by Vance Huxley
“Everyone carries a plastic spade when walking dogs, to bury the poop even out in the ruins. Especially after that bit in the books about an infection that gives kids an eye disease.” Casper shrugged. “Offer the objectors one lawn for sunbathing or communing with nature, but not for dogs.” He frowned. “I’m not sure Patty will go for it because veggies aren’t her thing. She puts crumbs on the grass to attract pigeons so she can stick arrows in them.”
Despite being a dedicated carnivore, Patty could see the benefits of spare veggies. Others came round when told that this was a ‘Curtis said’ issue, since Emmy didn’t really rationalise too well over those. This wasn’t the subject to oppose her over, because digging up lawns actually made sense, or it did to most. Harold finally decided he’d rounded up enough support from the originals, and called the rest together. Despite what Liz said, once he’d explained the residents didn’t seem very obedient.
“But the kids need someplace to play.”
“They can run around in the orchard.”
“That’ll also keep the birds off the blossom and young fruit.”
“I thought the grass from the lawns made compost?”
“Dirty cabbage leaves or peelings from veggies work as well. We can collect more greenery from the ruins.”
“But I want to sit on the grass sometimes.”
“When?”
“Why?”
“Like a picnic, but not in a jungle out there where some scroat might shoot me?”
“I fancy that.”
“Especially if we get some sun.”
Harold finally got a word in. “If you can have one lawn, where will it be?”
“In the middle where we can reach it.”
“At the back out of sight.”
“Not for sunbathing. To eat. Outside the canteen?”
“Is that big enough?”
“The scroats might join us.”
“But they’ll be good, and we might civilise a couple.”
“Some of us have civilised a couple already, so to speak.”
“Slut.”
Harold headed off that argument, about who spoke to gangsters and who wouldn’t. “Right, enough. One lawn, a big one, across the front of the canteen. The rest get dug up to provide veggie kindergarten.”
“I want to keep some grass at the back.”
“I’ve spent hours on my lawn and just got it right.”
“We could agree to differ? Anyone keeping a lawn gets less food if there’s a shortage.” Eyes centred on Cristopher, one of those fleeing trouble in the north the previous year, and he blushed. “Just saying.”
“Sounds fair to me.”
“I’m not going hungry for grass.”
“Is that right, what he said?”
Harold shrugged. “Most of us have been hungry at one time or another. There were plenty of lawns about but they didn’t help much?” He smiled. “If you all clear a big enough area of derelict housing out there I’ll let you grow grass on a similar sized patch near the walls. Then you can play football or sunbathe if you like.”
“Or both? I’ll clear it all myself by hand if the girl club will play football in bathing suits.”
“In your dreams Billy.”
“In all his dreams.”
“I’m up for that.” Fergie grinned. “Get digging lads.”
The meeting broke up in a lot of teasing about what the grass might be used for. “Did I get agreement?” Harold smiled. “I didn’t have to glower.”
“Not yet. Wait until it sinks in.” Emmy smirked. “But you can glower the objectors into submission one at a time now.”
Harold didn’t have to go that far, but he had to lurk with a frown a few times while others pressed the point. Most gave in relatively gracefully when a team with forks and spades descended on their garden. Though Harold stamped on an attempt to make the football pitch right now because all the rest of the planting had to be done first. As the days lengthened the clearance volunteers would be able to get started, after their day in the fields.
The little plants in Harold’s conservatory went into his garden, and more tiny green shoots filled the shelves. At least tending them all kept both Daisy and Wills partly occupied, especially when Sharyn surrendered and allowed stinky water tubs in the garden. As yet the concoction had a lid on while the mixture of old leaves and rainwater brewed. Harold began to relax, which turned out to be a mistake.
* * *
Alfie held up his hands in half-hearted self-defence. “Emmy said she was going to check something. It’s Emmy. I’m not exactly going to say no?”
Harold scowled. “Nor me probably, but she shouldn’t have gone on her own. Did she say where?”
“Patty went with her carrying that monster crossbow but I’ve no idea where they were going. They both had packs for some reason?”
Alfie looked relieved when Liz spoke up from behind Harold. “Don’t worry, she’s not gone gangster hunting. She’s not even taken a rifle.”
