by H. J. Bellus
My hand finds his cleanly shaven cheek, and for the first time in weeks I feel at home with someone. Beau leans down, dipping his hair in the stream of hot water. He stops before his lips touch my forehead.
“I want to kiss you,” he murmurs.
I raise my head to meet his lips, giving him my answer to his question. When he pulls up from me, there’s a hunger lingering in his eyes. I could so easily give myself over to him and let him wash away all the pain.
I wiggle out of his arms and firmly plant my feet on the ground. I peel away his wet shirt, then his drag down his pants. He’s hard and eager for me. He lets me take the lead for the moment. Framing his face, I bring him down to me and place my lips on his. I savor his taste for a minute, remembering how delicious he is. Then something in me breaks and I devour him.
I’m in his arms before I know what is happening. Beau tries to pull away a couple of times, but I don’t let go. My hips move around on him, trying to find what they want. He’s not helping the situation, so using my hand, I guide him in.
“Jenni, you…”
I don’t allow him to finish his sentence before I begin to move. Beau is still fighting my reaction to him, so I move harder, causing him to sit down on the edge of the tub. My knees are placed on a steady surface, so I take up a steady pace. The sensation he sends through my body is a feeling I’ve missed. He takes away every single piece of anxiety living in me. I cherish each second I’m here with him and let him know it by moaning out loud and pulling his hair back.
“Fuck, Jenni, this isn’t good.”
I can feel him harden in me and know he’s about to go. Everything becomes so tight and delicious that I find myself spiraling out of control. We both collapse in a wet mess. Beau finally rises, making me stand under the water as he washes me. I let him and relish his touch as I try to memorize the feel of him. My eyes study his face, imprinting to memory. My hands remain at my side because I know if I touch him I won’t be able to let go.
Beau soon turns off the water, and the chilly air wastes no time invading the shower. He wraps me up in a towel and pulls me to his body. His chest feels like home and the only place I’ve ever felt safe in the world. I know I can’t stay here long.
“Beau.”
He tilts my face up to his. I can tell he knows what’s coming next from the haunted look in his eyes.
“I love you, but you have to go. Our time is over.” Swallowing hard, it hurts to produce each word. “I don’t understand your pain, but I was there for you, and you chose to shut me out.”
He doesn’t say a word, nor does he let go of my face. He only continues to stare down at me. Willing myself to pull away, I speak one more time. “Please go.”
I turn from him and walk across the hall into Danielle’s room and throw myself onto her bed into a ball of frustration. Tears come and show no promise of ever stopping. I had to let him go because I’m tired of begging people to stay in my life. He never should’ve left me if he truly loved me.
“Jenni.”
It’s Jazzy’s voice, so I peek up at her and am relieved when I see she is by herself.
“May I come in?”
I nod to her and then pat the bed next to me. Jazzy walks over with a worried looked covering her face and takes a seat on the bed. She reaches for my hair and starts running her fingers through the wet locks, fanning them out on the bed. I don’t have the energy to sit up.
“You can’t do that again, Jenni.”
“I won’t. I told him to leave.”
Jazzy’s face enters my vision as she lies down facing me. “I’m not talking about Beau. I’m talking about the pills. You can never do that again. Ever.”
“They’re gone.” It hurts to actually say those words because I know I want more, but they’re gone.
“I’m serious, Jenni. Next time I’ll admit you.”
“Fine.”
“Don’t even start your fucking attitude with me. I’m going to keep it real with you. Loss sucks. The worst thing in the world. But guess what, you are still alive and have a choice to make.”
I begin to roll my eyes at her, readying myself for her speech. She sees this and pauses.
“I’m done, Jenni. I’m so done. You have a choice.” Jazzy leaps up from the bed. “Be downstairs in fifteen minutes if you choose a chance at life again.”
I want to hate her. But I know it’s not an option. She’s only trying to help, but I’m tired of being pushed. I want to go through life and not invest in anything else. I don’t want to worry about things or ever feel this way again. If I never love, I’ll never feel loss.
