by Turner, Xyla
I noticed with Goliath, talking about his past, his parents or even the future made him antsy. So, those were topics I avoided with him. For that reason, we got along swimmingly. Now the question remained, for how long.
A month after our non-verbal agreement to add sex as a component, I was leaving early from Goliath’s for a doctor’s appointment. An older couple was standing outside of his door.
“Oh, hello,” I greeted them. “Are you looking for someone?”
“Why yes, our son Goliath Minnows,” the woman spoke.
Okay.
“Oh, uh, yes. This is his apartment, right here.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. “Won’t you come in.”
They thanked me and stepped inside. I hastily walked back to the bedroom and shook Goliath a little too violently.
“Fuck, Phoebe, where’s the goddamn fire?” he growled.
In an attempt to whisper, I leaned down and yelled in his ear, “Your parents are here and I have to go to the doctor.”
He knifed right up and said, “Fuck.”
The man looked like he’d seen a ghost or something.
“Do you want me to stay. I can reschedule?” I asked based on the look that took over his features.
“No, no.” He was emphatic. “Go to the doctor’s and I’ll call you later. Okay?”
“Uh, okay.” I nodded. “Well, have a good day with them.”
“Yeah,” he said and turned over, pulled on some shorts and a shirt. “See you.”
I was dismissed.
As I left, I said to the smiling couple, “He’s coming out but it was nice to meet you. I have to run, right now.”
“Are you Phoebe?” the man asked.
What?
“Yes, I’m Phoebe,” I smiled at the man.
Before I could realize what was happening, the woman gripped me in a hug and started to cry. All I could make out was bits and pieces of what she was saying, but she was thanking me, glad I was in her son’s life and had helped him.
“Mom,” Goliath barked. “Let her go.”
She quickly let me go and said, “We’ll talk.”
“Phoebe has to go, right.” He gave me a pointed look which signaled for me to leave.
“Right.” I nodded. “Nice meeting you.”
I left and decided that we definitely needed to have a conversation about that sort of behavior because I didn’t feel right with the interaction. No introduction, no nothing.
When I arrived at the doctor’s, I was hopeful they would say my stress level was nonexistent because the new man in my life gave me an orgasm almost daily.
Nope.
Instead, they said it was due to those same almost daily orgasmic releases that I was pregnant.
Great googly moogly.
I hadn’t had my period in two months and that wasn’t rare for me because my cycle fluctuated and was never regular. However, I’d get sick to my stomach various times throughout the day and that was not good, so that’s why I made the appointment.
Goliath and I were not ready to be parents. We weren't even ready to commit to each other, forget co-parenting. This one, I was keeping to myself for the time being, but first he and I had to discuss the parent issues.
* * *
When I came home that night, he was not home. I texted him and he texted me back, saying he’d see me tomorrow.
Okay.
When tomorrow came, I was knocking on his door when I returned from my rounds.
“Hey, baby,” he greeted me.
“Hey.” I walked in.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“What’s right?”
Dang. I was in one of those moods. I didn’t mean to be nasty, but that’s where I was and I didn’t know how to stop.
“Okay, let’s sit and talk.” He was trying to pacify me.
“No, let’s stand.” I folded my arms. “Why don’t you want me to meet your parents?”
Well, that caused him to sit down.
“Babe, it’s not that. I just don’t want you to meet them right now,” he said.
“What difference does it make, right now or later?” I asked. “What’s later, Goliath? I didn’t know there was a later because we never talk about later or future. It’s like there is an unspoken rule: No past, no future, no parents. Am I right?”
“You’re right,” he said with a head nod.
“So…” I let it hang.
“Just not now?”
“You’re going to need to give me a reason why, Zou.”
His eyebrow rose, then he said, “Because I’m not sure what we’re doing just yet. You know this. We agreed to take what we need. We’ve been doing that and the whole parent conversation, past and future seems a bit pre-mature.”
Well, that did it for me.
I was in that sort of mood and while I didn’t go there often, today was going to bring it all out. I was blaming the hormonal changes taking place in my body as the Father of that change took what I thought was something with potential and trivialized it to just sex.
Yup, that was it for me.
My legs carried me to the door causing Goliath’s eyes to grow and he was about to get up, but I held up my hand to stop him.
“Nope, have a seat, honey. You’re going to want be sitting down to hear this.”
He lowered his body back into the chair and that’s when I began.
“Goliath, I’ve enjoyed us. Not just the past two months, but also the time before that. You were so much more than I anticipated when I got up the nerve to meet and talk to you. I never expected to fall in love and definitely not to a wounded soul like yourself. I’ve tried to give you what you needed, when you needed because you’d never talk to me. You wouldn’t confide in me about the turmoil that marred you so bad emotionally. I didn’t ask. I could guess, but I figured, one day you’d come around. I’ve wanted you to meet my dad since my life revolves around you, he’d have to know you existed. But I was afraid because you didn’t even know where you wanted us to be, so I just forgot the conversation about parents. Right? These are just a few of the concessions I made for you. I’m not trying to throw them in your face, but I do want you to know some of the things I haven’t voiced until now. So when you look me in my face and say, we’re not there yet. We’re not to the meeting of the parents, because you don’t know about me or us, that cuts deeper than any Samurai sword. It cuts to the bone. You won’t, wait, can’t be without me, but we’re not there yet. We’ve spent the past few months in each other’s bed every single night without fail and we’re not there yet. It doesn’t even feel right not talking to you every day, but we’re not there yet.”
