by Sienna Parks
Once I’m up and dressed I feel marginally better, taking the time to do my hair and make-up. It always acts as a little pick-me-up. That’s what my mom always told me, and I swear by it. Or at least I used to. As I sit and stare at my reflection I don’t even recognize the girl staring back at me. My eyes are sunken and tired looking, the sparkle that once glimmered brightly is gone. My hair is always scraped back into a ponytail. It’s easy for work, and I don’t have any desire to spend hours styling it to keep it straight, for no one to see. I don’t fit any of my favorite clothes. I’ve had to buy new jeans and tops, and a few skirts. There isn’t exactly much choice around here, but I managed to get some stuff delivered from the city. It’s bad enough that I have nothing that’s familiar to me, and that my ass is apparently growing exponentially, I am not giving up my favorite brand of jeans just yet, damn it!
As I pull into the parking lot of Joe’s, I have a strange feeling that someone is watching me. I look around the lot, but there’s no one there. I must be imagining it. I slam the door on my rental and head in to start my shift. I’m met by a warm welcome from the regulars and staff. It’s Saturday night and the place is packed, so I quickly don my black uniform T-shirt with ‘Joe’s’ emblazoned in big red letters across my chest and throw my bag in one of the lockers. On my way out to the bar, Hank shouts me into his office.
“Everything okay, Addi? You look pretty beat. You sure you don’t want to take the night off. I can call in one of the other girls to cover for you.” He’s always so sweet to me.
“No, I’m good. Just couldn’t sleep last night, but I want to work. Trust me, I’m better off here than I am sitting in my apartment moping and feeling sorry for myself.”
“Okay, sweetheart. But if you feel bad at any point tonight, just come and tell me and you can go.”
I give him a real, honest smile. Not something that comes naturally to me these days. “Thanks, Hank. You’re the best.”
“I know. I’m fucking awesome.” With that I take my leave, laughing all the way down the hall and out into the bar.
It’s jam packed tonight with all our regulars and some out-of-towners who were here for one of the high school football games. I’m still not up to speed on everything that goes on in this town, but I get that the team is the center of the universe for most people that live here. I get to work, taking up residence at the bottom end of the bar while Sarah works the top. The hours’ tick by quickly, serving drinks non-stop. I don’t even have time for my break, but I don’t mind. Anything that distracts me from Carter is a good thing.
Every now and then throughout the evening I get that same feeling I had in the parking lot, like someone is watching me. I scan the bar several times, but don’t see anyone looking at me, or anyone that looks out of place. I tell myself it must be my crazy hormones and overactive imagination playing tricks on me.
About an hour before closing, the party is still in full swing and I’m dead on my feet, serving drink after drink, so I’m in no mood for the douchebag that pulls up a stool in front of where I’m serving. “Hey, baby. Can I buy you a drink?”
“No thanks. I’m working. What can I get for you?”
“A beer, and your phone number.” Everything about him makes my skin crawl.
I open a bottle of beer and place it down in front of him. “Here’s your beer.”
“You forgot your number.”
“No, I didn’t. I’m flattered, but I’m not interested.”
He’s obviously had plenty to drink before sitting down to the beer I’ve just served him.
“What’s your problem, baby? You frigid? Need a guy like me to show you how to have a good time?”
I turn to walk away but he rears up over the bar and grabs my arm.
“Let go of me.”
“Don’t be so uptight. No one likes a frigid girl.” I am frozen to the spot, déjà vu of so many similar moments with Gavin flashing in my head. I would normally rip a guy like this to shreds, but that was the old me. I’m a complete wreck, emotionally and physically drained, and I panic. I start frantically searching the bar, as if by magic, my knight in shining armor will appear… my Carter. Before I know what’s happening Hank is ripping the guy’s arm off me, most likely breaking it in the process.
“Are you okay, sweetheart? Are you hurt?” I throw myself at him, clinging for dear life, my whole body shaking from the shock of what just happened.
