by Sienna Parks
I take her lips with my own, pouring all of the emotions I’ve been holding in, into this one kiss. “I was stupid, Addi. I should never have said those things to you, I didn’t really mean them, and when I thought I’d lost you for good, I was devastated that you could have… that you would never have known… that I wouldn’t get the chance to tell you how sorry I am for pushing you away. Please forgive me.”
She plants the softest kiss on my lips. “You have nothing to apologize for. I gave you good reason not to trust me. I broke your heart and when you trusted me with it for a second time, I took it for granted; I wasn’t worthy of the faith you put in me and I’m so sorry for that.”
“Tesoro…”
She stops me before I can continue. “Please, let me finish. I need for you to hear this. There are things you need to know.” She’s finally ready to talk to me, and I am ready to hear whatever she needs to say. “I’ve been punishing you for Gavin’s mistakes. I’ve let the way he treated me influence my life for the past four years, letting it seep into every aspect of my relationships, or lack thereof. I thought I was dealing with it, moving past it, but then you walked into my life and changed everything. I didn’t tell you everything about what happened with him. I’ve never told anyone what really happened. Carter, I’ve been pregnant before.”
I pull her into my arms. “I know, baby. The doctor told me that the scarring from your previous pregnancy had something to do with the bleeding.”
She stares up into my eyes, searching for… something. “Doctor Field told me that she explained everything to you, but you never once brought it up. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I figured you would tell me when you were ready. You’ve been through enough, Addi. You don’t have to explain anything to me.”
“I want to.”
Addi goes on to tell me the full, sordid, horrifying story of what really happened between her and Gavin. My heart shatters into a million pieces for the girl before me, sobbing her heart out as she tells me about him intentionally beating her, killing their baby. She talks of how she kept it to herself, feeling so ashamed that she couldn’t protect her unborn child. My blood runs cold; filled with an all-consuming rage. I want to kill this pathetic excuse for a man that I have never met. I want to avenge the Addi that I never had a chance to meet. I want justice for the baby that he wasn’t man enough to love.
I pull Addi close, careful not to hurt her, forcing myself to stay calm, for her sake. “I can’t believe you’ve carried this burden around with you for so long. No one should have to live through something like that alone. You amaze me, Addison Warner. You are the strongest woman I have ever met. The fact that you let me in at all, that you chose to love me; that you gave me a chance to be a dad – it blows my mind.”
“I almost ruined it all. I almost lost our baby. When I was lying on the operating table, I was so scared I wouldn’t get another chance with you. A chance to let my past go and give our future together a real shot. I was terrified that I hadn’t protected our baby. That I would never get the chance to meet her. I love you so much, Carter. I won’t ever take this chance for granted. You saved my life in more ways than one. I can never thank you enough for that.”
Her broken sobs call to every protective instinct I have; every fiber of my being desperate to fix this. I need to kiss her, to feel her lips against mine, to feel the connection we share so deeply. “Tesoro, the fact that you are here with me, breathing, your beautiful heart beating in your chest – that is all I will ever need. I told you that at the hospital, and I will continue to remind you, every day for the rest of your life.” I capture her mouth with my own, claiming what’s mine. Mine to love, and mine to protect. I kiss away each and every tear from her cheeks, planting soft feather light kisses on her tear swollen eyelids. “NO ONE will ever hurt you like that again, Addi. Not while I have breath in my body.”
“Take me home, Carter. I want to leave all the bad memories behind. I don’t want them to hold me back anymore. I want to make a life with you and Verona. You are my home.”
“Il tuo cuore è la mia casa, Tesoro. Ti amo.” [Your heart is my home, Treasure. I love you.]
ADDI
Eight Weeks Later
Today is my due date. The day Verona was supposed to be born. It’s strange. You have all these preconceived ideas of what it’s going to be like when you have a baby; of what the birth is going to be like. You read books like What to Expect When You’re Expecting, thinking that once you’re past the first trimester, you have nothing to worry about. My main concern just before Verona was born, was what tracks I wanted on my birthing playlist. Never in my wildest dreams would I have come up with what actually happened to me.