I nodded my head, then I continued, “What I just heard you say, Goliath, is that we won’t ever get there because if we’re not there now, we never will be.”
He was about to get up, but I held up my hand as I turned the knob. “No, sit down. I’m not finished.”
“Phoebe,” he called. “Just …”
“I said to sit down because I’m not finished,” I screamed.
Goliath’s butt hit the chair and his face was in complete shock.
“As I was saying,” I gestured between the two of us with my forefinger and continued, “this won’t work. Okay. We can’t keep doing this. From now on, we’re neighbors. No sleepovers, no breakfast, no invites, and all that. If we see each other, we speak; if we don’t, we’ll assume the other is okay. No check-ins, no calls, texts or stalking okay. I won’t be throwing my trash away in the middle of the night anymore. This isn’t up for negotiation. I’m not taking opinions and I’m not talking about it. That’s how it is going to be. Now, you don’t have to worry about me meeting your parents and we can go back to our happy lives, right? You can sleep till noon and mourn your life away and I’ll do something with mine.”
He was shaking his head adamantly and if I could see right, it looked like tears were in his eyes. I didn’t wait around to confirm, so I quickly pulled the door open, closed it and ran up
stairs to my apartment and locked it behind me. Seconds later, he started banging.
“Phoebe, open the door. Please.” He pounded on the door. “Babe, open the door and let’s talk.”
This kept going on for over thirty minutes and even the dragon lady came out and yelled for him to knock it off. He proceeded to cuss her out, which ended with her saying she’d call the cops.
My phone was ringing off the hook, so I left all of my electronic devices in the living room, turned on my music in the bedroom and cried myself to sleep under the covers.
* * *
That was Goliath’s last attempt to talk to me, which I appreciated and hated all at the same time. I missed him terribly as he was a permanent fixture in my life and often a source of my daily humor but I had to think about more than just me now. I had to figure out what I was going to do with us.
My plan was to move and live stress free and I never counted a baby into the equation. I would probably have to get a job to support one. I could barely afford to live off my jewelry income, although lately I had received a lot of orders. Like an abundance of them, which was actually weird.
One of my internet buddies mentioned to me about possibly moving further down south because the cost of living was cheaper. She said that I could probably share a shop with her, or keep my business online, or do both. She even had a guy that had an apartment for rent.
My dad would think I was bananas, but so was starting a relationship with a guy in your building. I knew it was not a good idea because the anxiety of seeing him at any time was almost too much to bear and it had only been three weeks. I had about another month or so to decide what I was going to do about the baby but in the meantime, since everything in Lily seemed to work out almost seamlessly, I did make one decision.
I was moving.
I had to break the news to someone else first. Ollie was the one I cared about most and what he would say. We’d already had the ‘I told you so conversation’ so now when I went to tell him I was going to move; I didn’t know what to expect.
“You say you’re moving, huh?” he asked.
“Yeah, Ollie. I know it’s short notice, but things are looking great in Savannah, Georgia. Want to see the apartment I’m going to rent?” I held out my phone.
He only nodded his head.
“What?” I asked.
“Well, this is good. Good chess play, sister. I like the way you think.” He pointed to me.
“What are you talking about, Ollie. This is no game. I am moving. I leave in two weeks. You’re the only person that knows, now let’s keep it that way.”
He nodded, then winked.
“Okay, keeping it that way.”
“No winking, Ollie.” I threw up my hands. “For heaven’s sake. This is serious.”
“Girl, don’t you think I know that. You’ve been here for years, fall in love and can’t bear the thought of staying, so you decide to pack up and move. This is goddamn serious.”
“Right.” I noted.
“Okay, well God’s speed to ya. I got to go to my chess game and try this new move I learned on those old bastards. They won’t know what hit them.” He laughed.
“Right, well, okay.” I walked towards the door. “I’ll see you later.”
“You sure will.”
I ran a few errands near Harrisburg and decided to stop and get some food on the way back. The drive through line was long, so I turned on my favorite station WDNJ and the DJ was reading a letter.
I digress. I called into the station months ago and asked that you play Down by Mat Kearney. It was one of my favorite songs that got me through when I was over in Baghdad. I was not receiving help and my parents desperately wanted me too but I thought I had found a solution when I met this woman. She was positive, beautiful and such a beacon of light into my dark soul. I felt the army had taken everything away from me but she showed me there was still something left. Love. She made me love her though I could never say it. I’m sure I looked like those guys you see, who are madly in love with their women or wives, but just could not voice it. I was that guy and I was also afraid. The irony is I’ve walked in front of bullets and offered my life as a sacrifice for my country but couldn’t let the woman I love know that I did because my biggest fear is that she would stop loving me once she found out who I really was.
