by Amy DeMeritt
Sam: Can she give it to you the way you like? Is she freaky enough for you?”
My face blushes and I actually feel a twinge of yearning for her.
Me: Stop. Please. I can’t go down this road with you. I’m happy with her – really happy. She asked me not to talk to you anymore, and I think that’s probably for the best.
While I wait for her response, Madison texts to let me know she’s on her way. Great. Why did Sam have to text now, of all times? I slowly start my walk down the stairs to get the door for Madison and Sam responds.
Sam: No.
Me: What do you mean, no?
Sam: You’re not going to stop talking to me.
Me: I have to.
Sam: No, you don’t. What do you want?
Me: To make her happy.
Sam: What will make you happy? Are you ok with never talking to me again? Don’t you miss me?
Me: I can’t do this.
Sam: That tells me everything. I’m not leaving you alone, Kayla. I know you miss me.
Me: I have to go, she’s on her way over.
Sam: Ok, baby. I’ll talk to you soon.
Me: You’re a brat.
Sam: You like it.
Me: Bye.
Sam: XOXO
Just as I’m putting my phone in my pocket, Madison steps up in front of me with a huge smile that quickly falls when I look up at her. I hadn’t noticed she was already walking down the sidewalk because I had my face in my phone.
“What’s wrong?” I shake my head. “Nothing. Whitney’s not home, so you’ll probably be able to stay tonight. Ready to study?”
She doesn’t say anything, but just follows me up to my dorm. When the door is closed, she sets her bookbag down and sits on the bed, patting the space next to her. I sit down and she takes my hand.
“Kayla, talk to me.”
“I don’t want to ruin this day.”
“Knowing something is bothering you that you don’t want to talk about its going to be distracting from being able to enjoy today and tonight. So, either way, it’s probably better if you just talk about it.”
I exhale and pull back. I stand up and pace the floor. If I tell her about my conversation with Sam, will she ask to read it? I didn’t do so well with trying to shut Sam down. It really does reveal that I do miss her and I don’t really want to never talk to her again. But I told Madison I would and that I’d rather make her happy than make Sam happy. But Sam is right. It wouldn’t make me happy if I never speak to her again.
“Kayla, you’re starting to scare me.” I look over at her and her hands are tightly clasped in her lap and her eyebrows are pinched. “Sorry. I just don’t want to upset you or make you question us.”
The nervousness on her face increases and it makes my stomach churn with sickness.
“Sam texted me, just before you got here.” She inhales deeply, trying to steady herself. “I haven’t talked to her in a week, so I haven’t been able to tell her that I can’t talk to her anymore. I tried to tell her before you got here, but she wouldn’t have it. She basically said she’s not leaving me alone.”
“Come here.” I walk back to the bed and sit down next to her. Madison places a hand on my thigh and one on my cheek, looking in my eyes. “Kayla, I don’t expect it to happen immediately. You two were together for seven months and knew each other even longer. I’ve only been in your life a few weeks. I know it’s going to take time to completely cut ties.”
“But what if she doesn’t allow it to ever happen?”
“As long as I never have to doubt who you belong to, I’ll have to deal with it.”
“What if I’m not ready to cut that tie completely?” She frowns and looks at my lips a moment. “In what capacity?”
“Just to talk. We used to be able to talk like best friends. When she’s not being weird about the breakup, we have that again.”
“Why do you need that from her? Don’t you have other friends that you can have the same kind of conversations with?”
“Not really. I’ve never been good at expressing in words how I feel or what I want or whatever. Most people just give up trying to figure me out, but Sam fights it out of me. She makes me be expressive.”
“Do I need to worry about losing you to her if she wants you back?” I shake my head. “No. I would never give you up for her. While she fights it out of me, expression comes out freely for you.”
“So, you are more comfortable with me to share your deepest thoughts and feelings, but because she cares enough to drag it out of you, you still want to hold onto the friendship if you can?”
“Yeah, is that ok?”
“Ok, baby. I hope it doesn’t cause you or us problems. I hope she can accept the limits to the relationship.”
“I won’t allow it to hurt us. I love you, Madison, and I’ll never do anything to risk losing you.” She smiles and straddles my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck. “See, our beautiful day wasn’t ruined.”
Chapter Thirteen
I don’t have any classes today, but Madison does. I sent Shane a text to see if she wants to hang out because we haven’t had a chance to do anything in about a week, but she’s hanging out with her girlfriend. I’m really surprised that their relationship has lasted this long, considering the girl used to belong to a group of anti-gay bible huggers that wanted to see us all burn at the stake. I sent Josh a text, but he has hockey practice. He did invite us to another party tomorrow night, so I’m pretty excited about that. It’s been a few weeks since the last party and I am dying to dance with Madison again.
I have homework I should be doing, but I don’t feel like it. I’m lying on my bed bored. I pull my phone out and look through my text message threads, trying to decide who I want to talk to. Awenasa is in tribal council today, so I know she won’t be able to talk, but I decide to send her a message anyway because I miss her.
Me: I know you’re in council today, but I couldn’t just scroll passed your name without saying hello. Two months closer to seeing you, but it’s still too far away.