I missed my daughter’s birth. She was pulled from my body, distressed and premature. She wasn’t ready to face the world, and I wasn’t awake to reassure her that everything was going to be alright. I’ve replayed and relived that day so many times in my mind. The feeling of dread thinking I was going to die; waking up to find out that my baby was born prematurely; being told that I would never have any more children. No one should have to deal with such a diverse range of emotions in such a short space of time.
There have been so many nights when I’ve cried myself to sleep – for the loss of even the possibility of giving Carter a son. I would give anything to have a little boy that looked exactly like his daddy, and I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact that I can never give him that.
He has been amazing these past two months; so loving, patient, and understanding. When I finally broke down and told him my darkest secret, he opened his arms to me and loved me even more. He listened without judgment and looked for the positive. When I asked him to give me another chance and for us to live together, he didn’t hesitate, not even for a second, giving me unconditional love and trust. I know how hard that must have been for him, but he did it anyway, for me, and for our daughter.
We have spent every day at the hospital, watching Verona improve with every tube and machine that has been removed and rendered unnecessary. We’ve celebrated these small victories in our daughter’s little life - every day we gotten to hold her for longer, getting to know her better, seeing her tiny personality shining through, even in the face of adversity.
Over the weeks, I’ve become stronger, my body healing, my mind coming to terms with everything that has happened. Carter and I are closer than we’ve ever been. I’ve always used my looks with men, confident in the effect my body would have on them, and that has changed dramatically.
I struggle with my self-confidence. When I stand and stare at my reflection in the mirror, it feels like I’m looking at someone else’s body. The scars from my emergency surgery are still red and tight; my skin looks different, the muscles underneath lacking any form of tone. I’m still carrying an extra ten pounds, but I’m so exhausted with the hospital visits and my own recovery that I’ve just let Carter feed me. He’s an old Italian woman! Like his aunt – always trying to feed me something, telling me I need to keep my strength up.
The hospital said it would be at least six weeks before I should consider any sexual activity again, but that just wasn’t realistic for us. Our connection is too primal for that length of time apart. Carter has been so careful with me, treating me like I could break from the slightest touch, but he’s definitely creative when it comes to finding other ways to satisfy our desire for one another.
The night that we first made love again was so special to me; I have never felt so completely loved and accepted for who I am. Carter made me feel truly beautiful for the first time in my life.
“Goodnight, Tesoro.” He pulls me close against his naked chest as he breathes in my scent and kisses my hair. My heart is pounding in my chest, the ache between my legs growing with every day that passes. “Are you ok, baby? I can feel your heart racing.”
I turn in his arms, nervous of what I’m about to say. “Make love to me, Carter.”
His eyes are tender
and filled with desire, searching mine to make sure this is what I want. “I don’t want to hurt you. We can wait.”
I grab his face in my hands, feeling the scruff on his jawline scraping against my palms, placing a soft kiss on his gorgeous mouth, before nibbling and sucking on his bottom lip. “I don’t want to wait any longer. Please, make love to me.” I’m underneath him in seconds, but he’s careful not to put his weight on my stomach.
He starts at my neck, kissing just under my ear, before working his way down. I can feel my body start to tingle all over, the familiar jolt of anticipation coursing through my veins, and when his lips brush over the tip of my nipple I can’t help but cry out with pleasure, moaning his name as I begin to writhe under his expert touch. He makes a move to throw the covers off of us, but I try to pull them back up without ruining the moment, conscious of my scars. He stops kissing me, lifting his gaze to mine.
“What’s wrong?”
I throw my hand up over my eyes, trying to stop the flow of tears welling up inside. “My body. It’s disgusting now. I have scars. I don’t look the same.”
I feel his warm, strong hand, pulling my arm down, forcing me to look at him. All I see staring back at me in his beautiful chocolate-brown eyes, is love. “You are more beautiful to me now, than you have ever been, Tesoro. Do you know what I see when I look at your scars?”
