by Taylor Hart
“You okay, boss?” Kirk asked.
Shoving away from Kirk, he headed to his dressing room. “I can’t see fans.”
“What?” Kirk asked.
“I’m not feeling good.” He couldn’t do this right now. He had a show in an hour. People were filling the stadium. He threw back a fake smile. “I’ll be fine. I just need a minute.”
Minutes later, he sat in his dressing room, sucking in deep breaths. He had a child. They had a child.
Pain pierced his heart. They had a child, and Montana had ridden away and left them.
It all made complete sense. Her anger. The venom. The pain. The way she was so broken.
He’d become the father he swore he’d never be—the kind who left.
Tears fell down his cheeks. She’d had to face it all by herself.
Except she hadn’t.
Jason.
He stood and punched the wall. Jason had been there for her.
A knock came at the door. He didn’t answer.
Kirk opened the door. “Boss, you don’t look so hot.” Kirk was next to him, his headphones on, clipboard in hand, holding out a bottle of water.
Montana took the water and popped the lid, guzzling it back. “I’m fine.”
“Good. You've got five minutes until the opening band is done.”
Kirk walked away, and Montana sucked in large breaths of air. He had to get himself under control.
When he turned, there she was.
Lily.
His heart clutched inside his chest. She wore a red dress with a white sequined jacket, white sequined boots to match, and a white sequined hat.
He couldn’t help but grin. She was beautiful. She’d always been beautiful.
He felt the stream of tears going down his face.
She came to him, frowning. “Montana, what’s wrong?” Gently, she put his hand to her cheek.
He took her hand, finally understanding. He blinked and told himself to get his stuff together, because he had a show to put on. Putting his hand over hers, he smiled. “You look amazing, do you know that?”
Her face relaxed, and she shrugged. “I feel like this is fairy-tale life. Like it’s all a big fairy tale, and at some point I’ll wake up.”
Unable to stop himself, he leaned down and gently kissed her. “You won’t wake up. If you’re asleep, then I’m asleep.”
She frowned. “Are you okay?”
Pulling back, he put on his fake smile. The country rock star smile. The one that covered the pain and put on a show. “This is all amazing. You’re amazing. Do you know that?”
Kirk yelled at him, and Montana ran for the stage.
When he jogged out, thousands of fans yelled at him. Since he couldn’t do anything about the past, and he couldn’t even think about all the pain he was in, he did the thing he’d been doing his whole life when things went wrong.
He pretended.
27
To say that it finally felt like she’d come full circle with having Montana in her life didn’t do it justice.
Yeah, she’d gone full circle, but more than that, she loved him again. No, that wasn’t true. She loved him still. Under the anger and disappointment ran a much deeper river of love. No one else in the world would ever make her feel like Montana Crew did.
As she watched his concert from the VIP booth, she was mesmerized. He could take the crowd on a journey from peak crazy to quiet love ballads. As she swayed back and forth watching him, their eyes caught. Even from across the stadium, she could feel things were somehow different.
It was only a couple of seconds, but he knew. She’d swear to it.
When he pulled a stool over and sat, he looked directly at her and spoke into the microphone. “We all have regrets. Some we never get a chance to make right. Some we don’t even know about, but all I know is some people come back into your life for a reason.” He grinned at her. “This song’s for you, Lily Ray.”
The song was a haunting lullaby.
She thought of the baby he’d lost and wondered if he’d written it for his baby.
Their eyes met again, and she was even more positive that he knew about their daughter.
Lily couldn’t take it. She fled out of the VIP booth and found Kirk, telling him she was ill and needed to get back to the hotel.
Something had taken over, making her jittery and sick.
The truth.
When she got back to the Wynn Hotel, she began furiously repacking all the clothes she’d taken out of her bag. Pulling off the dress she’d worn, she slipped into her yoga pants, a T-shirt, and tennis shoes. She had to leave.
How had he found out? How?
All she knew was that she couldn’t face him.
Not yet.
At this moment, she just wanted to die. It was happening all over again. She’d given up the baby, watched the social worker take her away, and then made those horrible weeping, gasping sounds.
It hadn’t even sounded like her.
Jason had been there, holding her and comforting her.
It wasn’t fair.
Tears fell down her cheeks. She finished getting her suitcase packed, and she was rolling it to the door. She’d called downstairs and asked that a cab be ready. She would purchase a ticket back to Billings at the airport.
How could she ever face him?
As she got to the lobby, a limo pulled up. Montana climbed out and rushed through the front doors.
They both stopped in the lobby, staring at each other.
She knew her face was a mess, with her puffy eyes and black makeup running down her cheeks.
The look they exchanged, the looks they’d always exchanged that had told each other everything, was all over Montana’s face. It changed into a severe frown. “Lily Ray, we need to talk about this.” He looked around then pointed up. “Upstairs.”
She was already pushing her bag toward the door, toward the waiting cab. “I’m leaving tonight.”
Montana grabbed her arm, stopping her. Some of the people around them took notice. “No, Lil. I know about our daughter,” he whispered.