As I’m backing out of the thread to keep looking for someone that might actually be able to have a conversation, I’m surprised a response comes through pretty quickly.
Awenasa: Hello, my love. I miss you too. We’re taking a break, so I have a few minutes to talk.
Me: How is the council meeting going?
Awenasa: Very good. A couple elders are planning on retiring this year, so we’re going through records and so forth to pick potential replacements. We have some promising candidates that could provide good leadership for many years to come.
Me: That’s fantastic. I love how involved you are with our culture and the leadership of our people. Of course, it means I don’t get to see you often, but I know it makes you happy.
Awenasa: It makes me very happy to help our ways survive, but I am still happiest with you. Responsibility will give way to that soon.
Me: What do you mean, love?
Awenasa: Next summer, we’ll talk about its meaning. How are things there? Everything still going well with the new girlfriend?
Me: Yeah, we’re good. She doesn’t have that jealousy issue that Sam has. It’s really nice not having that conflict all the time.
Awenasa: That’s good. It gives me comfort to know that you are happy.
Me: I am. I think you’ll like Madison. She reminds me of you sometimes. She sings beautifully like you and seems to have that fearless sense of adventure that you and I have together. I didn’t tell her what we were doing in advance, and she just followed me out of campus, into the woods, and to a cornfield, to make daytime fireworks, without questioning where we were going and wasn’t nervous at all.
Awenasa: I’m sure I will. Everything you’ve told me about her so far sounds like she’s a very good person and complements you well.
Me: Are you, um, well, you know?
Awenasa: Are you trying to ask me if I’m talking to anyone, puppy?
Me: Yeah.
/> Awenasa: No, my heart belongs to you, my love.
Me: I love you so much. What’s going to happen in the summer?
Awenasa: I love you too. You and I will finally be together.
Me: We see each other every summer. Is there a bigger significance this time?
Awenasa: If all goes as planned, yes, but I can’t tell you details yet.
Me: Is it good news?
Awenasa: The best.
Me: I’m smiling like a fool. I wish I could hold you right now.
Awenasa: I love when you smile like that. Ok, puppy, I have to get back. I’ll talk to you soon. I love you.
Me: I love you too.
I wish she would tell me what’s going to happen in the summer. I have my theories and wishes, but I don’t want to get my hopes up. I close out of her thread and continue my search for someone else I want to try to pass some time with talking to. I’m surprised that Sam’s name is so far down in the list of recent contacts. We haven’t talked in about a week. The last conversation we had was nice, but also strained. Sam wants more than just a friendship. She wants me to tell her she still has a chance, that we still have a chance, but I can’t do that.
She knows I love Madison, so I don’t know if this insistence on wanting more is just jealousy because I’ve never said those words to her, or if maybe Sam does love me and is mad that I will say it to Madison and not to her.
I pull up her thread and start to type a message, but I feel a heavy weight in my chest at the thought of talking to her and hurting her more with not being able to say what she wants me to. So, I delete the message and back out of her thread. I close my phone and stare up at the ceiling. I really care about Sam and I miss her a lot. It hurts when we talk because I can’t give her what she wants. I don’t regret it, because I’m in love with Madison and wouldn’t want to lose her, but I don’t like that I make Sam sad and hurt.
“What’s with you?”
I look over to the door and Whitney has just walked in. She dumps her bookbag on the floor next to her desk and sits down on the edge of her bed. She takes her black riding style boots off and scoots back on the bed, looking at me and waiting for my answer.
“Bored.”
“I don’t mean this in a rude way, but do you do anything besides classes and hanging out with your girlfriend?” I laugh and shake my head. “Damn, I knew I had become a social loser since I came here, but even you, who I hardly ever see, has noticed.” Whitney laughs and shakes her head. “Were you more of a ‘social butterfly’ before you came here?”
“I would never use butterfly as a descriptor for myself. They are too beautiful and graceful. But, I was more social and outgoing.”
“Well, you are beautiful and I’ve heard that you can dance. So, get over it – butterfly fits you. Does meeting new people scare you?” I laugh and shake my head. “Fine, I’ll get over it. No, I’m not afraid of meeting new people. I think I’ve just been too wrapped up in my head and with the few relationships I have here and the ones from back home that I haven’t made space in my day to get to know anyone else.”
“I was like that the first few weeks here. But when Darren and I had our big fight, I was forced to try to interact with other people so that he wasn’t my whole world here. I love him, but I was starting to feel stifled. I needed my own space and time. I needed to do stuff with other people and not just him.”
“I don’t feel stifled though. I’m happy with how things have been.”
“Maybe. But when your little group is busy, you have no one else to fill the time with while you wait for them to become available again.”
“True, but do I need to fill all of my time with other people?” She laughs and lays down on her side with her head resting on her propped-up hand. “I guess that’s true. You should be content with some solo time.”
“So, what are you doing? While I am enjoying actually talking to you, instead of just seeing your jet trails as you zoom in and out of here, why the unusual visit?” She laughs again. “Sorry, I guess I have been a bit anti-social as a roommate. I just finished my last class and just wanted to veg out in my bed. Darren wanted to get lunch with friends, but I don’t feel like it.”
