by Sienna Parks
She’s marching down the block, forcing me to run to catch up with her. “Addi, wait a minute, let me explain.” I try to grab her arm to stop her walking away, but she rips it from my grasp.
“You don’t have to explain anything to me, Carter. I know you’re a player; I knew it when we hooked up, I just didn’t realize that you had a conveyor belt going. I don’t intend to ride that train again, so I’ll be going now. Nice knowing you.” How dare she judge me.
“Don’t get all fucking high and mighty on me, Addi. I wanted you, and you know it. You were the one that ignored me, and then turned up in my club letting some random guy grope all over you.”
“I didn’t know it was your club! God. And you were the one that wound me up and then discarded me like I was nothing.”
She has some nerve.
“Don’t give me that bull, Addi. I came out to get you and you blew me off. Then I watched you get in the cab with that prick, so don’t accuse me of being a fucking player. You play the game pretty damn well yourself.”
“Yeah, I went home with him, and I fucked him, and it was great… fucking amazing actually. Best sex of my life.”
I can’t believe we are having this conversation in the middle of the goddamn street, but fuck it. “That’s a load of crap and you know it. I was there, remember… I KNOW how it felt when I was deep inside you, baby. You fucking loved it, and it scared the shit out of you.” I lean in close, my rage threatening to boil over.
“Tell me it wasn’t my face you saw while he fucked you. Tell me you weren’t imagining it was my cock hammering in and out of you, just so you could get off.”
“You arrogant bastard.” She starts hitting me, pounding on my chest.
“How many women have you slept with since we were together?”
“Why the fuck does that matter? You don’t even want me.”
“Just answer the goddamn question, Carter.”
I know I’m going to regret this. “SEVEN!! Are you happy now? Does that make you feel better, Addi? Since I watched you get into the car with that fucking dickhead I’ve slept with seven women trying to forget you, and two of them were at the same time! I pictured you every time just so I could shoot my load and get the fuck away from them, because none of them made me feel the way you do.” I have to hold her hands to stop her from hitting me as she struggles to contain her emotions.
“You disgust me you know that? Don’t ever touch me again. Let go of me… NOW.” I do as she asks, the look of defeat and disappointment on her face, stabbing a knife into my heart.
“Addi, this isn’t easy for either of us. I don’t ever let women in; I don’t normally do the relationship thing; and I don’t talk about my feelings – because generally I don’t have any when it comes to women I sleep with. I know that sounds shitty, but I have my own demons to bear and this is how I’ve dealt with them. Then you come along and wreck it, making me feel… I don’t even fucking know what I feel, but I know this much - I want you, I want to be inside you, giving you pleasure and watching the way your body moves as you come apart beneath me.”
“Don’t spin me another one of your bullshit lines.” Now I’m fucking angry. I just poured my heart out and this is what I get?
“It’s not a fucking line, Addi. Here’s the reality. If you hadn’t shut me out after our last night together, I wouldn’t have slept with any of those women. I would have been worshipping your body; indulging your every desire; begging you to ride my cock. But that wasn’t the case, and I dealt with it the only way I know how.”
A single tear rolls down her cheek as she drops her head in defeat.
“I need to go. Please… just let me go. Whatever this is between us… this attraction… it’s toxic, for both of us. I don’t want to see you again, Carter. Don’t call; don’t try to contact me at all. Let’s just walk away while we’re both still relatively unscathed… Please.” The pain in her eyes kills me, and I know I need to let her go.
“I’m sorry, Addi.” I kiss her cheek, inhaling the scent of her, letting it ingrain itself in my memory before I turn and walk away, forcing each step; every stride away from her causing a tightening in my chest that I don’t understand. I barely know this girl and yet I’m fighting the urge to turn and take one last look at her; to go back and claim her, to fuck her until neither of us can question the physical connection we share. Fuck, I hate this. I need to talk to Xander and get my head straightened out.
