by Sienna Parks
“I’m not the player I used to be. My hand doesn’t move the same way on the strings anymore.”
“I’m not going to be judging you on technique, Logan. I just find it weird that I’ve never heard you play or sing a single note. It’s been such a huge part of your life, of your story. I want to hear you.”
I take the guitar, and sit down on the closest couch. The feel of the wood and strings, so familiar to me. It’s comforting, and a little sad. I decide to play the song I wrote for her when I was on tour with the boys, but I don’t tell her that. The room seems eerily quiet as I begin to sing, strumming my fingers over the strings, and losing myself in the lyrics. They seem even more poignant to me after everything we’ve been through since I wrote it. Almost like a premonition of what was to come. I forgot how caught up I could get, everything around me fading away, leaving just me and the guitar, and the music. I really miss it, and as the song comes to an end, I feel bereaved. To have lost my chance, before it began. I feel Vittoria’s loss all over again. Devastated for her; remembering the way she used to command the stage, taking the music and the audience with her on an enchanting adventure.
I set the guitar down, and turn to see tears streaming down her sweet face. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“That was… God, Logan, your voice is stunning; and the emotion you put into it… it was like listening to your soul. You’re so talented. I can’t believe you never told me.”
“What would I say? I never tell anyone about it. It’s in the past, and it was over before it started. I told you what happened. It is what it is.”
“I was so wrapped up in my own heartbreak at the time, I never fully appreciated what you’ve been through. Logan, I rarely see anyone who feels music the way I do, who channels it through their own body. You do that! You understand it in ways that no one else can. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you to go through losing that alone. I had you, and it still almost broke me. You’re an amazing man.”
“I had no choice. My mom didn’t want to know. She thought I ruined her life. So, I got on with it, not because I’m some remarkable guy, but because I just had to. There was no other option for me.”
“Is that why things are still bad between you and your mom?”
“Yeah. She never once saw it from my point of view. That I lost everything trying to defend her. All she saw was me getting in the way of what she thought her life should be. I was an inconvenience to her, and I still am.”
“Have you ever told her how you feel?”
“No. It wouldn’t do any good. She’s intrinsically selfish, she always has been. She’s incapable of seeing anything from someone else’s perspective; how her actions might affect them. Her number one priority is herself, and that’s never going to change.”
“But, maybe it would help you? Let you get it off your chest?”
“Let’s not waste our night talking about my mom.”
“Okay, if that’s what you want.”
I pull her into my arms, seeking comfort in her warm embrace. “It is. Please change the subject.”
She starts stroking my hair, twisting it in her fingers. “I loved the song you were singing. So haunting. Who’s it by? I don’t think I’ve heard it before.”
“I wrote it… for you.” She stops dead, her body frozen for a moment, before she pulls me in, her lips finding mine in a fierce and passionate kiss.
“I love you so much, Logan Fitzgerald. What did I ever do to deserve you?”
“You’re… you. You’re mine. You’re everything.”
She quickly straddles me, her legs coiling around my waist as she deepens our kiss, desperate for more, and I’m about to oblige her, when there’s a knock at the open door. Josh is standing waiting, with his eyes cast to the floor. “We’re good to go when you are.”
I’m beginning to dislike this guy already. First he hits on my girl, and then he cock blocks me. He’s lucky I’m a professional, and that I believe I can help his band to take it to the next level.
I pull Vittoria close, leaning in to whisper in her ear. “We’ll continue this later.”
“Yes, Master Fitzgerald.” Fuck, it’s hot when she calls me that in public, even if it’s in whispers, and it makes me want her even more than I already do.
All through dinner, all I can think about is her; I can’t concentrate on the meeting, or the band. My mind replays those three simple words, over and over again, ‘Yes, Master Fitzgerald,’ and it has me straining against my jeans. Her blatant public submission is such a turn-on. I’m really looking forward to hearing her say those words to me while she’s wearing my bracelets.
I can’t wait to get her back to New York. To our future.
I never thought I would feel this way again. I never thought I would be truly happy and content. It’s been nine months since I left rehab, and true to his word, as always, Logan has been by my side, loving me, and saving me from myself. The day after we made love in the playroom, he arranged an appointment for me with one of the best therapists in New York, and I’ve been seeing her twice a week ever since.
Within two sessions, I was diagnosed with depression brought on by PTSD, and I’ve been learning how to read my moods, and to recognize when I’m going through a rough patch. My triggers and my coping mechanisms. Ballet has been my way of coping with everything since I was ten years old, and it worked to an extent, but I never really dealt with the root of the problem.
I feel like I’ve been reborn these past months. Like I can look at the world through fresh eyes, and see my life for what it is. It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty damn close, and who can ask for more than that? Logan has been so attentive, loving, and commanding. Anticipating my needs, and acting only in my best interests at all times. He’s never selfish, and is always so understanding and patient with me. I couldn’t want for a better Master, lover, and friend. He’s the whole package, and I wake up every morning wondering how I’m lucky enough to be loved by such an amazing man.