“Thank you so much.” I begin sobbing; standing behind the bar while everyone stares at me.
Hank scoops me up into his arms and lifts me out into the hall, away from prying eyes. My hands are wrapped around his neck, my cheek burrowed into his chest, the tears flowing freely down my face. “Carter… I just want Carter.”
Hank kisses the top of my head. “I know, sweetheart. I know.” He places me on the couch in his office. “Stay here. I need to go and deal with that schmuck.”
I let my muscles relax, slumping further into the sofa cushions, emotionally exhausted by the events that have just transpired. I try to shut it all out; to flip the switch and let myself become numb, but it doesn’t work. Not anymore. He’s always in my thoughts; the permanent ache in my chest - a constant reminder of what I’ve lost.
I can hear the commotion from all the way back here, and when Hank returns, he tells me some guy that no one knows started pounding on the douchebag who grabbed me, shouting and swearing at him. Apparently, he won’t be talking, drinking, or trying to intimidate women anytime soon. They had to send for an ambulance because his face was so messed up. My unknown protector left before anyone could get his name, or thank him for standing up for me. I figure he didn’t want to be asked any questions about what happened. An assault charge would be a hell of a price to pay for someone you don’t even know. I don’t think I’ll ever hear the end of it from Sarah. She says the guy was like Hercules – a demi God, gorgeous, muscled and chivalrous. She makes me laugh when she says her panties literally disintegrated at the sight of him, and then a heavy weight settles on my chest; visions of a perfect God-like body, the most stunningly handsome face I’ve ever seen, and a soul even more beautiful, crowds my thoughts, as I fall apart. I’m so devastated by my own self-inflicted loss that I begin to wail, long, pained, soul-wrenching sobs. Sarah and Hank chalk it up to hormones and a traumatic night, and I don’t tell them any different. To say it out loud right now, would be more than I could bear.
My life is a mess, my heart broken beyond repair, and the only person in the world that can fix it, the only person that I want to be with more than anything right now – is the one person that hates me. I miss everything about him; his face, his smile, the way he held me close and made everything around us disappear. He made me feel so safe and loved, but that’s gone now, and I’m completely lost without him.
CARTER
As soon as Xander told me where she is, I headed back to my apartment, packed a bag and booked the next flight out to Dallas. I have an address and the name of the bar where she works – Joe’s. How fucking original. The flight feels endless, and I’m a little on edge by the end of it, desperate to get to my girl.
I don’t even bother going to my hotel when I arrive, instead opting to drive straight over to her apartment in the rental I picked up at the airport. When I pull into the small town, I just can’t imagine this being somewhere that Addi would choose to live. She’s sophisticated and refined, and she definitely enjoys the finer things in life. I would say this place isn’t big enough to hold her attention, but what the fuck do I know? This entire scenario just seems like a work of fiction to me. If someone explained the last six weeks of my life to me, I would swear blind that they made that shit up.
I have no idea what I’m going to find when I come face to face with Addi, or what I’ll say to her. I was so focused on getting here, on being in the same State as her, I didn’t take the time to work out what I want to say. I can’t exactly just say Hey, Addi. I know you really love me; I’ve come to take you home.
>
I try her apartment first, but there’s no answer, so I quickly drive all of two blocks to the bar, but as I pull up, I’m frozen to the spot when I see her slender frame getting out of a car in the parking lot. My heart lurches up into my throat, constricting my air supply. She looks fucking breathtaking. She’s too far away to see me, but I know for certain that it’s her; I could spot her in a crowd of thousands. I can’t make my hands move to open the door handle, so I just take a moment to watch her.
She turns around, scanning the lot as if she can feel my eyes on her. It sends a shiver down my spine, knowing that I still have some effect, even if she doesn’t know it. When she finally makes her way inside, I feel bereft. Just the sight of her was enough to fill at least some of the void I’ve been living with for the past month.