“I know you know,” she stated calmly. As he stared at her, she realized Brad had been right. It’d taken her months, years to get it together and have a normal life. Montana would completely break her this time.
She could not do this.
He was guiding her, telling one of his people to take her bag.
“Montana?”
He didn’t say a word as he rushed her back through the casino, onto the elevator, and up to the forty-fifth floor. He didn’t say a thing as he took her to her room, and then, finally, he released the grip he had on her.
She stayed near the door, so she knew she could bolt at any moment if she had to.
Montana took off his black hat and threw it on the couch. She could see, by the jerky movements and the way he was pacing the room, he was upset.
“How did you find out?”
For a second, he only stared at her. Then he sighed. “I got a report from the P.I. that …” His lips pinched. “It was in my email.”
All of her nerves suddenly felt like they were in her throat. She coughed.
His face was so sad and angry.
“I …” She stumbled back toward the door.
Montana was suddenly in front of her, taking her by the elbows and pulling her into him. “A daughter?” he questioned.
If it were possible to actually have another’s emotions transferred through touch, that’s what he’d just done to her.
All her pain and fear erupted in tears. Every part of her was instantly trembling. “Mon-tan-a.”
He shook his head. Tears were instantly in his eyes. “A daughter? You never told me I had a daughter.” Then the anger was back. “How could you not tell me?” he asked angrily.
Before she could stop herself, her hand was connecting to his face. “You have no right!”
He took the slap, not moving. The side of his face turned red.
; Pulling away from him, the trembling was back. Had she just hit him? She pulled her hand to her mouth.
She’d done what her father would do, and it was awful.
He took her gently by the shoulders. “Tell me, Lily. Just tell me.”
All she could think about was the day their daughter was born. She’d wanted to tell Montana this since it’d happened. She’d denied it, tried to forget, but he could never forget because he never knew.
All the images bombarded her, and it all came tumbling out. “She was beautiful. She had your green eyes and made the smallest sound, like a little kitty cat.” More tears streamed down her face, and she moved to the large window of the Wynn Hotel. The lights were bright, but she felt removed this far up.
Like she really was a queen or something. For some insane reason she thought, the queen of country music.
She laughed at the ridiculousness of it. All her emotions were out of control.
She focused on the hotels, the lights and glitter of the Strip, but the images assaulted her now, fresh and rough. She sighed, and more tears flowed. “When we couldn’t find you, I was devastated. Jason and I went back to Springs Hollow, and I fell into bed for two weeks, barely eating, barely drinking. I was depressed. Then I got up and got to work, figuring if you were moving on with your life, I’d move on with mine. I felt …” She turned back to him.
He stood there, not moving, in the same spot she’d slapped him in. Looking like he was in a trance.
“I hated you. Hated you! I was so angry and hurt. Of course, you know how Jason got when I was upset. He was like a fluttering mother. I blamed him, and he knew it. He felt awful.” Lily turned back to the window, finding it easier not to look at him. “I started filling out college applications. I got a part-time job waitressing at Mo’s.” She let out a light huff. “I dragged myself out of bed every day and faced the questions—where had you gone? When were you coming back? Did we get into a fight?” Her voice shook. “It was fine. Granted, I was a zombie, but I was fine … until I found out I was pregnant.”
Her voice broke, and she couldn’t stop the emotion that streamed out of her like a waterfall finally freed from a dam.
His hands were on her shoulders, pulling her back into him.
“I told Jason. He offered to marry me.” She shook her head. “But I couldn’t. And you know I couldn’t tell Mama and Daddy. You know what my daddy would have done to me.” She looked down. “Jason helped me figure it out. Contacted people in Denver. Adoption parents. I actually lived with them for six months.” She gave him a smile. “They are the nicest people. I made sure of it.” She sniffed and pleaded with Montana. “I was scared. Alone. I couldn’t marry Jason. He told me he didn’t care if I loved you or not.” She broke off into a sob. “But I couldn’t do that to Jason. He deserved someone who could love him like I loved you.”
* * *
Montana listened to Lily, his heart being wrung out like a washrag with every word. He did know what her daddy would have done to her. Tears ran down his cheeks as he thought of Jason. Of what he’d offered to do.
He broke free of Lily and cried, anger and pain feeling like they’d consume him.
He’d caused this.
Him!
“Let me get this straight. I regret not telling you. I do. I’ve gone over it a thousand times in my mind. I should have kept her. I should have tried. I should have married Jason.” She shook her head. “But I didn’t.”
His gut tightened. He didn’t like any of those options.
“I couldn’t live a lie.”
He watched this woman that he loved. That he’d loved forever, and he found that now he loved her even more. But it was all mixed up inside of him. She’d given away his baby. All the pain of losing a baby shot through him.
She moved to him, took his hand. “That year almost tore me and Jason apart, but he was true to his word. He kept my secret.” She let out a soft sigh. “He told me until the day he died.” Another gulp of grief. “I hadn’t realized until now. He released himself from his promise when he died.”