“And here you are telling me that I’m anti-social and need to get out and meet more people, while all along you wanted to join me in my anti-socialness. Or maybe it was your sneaky way of making me feel like a loser and forcing me out of the room so you could have it all to yourself.” She laughs hard and throws her pillow at me. “Shut up. I wasn’t trying to make you feel like a loser.” I laugh and add her pillow to mine and lay on it. She laughs and sits up. “Seriously, you’re going to keep my pillow now?”
“You weren’t using it and it smells nice. I’m claiming this as retribution for the cruel attack to my social skills and ego.”
“You’re keeping my pillow because it smells nice? What does it smell like? We use the same laundry detergent.” I take a whiff of her pillow and my eyes close in pleasure. “It smells like coconut and cocoa butter.”
“That’s from the stuff I put in my hair. Do I have to worry about you stealing my pillow now when I’m not here?”
“Maybe. It’s not like you’re ever here to use it anyway.” She gets up with a smile and walks over to my bed. She slaps my thigh. “Move over. If you’re keeping my pillow, you have to share.” I laugh and slide over some. She lays down next to me with her head close to mine and her body touching mine. She leans into me a moment and smiles. “You smell good too. Is your girl going to wonder why you and your bed have an unfamiliar scent?”
“She’ll probably be just as in disbelief of this story as I am right now.” Whitney laughs and smacks my leg. “Ok, I get it. I’ve been a horrible roommate. How are things with her?”
“Great. She’s amazing.”
“That’s good. How are things with the ex? You still trying to be friends with her?”
“I don’t really know how it’s going. We’re trying to be friends, but she wants me back. I haven’t talked to her in a week. I was actually thinking about texting her just before you got here, but decided I shouldn’t because I don’t want to hurt her.”
“I’m guessing you like your current girlfriend better?”
“Yeah. I care about Sam, but I love Madison more.”
“I’ve been with Darren for a long time and I’d like to say we’d never break up, but if we did, I don’t think I’d be able to be friends with him. It would just be too hard having to relive all of those old feelings and memories.”
“It definitely makes it weird.”
“Is Madison ok with you talking to her still?”
“Yeah, she knows I love her more and she doesn’t have any competition with Sam.”
“Well, at least you don’t have that added stress of having to defend your ability to be friends with Sam. Darren couldn’t handle me being friends with one of my exes, and I just couldn’t deal with the fights and arguments anymore, so I had to push my ex away. I never could get him to understand that he didn’t have anything to be jealous about. I didn’t love him and I never even had sex with him. Darren gets jealous easily though. When we were fighting, he swore I was sleeping with you because you’re gay. It was ridiculous.”
“Why would he think that when you almost never sleep here?”
“He didn’t know where I was staying. I’m not always with him. Sometimes I spend the night with a friend.”
“Trying to avoid me or something?” She laughs and smacks my stomach. “No. I like to cuddle and I know it wouldn’t be appropriate to try to cuddle with my gay roommate. Especially, when your girlfriend is here most of the time. I don’t think she’d appreciate that. And God forbid Darren find out I cuddled with you. Good lord.” I laugh hard. “Get the hell out of my bed, Whitney. I don’t need your boyfriend finding out about this and beating me up.” She laughs and rolls over on her side to face me. “Shut up. I’m not going to tell him about this. He thinks I’m with a study group right now.
”
“Why are you with someone that makes you feel like you have to lie and hide stuff from just to avoid a fight?” She frowns and looks in my eyes in a sad defeated way. “I do love him, but some days it does seem like it’s harder than it should be. You don’t have to hide anything from Madison?”
“Nothing. I can tell Madison anything and we can talk about anything without fighting. Sam was different though. Sam had jealousy problems.”
“Did it make you question if you should stay with her?”
“Sometimes. I liked most of her craziness though. It was only when she accused me of doing or wanting something that wasn’t true. We were at a party once and we were dancing together, but she decided to talk to some friends while a song was on that she didn’t like. Another girl that had a thing for me started dancing with me and when Sam saw, she went nuts. She cussed the girl out and then accused me of wanting to have sex with her. Which I didn’t and I had never even just fantasied about doing that. Stuff like that would make me pissed off and make me think I shouldn’t be with her.”
“If Madison did that, would you question if you should be with her?”
“If it was a misunderstanding, no. But if she had no justification for her accusations like when Sam used to do it to me, then yeah, I’d start to reevaluate the relationship. I can’t stay with someone that can’t trust me and accuses me of stuff I haven’t done.”
She lays her head down, still facing me in a sad way. I lift my arm up above my head and she immediately moves over to lay on my chest. I wrap my arm around her and hold her close. She rests her hand on my stomach and inhales deeply.
“I don’t know what I should do. I’m just tired of the fights and having to explain myself all the time. I’m tired of being made to feel like a slut. He’s the only person I’ve ever slept with and he knows that, but he’s always accusing me of fucking someone or wanting to fuck someone.”