“No.” My voice is a whisper, thick with unshed tears.
“I see strength and courage. I see a survivor. I see the love of my life and the mother of my child; you’re fucking breathtaking, Addi.” I shy away, shifting my head to the side, but Carter uses one finger to guide me back to him. “You need to wear these scars with pride. They are a part of who you are. You have come through so much, and you’ve done it by yourself. It’s all you, cara mia. You are amazing and I’m in awe of you every single day. Please, don’t ever think that you are anything less than stunning. I love your scars. Without them, we wouldn’t have our precious baby girl, and you wouldn’t be here with me now. I will always love these scars – they mean… LIFE.”
He takes his time, kissing every inch of each scar, making me feel wanted; making me feel desired; making me feel whole again, and when he gently pushes inside of me, I feel a wave of relief; my body responding to the physical connection I crave with every fiber of my being. There’s some pain after my operation, but the pleasure I feel being connected to Carter again, far outweighs any discomfort.
“Are you ok, baby?” His voice is low and tender, thick with his own desire.
“Yes. Please, don’t stop.” He slowly starts to move, rocking in and out of me, savoring each gentle thrust. The expert roll of his hips has me panting beneath him, perched on the edge of an explosive release.
“Come with me, Tesoro. I need to see you, to feel you come apart for me.” He never loses control, pushing in and out of me in measured, leisurely thrusts, working my clit with his thumb, slowly building us higher and higher, until I can’t take it anymore. It’s like waves, crashing over me; intense and profound, overwhelming me time and time again, over and over until I’m moaning his name as he growls mine, finding his own release, joining me in a sea of ecstasy.
“Addi… Ti amo.”
I wrap my arms and legs around his body, holding him close. “I love you, too.”
I will never forget that night for as long as I live.
It’s time to go to the hospital and bring our baby girl home. I’m nervous and excited, checking that we have everything we need at least five times before we leave. Carter is so adorable right now, checking and rechecking the car seat, asking if we need another blanket for Verona, or if the jacket and onesie we packed are going to be warm enough.
“Okay. Let’s just stop. We’ve got everything we need. Let’s enjoy this moment. We get to bring our princess home today. We are finally going to be a family, here in our home, together.” That gets his attention and he stops what he’s doing, making his way over to where I’m standing.
“You’re right, baby. We’ve waited long enough for this day to come. Let’s enjoy it. I can’t wait to have my two favorite girls under one roof. Let’s go and bring our daughter home.”
We arrive at the hospital to find all of the doctors and nurses who have helped Verona on her journey, gathered around her crib with balloons, teddies, and presents for her. She’s made a lasting impression on everyone who has come into contact with her. A tiny person that has made a big difference to so many people’s lives already.
When I lift her into my arms today, it feels different somehow. Knowing that I don’t have to let her go; that I don’t have to say goodbye at the end of the day; that she’s finally going to be where she belongs – with Carter and me. It’s a teary goodbye when we leave. So many people to thank for doing so much for our baby girl. Words could never really convey just how grateful we are for everything they’ve done.
The drive home is… slow. Carter’s wary of every other driver on the road, slowing down to twenty miles an hour, just in case he needs to break for another car. We find ourselves laughing, knowing just how ridiculously over cautious we’re being, but we get there in the end!
When he opens the door to our apartment, I feel the change as soon as I step inside with Verona in my arms. There is a tangible shift; our home is finally complete. We have a quiet, wonderful first night at home together - our little family. Carter is lying on our bed with Verona sleeping on his chest, like a little starfish, her arms and legs spread wide, clinging to her daddy, perfectly content. I’m curled into his side, his arm wrapped around me as he watches our girl sleeping, transfixed by the tiny rise and fall of the cute little bundle on his chest. I am mesmerized by them both. There is something about watching a strong, alpha male like Carter, being so tender and loving with a baby. It melts my heart. I never thought I would have this – a man that loves me unconditionally, a baby girl to love and cherish. They are such a gift in my life, and the fact that I am lucky enough to be here with them is the greatest gift I will ever have.