“Why not? If she’s gone…” Harold stopped. “Not gangster hunting? Where have they gone?”
“Calm down. Emmy said she wanted that crossbow and aluminium bat from the mart attack, then if someone recognised either she’d take them into a dark corner to ask questions.” Liz shrugged. “See, no problem.”
“No problem? That’s across Hot Rods territory! One report of Emmy’s hair or Patty’s crossbow and Caddi will hunt them down.” Harold looked towards the south. “Now it’s dark so I’ll never find them.”
“You charging about out there wouldn’t help them hide, would it?” Liz sighed. “Are you going to trust them or do I have to beat on you, then get Sharyn and possibly Sooty.”
“Sooty?”
“Well she couldn’t take him with her so he’ll be worried and need the relief?” Liz threw up her hands. “Cripes Harold, Emmy isn’t going to run off and do something stupid with the baby and Sooty to worry about. They’ll lay up tomorrow and come back in the dark. She needs this because Emmy can’t beat up half a dozen scroats and execute one.” Liz smirked. “They’re too well-behaved these days after your little temper tantrum. Neither of you two wimps could have stopped Emmy or Patty anyway.”
Harold thought of pointing out that Emmy was already doing something stupid, but that would be a waste of breath. “True. Back tomorrow night?” If they weren’t, Harold would be gangster hunting rather than wait for Caddi to smirk before producing Patty’s crossbow or Emmy’s plaits.
“They promised. Now act as normal as you can remember how to. Go and growl at someone or draw an elephant for Daisy.” Liz turned away. “I’m going to make a celebratory head for the new crossbow when it arrives, something intricate to keep me occupied. The hardened points for you are boring.”
* * *
Though Harold didn’t draw an elephant, not this time, because Daisy’s ship had crashed at night. “The Red Cross Elephant can’t find them Uncle-Harry. Who can rescue the cats now?” From the happy smile Daisy wasn’t too worried, she just wanted something new. “There are no see-in-the-dark goggles in pirate cat-and-dog land.”
Harold silently cursed whoever had shown Daisy the infrared headsets, or he might have got away with that. “How about the Red Cross Owl, or Bat? They’ve got night vision.” The sound of stifled giggles from Sharyn wasn’t helpful.
Daisy thought hard. “The cats need the Red Cross Bat. Maybe we can have a Red Cross Shark for the ones in the water?” Her big grin meant Daisy knew that wasn’t a good idea.
“When did you learn about sharks?”
“At school. They’ve got big gnashy teeth like the pumpkin monster but bigger.”
“That’ll frighten the cats in the water. The Red Cross Bat can swoop down to scoop them up.” Harold did his level best to draw a bat with crosses on his wings, because he really didn’t fancy trying for a shark if Daisy had seen a picture of a real one.
“Brill. Georgina says Brill. Her Cindy Doll is called Brill now because she asked fo
r sanctuary at the gate.” Which meant the recent spat with Georgina must be over but the rest startled Harold. The kids were getting a really strange idea of how the world worked. Daisy set into drawing lots of smaller bats, then began to draw little anchors on each, with a bit of rope hanging down.
“What are those for?”
“The crossbows? Because these are Patty Bats. They are an escort so the scroats don’t get the Red Cross Bat in the dark. They’ve all got their biggest needle loaded. See, there’s the wool.” Harold did his best to keep a straight face but behind him Sharyn gave up. With a strangled squeak she headed for the kitchen where she could descend into hysterical laughter in some sort of privacy.
Harold had to wait until all the cats were rescued, and he’d told a Daisy-story. He came downstairs to be met by a grinning face. “Patty Bats or Batty Pattys?” Harold had his own hysterics, smothered by a cushion so Daisy didn’t come to investigate. That took care of his nerves for a while.
* * *
Harold sort of slept, then worried and weeded all day. He arrived at the guardhouse by the gate as dusk descended. “Did anyone hear anything?”
“No Harold, nor the fifty other times you asked on the phone. Hilda said she left the nearest guardhouse to the garden jacked into this one permanently to save time.” Bernie pointed at the phone. “I’ll let her know you’re done now.”
