by Sienna Parks
Her voice is a whisper. “That could never be true and you know it.”
“Why would I know that? You walked out on me without so much as a second thought for how you made me feel, or what I wanted, and you started a new life somewhere else. I tried to speak to you tonight, and you fucking ran, Addi… you ran. It’s classic you. I don’t know why I’m still surprised by it.”
“I guess I deserved that. But don’t ever think that I never gave you a second thought. I was devastated when I left.”
I can’t hide the distain in my voice. “I highly fucking doubt that.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Well, fill me in, Addi, because I was left without a fucking clue that night.”
“I left for you. So that you could have the life you wanted.”
“You’re not even making sense, Addi. Don’t fucking kid yourself that you did any of this for me - you did it for yourself, because you wanted something I obviously couldn’t fucking give you. If you loved me… you never would have left.”
“That’s not true.”
“The fuck it isn’t! You’re like a fucking grenade. You explode without any consideration for the people that might get caught in the crossfire. Do you have any idea what you did to me when you left? DO YOU?” Her tears begin to fall, but I’ve held it in for so long, I need her to know how I feel. “You fucking killed me, Addi. You shredded my heart, ripped it out of my fucking chest, and stomped all over it.”
“I know.” Her words are laced with remorse.
“I don’t think you fucking DO, actually! You have NO IDEA what it took for me to open up to you, for me to love you, for me to trust you, and you fucking threw it away like it was nothing, like it was less than nothing.”
“Carter… I need to explain.”
“Maybe you should have done that sooner. I don’t need to hear why I wasn’t good enough for you now, Addi. It’ll just add insult to injury.”
“What do you want from me then? Why did you come here?” Her defeated tone makes me want to pull her into my arms and tell her it will all be okay, but it’s not my place to do that now. My hands fist at my sides, fighting the urge to reach out and touch her.
I feel sick to my stomach as I choke out the reason I’m here.
“When are you going to tell, Lily?”
“Tell her what?”
“That you’re pregnant.”
Her face falls at my words. She knew this was the reason I came to confront her. She’s not that naïve.
“Wh… what? How? How do you know?” Maybe she is that naïve, or maybe she never fully understood how much I loved every inch of her body.
“You don’t think I remember every curve and line of your body? I fucking memorized it, and it’s on a permanent loop in my head, tormenting me, night, after night, after night.” I feel bile rising in my throat as I continue. “Is it his?”
She looks shocked. “What are you talking about? Who?”
“The guy I saw you with in Dallas.”
Realization dawns. “You came to Dallas? When? Why?”
“Yes. Like the fucking idiot that I am, I came to bring you home to be with me. It was about a month ago. Xander found out where you were and as soon as he told me, I took the first plane out. I didn’t even bother checking into my hotel before I came looking for you.” Her face is distraught as I continue. “I watched as a customer was coming on to you. He came to your rescue before I could. It broke my heart all over again to see you cling to him for comfort. It fucking slayed me, Addi. I did however beat the ever living shit out of the guy that had been grabbing at you like a piece of meat. After that I bought a ticket on the next available flight, and I came back to New York - a fucking empty shell.”
I watch as the tears spill from her eyes. “That was you?”
“Yes.”
“I had the strangest feeling that night. It was as if I could feel you everywhere I went. Oh God, Carter. I’m so sorry.”
The lump in my throat is too much to swallow down. I choke out possibly the hardest words I’ve ever had to say. “I’m happy for you, Addi. You’ll make a wonderful mother, and he obviously adores you. I just wish it could have been with me.”
“What?”
“I said I’m happy for you.”
“No! The other part.”
“I just wish it could have been me. That we could have had a family together. It was my dream for us.”
“But you said you didn’t want kids.”
“When?”
“At the rehearsal dinner, to your mom. Then you were horrified at the mere suggestion by your aunt in Florence. You called a period a fucking high five from God – what was I supposed to think?” She looks so distraught. It’s killing me not to comfort her.