Since that phone call all those months ago, I’ve lost her. My fear of her leaving was the reason she left and now I’ve heard today that she is leaving me for good. I’m not so self-absorbed to think she’s leaving because of me, but it feels like that. I turned on the radio again and I waited to hear that song and when I called in, I was not able to get through, so I’m asking via email, can you please play that song.
At this point in my life I need to hear it. I know she’s not my savior and I shouldn’t have treated her as one. That was my fault. I’ve started to see the counselor that my parents recommended for me and our relationship is much better. I’m also seeing things clearer now and I’m at the place where I know what I want. I can see it without the haze of depression clouding over it or fear.
If you could play Down by Mat Kearney I’d be eternally grateful.
Thank you.
A listener.
WOW.
“That was from one of our listener’s and man if you’re listening, know that we are here for you. We pray that everything works out with the woman, who seems to be a positive influence on your life. But you said it, she can’t save you. That needs to start with you and you’ve sought the help, so kudos. Here’s Down for you.”
Baby when all you see is darkness
It's coming down now
We all need forgiveness
Coming round now
The familiar song started to play and I swear tears started to come down from my eyes. A while ago, when I heard that song and a guy’s story that was in the Army, I started to cry then as well. What a coincidence.
The next day, I left to go my doctor’s appointment. When I walked out my door, I saw Goliath standing there, pacing back and forth.
Crap.
“Goliath,” I called.
He whipped around and his clear eyes met mine. His hair was cut, his ‘V’ neck shirt fit perfectly and the cargo shorts were new because I’d never seen them before.
“Phoebe,” he smiled.
“What’s up?” I adjusted my purse on my shoulder.
“Everything,” he laughed nervously. “I needed to talk to you for a little.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said automatically. “I told you this.”
“I know what you said, but I disagree with you.” He placed his hands behind his back. “We should talk.”
My head was shaking no, as I closed and locked my door.
“No, Goliath. We shouldn’t because all that was needed to be said, has already been said,” I explained and turned around to leave but he was in my way.
“No, you uttered some bullshit my way, didn’t give me a chance to speak, broke up and left me. That’s what happened and that’s not the Phoebe I know. Which makes me think something else is going on that you’re not telling me or you and your body have been lying to me this entire time.” He folded his arms.
“You mean lying as in the same way you kept everything from me. The way you don’t talk about your past, refuse to face the future and don’t even get me started on the parents thing,” I said. “Now, I have an appointment and you need to move.”
“Want to know about my past?” he asked. “Fine. I’ll tell you. I’m a veteran. Okay. I was in the Army from six long fucking years. Gave my everything to have it all plucked away from me, piece by fucking piece. I gave up any friend that I had, any hope of living a normal life, every fucking thing. I’ve seen babies being eaten, shot people in the head at point blank range and had friends die in my arms. I’ve been shot four times, was in a convoy truck that was overturned by an IED, and blew up buildings that contained women and children. Then I was honorably
discharged to come back and live my life here in America. How does someone come back from that nightmare?” he said. “How do you live a normal life after seeing that type of shit, after living it? How about after drinking your own distilled piss and eating like a savage? How the fuck does one resume their life? What life? Right. I thought you were the answer and for a time, you gave me hope but I was still living in fear. If I loved you the way I should have, I was certain that you would have learned about this shit and run as far away as possible. You are the most carefree person I know. You purposefully made your life that way because of all the shit that you were dealing with. I didn’t want to bombard you with these facts and that I suffered from depression and withdrawal. I didn’t feel like I belonged until you.”
Holy mother.
“When you left me, I had to face my parents. They were so happy you were in my life, but you were a Band-Aid, not a cure. So, I stared to see someone. I’m still seeing them and life seems clearer now. Much clearer. I just wanted to thank you for having the courage to do what you did because I’m not sure how long I would have just taken from you and not been able to return anything to your beautiful soul.”
There were no words that could describe my feelings at that moment. He was a vet, depressed and seeing someone.
Wow.
And I was pregnant, moving and feeling like a cruel joke had been played on me.
“Well, that is, wow,” I started to say. “Awesome news. You know. Congratulations! I’m glad everything is working out for you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go.”
“Thanks. Hey, how about I come with you?” he asked.
“No, Goliath. That’s not a good idea. Okay?” I answered.
“Phoebe, I told you what happened. What else do you want?” he pleaded with me.
“Nothing. That’s the thing, I don’t want anything from you.”
He nodded his head and said, “I see. I have more work to do to regain your trust.”
“No, actually you don’t. Things are settled between us.” I gestured towards him. “We’re good and plus, I’m moving at the end of next week.”
