“I can sleep on the floor if you want,” I heard Charlie say behind me.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said as I turned around to face him. “I don’t want you to.”
Oh God, please don’t take this as an invitation.
“Phew! Thanks,” he said, “I must admit I wasn’t looking forward to sleeping on the floor with a comfy bed right next to me.”
“I can imagine.”
We continued to stand there. Me with my hands in my back pockets staring at the floor, Charlie looking at the bed.
Awkward.
Charlie was the one to break the silence.
“Why don’t you go and do what you have to do in the bathroom. I’ll take second turn.”
“Oh, okay. Thanks,” I said and escaped to the little bathroom tucked in the corner of the room next to the entrance. Once inside, I leaned against the closed door.
Shit, shit, shit. Why can’t I just talk to Charlie, say that I have no feelings for him?
How I hated being in situations like these. There had been occasions before, where boys showed their interest in me. All I had done was try to avoid them from that moment on like the plague. But I couldn’t ignore Charlie, could I?
I couldn’t think of a way out, so I decided to have a shower in the hope it would relax me, apart from the fact that I was beginning to smell. The deodorant I was given could only do so much.
I made sure I locked the bathroom door before getting undressed. I remembered a story from Maxine, how one of her boyfriends had walked in on her while she was getting changed with more on his mind than using the toilet. She had told us all about it as Julie and I were only just getting interested in boys at the time and wanted to know every little detail.
Sweet memories.
I was half undressed when Charlie called out from the room. He nearly gave me a heart attack.
“What side of the bed do you want to be on?”
Does it matter?
When I slept with Sue in the double bed we just took a side. We hadn’t argued over who took which side. I didn’t know if there were any perks of sleeping on one side or the other.
“Um, I don’t care. You pick where you want to sleep,” I said.
“Okay, I will. Thanks,” came the reply, but he didn’t say which side he chose.
The shower was so great. I couldn’t remember when I had my last one, and I had to force myself to get out of it when my fingers started to get wrinkly. As I was drying my hair, this image of a naked Charlie lying on the bed, waiting for me, popped up in my mind.
Oh no, he wouldn’t, would he?
My stomach tried to tie itself into a Celtic knot. I used the hairdryer and the deodorant, brushed my teeth, cleaned my nails, and got dressed again. Looking in the mirror, I couldn’t think of anything else to keep me in the bathroom for longer.
Pretend he’s Sue, Kate.
My vision became blurry, and I had to wipe away a tear.
Maybe not.
I took a deep breath. Grabbing a firm hold of the door handle, I opened the bathroom door slightly.
“Ah, you’re finally done. God, you take a long time to freshen up. I hope you left some hot water for me,” Charlie said as he jumped off the bed and waited for me to exit the bathroom. To my relief, he was still completely dressed, and the knot in my stomach untied itself a fraction.
From the wrinkles in the blanket, I could tell Charlie had chosen the side of the bed closest to the exit, which I thought was a nice, protective gesture. Anyone storming into the room would get to him first. Not that they wouldn’t then get to me, but still, it was a nice gesture.
I walked over to the window on my side of the bed. Charlie had already closed the curtains, but I adjusted them again to make sure no light would come in during the day. I wasn’t a sucker, but I still liked it dark when I tried to sleep. I shuffled toward the pillow end of the bed between the little space of the bed and the wall and then decided it was better to get undressed at the bed end, where there was more space. So I side-stepped back again and put my clothes on the back of the desk chair.
Why do they always put desks in these tiny bedrooms? Wouldn’t it be better to have a place to put a suitcase on? Who was going to do homework while on holiday?
By the time Charlie emerged from the bathroom, I was already lying under the sheets and had my back turned toward him. All my senses were on full alert.
I heard Charlie put his clothes on the desk. My mind refused to think of what could happen next. To my surprise, Charlie got into bed but between the blanket and the top sheet, so the sheet was a barrier between his body and mine.