We’re in L.A. this week. Logan’s meeting with a new band, and he didn’t want to leave me behind. It’s still a sore point for him that I lied to him when we were apart before. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t trust me; I’ve done my best to earn back his trust in the past few months. I think he’s just worried about me more than anything. It’s been hard on him, and I’ve hurt him in ways I can’t even begin to fathom, but he has been so gracious and loving. I would do anything he asked of me, and coming here wasn’t exactly a chore. I want to be here with him, and we’ve been having the most amazing time together.
Last night I heard him play the guitar, and sing for the first time. I knew he had aspirations that were dashed when he was a teenager, but I never grasped the gravity of his loss until now. His voice is phenomenal, and the touch he has when he plays, is so natural, so effortless. There are technically brilliant dancers, or musicians, but you can always tell the truly gifted artist. They have an edge that you can’t teach, that you can never replicate. I had it, and so does Logan. I’m sad for the eighteen-year-old boy who never got to live out his dream, the one he was born for. It puts my own story in perspective. I thought my life was over because my career ended prematurely, but watching him last night, I realized how lucky I’ve been. I got to live what I love. I got to know what it felt like to do everything I dreamed of since I was a kid. No one can ever take that away from me.
I’m in awe of Logan. He found a way to harness what he loves, and carve a successful career for himself. He gives me hope for the future. I want that - to find a way to marry my love for dance, with a fruitful career and a future I can be excited about. Don’t get me wrong, life is great right now, but I can’t live off of Logan forever, it’s not who I am. I can’t define myself by my relationship with him. I’m his submissive, and I love it, I love him, but I want to find a new identity for myself, something that’s just for me. I want to be a person he can be proud of.
We’ve had a great time while w
e’ve been here in L.A. Enjoying great food, great music, and great company. Our nights have been spent making love, and my Master has come out to play and punish on several occasions. It’s been the perfect break.
Today is our last day, and Logan finished with all his meetings yesterday, so we’re going out exploring. I get a full day with him, all to myself, and L.A. is ours for the taking! First stop is going to be Griffith Observatory. I love anything and everything to do with the stars. There’s something about staring up into the sky above, and contemplating just how small and insignificant you are in the scheme of things; our lives are a blink of an eye; a single grain in the sands of time.
You can’t see much through the telescopes in the observatory; the L.A. skies are too smoggy. But, the exhibits are mind-blowing. We spend hours just walking around, talking and taking in every detail. It’s so calm and serene, and I love every second of it.
When we finally head out into the California sunshine, ready for lunch, my phone starts ringing in my pocket. Logan pulls me close, scrambling my thoughts with his exquisite kiss. “Ignore it. Today is our day. No interruptions; just us. Remember?”
“I remember. Just let me check who it is.” He starts kissing my neck, and behind my ear, right where he knows he’ll drive me wild. He doesn’t play fair. “Oh shit! It’s Luca. I haven’t spoken to him in at least six months. I really need to take this. Sorry. I promise I’ll be quick.”
He reluctantly lets go of me, promising some wonderful form of punishment for my disobedience.
“Hey, Luca. How are you?”
“Vittoria bella. How I’ve missed your sweet voice.”
“I’ve missed you, too.”
“I’m sorry to call you out of the blue like this, but I have some major news.”
“Don’t apologize. I’m thrilled that you called. So, what’s the big news?”
“I’ve been asked to take a position as a choreographer at the Joffrey Ballet Institute in Florence.”
“Holy Shit, Luca! Congratulations. That’s amazing. What an honor.” The Joffrey Ballet is one of the most prestigious ballet schools in the world, and their program in Florence is one of the best. It’s a real honor to be headhunted by a school of that caliber.
“There’s more.” He pauses, gauging my reaction, but I just wait for him to continue. “They want you.”
“What do you mean, they want me?” I can see the anguished look in Logan’s eyes as he puts the pieces of my conversation together in his mind.
“They need a choreography team. Several of the faculty members have seen us perform together over the years, and they thought you were, astounding. They’re right, Vittoria. There was no one better than you.”
“Was, Luca. I can’t dance anymore.”
“You won’t need to. Don’t you see? This is a way to be a part of what you love. To create art and beauty, and ballet. You can do this. They want you, and so do I. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.”
“When do they want you… us, to start?”
“Next week.”
“NEXT WEEK?? That’s impossible. I have a life here, Luca. I can’t just leave it all behind.”
“I know it’s a lot to take in, but will you at least take a day to think it over, before you say no? This is huge, and you can’t just dismiss it without even thinking about it.”
“I know it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, Luca. I mean, the Joffrey Ballet doesn’t come knocking every day, but I…”
“Just think it over. Talk to Logan. Call me tomorrow. Okay?”
“Okay.”
I hang up the phone, stunned and confused, and shaking like a leaf. Ten minutes ago, everything was clear to me. Now, I feel… I don’t know what I feel.
“Vittoria? You look pale. Do you want to sit down? What’s going on?” I look up into the eyes of the man I love, and I can see that he’s worried. “Talk to me.”