I stare at the door now for half an hour at least, but I can’t seem to make myself get out the goddamn car. Fucking pussy. My phone vibrates in my pocket, and when I check the display I see that it’s a message from Xander.
Xander: Found her yet?
Me: Yes and no. Outside the bar.
Xander: She at work?
Me: Yeah. Saw her go in. Been sitting outside for 30 mins. Being a pussy.
Xander: Grow a pair and go get her.
Me: Fuck off
Xander: I’m wounded
Me: Maybe I should write her love letters for days and see if that works?
Xander: Fuck off
Me: Later, Jackass. I’ll keep you posted.
He’s so fucking annoying sometimes, especially when he’s right. I get out of the car and make my way over to the entrance. When I pull back the door, I’m greeted with a cacophony of voices. The place is packed, with what seems to be football fans. Addi is behind the bar, working endlessly, with a swarm of customers around her end of the bar.
I decide to find a spot in the corner where I know she won’t see me, and I can just watch her for a while, until she takes a break, or it calms down a little. That doesn’t happen, and I find myself sitting for hours, but time means nothing to me. I could stare at her 24/7 and never get tired of seeing the way her body moves, and her smile, God, her smile fucking kills me. She looks tired though, and she doesn’t have the same vibrancy that oozed from every pour. I can tell, from 100 ft. away, she’s not the same girl I fell in love with.
At regular intervals throughout the night, she scans the room. I’m not sure if she’s looking for someone, but I like to think she can feel my presence. Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but we used to be able to sense each other in a room full of people. It didn’t matter where she was in my club, even at full capacity I could still sense her. She’s like a magnet that I’m inexplicably drawn to, with a force I just can’t fight against. And here’s the thing – I don’t want to fight it. I just want her to remember it. Remember how it feels between us; when I whisper in her ear, when I touch her; the way I make her body shake with an intensity and euphoria that only I can give her.
I’m quickly distracted from my reverie when I see one of the guys sitting at the bar obviously trying to flirt with her. My fists ball at my sides. I know I need to calm the fuck down, but I hate the idea of anyone being close to her, when I can’t be. And then it happens… he almost throws himself over the counter to grab at her when she tries to walk away.
All I hear is a buzzing in my ears as my blood begins to boil. A red mist of pure rage descends, clouding my vision. Everything and everyone around me becomes insignificant. They are mere obstacles in the way of me getting to Addi. Adrenaline courses through me, readying my muscles for a fight. I start shoving people out the way, pushing through the crowd… and then I stop. A big guy, probably about fifteen years older than me storms out and appears beside Addi behind the bar. He throws the asshole to the ground, and she turns to him immediately, burying her face in his chest. He holds her with a ferocity and a tenderness that I recognize well. I watch, helpless and broken as he scoops her up, her arms wrapping around his neck, her face seeking comfort against his shoulder as he carries her out of the bar, and away from me.
She’s moved on. She’s fucking moved on.
She doesn’t need me to rescue her. She doesn’t need me at all.
She really did leave because she wasn’t in love with me.
I feel like I’ve been hit in the chest with a sledgehammer. I had a glimmer of hope when I stepped in here tonight. A small sliver of a chance at the future I so badly wanted with her. And now it’s gone. I see the guy that practically assaulted Addi stumbling to his feet, and I set my sights on him - the target for all my rage, all my disappointment, all my heartbreak. I quickly make my way to where he’s hanging onto the bar, and as my fist connects with his face, I feel a marginal amount of relief wash over me. I need this, and he needs to pay for laying a finger on Addi.
“What the fuck, man?”
“Don’t you ever fucking look in her direction again, understand?”
“Fuck you. It’s none of your goddamn business. Who the fuck is she to you? Some cock tease, piece of ass.”
“Say goodbye to eating solid food, you fucking piece of shit. You don’t deserve to breathe the same fucking air as her.” I start beating him so hard my knuckles bleed.