“Addi. You had to have known that I was only saying those things so that I didn’t scare you off? How many times had you run from me? Look at how you reacted when I told you I loved you for the first time. Of course I wanted to be the father of your kids. I wanted everything with you – the house, the wedding, and the children that would be just as beautiful as you.”
She sinks down onto the couch. “Oh my God! What have I done?” I crouch in front of her, desperate to touch her, to comfort her. “What have I done, Carter?”
“Talk to me, Tesoro. What is it?” Her sobbing makes me ache.
“It’s yours. The baby. It’s yours, Carter.”
What the fuck?
“I don’t understand.”
This can’t be real.
“I found out I was pregnant the morning of the wedding. I was terrified to tell you. I was 99% sure the night of the rehearsal dinner, but I still had to take the test to confirm. When your mom brought up the subject of kids, I was devastated when you said you didn’t want any.”
“Holy Shit, Addi.”
“I couldn’t get rid of it, Carter. As much as I love you, and as much as I wanted to build a future with you, I couldn’t get rid of it. I didn’t want you to be trapped living a life you didn’t want. A life that you would end up resenting me for.”
She breaks down completely, sobs wracking her fragile body. I can’t hold back anymore. I scoop her delicate frame into my arms and carry her into the bedroom. I lie down on the bed, pulling her tight against my chest, my heart thundering against her back. Eventually the sobs turn to whimpers, and the whimpers fade until she finally passes out, her breathing becoming even and peaceful. I take this precious moment to move her hair out of the way, tracing the lines of her face ever so gently with my fingers.
“I wanted it all, Tesoro. I wanted you to trust me, to love me, to be the mother of my child, to be my lover and my wife.” She stirs at my touch. “I love you so much, Addi. I failed you, but I won’t fail our baby.”
She turns in my arms, awake and staring at me with the softest, sweetest eyes I have ever seen. “Touch me. Please. I need to feel you. I’ve missed you so much, it’s a constant ache in my chest.” I can’t resist her. I’ve wanted this for so long - for her to want me.
Without a word, I capture her mouth. Two months of devastation and longing are obliterated by this one small but overpowering connection. She tastes of cherries and Addi, just the way I remember, only sweeter. I suck and nibble at her lips, begging her to let me in, and as her tongue darts out to meet mine, an explosion of sensation erupts inside me. It’s a heady feeling and it fuels my desire in a way I’ve never felt before. I lose all control. We grab at each other’s clothing, ripping it, tearing at it, until only our naked flesh remains.
The feel of her skin against mine is divine, her slightly larger breasts pressed against the hard muscles of my chest, the beginnings of her rounding belly against my abs. Knowing that it’s my baby growing inside her, that it is my seed causing these changes to her lush body, is the most erotic... sensual feeling in the world. I shift her onto her back, running my hand down her curves, learning the contours of her new body. My hand stops on her belly, gently caress
ing it. She tries to push me away.
“I know I’m getting fat. It’s disgusting.”
I move her hand and continue my ministrations. “Nothing about you is disgusting, Addi. Your body is more beautiful now than it has ever been.” I kiss every inch of her stomach, enjoying how it feels on my lips, soft and supple; her naked flesh quivering at my touch. As I make my way up her body, her breath becomes shallow, her moans the most amazing sound to grace my ears in what feels like forever. As I take her nipple into my mouth, my own groans reverberate against her skin, causing her back to arch off the bed, pushing herself further into my mouth. “Fuck. Addi. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed everything about you.” I flick my tongue over the puckered tip, taking hold of her other breast in my hand. “Oh God. You feel amazing.” Her breasts are fuller, heavier, and just fucking perfect.
“I’ve dreamt of this every night that we’ve been apart, Carter. Please… don’t wait any longer. Please, make love to me. I need you.” I want so badly to take my time and savor every moment, but her words stir the urgency inside me.