ADDI
The tears stream down my face as I watch him walk into the distance. I asked him to do it, but it still hurts to see his strong, broad shoulders getting further away from me without so much as a second glance in my direction. I guess he wasn’t as bothered as he made out to be. I can’t believe I fell for his bullshit player moves. I practically begged him to take me home, even after the stunt he pulled last week.
I know I did the right thing asking him not to contact me again, because I have a weak spot when it comes to him. Why? I don’t know. Everything about him speaks to me on a molecular level, and apparently, I lack any self-control around him. I know it’s for the best… so why do I feel like someone just ripped my guts out?
As I walk back to my apartment I soak in the New York atmosphere, letting it wash over me, trying to stop myself from going to my bad place, which I affectionately call ‘the abyss.’ I think I’m fighting a losing battle as the darkness wraps its creeping tendrils around me, the storm of emotional turmoil quieting like the eye of a storm. I am at the epicenter of all the pain, all of the hurt, and an eerie calm washes over me. Everything I’m feeling - ceases in an instant; I no longer feel anything. I’m an empty shell. Carter becomes a picture in my mind, with no attachments, no fear, and no sadness. This is how I survive the bad in my life; how I deal with it.
By the time I reach the lobby of my apartment, I am completely numb, ready to paint on a smile, and my signature Addi charms for Lily. If it wasn’t for her I would have succumbed to the darkness that bubbles beneath the surface a long time ago.
I'm one of those people that everyone sees and thinks I have it all - looks, money, a family that love me, and the best friend a girl could ever wish for. All of those things are true, but unbeknown to everyone around me, the other truth in my life is that Gavin broke me, and fundamentally changed who I am. Carter is just a symptom of that. He seems like a genuine guy, a bit of a player, but he pulls it off with such swagger that you want him even if it’s just for one night. I was under no illusions that I could change him, and I don't want to, that's what is so confusing about the way tonight played out.
I was so upset seeing that waitress, and hearing about the women he slept with since we hooked up. Ridiculous, right? I did the same thing with Colin, but I hated every minute of it, and wished it hadn't happened the second it was over. I really am a colossal twat. That much is certain.
Graduation is tomorrow and I should be looking for a job with all of my free time, but my main goal over the past two days has been to eat my own body weight in junk food. I have managed to spend some time with Lily, which is becoming a rare commodity now that she’s with Xander. Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond happy for her, and he’s a cool guy, but I could really use my friend at the moment. She’s been going for interviews, making plans, and getting laid… A LOT. Me? I’m in limbo. I majored in advertising and would like to go into the field, but my motivation is non-existent. I guess I suffer from spoiled rich girl syndrome, along with extreme fucked-up-itis. I just need to get through graduation with a smile on my face and then I can get my drink on with Lil. I need a drama free night, so freaking bad.
I head to bed early with only my dreams for company; the same dream I’ve had every night since Spyder – I relive our interaction… and every night it plays out the same. There is no fight, no frustration, there is only kissing, fondling, caressing and the fucking I so desperately crave. It is glorious and mind-blowing, but every morning I wake up sweating and damp between my thighs; so frustrated I can’t even think
straight until I give in and replay the dream with my battery-operated boyfriend below the sheets. I tease my sweet spot, imagining it to be the strong, firm, warm hand of Carter de Rossi. It makes me want him 24/7, and it makes me hate him all the more for it.
I’ve never gotten myself off so much in all my life… if I don’t get over this fantasy soon, Energizer is going to run out of stock! I might even have spent a little extra time with the showerhead today, just to alleviate the remnants of my frustration before getting dressed and ready to graduate.
Lily and I have an amazing day together. We cheer each other on as we accept our degrees, and I try my best to run interference between her and her family. She was a little apprehensive about Xander seeing how they treat her, but I know it won’t change the way he feels about her. He called me the other day to ask if she had a valid passport, which only means one thing… he’s taking her abroad, and you don’t plan trips like that unless you’re in love with the person, and he is definitely a total goner when it comes to my best friend.
I leave them and make my way to Jason’s restaurant with my parents. It’s so nice to share today with them, to feel surrounded by the love and acceptance of my family. I didn’t realize how much I needed it until my daddy gave me a crushing hug and told me how proud he is. It’s comforting to bask in the glow of family and friends.
