by Sienna Parks
“You’ll be sleeping out in the hallway if you keep that shit up.” Only Addi and I would be trash talking each other at a time like this, in the most romantic setting on Earth, in a fucking fairytale moment. It’s why I love her so much.
“Oh My God. Can I at least feed you before you throw me out on my ass?”
She gives me a sly grin. “Well, okay then. If you must!”
We have a magical evening. The food, the surroundings, and most of all the company is perfect. We laugh and joke, Addi even manages to say some really sweet things to me, and as our evening draws to an end, I remember the one thing we have left to do. “We need to go back to La Fontana di Trevi.”
“I won’t say no! But why do we need to go back? You’ve got me intrigued.”
“We didn’t throw money in the fountain.”
She looks at me as if I’ve just escaped from the asylum. “AND?”
“It’s easier if I just show you.” I take her hand and run through the streets of Rome.
“Hey, hotshot. Next time, you get to run on freaking cobbles in five inch heels! Slow the hell down.”
“Sorry, baby. I just really want to do this with you.”
I can see her mind working; the glint of mischief in her eye. “Oh, are we having filthy fountain sex?”
“I fucking wish, but no… dirty girl.” We walk out into the piazza; busy and beautiful in the moonlight. “We need to throw coins in.”
“You’re an idiot. You know that, right?”
“Just follow me.” I lead her to the edge of the fountain. “Turn around.”
“If you push me in, I’ll kill you. Just so we’re clear.”
“So, you would let me fuck you in front of all these people, but if I pushed you in the water, that would be a deal breaker? You’re definitely my kind of woman. Now do what you’re told for once in your life. Turn around with your back to the fountain.” She finally does as I ask. She’s as stubborn as a fucking mule sometimes. I hand her a coin. “Now hold my hand and throw the coins over your shoulder. If they land in the fountain it means we’ll come back here together someday.”
Her hand tightens around mine. “That would be a dream come true.” She fucking melts me.
“On the count of three. One… two… three.” We toss the coins over our shoulders, turning quickly to watch as they splash into the water. “The fountain has spoken. We’ll be back here one day, Addison Warner. You and me, together.” She doesn’t say a word - she just holds me, snaking her slender arms around my waist, pushing her face tight to my chest.
We stand this way for a few minutes before a man playing the violin tries to serenade us. I would usually tell these guys to get lost, but something about the way Addi clings to me makes me want to have this clichéd moment with her. I slip the guy a few Euros and tell him to play A Thousand Years by Christina Perri. Addi loves those shit vampire movies and I know she’ll appreciate the gesture.
“Dance with me.” It’s a profound moment, dancing with her, in this place, the music playing gently in the background as our bodies sway in time. I can sense that my life will never be the same.
When the music stops, I lift her into my arms and carry her back to the hotel. By the time I reach our suite and open the door, she’s asleep in my arms. I try to lie her down gently on the bed, but her slender frame clings to me as her sweet voice whispers against my chest. “Make love to me, Carter. One last time… in Italy.” Who am I to deny her? I slowly strip her naked, savoring every inch of her beautiful body, unwrapping her like the gift that she is to me. Then, she watches as I slowly remove my clothes, dropping them to the floor before climbing on the bed beside her.
“Tell me what you want, Tesoro.”
“You, Carter. I’ll only ever want you. I need to feel you inside me, please.” My heart aches in my chest at the yearning in her eyes. I straddle her, positioning myself at her entrance, coating myself in her arousal before leaning down to kiss her sleep swollen lips. As our kiss deepens I slide inside, my breath catching at the exquisite pleasure it brings me; every hard inch of me sinking deeper inside her. The sexy little moan that escapes her makes my dick twitch, causing her warm, wet walls to clench around me, and it feels fucking fantastic.