I grab my cock, positioning myself at her entrance. “God, baby, you’re so wet for me. I need a taste of you. I’ve been starved of you for so long.” I pull her hips up, grabbing her ass and lowering my lips to her glistening folds. Oh My God. She tastes even better than I remember. Her moans and gentle whispers of my name are divine. As I continue to lick and suckle her clit, she falls apart beneath me, her orgasm a moment of pure bliss, not only for her, but for me. I’ve been lost without this connection, without her.
I drop her hips down to the bed and slowly inch myself inside her; my eyes rolling back in my head. I’m struggling not to come as soon as I feel her warm, wet flesh pulsing around my engorged tip. “You’re so damn tight, baby.” It takes me a few minutes to calm down before I can sink all the way inside her, seating myself to the hilt, stretching her to her fullest.
“God, Carter. You feel so amazing.” Everything about this feels right, her voice, her body, the way I fit her so perfectly. I can’t get enough. I start to move – long, slow thrusts inside her. It’s a sweet kind of torture, achingly magnificent. I lower my mouth to hers.
“Taste yourself on me, Tesoro. Taste what I do to you. Remember it, and never forget it.” She sucks my bottom lip, biting it gently with her teeth, savoring her own juices. It’s so fucking hot, and I need to move faster, harder, but always careful not to let my body weight press against her stomach. As she grinds into me, meeting me thrust for thrust, I lose myself to the sensation, lust and desire taking over any rational thought. I just need to feel her. I lift her off the bed, cradling her close to my chest as I bring us up into a seated position.
“Ride me, Addi.”
She immediately responds, anchoring her hands on my shoulders as she begins to move up and down the length of me, her clit brushing against the base of my cock as she picks up pace.
“God, Carter, I’m close. I need you to come with me. Oh… God.”
“I’m right there with you, baby. Just let go.”
Harder, faster, she looks fucking perfect riding me like she owns me, and she fucking does. I watch her beautiful breasts as they bounce up and down with every thrust, taking first one and then the other into my mouth. When she starts to tighten around my cock, I run my hands up her back, fisting them in her hair, holding her so I can watch as she falls over the edge.
“Look at me, Addi. I need to see you come.” She bucks wildly against me, chasing her release and catapulting me into mine. “Holy fuck. Yes… cazzo… mia dolce bella ragazza… Addi.” [Fuck... My sweet beautiful girl] We come together with an intensity and passion that has been haunting my dreams for months. It feels too fucking good, and I know that she feels it just as much as I do.
“Carter… Oh God… Carter… Fuck… Yes… YES.” As I spill myself inside her, hot spurts straight to her core, she cups my face, kissing every inch of stubble, licking along my jaw before darting her tongue into my mouth. “I love you, Carter de Rossi. I always have and I always will.”
I gently lower her onto her back, our lips locked in a sweet and reverent kiss.
“Say it again.”
“I love you, Carter. I always have… and I always will.”
“Do you know how badly I’ve wanted to hear those words dripping from your gorgeous lips?”
She pulls me down onto her. “Yes. As badly as I’ve wanted to say them for two months.” We lie together, our limbs entwined as we enjoy the sound of each other breathing, content in the silence, happy just to be together, until…
“Carter. Was that safe for us? For the baby? I know you must have been with other women while I was gone, and I don’t blame you, but I’m just worried. Could the baby catch an STD?” My world comes crashing down around me… again. This is what she thinks of me? That I would put the health of my baby in jeopardy for my own sexual gratification? I’m out of the bed, gathering my clothes before she speaks again. “What are you doing? What did I say?”
“What did you say? This is exactly the problem, Addi, this is why we’re in this mess in the first place. You don’t fucking trust me!”
She’s frantically scrambling to get to me. “Of course I trust you.”
“No, you fucking don’t. If you think for a second that I would have unprotected sex with you while you’re pregnant with MY FUCKING CHILD, if I wasn’t 100% sure that it was safe, then you don’t know me at all.”
“I’m sorry, Carter. I didn’t mean it. Please, don’t go. Stay. We can talk about it.” She’s breaking my heart all over again.