“You may as well do that on the way home. I’ll finish your shift.”
“Great, I can get home early. Shout if I’m needed.” Bernie headed out of the door at speed. Harold settled the infrared headset and made his first sweep of the caravan park and buildings beyond, the first of many as the night dragged slowly by. Midnight came and went, and Harold started to really worry but there’d been no gunfire from the direction of the mart.
The two hot spots appearing and disappearing in the ruins to the south were an immense relief. Harold reached for the phone. “Hi Faith, they’re coming in, or at least two people are being sneaky from the right direction. Let the others know please. Sorry about waking you.”
“It’s all right Harold. I’ve been worrying too much to go to bed.” Harold went back to using the headset, searching left and right for pursuers. The couple looked right for size and eventually he could see them clearly. Not clearly enough for identification even as they walked up the access since both wore hooded jackets, but he was sure. Not just from Patty’s crossbow and the size of Emmy, but what other two women would be wandering around in the night armed to the teeth and wearing short skirts?
“Cooee. The password is stick a scroat.”
“The password is naughty girls.” Emmy’s head came up and Harold saw the white of teeth as she grinned. “No, that doesn’t get anyone spanked. I suppose you expect us to open the gate so you don’t have to walk round the back?” Harold couldn’t be angry at the pair because he felt too happy about them being safe. Alfie and Jeremy were laughing and already heaving the gate open to let the pair in.
“We are the naughty girls is a song. Though now I think about it maybe it’s cheeky girls? It’s on one of those old CDs.” Patty laughed as the pair came in waving their weapons. “We fixed that little problem, Harold. No more scroats in ambush.”
“Stop shouting. I’ll come down, no, I’m on watch.” Hands lifted the headset from Harold’s head and he turned to find Matti.
“Go on. I’ll get the gory details later. Jeremy is on duty anyway so I may as well stay here.” Matti and Jeremy were fast approaching confetti and garter time, ever since she’d nursed him after Jeremy’s broken nose.
“Ta.” Harold clattered down the stairs to where the pair were waiting with huge smiles. They’d brought the aluminium baseball bat, knives, the machete, and the crossbow.
“Wait up.” Liz came down the road waving hello. “I want to know as well.” Harold waited while a half dozen others arrived.
“Solved what scroat problem? You do know I almost had a heart attack worrying about you?” Emmy grabbed him in a bear hug. “Ouch. Remove some heavy metal first, please.”
“Grouch. Just because we had all the fun.” Emmy grinned. “What did the mart guard say about the houses, why they were still there?”
“Because it was too expensive to knock them down?” Emmy and Patty shook their heads so Harold thought again. “Oh, cripes. Because nobody ever shot at them from there. You didn’t?” Harold looked at them. “You did.” Both nodded. “You stupid… oh hell, you got away with it so I can’t even be cross now.”
“We were going to stick a crossbow bolt in the tower at dusk, as a hint, but guess who came on duty?” Patty beamed. “Laughing boy.”
“How did you know it was him if it was getting dark?” Harold sniggered. “Because you’re a Bat? A Patty Bat?” He straightened his face. “Did you kill him? How the hell did you get away?”
“He came on duty in daylight, late afternoon. How he feels depends on those vest things they wear. I used the pathetic heads that came with the other crossbow, since Liz’s work is distinctive.” Patty grinned and Liz smirked but Harold winced, the bolts with the crossbow were genuine pre-crash hunting heads. “I definitely hit the scroat.” Patty preened. “I practice.”
“Then we ran away very fast for two or three hundred yards. We nipped into a house, broke down the crossbows to put them in the packs, then went for a stroll.” Harold opened his mouth and Emmy waggled her leg, pointing to her exposed knee. “Very obviously two women going for a stroll in the late afternoon, hand in hand.”
“Hand in hand?” Harold looked at Liz, laughing like a loon and holding onto Alfie to keep upright. “Why?”
Liz managed to speak. “Two women, hand in hand. Possibly looking for privacy for the night?”
“Yup. A helicopter came over. Presumably the Army weren’t impressed with what happened either. We hugged and waved.” Emmy’s grin hadn’t wavered.
