Annie got up, taking her empty coffee cup to the kitchen for a refill, then she sat down on the couch and opened up the laptop. She Googled agoraphobia and read about the causes and the treatment options. It wasn’t a disease that could be cured. It wasn’t even a disease. It was more of a panic or anxiety disorder that triggered attacks because of a perceived object of fear. In Trudie’s case, it was of course brought on by seeing her lover stabbed to death. Because it was such a horrific thing to witness, Trudie had never truly felt safe again since that day. Instead she avoided anything that could be a threat to her, which in her traumatized mind, was everything and everyone unknown to her.
Suggested treatments were drugs, of course, and therapies such as talk therapy, exposure and response prevention, systematic desensitization and cognitive behavioral therapy. Annie didn’t fully understand the concepts involved, but she bookmarked each webpage, took a sip of her coffee, and began reading.
Thirty minutes later, Annie realized the shower was still running. “Oh, shit!” Running into the bathroom, she was relieved to see that there wasn’t a flood of water pouring out of the tub. Unfortunately, the shower had run out of hot water, so it was either take a cold shower, which she would prefer not to do, or shut it off and take one later. She opted for the latter and went back to her research.
***
Trudie was surrounded by family and friends, but she still needed something to take the edge off. So an hour before it started, she took the lowest dose of Prozac and cut it in half. Enough to calm her nerves but not to make her jumpy. She rarely had to take anything anymore, but large crowds made her extremely nervous. After Leigh’s death, being around people she didn’t know could cause another panic attack, as it had at the first military book signing event she hosted in her condo. If not for Krystal, it would have been a disaster. She distracted the guests with a moving toast to Leigh, followed by a rounding chorus of the U.S. Air Force song, Off We Go into the Wild Blue Yonder.
“I am getting really tired of this life,” Trudie said to her reflection in the full-length mirror.
“Trudie, ready for the big show?” Noella asked, walking into the bedroom.
“Yep. Ready as I’ll ever be.”
Noella looked at her friend, calm, cool, and collected. “Ah, I see the Prozac is working,” she quipped.
“Just like always.”
“We had a few early arrivals, so there will be some strange faces when you walk out there, okay?”
“Oh. Okay. Sure. No problem.” Trudie reminded herself that this would happen. She inhaled deeply, then let it out slowly. “I’m ready.”
Trudie floated into the living room and greeted her guests. It was only two couples and their children, but seeing the uniforms brought fond memories to Trudie’s heart. She posed for pictures, made sure the children had toys, and then sat down to autograph some books. Deidra was by her side, ready with the next book to hand her.
The front door was left open, but Noella still stopped people at the door and checked their invitations against the list on her mini-iPad. Quite a few people had formed a line in front of Trudie.
She looked at the invitation in the next soldier’s hand and started to wave her in, when she recognized Annie.
“Annie? What are you doing here? We don’t need anything fixed. And why are you wearing that uniform? Is this some kind of trick?”
Annie held up her invitation. “No trick. I’m with the 19th Security Forces Squadron, and I was invited.”
The shocked look on Noella’s face was as satisfying as Annie thought it would be. Noella snatched the invitation from Annie’s hand and stepped to the side.
Annie declined the gifts and the drinks, and got in line behind three other people. She watched as Trudie smiled for the camera and then asked the soldier who she should make the book out to. There was an air of excitement in the room and in the pit of Annie’s stomach. Someone tapped her on the shoulder and she turned around.
“Did you come for the food, too, Sarge?”
Annie lifted her bag of books and said, “No, actually. I’m a big fan of Ms. Youngblood, Airman.”
“Wow, you sure are. Have you read all of those?”
“The first three I have, but then I only just bought these a few days ago,” Annie explained. She turned and took a step closer and then turned back to the Airman.
“You know she’s giving us the fifth book for free, right, Sarge?”
“Yes, but I didn’t want to wait.”
“Yep, you’re a fan all right. So is my girlfriend, Tina. She couldn’t come today, but she made me promise to get an autographed book for her. The things you do for love, right?”
Annie laughed. “Right.”
“Listen, some of the fellows and I go down to the sports bar on East Markham Street every Friday night, if you’d like to join us sometime?”
“Call me the next time you’re there, and if I’m not working, I’ll join you,” Annie replied, pulling out her wallet and taking her business card from it. It was the one she used for freelancing jobs.
The young Airman read the name on the card. “Nice to meet you, Nichols. My name is Airman First Class Jeff Davis. I look forward to seeing you behind the eight ball.”
“In your dreams, Davis,” Annie laughed, and turned back around just as it was her turn in line.
Trudie was looking at Deidra, who opened a book and flipped to the title page.
“Who would you like me to make this out to?” Trudie asked without looking up.
Annie sat her bag of books on the table and began fishing them out. “Just make them out to Annie, please.”
Trudie looked at the bag and then up at Annie.
“Oh, my God!” You take my breath away. She felt suddenly dizzy and swayed just a bit, but it was enough to frighten Annie.
Annie put her hand on Trudie’s shoulder. “Are you all right, Trudie?”
“I wasn’t expecting… you didn’t tell me you were in the Air Force.”
