. Let’s talk.”
She pushed him back. “No, I can’t Montana. I just … I have work to get done.”
Montana held his ground at the door. “No, I’ve waited eight years to have this talk.”
Resigned, she moved to the side. “Fine, I’ve waited to talk too.”
They sat on the couch, and he pulled her next to him. He still had his hand in hers. “Tell me.”
She frowned at him. “You had to bring up the elephant in the room, didn’t you?”
The sides of his eyes creased, and he sighed. “Lil, do you think I was stupid enough not to know that Jason had feelings for you? Do you? I just … I was selfish. Of course I saw that he had feelings for you. I mean, he was always on board to hang out with you. To include you. I saw the way he looked at you. He talked about you like you were his girlfriend. I mean, he knew that you and I were together. But there was part of my silly, teenage self that felt like … It felt like this: he had a family, and I had you. He had everything, had always had everything. I had you. That made everything fair.”
She sighed and sat further back into the couch. “It wasn’t a competition, Montana.”
Even though he didn’t want to be this way, it needed to be said. “But it was, Lil.” He sighed. “I would have given Jason anything. Anything! Except you. When I came down the stairs and saw you kissing him, something snapped inside of me. Call it right or wrong. All my fears of being abandoned and unlovable just came to the surface. All the times Jason had joked that he would steal you away—that somehow, you’d pick him—had been realized. And …” He felt a lump form in his throat. “After the night before, when …” He broke off.
“The night you made love to me.” Her chin cocked up defiantly.
He melted inside. “That night was so important to me.”
She put her hand over his. “You were right. We should have waited. But I wanted to … it was a mistake.”
Thoughts of that night swamped him, of her coming to his window so upset over a fight with her father. The swollen fingers of a handprint across her face. All he’d wanted was to protect her.