“What do you want to talk about, Addi? All the women I fucked after you broke my fucking heart? I can’t give you a number this time, baby, it wasn’t fucking seven, that’s for sure. I spent the first month after you left, drunk and banging any woman that wanted me, because I NEEDED to feel fucking wanted.”
She moves to comfort me, but I recoil from her touch. I just can’t bear it right now.
“Here’s the ugly truth for you. I don’t remember the names of any of the women I slept with while you were gone. And when I came to Dallas and saw you with that guy, I fucking snapped. I fucked a girl in the alley behind the bar and then I walked away from her like she was nothing. I fucking hated myself, Addi. As soon as I got home, I got tested, I stopped drinking, I stopped using women to try to forget you, and started trying to remember who I am. I never wanted to be that guy. I just wanted to be your guy.”
I pull her naked body up and into my arms. “Addi. I love you more than you could ever understand. But we are… toxic. You can’t trust me to look after you and do what’s right; and I can’t trust that you won’t run away again. I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to trust each other, and maybe we can do that to each other, tearing each other apart trying to hold onto a love that is so phenomenal, all-encompassing, all-consuming, and that burns so brightly it will become caustic. I would do that for you, Tesoro. I would tear myself apart, and give you my broken heart a thousand times over. But it’s not just us now, Addi, we have a baby to think about; a baby I want so badly it hurts. It’s a part of me, and it’s a part of you. I can’t be selfish. I’ve obviously failed you, or we wouldn’t be standing here, having this conversation that is breaking my heart all over again. I won’t fail our baby, Addi. I can’t live with that kind of failure.”
Tears are streaming down her flushed cheeks as she chokes out her plea. “Don’t do this, Carter. Please. I can’t do this without you.” I grab her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me.
“You will never have to do this alone, Tesoro. I will always be here for you and the baby, but the only way I can do that, is if we’re not together right now.” Her face drops to my chest. “We’ll work it out, baby… somehow. I promise. It will take time, and we’ll learn together, how to be a family, but we need to take it slow. Do you understand why I need to do this, cara mia? Why I need this time? Why we need this time? Tell me you understand.”
“I understand.
I just don’t know how to live without this.” She places her hand on my chest… over my wildly beating heart. “The last two months have been a living hell.” She rests her head against my shoulder. “You’re all I’ll ever want or need, Carter.”
“Tesoro. You are the love of my life. You will always be everything to me. That’s why I can’t fail you again.” I kiss her head, my chest aching at the sound of her muffled cries. We stand like this until she has no more tears left to cry. “You need to rest, baby.” I lift her into the bed, pulling the covers around her.
“Please don’t leave. Stay with me. At least until I fall asleep.”
I can’t deny her.
“Of course I will.” I lie on top of the covers, her head resting on my chest.
“Carter…” Her voice is a whisper.
“Yes, baby.”
“I noticed the tattoo on your back.” The silence is deafening as I wait for her reaction. “Why would you do that, after I treated you so badly?”
I stroke her hair as I give her an honest answer. “Because even in my darkest hour, I never stopped loving you… and you never stopped being my Tesoro.”
She cuddles into me a little tighter. “Ti amo, Carter.” My heart swells in my chest.
“I know, baby. Now try to get some rest.” She falls asleep almost instantly, but I find myself unable to leave, lying with her for hours, staring at her stunning face, watching the rise and fall of her chest, wondering how the hell I’m going to do this. I’ve never had to put someone else’s wants and needs above my own, but I need to now. Our baby needs to have a stable home, and all the love and attention that they deserve. Addi and I can never be that stable force if we continue to tear each other apart with the depth of our love for each other.
We were meant to be, but sometimes, love, passion, and a connection so fierce it’s a physical presence in the room around us, just isn’t enough. Especially not when it will affect our baby.
It is 3 a.m. before I can bring myself to leave her, my sleeping beauty, destined to be mine, but always just out of my reach. I’ll do my best to bring us back together, so that maybe, just maybe, we can have the future together that I so desperately crave with every fiber of my being.