“What. Is. She. To. Me?” I spit out between blows.
“She’s my fucking world. My fucking everything.”
No one even attempts to pull me off this guy. Obviously Addi is held in high regard already. The guys that surround me as I continually lay into this pathetic excuse of a man, are chanting and shouting for me to hit him harder, hit him again, to show him what happens when you mess with a lady in this town. I don’t stop until I hear his nose crack underneath my fist. I back off, leaving him cowering like the little pussy he is. His face is unrecognizable, his eyes black and blue, covered in blood and already swollen shut. His nose is plastered across his face, and his lips are bleeding. I stare down at my hands, cut and bloody from my own brutality. I can’t fucking breathe. I stagger through the cheering crowd and out into the parking lot, bending over with my hands on my thighs, struggling to pull in a lung full of air. What the fuck just happened?
I hold it together just long enough to get over to my car and slump into the driver’s seat. I don’t know how long I sit in silence, thinking about Addi, so close, and yet further away than ever. I start slamming my hands against the steering wheel, my frustration nowhere near exorcised by the beating I just gave Joe-fucking-Handsy back there.
I hang my head in defeat. “Come ho potuto essere così fottutamente delirante? Fanculo! Perchè, Addi, perché lui? Perché non ero abbastanza? [How could I be so fucking delusional? Fuck! Why, Addi, why him? Why wasn't I good enough?] I love you more than he ever could.”
I’m startled by a rap on the window and turn to see a pretty little redhead staring back at me. I instinctively lower the window, even though I have no desire to talk to anyone right now.
“Everything okay?” She gives me a sultry smile and I can tell she’s hot for me. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I saw what you did back there, defending Addi like that. It was really… chivalrous of you. Do you know her?” I ponder that question for a moment. Thinking about the girl I fell in love with, and the girl that I just saw swept up in the arms of another man.
“No. I don’t know her. I just don’t like dickheads that think they can take what they want without permission. No woman should have to put up with that.” I’m just trying to be honest, but I can see it’s affecting her. She lets out an almost inaudible moan before biting her bottom lip; her breath becoming shallow and erratic as I stare into her forest green eyes. “Do you know her well?”
“Yeah, she’s great. She hasn’t been here long – arrived from New York last month, running away from some guy apparently. They wanted different things, so she split and ended up here. But enough about her. Can I get you some ice for your hand… or… anything at all?”
Her tongue darts out to wet her lips and I already hate myself for being
this guy. I don’t want to be a player anymore, but it’s who I am, and right now, I need to lose myself, and try to forget about Addi. I switch on the charm, and ignore the nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“I’m sure I can think of something.”
I open the door and step out of the car, looming over her petite frame; watching as her breath catches just from the brush of my hand over the swell of her breasts and down to her waist. I pull her tight against my chest and lowering my head to her ear.
“Do you like the idea of fucking a stranger in an alley, sweetheart?” She simply nods. “Does it make you wet? Make you feel dirty?” She’s panting as I continue. It’s just too fucking easy. “How badly do you want me to fuck you?”
Her voice is a breathy whisper as she answers me. “So fucking badly – anything you want, baby… please.” I take her hand in mine and lead her down the dark and dingy alleyway behind the bar.
“You got protection?” She pulls a condom packet from her pocket with a sultry grin. “Of course you do.” I drag her into the darkest corner I can find before crashing my lips down on hers. She tastes like tequila as she swirls her tongue, teasing me, biting on my lip.
I quickly unzip her jeans and push them down her legs, together with the trashy G-string she’s wearing, spinning her around to face the wall so I don’t have to look at her while I fuck her.
“Bend over, sweetheart.” Without hesitation, she offers herself to me, bracing her hands on the wall for purchase. I ram my fingers inside of her, feeling how wet she is already.
“Oh God, baby! Yes… that feels so good.” I pull out of her, moving up to spread her arousal over her clit before shifting round to cover her ass.