Neither had Patty’s. “We walked a bit further away then went into a wrecked house before any Hot Rods came looking for the cause of the ruckus. We stayed there until well after dark with loaded crossbows and a bad attitude.” Patty shrugged. “Nobody visited so we came home.”
“Bet they knock those bloody houses down now, bastards.” Emmy put out a hand. “Come on, girlfriend. I’ve got a Sooty boy waiting, and then I’m going to sleep for a whole day.”
“That’s not fair on Liz. A Sooty boy?” Patty took her hand. “People will talk.”
Emmy laughed. “Some will talk about knocking down houses.”
“Are you done now, or do you want to nip over to the Mansion and apple-pie Caddi’s bed?” Harold tried to look stern. “I thought you got yourself straight at Easter or is my shoulder failing at last?”
Emmy grinned. “The shoulder worked great, but I needed just a little something more this time.” Emmy and Patty skipped off down the street singing ‘we are the naughty girls’ leaving everyone else laughing. Harold realised a good bit of their behaviour had to be relief at getting away with it but he also had a big grin, as had most of Orchard Close over the next few days.
* * *
Caddi didn’t have a grin three days later when he came to collect his repaired guns. “The Mart knocked down a quarter mile wide strip of my buildings as well as their houses. Now I can’t get to the bloody mart without going through the neutral zone that the other gangs use. The houses lining that road have strays lurking, so I have to send bodyguards every time someone nips to the bloody shops in case they meet with an accident.” He paused. “The mart guards reckoned somebody hit one of them with a crossbow bolt from a house full of very old bodies.” The gang boss scowled at Patty. “Not one of your bolts, an ordinary hunting head though it blew through his vest. They aren’t happy about that because their own tests reckoned a crossbow wouldn’t penetrate from there.”
Harold didn’t think the mart had used a monster weapon like Patty’s, a one-off trial version. The big weapon drove bolts into targets much further than any of the pre-crash crossbows they�
��d tried, or even the recent Geek versions. “You seem to have a lot of detail about the marts and guards? Just how friendly are you?” Harold’s paranoia suddenly wondered if that might be why the mart guard didn’t care about the scroat with a crossbow.
“Not friendly at all. The two young ladies who sell their favours to mart guards are very good friends of mine. They bring me every bit of information the idiots let slip.” Caddi smirked. “They bring most of their earnings as well, but it’s the information that’s sometimes worth more. I’ve even got some news for you. I reckon you’d have lost your man anyway because the marts have been told to arrest any gardener for shoplifting, even if they aren’t doing any.”
“Cripes.”
“At the very least. They’re also after ladies of easy virtue, but my pair are safe because the guards don’t want them taken.” Caddi frowned. “I’m not sure why they’re taking the crazies as well, but I’ve pushed a few that way because they’re just a waste of space. Maybe they just get a bullet and turn into fertiliser.”
“We could do with fertiliser, but not badly enough to put you and your escort under our veggies.” Harold smiled at Caddi’s sharp look. “Have you got any real fertiliser?”
“No, and there’s none in the mart.” The gang boss raised his beer bottle. “At least they keep the hops and barley coming, and their crap beer. Though some of my lot reckon it’s a toss-up if ours or the mart beer is worse. The coffee is really rough now.” Caddi smirked. “So I’m told. Luckily I have pre-crash stocks.”
“The tea is rough as well, but drinkable.” Harold raised his bottle. “Luckily, we have good beer.”
“Smartarse. Yes I’ll want a couple of crates and I’ve even brought bottles.”
“Be careful they don’t get broken on the way back, if someone takes a shot at you?”
“Cooper told you we’d look and we did. There was no sign of who it was or where they went. Maybe one of the others wanted me to get the blame?” Caddi shrugged. “You could stop over if it gets dark again?”
“So you could film me in my underwear?”
Caddi grinned and didn’t quite look at Patty. “Not you. We keep hoping you’ll bring a bodyguard.” Patty ignored him, as did Harold as he settled down to persuade Caddi the additional charges for guns and two repaired radios were worth it. After Caddi left he passed on the news that he hadn’t been able to trade for fertiliser which set Emmy worrying, though learning that laughing boy had died cheered her up.