Jason has decked out the restaurant and spared no expense. It is definitely more for Lily - it has Xander written all over it, but I’ll take what I can get. Today has been a perfect day. I have my best friend, my family, my Jason. The drinks are flowing, the food will be phenomenal and we’ll be doing some major celebrating later after the oldies go home. Lily found out she got the job that she wanted, she’s going to be travelling with Mr. Moneybags to somewhere awesome I’m sure, and obviously we were already going to celebrate graduation with some dirty dancing. I’m giddy at the prospect of such a fun evening.
At the sound of the doors to the restaurant opening, I lift my gaze… Shit! I see the imposing, delectable figure that is Logan, and realization kicks in… he won’t be here alone. As if I willed him into existence, Carter emerges from the doorway and my heart drops like a stone, through my chest, cascading down my body, and smashing onto the floor with an almighty thud. Panic rises as our eyes lock; his - broken as he registers what must be a look of horror on my face. I can’t do this. I can’t stare into the depths that have plagued my dreams for days. Self-preservation is all I can handle.
I take my seat while everyone welcomes them. I give Logan a nod of acknowledgement, and can feel Carter’s eyes burning into me, begging me to give him a glance, a nod, a smile… anything, but all I can do is stare at the place card with my name on it and pray that he can’t see my heart hammering in my chest.
After trying to distract myself talking to my parents throughout dinner, I can’t help taking a peek when I hear Lily’s sisters laughing in a totally obvious way, and very loudly flirting with Logan and Carter. I want to rip their tiny little heads off when I see them shamelessly shoving their chests out and twirling their hair. Are we in junior high again with these lame moves? The waiter comes over to take our drink orders while dessert is being served, and I take the opportunity to order the strongest alcoholic drink I can stomach. I need some more liquid courage if I am going to survive tonight.
Unfortunately for me, Lily manages to catch my eye and I know she wants me to meet her in the bathroom – best friend code; a death stare means get to the bathroom NOW! I steel myself for whatever she has to say, but I am not prepared for her outburst the moment the door closes behind us.
“What the fuck is going on?” I hate lying to Lily, but I can’t tell her anything… it would change… everything.
She cusses me out for a good five minutes but nothing really strikes a chord until…
“…I’m saying this because I love you. I don’t want you to miss out on a great guy because of that douchebag Gavin.” I feel like I’ve been punched in the guts at the mention of his name. “Don’t let Gavin win.” Lily walks out of the bathroom and leaves me in my own personal hell.
I sink to the floor, my chest constricting as the enormity of her words wash over me; a cold shower of emotion, raining down on me, chilling me to my core. All this time - my love ‘em and leave ‘em lifestyle… I thought I was taking control and doing things my way. Everything I believed was utter bullshit, and the revelation is unsettling. I can’t believe I’ve been letting that dick Gavin dictate my life all this time without even realizing it. I feel like such a fool.
I can’t bring myself to face everyone just yet. I pull myself up off the floor and take a good long look at myself in the mirror. I can see it in my eyes – what Carter saw; the brokenness, the sorrow. He is the only man that has ever seen it, the only man who evokes such strong emotion in me that I can’t keep up the façade. I want to give him a chance, I really do, but I don’t know if I can I get past the other night and the extent of his man-whoring. I believed him when he said none of that would have happened if I hadn’t pushed him away and slept with Colin.
I take a few minutes to compose myself, fix my makeup, and come to the decision that Lily is right. I need to at least give whatever this is with Carter a chance, or Gavin wins… again. I don’t know if I can do this, but I’m going to try. I head back out to the party, thank Lily and tell her I love her, before sitting down and letting myself look straight into the eyes of the man that twists me inside out.
As soon as we lock eyes, our gaze is transfixed on each other. My small smile and acknowledgement of his presence gains me a massive shit-eating grin. From that moment on, I am mesmerized by his every move. Even across the room I can feel the tension building between us, desire unfurling in my stomach.