Thank you, Charlie. Thank you.
I closed my eyes, now knowing that I was going to be safe with Charlie.
“Goodnight, Kate,” Charlie said as he turned the light off.
“’Night,” I said, and neither of us talked anymore.
The snoring started in no time, and I wished I could fall asleep so easily. Instead, my whole body yearned to be with Caleb. I kept seeing his eyes in front of me, those dark, deep eyes I had drowned in. I wanted so badly to look into those eyes again, to feel his body close to mine, his breath on my neck. My desire for him was so intense, it was an ache that was almost unbearable. It was torturing me slowly, consuming every cell of my body. I had no sense of time, but it seemed like an eternity before I finally fell asleep.
Memories
When I woke up, I was in the same position as I had fallen asleep in, but the blankets had dropped to my waist. I may have kicked them down, maybe Charlie did. It didn’t matter as it wasn’t cold, so I didn’t feel the need to pull them up again. To my annoyance, rays of sunshine were getting through the sides of the curtain despite my adjustments earlier. I didn’t like it and moved my head slightly to avoid the rays on my eyelids. This time the darkness brought back memories I treasured. I relived saying goodbye to my parents on the day I left for Bullsbrook. It was the last time I had seen my parents.
Mom and Dad stood on their porch to wave me off in my over-packed car. I didn’t own much and was amazed at how much effort it had taken me to stuff my humble belongings in it.
Mom had promised me earlier they’d come and visit me as soon as I had settled in. I thought she was very brave to let me, the last child, leave the parental nest. It would be so empty without any of their daughters living at home. I had thought of asking for a job in Portland and living at home to keep Mom and Dad company. However, when the position in Bullsbrook came up, it was an offer I couldn’t refuse. Mom had cried when I had told her the news and Dad had hugged her, kissed her hair and told her everything was going to be alright. I had felt like the ‘Daughter of Doom,’ but when Dad had looked at me, his eyes had told me Mom would be okay. Dad was a cool guy and didn’t talk much, but I knew he loved Mom very much and that they were happy together.
Dad had his arm around Mom’s waist as they stood on their porch. I stuffed the last item, my childhood teddy bear, in the car.
“Please drive carefully, darling,” Mom said.
“Nope, I’m going to hit every lamp post on the way I think,” I joked as I walked back to them.
“Oh, you know what I mean, silly.” She put her arms around me and gave me a big hug. “Make sure to give us a call when you arrive. I’ll be worried sick if I don’t know you’ve arrived safely.”
“I will, Mom, I will,” I soothed her as I kissed her goodbye. Then I gave Dad a hug and a kiss.
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, kid,” Dad said with a smile on his face. He never called me Kate. I was always his ‘kid.’
“Well, that basically means I can do anything I want.” I smiled.
Mom poked Dad in the ribs with her elbow and gave him her angry stare.
“Ouch!” Dad pretended to be hurt. He replaced his arm around her waist, and they both waved as I reversed off their driveway. I missed them as soon as I drove away.
The realization I probably would never see my parents again brought ou
t emotions I had stored deep down these last few days. I missed my parents, I missed Sue. I would never have dinner with them again, talking about the little things we thought mattered in our lives. Never would I hug them, tease them, quarrel or laugh with them again. The realization left a hole in my heart that ate its way through it like acid. Emotions hit me full on, and my mouth contorted in an effort not to cry out loud and wake Charlie. I bit on my hand to prevent sounds escaping from my mouth. Tears from my left eye streamed over the bridge of my nose, flowed underneath my right eye, and merged with the tears from my right eye before wetting the fabric of the pillow cover. Watery snot created another patch of wetness. My body started to shake with every sob I tried to suppress, and I thought of how Mrs. Sloan’s body had shaken with her sobs. How I wished I could let it all out, cry out loud, scream even, but couldn’t. I felt like I was drowning in a pool of tears, completely surrounded by my sadness and misery.