I hear Jazzy ’s voice downstairs and know she’s on her phone because she’s always on her phone talking to Levi, and there’s not a voice talking back to her. An art project hanging on the wall catches my attention. It’s a purple handprint of a child. I recognize the writing and then the handprint. It was a Mother’s Day gift I made at school in second grade. I hid it in my room until I saw Danielle. I believe I gave it to her on the Fourth of July. Dad had brought me to her so he could go camping with his buddies. I remember the way her face lit up and how she made me feel important and let me choose the place to hang it in her room.
It was the first time I ever used a hammer, and it was also the first time someone took a piece of my art and hung it up. I do remember it being the first time I ever felt special.
“You can go as far as you push, Jenni Jo.” They were the words Danielle often told me before I went to bed, and every time she’d hug me. I can’t give up and I can’t give in. She fought way too hard to give me a good life for me to die of self-pity.
“Jazzy.” I scramble to my feet, screaming her name. Her voice has disappeared from downstairs. Running across to my room I throw on some panties and some yoga pants and a large hoodie.
“Jazzy.” She doesn’t respond, and I have a horrible feeling she’s gone.
Racing out the front door, I see Jazzy climbing into her car.
“Jazzy.” My voice finally catches her attention. A grin slowly spreads across her face and she pats the passenger seat. I signal to her with one finger as I lock up the house. I grab my purse and head her way.
“I think I need to sell her place.” The words hurt. Jazzy keeps her eyes on the road as she drives.
“You’ll know when you’re ready.”
“I’m just making myself sick staying there night after night and wallowing in memories and what-ifs.”
I run my hand over the smooth black leather on the armrest as I wait for Jazzy’s response.
“I can’t tell you what to do, but I do know you need to change something.”
She turns down an unfamiliar road, and when I look at her she sees the question in my eyes.
“Taking the back road to the fishing pond.”
“We are going fishing?”
“Yep, that’s where Levi and I were off to before Beau called me. It’s his last day home before he leaves for camp.”
“Um.” I squirm, not wanting to go back to that place. “Just drop me off.”
“Nope. You’re with me. You made that choice when you walked out your front door.”
“I don’t want to impose,” I lie.
“Too bad.” Jazzy lets out an evil giggle. “Don’t worry, I already banged his brains out this morning. There’s no way the man could want it again.”
She doesn’t pick up on my hesitation about going back to the place where Maxton beat me, and I don’t know how to let her know without saying the actual words. She turns into the driveway, and I immediately recognize the house and the road which leads behind it. It’s not until we hit the dirt pad leading to the trail that I begin to have hard time breathing.
“I don’t care. You’re staying with me, and I want to fish with my husband.”
I gulp at her words, and I don’t see the use in fighting with her. I’m emotionally spent for the day. We get out of the SUV and I notice Levi’s truck parked closer to the row of trees. Jazzy t
akes my hand and leads me down the narrow trail to the pond. As we walk I begin to remember how beautiful this place is, and with each step the nasty memories begin to fade away.
The closer we get to the water, I actually feel a smile begin to spread across my face.
“I’m telling you, this place is magical. I’m not forcing you to be here to be a bitch.”
“It’s just hard.” We both stop on the path and I mindlessly kick at a black rock on the ground. “I just don’t want to think about Maxton ever again.”
Jazzy holds my hands. “This place is very therapeutic, and you do know Levi will never let anything happen to you again.”
We continue down the trail. A long dock comes into view with Levi sitting at the end of it. As we near, I can make out a cooler sitting next to him and Killer, their cat. When I step on the deck I gasp and clutch Jazzy. She just laughs at me. I’m not used to the wobbling sensation underneath my feet, but step-by-step it seems to get easier.