I spent the past few years of my life keeping people at arm’s length, trying to fix what had been broken. The moment Carter walked into my life, he changed that, forcing his way into my heart, whether I liked it or not – relentless in his pursuit. I will always be grateful to him for not giving up on me, for continually pushing me to open up, to let him heal me and love me for who I am. It’s been a long and bumpy road for us to get to where we are now, with a lot of heartache along the way, but we’re stronger for it. He’s given me more chances than I deserve. He believed in me, in us, when I didn’t have the strength to; and he saved my life two months ago, giving me the opportunity to raise our beautiful baby girl with him. I am his, in every sense of the word, in every way possible. Carter de Rossi is ‘the one,’ he is everything to me, and I will make sure he knows that, every minute of every day, for as long as we both shall live…
CARTER
Ten Months Later
The sun is shining in Central Park today, the birds are chirping, and I’m surrounded by family and friends to celebrate my baby girl’s first birthday. I can’t believe it’s been a year since our life was turned upside down. It’s amazing how much one tiny little human can change every aspect of your life.
Nothing can prepare you for how you’re going to feel when you become a parent. The fear, the worry, and the love you feel for this helpless little baby from the moment you lay eyes on them – it’s fucking amazing.
We had a rough start, with Verona and Addi fighting for their lives, but my girls are survivors, strong-willed, fierce and determined when they put their mind to something. Verona is so like Addi, not only in looks, but in personality. She has a tenacity that can be trying as a parent, but it will stand her in good stead when she’s older. I swear she is going to be a real ball buster! I fucking love that about her.
Since we brought her home from the hospital, Addi and I have really found our stride. We’ve learned to trust each other again, far beyond what we
ever had before. We rely on each other, we’re a team. It’s a joke of ours when Verona is giving us a hard time - it’s us against her, baby. We’re a family.
Addi and I still share an intense and explosive passion for each other that never seems to fade or falter. I always thought the fierce connection we share would be the death of us, because that level of passion can become toxic between two strong-willed people, but I was wrong. Our explosive connection is our greatest strength; it’s an unshakeable foundation that will always be there. Embracing that fact has allowed us to build on it, to use it, and to cherish it.
Taking a step back from work and handing over the day to day running of the clubs was the best decision I’ve ever made. I get to spend so much time with my favorite girls. I have been there for all of my Tesorina’s firsts – first word, first smile, first steps. You can’t put a price on that, and I wouldn’t change it for anything.
Addi decided not to go back into advertising. Instead, she spends her days with Verona, and she loves it. She set up a charity to help raise money and awareness for premature babies in the NICU and their families; she also started a website for young women who’ve had hysterectomies, which has been a great success, bringing women together from all over the world, giving them somewhere they can talk with others who understand what they’re going through.
It was a major turning point for Addi when she started the website. It has allowed her to connect with and help so many other young women. It’s still hard for her, and for me, to know that we can’t ever give Verona a biological brother or sister, but we’ve spoken about adoption, and I think at some point in the future, we’ll give a baby a home and a family, and a big sister that will love the crap out of them!
The party is in full swing, and Verona is being completely and utterly spoiled by everyone. It’s a joy to watch her interact with her grandparents, and with our friends. She has funny little names for everyone, and her own special relationship with each and every one of them. Xander and Lily are Xan and Lelly – they dote on her and I wouldn’t be surprised if Verona has a little playmate in the not too distant future. Vittoria is Aunt Tori, and Logan is Log – We don’t get to see much of them with their work schedules, but when we do, Verona is mesmerized by her ballerina aunt, and she has a soft spot for Logan’s charms. He’s great with her, always ready with a silly game or a funny face to amuse her. I have no idea what is going on between Vittoria and Logan anymore. I don’t think they’re together, but I can see that they still have feelings for each other. Addi made me promise not to beat the shit out of him, and to let Tori make her own decisions. I can’t refuse her anything, so I agreed, but if he ever hurts my little sister, all bets are off, and I will bury him in a shallow grave!