Self-loathing filled Montana. “I ruined everything. I thought, of course she doesn’t want me. No one has ever wanted me. I think I always expected that you’d leave me somehow, and after—I just convinced myself you were better off with Jason.”
“I didn’t love Jason!” she shouted.
It jolted him almost out of a trance. “I know.”
She sighed and wiped at her face. “I want you to know she’s happy, Montana.”
He didn’t move. “How can anyone really know how a child feels?”
The side of her lip tugged up into a sad smile. “I get reports from her parents every year.” She pulled her phone out of her pocket and pulled up a picture.
There she was. Her dark hair and green eyes. The lopsided smile.
He could barely breathe. “She is beautiful.”
“I made sure, Montana. I gave her more than we ever had. I gave her parents that love her, don’t hit her, don’t leave her. Parents who give her everything.”
For a long moment he didn’t say anything, but simply stared at the picture.
He thought about the lives he’d wrecked. His life. Lil’s. The daughter that should have been theirs. Anger surged inside of him. There was no way to undo this. Montana let the words come out before he could take them back. “No, I could have given her everything. Me. But I screwed it up!” He picked up a vase and threw it. It smashed into the granite counter of the bar area in the room. Losing one child had almost destroyed him. Now, out of nowhere, he found out he had lost another one.
He turned back, and Lily wasn’t by the window. The door clicked shut.
Running to the door, he flung it open. “Lily, get back here!”
She was already at the elevator. She shook her head, tears running down her face, her bag being pulled behind her. “It’s too late, Montana.” The elevator opened, and she got in. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
He stood there, wanting to go after her, but not trusting himself.
The doors shut.
Leaving … nothing.
28
It had been a week since Las Vegas.
Lily sat in her office, staring out her window. She looked down at her phone and tried not to remember that it’d been seven days.
Seven days and a lifetime ago since she’d seen Montana. Since she’d left him. All that fire in his eyes had reminded her of the way Daddy always looked before she’d gotten a beating. Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried to forget the horribleness of it all.
The way she’d smacked him.
All of it.
The only thing she could do was work. Get away from the memories. Get away from those feelings.
Everyone had been great about her coming back. Brad had stayed away.
She’d shut everyone out.
Charity had tried to reach out, but she couldn’t reciprocate.
She buried herself in things she could control. Change. Fix.
Yesterday, there had been an unveiling of her name on the wall, and she was officially declared a partner. They’d also dumped an obscene amount of money into her account, and she’d sent off the last payment for her student loans.
It was everything she wanted.
It felt strangely like nothing she wanted.
She hated herself for what had happened. While there were parts of her that knew she was a kid and she had done the best she could, there were other parts that doubted. These were the parts that kept her awake at night. They made it so she’d go for days without eating because she was so preoccupied with trying not to be preoccupied.
Jason. His face had come to her more and more in her dreams. Soothing her. Comforting her. She woke up with tears on her face.
Part of her loved him. She had realized that. Even though she’d never been able to give him what he really wanted.
A stupid tear leaked down her face, and she brushed it aside.
There was a light knoc
k on the door, and Charity flitted into the room. “Hey.” She put files on her desk and took the completed ones. “What’s up, buttercup?” Charity asked gently.
Lily blinked and pulled over another file. “Nothing.”
“It’s the middle of summer and a hot day. Maybe we should play hooky and talk the partners into taking the boat out. C’mon, it’d be fun.”
“No.” Lily knew that Charity had been trying to cheer her up, but she’d been smart enough not to ask direct questions.
“Okay,” she said tentatively, and turned to walk away.
The biggest thing bugging her was that today was Jason’s birthday.
For the first time since she’d been back, Brad strolled into her office.
Charity turned and gave her a worry-filled look. She may not have been told, but she knew.
Brad stared at her. “Charity, I need to talk to Lily. Alone, please.”
Charity didn’t move.
It made Lily sad to realize that no matter what Brad had to say, it couldn’t damage her more than she already was.
Charity nodded and walked out.
Brad shut her door.
Lily stayed behind her desk.
Brad moved to the chairs in front of her desk and sat in one of them. “Lily, I’m worried about you.”
Of all the conversations she expected to have with Brad, this had not been one of them. “Don’t.” Averting her eyes, she opened a file. “Although we should talk about the Crane case.”
Leaning over, he put his hand in the middle of the file. “Lily.”
Glancing up at him, anger pulsed through her. “Get your hand off my file … please.” She kept her voice controlled.
Leaning back, Brad shook his head. “I’ve watched you this past week. You’re—”
“Broken, just like you thought I’d be. Seems you’d be happy. Isn’t it what you wanted?”
Confusion filled his face. “I never wanted this for you. Yes, I was hurt. I was worried about you. But I never wanted this … sad woman.”
She flinched. It hurt to hear it. Instantly, the anger fell away. It wasn’t fair to be mad at Brad. She was the only one to blame for her problems.