We move together, enjoying every slow, tantalizing thrust; savoring how our bodies fit as if we were made for each other’s pleasure. She falls apart beneath me in wave after wave of intense orgasms, her body so attuned to my own. When I feel the beginnings of my own release, I don’t chase it, I take my time, working Addi into a frenzy for one last mind-altering climax. When she crashes over the edge, my name a prayer on her lips, I crash right along with her. I feel like it goes on for hours as I ride it out, groaning her name as I claim her lips with my own. It is so fucking intense.
I fall asleep happy and sated with Addi in my arms, her whispered words of affection a perfect lullaby.
“I love you, Carter.”
ADDI
One Week Later
I’ve been putting off the inevitable for a week now. We arrived back from Italy last week, and life has just felt so perfect, aside from my early morning secret bouts of hugging the toilet bowl. I’ve gotten hiding it from Carter down to a fine art. We’ve spent most of this week at his place, thrown back into the daily grind of life and work in Manhattan, but the few short hours we’ve had together at night have been intense, passionate, and filled with tenderness. It’s difficult to go from being with someone 24/7 for over two weeks, to hardly seeing each other. I had planned on making a clean break when we got back, but I’ve been a coward, and I’ve been selfish, telling myself that one more day with him would be enough. But it will never be enough. The words have been on the tip of my tongue so many times - and so many times, I’ve tried to convince myself that he would come around to the idea of having a child, and that he wouldn’t resent me for it. Deep down, the fear that twists in my gut, unfurling like a dark, black cancer, stops me from saying those three little words – I am pregnant.
I’m getting ready for dinner with Carter, I know that tonight is the night I need to break up with him. I can’t just disappear, or leave him a note. We’ve been through too much together for that, and I love him too much to leave him with questions, or any hope that we’ll work it out. As I stare at myself in the mirror, applying the finishing touches to my makeup, the questions tormenting me are simple – how do you convince someone that you love more than anything in the world, that you don’t love them anymore? That you never loved them? That the magical time you spent together meant nothing more than great sex?
I tell myself that I only need to convince him of that tonight, just long enough for me to leave New York, because he will realize that it’s all a lie. When he sits contemplating our time together, he will know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I love him deeply. By that point, I will be long gone. I don’t know where I’ll go, or what I’ll do, but I know I need to do it alone. If I tell Lily just now she’ll convince me to stay; she’ll convince me to tell Carter what’s really going on, and his life will be irrevocably changed in a way he doesn’t want.
When Carter arrives to pick me up, my heart lurches into my chest at the sight of him. His lush black hair, drops forward onto his brow, still wet from the shower. I study every line and contour of his resplendent face, because I need to remember everything about him. His eyes are alive with love as a sexy grin spreads across his flawless features; perfect lips calling to me for one last kiss. After two weeks in Italy his skin is a delicious mocha brown, enhancing his ripped physique, making me wet just looking at him. His tan is made even more noticeable in stark contrast to the crisp white shirt he’s wearing, open at the collar to reveal a smattering of hair, peeking out, teasing me with the memory of how sensual it feels against my lips as I kiss his chiseled chest. His tailored navy pin-striped pants showcase his strong muscular thighs and tight ass to perfection.
“What are you staring at, cara mia?” The rasp in his voice turns my insides to jelly;
desire shooting through every nerve ending in my body.
I struggle to rein in my desire as I ready myself for the task ahead. “I’m almost ready. Just let me grab my bag.”
He strides towards me, stalking me, making me feel like his prey, and I am desperate to be captured by him. “Now is that any way to greet your lover?”
His hands slide readily into my hair, pinning me in place; his scent invading my senses, washing over me like a cool breeze on a summer day. Cologne, shower gel, and Carter. As our lips connect, an explosion erupts inside me; every ounce of love I feel for this amazing man, pouring out of me, through me, and into this one kiss. I fist my hands in his shirt, desperate to hold onto him for one more moment. Tears prick at my eyes, and I squeeze them tightly shut to block the torrent of emotion fighting to break free. Once the dam bursts there will be no going back.