Revelations
I felt a touch on my arm. It was a soft, gentle touch, and it was soothing, stroking me from my shoulder to my elbow. I turned my head and saw Charlie lying on his side, looking at me. He didn’t say anything. I turned around completely, not ashamed to show him my red-rimmed eyes and snotty nose. That was the good thing about Charlie; I could be myself around him. His touch had calmed me, and I had stopped sobbing. Somehow he always made me feel better.
We didn’t talk, we just looked at each other, like we did in the cabin. Since then, we’d gone through so much together, shared so many horrible things, and survived. If it wasn’t for Charlie, I probably wouldn’t be here right now.
I studied his face, his bushy eyebrows, his cute, little nose, the overgrown stubble covering his jaw. His eyes weren’t as dark or as deep as Caleb’s, but they were kind and caring with that extra something I couldn’t place.
After a while, he lifted his hand and stroked my arm again.
No, no, no. This is going the wrong way now.
I rolled onto my back.
“Please don’t, Charlie,” I whispered. I didn’t dare to look him in the eye and see his hurt as I rejected him. To make sure I didn’t make eye contact, I closed my eyes.
“I love you, Kate,” he said. Not in a husky voice or anything like that. Not a whisper either. More like a statement. Yet there was an emotion behind it I couldn’t describe in words. As if it cost him a great deal of effort to say it.
Nooo! Please don’t spoil what we have.
My thoughts went into hyper-drive again.
How can he say he loves me? Yes, we are close, very close, but we’re just good friends. He always called Sue ‘My Lady’ which I assumed was because he was interested in her.
He says he loves me, not that he’s ‘in love’ with me. That means that this is not some whim but rather something that has been going on for longer.
Nevertheless, he has never made any passes at me, not even last night, when there were plenty of opportunities.
Oh, for crying out loud, he told me yesterday he knew I didn’t love him.
“I thought you loved Sue,” I said, trying to keep my voice as neutral as possible.
“True, I liked Sue,” he said, “but making jokes with Sue was just a distraction…to hide my insecurity. I fell in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you.”
I frowned, trying to figure out his words. I kept my eyes shut knowing that if I opened them, I would have to face him, and I wasn’t sure if I could handle that.
“I just had no idea how to let you know. I’ve tried so many times,” Charlie continued. “I didn’t know if you felt something for me. These last few days you gave me hope and, considering the situation, I thought I’d better find out. You know, on the off chance that we could drop one of the lies. I realize I’m not the dream prince most girls are looking for, but I can’t hold in my feelings for you any longer. Being so close to you and not knowing is unbearable.”
The silence that followed was unbearable as well. I didn’t want him to go on, torturing himself over me, the girl who didn’t love him.
I do love you, Charlie, but not in that way. Why can’t you see that? What am I to do now? I don’t want to hurt you.
I had to take him out of his misery. I had to be cruel to be kind which was making me even more miserable. Opening my eyes, I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and sat up. My knees almost touched the wall and my face was right in front of the curtain, the green color of it not having the relaxing effect for which it was chosen. I took a deep breath.
“I don’t love you, Charlie, I love Caleb.”
There, I said it. Now he knows.
“Caleb,” Charlie spat, and I heard him turn onto his back. “What do you know about Caleb?”
Goosebumps appeared on my flesh. The temperature in the room had dropped a considerable amount of degrees. To my surprise, my mind switched sides to Charlie’s.
Yeah, what do you know about Caleb?
“I…I can’t explain, Charlie. I just know I love him, and that he loves me.”
“You don’t know he loves you, Kate,” Charlie said a tad too fast for my liking and with a tone that reminded me too much of the one my mother had used on occasions.
I didn’t know what to say. I struggled, tried to find the right words to express my feelings. Yes, I had feelings for Charlie. Dare I say I loved him? Yes, I did, just not in that way. My feelings for Caleb were so much stronger, so much more intense. Yet my body winced at the thought of hurting Charlie who had always been so good to me, always had such a positive effect on me. He was right that I didn’t know much about Caleb even though every cell of my body yearned to find out. How could I let Charlie know how I felt about Caleb without hurting him at the same time?