“Well, no. It didn’t come up, and I hadn’t picked up my invitation yet, so I didn’t know about this until yesterday. Is it all right that I’m here?”
Deidra glared at Annie. Trudie was upset and it was Annie’s fault. Who is this bitch to come in here and scare Trudie like that?
“Yes, of course, Staff Sergeant,” Trudie said, smiling up at her. My God, she looks so handsome in that uniform. “Oh, my God!” Trudie said again. “Your badge indicates that you’re a Security Forces Officer. My wife was military police also.” Trudie was so excited by this revelation that she rapid fired a series of questions before taking a breath. “Are you stationed at the base? My wife’s name was Leigh Warren, she was also a cop. Did you know her?”
“No, I’m sorry. I did not know your wife. I was deployed to Afghanistan for most of my active duty, and only recently transferred to the reserves, so I’m not on base much.”
“Oh, that’s too bad,” Trudie said dejectedly.
Annie felt sorry for her. She imagined that Trudie was looking for one more connection to her dead wife, and Annie wished it could have been her.
Trudie looked at the books again. “Oh, dear. You bought all my books? I would have been happy to give them to you.”
“I’m enjoying them very much. You have a wonderful way with words.”
Louise, Belinda and Sara stood in a corner, observing the obvious chemistry between Trudie and Annie.
“Look, she touched her on the shoulder,” Belinda noted.
“And Trudie just touched her on the hand,” Sara said.
“There is so much heat between those two right now that I’m surprised neither of them has orgasmed yet.”
“Ew, Mom,” both daughters cried at once.
Noella was watching, too, and she was barely holding her anger in check. She left her helper at the door and walked over to the table.
“Wow. I can’t get over how good you look in that uniform,” Trudie said, her eyes drinking in every ribbon, stripe and b
utton.
Krystal walked up and recognized Annie. “Hey, aren’t you the poor shmuck Lucy drooled on?” she asked.
Before Annie could reply, Noella walked up.
“Yes, Annie is full of surprises, but we need to keep the line moving, Trudie,” Noella coerced.
“Of course, but let the photographer get a picture first,” Trudie insisted, nodding at the photographer.
“Okay, Miss. Lean in close,” the photographer instructed.
“No. Let me come around front.” Trudie got up and walked around before Noella could protest.
Annie watched Trudie’s every movement. Suddenly her mouth went dry, and her heart began to thump in her chest. She wet her lips and said, “Wow, you look really great in that outfit.”
“What, this old thing?”
Noella angrily squinted her eyes. That was her line. Trudie is flirting with Annie now.
“Noella, darling. Your jealousy is showing,” Krystal badgered as she walked by.
Noella watched her walk away. Bitch.
“Yes, that old thing,” Annie said. “But then I’m pretty sure you’d look good in rags.”
Trudie tossed her head back and laughed, and Annie was mesmerized.
“Are you ready?” the photographer asked, pointing his camera at them.
“Yes, thank you,” Trudie replied.
“Say, do I get a photo for each book I bought?” Annie asked mischievously.
“Oh, absolutely,” Trudie assured her.
For their first picture, Annie, who was feeling cocky, pointed at Trudie and opened her mouth wide, like an excited fan posing with their idol. It wasn’t idol worship that Annie was feeling. It was something much more exciting and arousing.
“Okay, now let’s make funny faces,” Trudie suggested.
“I like the way you think,” Annie laughed.
“As long as I don’t see this on Twitter, or Facebook, or any of the other social pages, okay?”
“Deal. These are just for me,” Annie explained.
Trudie’s eyes soften. Just for her.
“Oh, yeah, I can feel the heat all the way over here,” Sara said.
Trudie and Annie did several different poses, all of them silly and playful. They were drawing quite a crowd and a few suggestions on how to pose. On the last photo, Louise suggested that they act like adults and pose like friends. Trudie and Annie looked at each other and laughed.
“Yes, Mother,” Trudie said and wrapped her arm around Annie’s waist.
Thank you, Mother! Annie laid her arm across Trudie’s shoulders and moved closer.
The photographer told them to smile, but before he took the final picture, Louise walked in front of him and asked if he had enough light. She blocked his view for a minute, distracting him with her questions. Trudie’s sisters joined in, telling Trudie to hold that pose until they got the photographer straightened out. Trudie looked up at Annie and shrugged.
“No problem, I’ve got all night,” Annie stated. And all morning, too.
Trudie’s hand tremble as she patted Annie’s back, wishing that her mother would never move out of the way. She could feel the warmth coming from Annie’s arm, the closeness of Annie’s body, and wondered if Annie could feel her trembling inside.
Louise introduced herself and her other two daughters to Annie and asked her a few probing questions that every mother asks.
“So, what are your intentions toward my daughter?” Louise asked.
“Mother!” Trudie exclaimed, her face flushing red. “I’m too old to have my mother embarrass me like that.”
“You’re never too old as long as I’m alive, sweetheart,” Louise chided.
“Ma’am.” Annie straightened her back as if she was responding to a drill instructor. “My intentions are to get my books signed by the author.”
“Is that right?” Louise asked with a smirk.
“Yes. Anything else will be at her discretion, ma’am.”