“Now that’s the kind of hello I could get used to.” He showers my face with feather-light kisses before letting go and taking a step back. I feel the loss of his body against mine, and an ache forming in my chest. “You look amazing. This dress makes your curves pop in all the right places.”
I’m wearing a simple teal shift dress tonight - very Audrey Hepburn. It clings to my curves, which are already starting to change ever so slightly. “Thanks. I thought I would make an effort.”
“I almost don’t want to take you out for dinner, when I could be stripping you out of this dress and making love to you for hours instead.”
“We’re going to dinner. I’m starving.” He pouts as I grab my purse and lead him from my apartment and out into the city I will no longer call home as of tomorrow.
“You’ve hardly touched your dinner, baby. Are you feeling ok? I thought you were starving? I can order you something else if you want?” His quiet attentiveness and constant concern for my well-being is killing me. I can’t break his heart like this. I know I’m a coward, but I just can’t do it.
“It’s fine. I don’t need anything else. I’m just not feeling hungry all of a sudden.”
He takes my hands in his. “Would you like to go for a walk? We can get out of here and do whatever you want… or we could just go back to my place?”
“A walk sounds good.” If I go to his place, I will never leave.
As we walk hand in hand through the city, the weight of what I’m about to do is choking me from the inside out. I feel like I’m suffocating. I don’t even register where we are until Carter pulls me into the lobby of the Empire State Building. “Let’s go up. It’s such a clear night, the view will be exquisite.” I would follow him to the ends of the Earth - if things were different.
When we reach the observation deck, we take a moment to admire the view of Manhattan sprawled out before us. A city full of possibilities; and as I stand contemplating the future, Carter stands behind me, caging me in; his arms on either side of my body, holding onto the railings. His lips caressing my ear as he speaks.
“You know I love you, Addi. You make me feel like I’m on top of the world. I want to give you everything this city has to offer and more. I want to be with you every minute of every day.”
He pauses for a moment, taking a deep breath, nerves evident in his voice as he continues.
“Will you move in with me, Tesoro?”
My heart stops beating, the world around me closing in, a crushing weight on my chest as I realize this is the moment I need to break his heart. I want so badly to twist in his arms, claim his lips with my own and cry a resounding ‘yes.’ I am an awful excuse for a human-being. I’ve been too selfish to break up with him, and what I’ve been left with, is an opportunity to do the right thing, in completely the wrong way. I hate myself before a single word passes my lips.
I slowly turn, taking a moment to try and steady my thundering heartbeat. His beautiful face worried and nervous, his eyes searching mine for the answer he so clearly desires, but his expression changes as soon as our eyes connect. It’s now or never. I push against his warm, hard chest. “Why would you ask me that?” The quiver in my voice betrays me. He doesn’t move, his eyes boring into me. “Why would you think that’s what I want? Have I ever given you the impression that I want to live with you?”
He opens his mouth. “Addi…” I cut him off, the hurt in his eyes too much for me to bear.
“I can’t do this, Carter. I’m not this person. I thought you knew that. I don’t WANT this.” I duck under his arm, trying to get away from his imposing presence, but he grabs my arm.
“Wait a goddamn minute, Addison. You don’t get to say something like that to me and walk away. Not after everything we’ve gone through to get here; everything we mean to each other. I know you… and this isn’t you.”
“You obviously don’t know me, Carter. I warned you more than once, but you’re fucking relentless. I’m not the girl you fall in love with or live happily ever after with. I’m the girl you screw before you find that girl.” His grip tightens as I try to make a break for the elevators.
“That’s bullshit and you know it. You’re scared, I get it. I even expected it… but this… I don’t know what the fuck is going on right now, Addi. You need to explain this to me.” My heart splinters in my chest, wreaking havoc on my body, tearing me to shreds.
“What do you want from me? I’m not the settling down type. We’ve had a great time together, Italy was amazing and I will always cherish it, but we both know deep down this is never going to last. Let’s just part ways now before it gets complicated and ugly.”