“Hey, ladies.” Levi looks up at us. His hat is on backward. Jazzy jumps into his lap and takes his fishing pole away from him. An awkward feeling settles over the whole situation, but not for long. Levi holds a pole out to me and gestures me to sit down next to him.
I dread the conversation that’s about to take place. To my shock, football dominates it. Levi and Jazzy go back and forth about training camp, drafts, rookies, and many other football terms I don’t understand. My body relaxes and I enjoy the sunshine and candy they packed. Not one single fish bite or nibble, but it doesn’t bother me. I try to clear my head and just enjoy life for the moment.
***
The day at the pond was amazing and truly relaxing. We just dropped Levi off at the airport, and it was hard to watch Jazzy have to let go of him. They’ll be separated for two weeks until she joins him in Dallas. I know Levi isn’t impressed leaving his pregnant wife behind, but he doesn’t have much of a choice.
“You can go sooner. I’ll be okay, Jazzy.”
“I’m not staying for you.” She turns down the street to Danielle’s. “I have to get things wrapped up.”
“Seriously, you should go. Surprise Levi.” I fiddle with the lock on the door. “I’m going to be okay. Really.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“He needs you, and you two have done so much for me.”
“Shut up, Killer and I are staying with you tonight. I don’t want to go home to an empty house.”
I shoot her a suspicious look.
“Listen, hooker, not everything is about you. I need a girls’ night.”
I laugh at her and know she’s genuinely missing Levi already. “I’d love to have you stay with me. Pizza and movies?”
“And ice cream and grilled cheese.”
“You are such a freakin’ weirdo. I can’t wait until your cravings go away.”
A large bouquet of flowers is sitting on the porch when we pull up to the house. It doesn’t surprise me that Levi had flowers sent here. Although the world knows him as a raging dickhead, he’s actually turned into quite the hopeless romantic.
“Levi is so sweet.” I open the door and hold Killer so Jazzy can get her bags.
I walk ahead of her to unlock the door. Digging into my pocket, I find my keys and pass the bouquet of yellow and pink roses. The envelope is peeking out, and I read the name “Jenni.”
I keep walking and thinking how sweet of Levi. It’s not until I unlock the door and set Killer down that the name on the envelope registers.
“Jenni,” Jazzy squeals at the same moment. When I turn around, she is standing on the step below the roses. “These are for you.”
The screen door snaps shut and I go back down by the flowers.
“Why are you looking at them like that?” Jazzy grips my hand. “They’re not poison or a bomb. Open the card.”
She places a quick kiss to my temple before she bounces off into the house.
“I’m showering first, biotch.”
“Okay,” I mumble back to her.
I sit down next to the flowers, scared to death to touch the card. My heart desperately wants them to be from a certain someone, but my brain reminds me I need to stay away from him. Delicately, I pull the card from the clear plastic holder.
Jenni,
I came back for you and I’m not leaving. I fucked up, but won’t give up. I love you.
Beau
Exhaling, I throw my head back, confused now. The card is placed on my heart, and I sit and watch the sunset wondering if Beau and I have a chance. And if it’s worth it to love. To love means loss is inevitable, and is it worth the risk this time?
***
“Jazzy, I’m never sleeping with you again.” Hot legs are wrapped around my midsection while a long arm drapes over my neck. I try to peel her away from my body. We are in a king size bed and she’s practically on top of me. If she hadn’t decided to fly out today to be with Levi, I’d shave one of her eyebrows or sketch a mustache on her using a permanent marker.
I’m going to miss her. Lynlee will be home in three weeks. I have to learn to survive again and find my way. Beau haunted my dreams last night. I felt his hands all over me and his scent filled the room. I know it was all my imagination, but I can’t get him off my mind. Flipping on the Keurig in the kitchen, I open the fridge trying to figure out something to whip up for breakfast. There’s plenty of cold pizza, but not much else. Out of habit, I open the freezer and see a large box of pizza pockets.