“Oh, you are good,” Louise quipped. She turned to Trudie and asked, “So, honey, what are your intentions toward Annie?”
“Mother, please,” Trudie complained, and buried her head in her hands.
Louise laughed and hugged Trudie. “All right, honey, I’ll let you off the hook for now.” She waved at her other two daughters. “Come on, girls, let’s get back to work.”
After they left, Trudie looked at Annie. “I’m so sorry about that.”
“It’s okay. At least she didn’t kick me out,” Annie replied.
Noella had had enough. “Okay, break it up. This party is to honor Leigh’s birthday, not let Annie monopolize your time all night.”
Annie turned beet red. “Damn. I’m sorry. I didn’t know this was her birthday.”
“And now you do,” Noella sniped.
“Noella, please,” Trudie implored.
“No, she’s right. I’m sorry, Trudie.” Annie didn’t wait for a reply and left without retrieving her books. She was humiliated, disappointed and ashamed. Noella was right, she had been monopolizing Trudie’s time, and that was wrong of her. She would never try to usurp Leigh’s importance. She just wanted to be close to Trudie for a few minutes. Damn that bitch, Noella!
Trudie watched disbelievingly as Annie walked out the door, then she turned on Noella. “Damn it, Noella. That was completely uncalled for.”
Noella pulled her to the side and asked, “How else was I going to get your attention? There are people waiting, Trudie. And like I said, this party is to honor your dead wife, and it didn’t look to me like you remembered that.”
Trudie gritted her teeth. “You’ve gone too far this time, Noella.”
“Is everything all right, honey?” Louise asked, deliberately interrupting.
“Yes, Mom,” Trudie replied, walking back behind the table. “Sorry about that, folks. Who’s next?” She sat down, still fuming, and snatched the book out of Deidra’s hands. She looked at the door, her heart wishing Annie would walk back through it, her brain telling her that it wasn’t going to happen.
***
After leaving Trudie’s, Annie went home to sulk. It irritated her that Noella was right, and infuriated her that Noella had deliberately sabotaged her in front of her squadron, but especially in front of Trudie. And yet she was aroused, too, because she still felt the closeness, the heat between them.
As soon as she got home, Annie took off her uniform and put it away and then put on cutoffs and a T-shirt. Then she paced. She paced for a long time, but her apartment was too small to get any real benefit from that, so she put on her tennis shoes and went out running. She wasn’t worried about how long she ran, or where she ran to, or that it was cold. She was worried about what Trudie thought. She probably hates me now.
“Hey, Sarge! Wait up.”
Annie recognized that voice and slowed her pace so the young Airman could catch up.
“I didn’t know you ran the Arkansas River Trail, too. We could be running buddies,” Jeff said, breathlessly.
“I don’t have a set trail, I just run wherever my feet take me,” Annie explained.
“Where’d you disappear to so fast at the party?”
“I had things to do,” Annie replied.
“You missed all the fun. That author lady didn’t take kindly to the angry lady’s bossiness.”
Annie stopped short and put her hands on her knees to steady her breathing. Then she looked at the young man. “What happened?”
“She said she had gone too far this time.”
Annie smirked. Vindication! She wasn’t vindictive as a rule, but this one was particularly sweet. It told her that Trudie cared enough to stand up for her, even against a friend who had known her a lot longer than Annie had.
“I think that mean lady is going to be fired,” the Airman said.
“No. Damn it.” Annie wasn’t that spiteful. She didn’t want anyone to be fired because of her. She certainly didn’t want to break up their friendship. I need to fix this.
Cha
pter Five
By the time Monday morning rolled around, Trudie was a mess. She’d had fitful dreams, full of accusations and guilt. For the first time in a long time, she was looking forward to her session with Kelly, so that she could confess everything.
Kelly observed the shadows under Trudie’s eyes, the disheveled clothes and tangled hair. She hadn’t seen Trudie this upset in quite a while. “You look like you’ve been put through the wringer. What’s going on?”
“Just a few nightmares, some guilt, some confusion, some self-loathing, you know, that kind of thing.”
“What brought this on?” Kelly asked.
“I feel guilty that I feel something for someone. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help it.”
“Okay, back up and tell me everything. Who do you have feelings for and why do you have them?”
Trudie held up a printed photograph of her and Annie together from Saturday. “Her name is Annie, and she’s so nice and unassuming. She’s funny, playful, warm, strong, compassionate, intelligent, and sexy as hell. Need I go on?
“No, no need. I get the picture, no pun intended,” Kelly said dryly. “And you feel guilty because of Leigh, is that right?”
Trudie covered her mouth and coughed. “Excuse me, I think I’m coming down with a cold. There were some children at the book signing Saturday that had the sniffles. Anyway, yes, that is right. My mom says that it’s not betraying Leigh, but that’s how I feel about it.”
“Have you spoken with her about it?”
“My mom? Yes.”
Kelly shook her head. “No, I mean Leigh. Have you asked how she feels about it?”
Trudie tilted her head and looked at her, confused.
“Write her a letter. Put it all down on paper and read it out loud as if you were reading it to her.”
Breaking into Prison Page 6