I take a deep breath, trying to compose myself.
I go on to relay my conversation with Luca, word for word. The job, the opportunity, the honor of being asked, and also, the fact that I can’t accept the offer.
“You’re taking the job. No arguments.” His voice is cold; lacking any emotion.
“You want me to go?”
“Fuck! Of course I don’t want to lose you, Tori, but like Luca said, this is a once in a lifetime offer. You can’t just turn your back on it. You know in your heart that he’s right; that I’m right.”
“What about us?” My heart is racing, dread filling my stomach as I await his answer.
“You’re the love of my life, my soulmate. What kind of man would I be if I held you back? If I made you choose between me and a career you love? I can’t be that selfish with you. You need to do this.”
“You didn’t answer the question, Logan. What about us?”
“We… we’ll have to say goodbye. I can’t be your Master across continents again. It didn’t work the first time, and the consequences were too much to bear. I won’t risk that again. You need a clean break. A chance to find… love, happiness, and everything your heart desires.”
“You are what my heart desires, above all else. Even ballet.”
He walks us over to a bench and sits me down, dropping to his knees in front of me. The resignation in his eyes has me struggling to breathe. “You can’t give this up for me. You would hate me for it in years to come, and I couldn’t live with that. If you don’t at least try, you’ll always wonder. I can’t be the reason that you miss out on such an amazing chance. I could never forgive myself.”
“So, you just want me to leave in a week, and that’s us done? After everything we’ve been through; how hard we’ve fought to be together? You just want to throw it all away? Don’t I mean anything to you?”
“How dare you! You think this is easy for me to say this to you, to contemplate you leaving? You mean everything to me, and you fucking well know it, so don’t say shit like that. I love you, and I will always fight for you; for what’s best for you. This is what’s best. I’m telling you, as your Master, that you need to do this.”
I can’t believe he’s saying these things to me. That he’s not fighting for me to stay with him. My head is spinning, my world turned upside down. “But, I can’t leave you.”
“Just for a minute, don’t think about me. There is only one question that you need to answer, and the rest we deal with later.” I can’t stand to see the pained look in his eyes as he forces himself to say the words. “If I wasn’t a factor, and you were offered this job, would you take it?” I don’t want to answer him, because I know what he’ll make me do, but I can’t lie to him. We agreed on complete honesty a long time again. “Answer me, Nyx.”
“Yes. I would take the job in a heartbeat. It’s the nearest I will ever come to dancing again, and it’s with one of the best schools in the world.”
“Then you have your answer.”
“It’s not that simple. You are a factor in this; in my life. You are the only factor that matters.” I can’t hold back the tears; letting them roll down my cheeks as I fight to make sense of this.
“Let me take you back to the hotel. This isn’t the place to be talking about life changing decisions, and I think we could both use a minute to process all of this.” He takes my hand and leads me in the direction of our hotel. The silence between us is deafening, but I can’t speak past the lump in my throat, and I can see that Logan is struggling to maintain his calm bravado. A sick feeling settles in the pit of my stomach. I know what he’s going to say, what he’s going to do. He’s my Master. He always has been, and always will be, selfless, when it comes to my happiness.
I don’t know if I could be happy in Florence, without Logan. What I do know, is that he’s going to take the decision out of my hands; the impossible choice between the love of my life, and the one thing I’ve loved my whole life.
He’s going to make me leave him.
I can’t believe how quickly all of this has happened. A week ag
o, I was planning to buy a house with Vittoria. I was going to give her my version of a submissive collar, and we were going to live happily ever after. Now, seven days later, I’m standing in my closet, picking out a shirt to wear to her leaving party. I can’t even begin to process all of this.
After the initial shock, Vittoria is slowly becoming excited about the opportunity to work with Luca at the Joffrey Ballet, and what better place for her to start over than Italy. She has family there to help her get settled, and she’ll being doing something that she loves, at one of the most prestigious schools in the world. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity and she knows it. That’s why I insisted that she take it.
She agonized over the decision for days; back and forth as if it was a real choice, but in the end, she realized that I wasn’t going to back down. I couldn’t bear for her to live a life here with me, always regretting what might have been. I know how much she misses ballet, and this is her way to reconnect with that part of herself. I understand the need for that better than most. I managed to find a way to channel my passion for music, and it changed my life. I want that for her, and I know she’ll never be truly happy without it.
I decide on a black shirt and charcoal pants; dark – just like my mood. Carter has organized an amazing party, with all of Vittoria’s friends and family, and it’s the last place I want to be tonight. Her flight leaves first thing tomorrow morning, and all I want to do is steal her away, and not share her with anyone. I want to take her into our playroom one last time, and worship every inch of her until it’s time to say goodbye.
As I stand, staring into the mirror, past it into empty space, Vittoria creeps up behind me, snaking her arms around my waist.
“I could stare at you all day long. I don’t blame you for doing it, too!”
I twist around to see her mischievous grin shining up at me. “If you must know, I was thinking about all the things I’m going to do you after the party. I hope you don’t plan on getting any sleep tonight.”