I know for a fact they weren’t there before. Beau must have snuck them into the house. The thought of someone able to get into my home should scare the piss out of me, but it’s just Beau. The one man who would literally kill for me. I have no doubt about that. My stomach growls as I mindlessly stare at the box.
“Ah, what the hell,” I say to myself.
After heating up two pockets, I walk out to the porch and settle in on the swinging chair. This was one of my favorite places to escape as a child, especially on warm spring mornings. The sun has been up for a while, and I wonder what time it is. Between escaping Jazzy’s hold in bed and the surprise of the pizza pockets, I never checked the time.
“I see you found them.”
The deep voice startles me into tossing up my plate. I screech in shock. “Holy shit.”
Beau stands at the bottom of the steps. He must have been off to the right of the stairs, hidden by the cement pillar.
“Jenni, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”
“To scare the ever loving shit out of me and burn my hands with boiling pizza sauce?”
There’s a heartbeat in my ears as my pulse thuds so loudly it almost hurts. I hold my hand to my chest as I try to calm down.
“I was getting ready to walk up when you came out.” Beau takes a few steps up the stairs and stands before me. He bends down and picks up my plate. One pizza pocket survived the fall, while the other one is on the cement pad of the porch. I watch as he picks up that one next and takes a big bite out of it.
He sits next to me, handing me my plate.
“Please don’t say anything, Jenni. Just let me talk.” He places his hand on my thigh. I cringe when I feel his touch again and want to ask him to remove it, but out of respect I let him say his piece.
“I love you. I fucked up. I never should’ve pushed you away like that. Jenni, please look at me.” His hand cradles my face, forcing my eyes to him. They were fixated on a tiny, pale pebble.
“I won’t take no for an answer. I pushed you away for a reason, and I’ll admit I didn’t do it right. I should have talked to you. But I had to fix myself and get right with my past.” Beau’s lips brush my forehead. “But I never stopped loving you.”
“I could never be mad at you for hurting and going through the pain you are. It’s something my mind will never be able to even begin to comprehend. But, Beau, you don’t push away people you love.” My voice begins to shake. “I needed you and you were gone. I called and texted you.”
“I know, and I
tried calling you back one time. I had to figure out what my future is, and now I know it’s you.”
I push back on his chest with a sense of outrage. “When? You never called.”
“I’ve been calling the last few weeks.” Beau stands, and I see the flare of anger in his eyes. “Check your fucking voicemail, Jenni.”
“I need time.” Bringing my knees to my chest and placing my cheek on my kneecap, I can’t look at him. “I just need time, Beau.”
I hear him moving and still don’t look up at him. It’s simply too painful to see him. Knowing he went away to get right with his past hurts. I wanted to be there with him and hold his hand. He touches the back of my head and I hear his pants rustle as his bends down.
“I love you, Jenni.” He kisses the top of my head for a long time. “I’ll keep loving you until you let me stay.”
He walks away and I finally pick up my head to watch him slowly move down the sidewalk. This is my chance, and I know I should yell for him. Tell him to stay and tell him how much I love him and need him in my life, but I don’t seize the moment.
“Holy swoony moment.” Jazzy steps out on the porch looking a hot mess. “That’s the shit movies are made of. You’re a fool, Jenni.”
Beau turns around before he gets in his truck and waves to Jazzy. She waves back with sleep still plastering her face and her crazy hair all a mess. Even her baby bump is peeking out below her white nightshirt.
“You’re dumb, Jenni. You are going to live a long, miserable, lonely life dreaming of that hot piece of ass. I bet you even buy a dildo and get off to pictures of him when you’re old and lonely.”
I’m listening, but not acknowledging her. My eyes are focused on Beau. He paused for a moment before getting in his truck, and it was my second chance to seize the moment, and I failed. His engine fires up with a roar. My body finally reacts.
I jump to my feet and begin screaming his name. Flying down the stairs two at a time, I continue to yell his name and wave my arms. He has his dark glasses on his face, and the windows are rolled up.
“Beau.”