I didn’t need to worry for long about how to dispute his words as I heard Charlie get up, grab his clothes, and slam the door of the bathroom behind him. His emotions of love, hurt, and anger swirled through the room like a whirlwind. They pulled up a sorrow from deep within me, and I dropped my head so my hands could catch my tears. I’d forgotten how close I was to the window and smacked my forehead on the windowsill concealed by the curtain.
Fuck!
“Fuck!” escaped from my lips. It was a true sign I was really upset as I hardly ever swore. I was annoyed for letting myself go like that and even more so by the fact that Charlie didn’t come out of the bathroom to check if I was okay. “Fine,” I said under my breath, rubbing the bump that was beginning to form on my forehead. I quickly got dressed, grabbed my jacket, and went outside.
Ponderings
The sun was still shining. Standing in the shadows of the verandah, I blinked heavily and hesitated to move.
I can’t do this anymore.
I wanted to go away so badly, get in a car, and leave the misery behind me. I wanted to feel the warmth of the sun on my face and just drive. I didn’t care where to. True, I wanted to find Caleb, but it was more than that. I wanted normality, the boredom of going to work every day, to hear laughing children around me. I wanted to visit my parents and sisters.
“Please don’t go,” I heard a quiet voice say behind me.
It took me back to reality. I turned around and saw Charlie had come out of the bathroom.
“You’ll expose us all,” he said.
Again, he looked so helpless standing there, his fate yet again depending on my decision. The stupidity of what I had just contemplated hit me. I let my jacket fall to the floor. Guilt mixed with despair overtook me, and I dropped to my knees. I cried. Charlie hurried over, kneeled down next to me, and put his arms around me. I returned the embrace, put my head on his shoulder, and continued to cry and cry. Charlie let me and was silent all the while. When there were no more tears coming, he unlocked our arms and wiped the remaining tears from my face.
“Look, if you are so sure about Caleb, I will help you find him.”
They were the sweetest words I had ever heard.
“Would you do that for me, Smudge?” I asked as I held his hands.
“Of course, Kate. I would do anything for you. I thought you knew that by now.”
You’re the best, Charlie.
I smiled at him. Even though I had been upset with him a few moments ago, I was so glad to have Charlie in my life. He was the rock I could cling to while the turbulent torrent of chaos that surrounded me was trying to grab me, trying to drown me.
He noticed the bump on my forehead and gently touched it. “You want some ice on that?” he asked.
“No, it’s okay,” I said, and I couldn’t suppress a yawn.
“Let’s go inside again,” Charlie said. I nodded.
We lay on the bed, and I put my head on his shoulder, my arm around him. Charlie hesitated for a moment, but then he put his arms around me. With one hand he stroked my hair and we lay like this for a while. Being so close to Charlie was soothing, and I felt safe enough to fall into a deep sleep.
When I woke up again the sun had gone down.
.
Good News and Bad News
This time, the exercise class had to wait until the sun’s rays left the sky as we had to do it in the open space of the center of the village.
“How was your rest?” Harry asked with a big grin on his face while we were stretching our calf muscles.
“None of your business,” Charlie replied before I could think of an appropriate answer.
I glanced at Charlie, but he continued with the exercises as if nothing had happened. I didn’t want Harry to feel bad about the question, so I returned one.
“How was yours?”
“Probably not as good as yours,” he said with a wink, “but not too bad either. I may sleep in a hotel as well, one of these days.” His smile was from ear to ear. I noticed a blush on his cheeks.
“Oooh, who’s the lucky girl, Harry?”
We switched to stretch the other leg. I saw Charlie shake his head, but didn’t say anything. He just smiled.
Living Like A Vampire Page 13