“I thought we were on the same page, Addi. This isn’t just a fling for me, and I don’t think it is for you either. Something has you spooked, way beyond me asking you to move in. Whatever it is, you can tell me, we can work it out. As long as we’re together, nothing else matters. Remember what I told you, Tesoro – Just you and me now.” He lifts his hand in a tender gesture to stroke my face; his movements careful and wary, as if trying to soothe a lame animal.
I flinch at his touch, watching his heart break at my reaction. “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. I’m sorry I hurt you. It was never my intention.” I turn on my heels making a hasty retreat to the elevators, but just as I enter the open doors, I find myself spun around to face Carter, his arms tight on my biceps.
“You can’t just fucking walk out on me like this. You don’t get to make that decision by yourself. I told you I would fight for you, for us, even when you aren’t willing to.”
The elevator attendant steps up. “Is this man bothering you, miss?”
“Yes. He won’t let go of me.” The look on Carter’s face is pained, tortured and devastated - and I hate that I’m the one causing it.
“Take your hands off the lady, sir, before I call security.”
He lets go, stumbling back in shock.
“Addi…”
As the doors close between us, I leave my shattered heart at the top of the Empire State Building, with the only man I’ve ever really loved, my name a strangled plea on his lips.
“Addi… please…”
I take a deep breath, tears flowing freely down my cheeks as I wait for the doors to open onto the lobby. When they finally do, I hurry from the building, but a strong arm grabs my wrist. The voice of a broken man behind me.
“Why are you doing this to us, Addi? Talk to me.”
“I’ve said all there is to say. It’s over. Please, just let me go. I’m not this girl.”
“You’re MY girl. Tesoro. I know you love me. Tell me you don’t and I’ll let you go, I’ll never bother you again.”
I can’t look him in the eye. “I don’t love you, Carter.” There is no conviction in my voice and he knows it.
“I don’t believe you. Fucking look at me and tell me you’re not in love with me. Tell me that when we’re together you don’t feel the most intense connection you’ve ever felt to another person on this whole goddamn planet.” He grabs my face, forcing me to look at him; his eyes wild with fear and desperation. “You can’t say it, Addi, be
cause it isn’t true.”
I gulp down the lump in my throat, steeling myself for the biggest lie I will ever tell. I let out the breath I’ve been holding for what seems like forever, firmly putting the wall in place that I’ve cultivated over the years. A blank expression betraying the agony raging inside me.
“I don’t love you, Carter. I’m sorry I let it go on this long. You deserve so much more, and I can’t give it to you. I got carried away with the idea of it all, but… I’m not in love with you.” I lean in to kiss his lips. My last selfish act toward the man that taught me what true love really is. His taste will be forever emblazoned in my memory, his smell a lasting imprint on my senses, his touch a permanent mark on my soul.
As I pull back to bask in his beautiful eyes for the last time, my heart is broken into a million pieces, scattered to the ends of the Earth; his chocolate brown depths begging me to stay. The last words he says to me as I pull out of his grasp will forever haunt my dreams. His low, rasping voice thick with emotion.
“I will always love you, Addison, but if you walk away now, don’t come back, because I can’t do this again. Not with you, Tesoro. I won’t.”
As I walk away, the only comfort I have as my world crumbles around me, is that a piece of him is growing inside me, a part of him that I will keep, cherish, and love until my dying breath.
I can’t stay in the city one more night. If I do, I will end up at Carter’s door, begging him to forgive me, to take me back; plead with him to want this baby. I furiously throw anything and everything into a suitcase. I can barely see what I’m picking up through the tears that sting my eyes. Sobs wrack my body, my eyes swollen and bruised from hours of crying. My breath is labored as I pack up my life. The life I love - with Lily, and Carter. I haphazardly stuff my toiletries into the case before zipping it up and wheeling it out into the hallway.