The rest of dinner is a blur, and suddenly I find myself saying goodbye to my family and Lily’s mom, before being swept away to Cube with Carter and the others. Xander and Lily make their own way there, which gives me a little time to clear the air with Carter. He is a true gentleman about it. He doesn’t make me feel bad, and he doesn’t make me grovel for another chance. As soon as I open my mouth to speak, he reads my mind, swooping down to silence my lips with a kiss.
“We’ll take it slowly, Tesoro. A fresh start… okay?” The tender smile he gives me before touching his lips to mine is my undoing. I don’t know how, but this man just gets me. He understands my reluctance and my willingness - and the war that they wage inside me. He takes me by the hand and leads me back into the club. The last time we were in one of his clubs together it didn’t go so well and my muscles stiffen, betraying my concern.
“Don’t worry, sweetheart. This is going to be fine… we are going to be fine. I’m not going to tease you or rile you up, or leave with anyone but you. I will be in your bed, making you moan my name tonight, and any night after this that you want me.” Okay, that made me a little weak at the knees and he didn’t even curse! What happened to him since I last saw him?
We have a fabulous night, and the electricity between us fuels our every move, our every breath, the anticipation of what’s to come clouding my every thought. I barely register anyone around me when Carter is in such close proximity. The chatting, drinking, and dancing, feels so easy and so… right, between us. I am beyond turned on by the time he takes me back to my apartment, leads me to my bedroom and proceeds to fuck me until I’m a limp heap of overused muscles, powerless to refuse his ministrations. Not that I would ever refuse them - the man is a sex god to rival all sex gods! I think I’m going to start calling him Himeros – seriously… that is how freaking amazing this man is at fucking me.
Carter stays the night, and I don’t try to kick him out. I actually kind of enjoy falling asleep in his arms; waking up, making breakfast for us and saying goodbye with a long, sweet, hot kiss before agreeing to let him take me on our first official date on Sunday night. I’m sort of excited about it. I know we’ve slept together more than once already, but a date is different, and a tiny swarm of fi
reflies start circling in the pit of my stomach in nervous anticipation.
I get to spend Saturday night with Lily before she sets off for London, which is awesome. We laugh, we eat, we drink and we pass out late after getting her packed for her trip. I spend Sunday afternoon getting showered and shaving all the necessary areas getting ready for my date.
There’s a buzz from the doorman at 7 p.m. sharp and I am more than ready to venture out on my first date with Mr. de Rossi. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this excited to go anywhere with a man… and I don’t even know where we’re going.
CARTER
I’m taking a whole different approach with Addi tonight for our first official date. No wining and dining, no dressing to impress or dancing the night away. We’ve done the club thing enough already. She put her faith in me on Friday night and I want to build on that - start to get to know her properly. I know I sound like a dweeb, but fuck me; she just brings it out in me. That should probably set the alarm bells ringing and make me run a mile, but I fucking want to be around her… I admit it… I’m Carter de Rossi and I’m a pussy-whipped loser for a girl I’ve slept with three times. I’m worse than Xander!
When I arrive to pick up Addi, I decide it’s best if I just whisk her out of her apartment as quickly as possible because if I’m in an empty room with her for more than two minutes, I will have her naked and writhing beneath me, while I fuck her all goddamn night. I think she’s a bit surprised when I hustle her out the door. I decide not to tell her where we’re going… she’ll know soon enough and I hope she likes it. I didn’t bring my car tonight, so I just hail a cab to take us to our destination.
As soon as I give the address to the driver, a wide grin spreads across Addi’s face. She’s so damn cute right now. “Are you taking me bowling?”
“Hell yes, I am! I thought it would be fun. I bet all the guys want to wine and dine you, and you’re obviously used to the finer things in life already, so I figured, why not do something fun? Plus, I get to check out that fine ass of yours bending over all night. It’s a win/win situation really.” She throws her head back and lets out a genuine belly laugh, and a slight snort escapes her. It’s so fucking adorable.
