“Yeah.”
“How many times have you thrown up?”
“What? How do you know if I’ve thrown up at all?”
“I work with a lot of brides,” she said. “I have good instincts. How many times?”
I glanced down. “A few.”
“Have you taken a test yet?”
“I can’t be pregnant,” I said, lowering my voice. “I have an IUD.”
“Well, nothing is foolproof,” she said. “How long have you had it?”
“About a year, I think.”
“Did you go back for a follow-up and get it checked?” she asked.
I stared at her. “Um…”
“You didn’t, did you?” she asked. “I’m telling you, I’ve had more than one puking bride get a positive pregnancy test after telling me she has an IUD. Turns out, she had it put in, but didn’t go back for her follow up. Usually it’s fine, but once in a while it’s not in correctly and…”
“Oh my god, Zoe.”
“It’s okay,” she said, her voice soothing. “Don’t panic. You’re probably not pregnant. But I think you should take a test to be sure. I have tons of them in my office.”
With shaky hands, I texted Leo to let him know Zoe and I were walking back to Salishan together. Thankfully, he didn’t insist on coming to walk us back. I wasn’t ready to see him yet. I’d probably blurt out that I was about to go take a pregnancy test, and I didn’t want to freak him out. Especially because it was probably just stress. With everything else Leo had going on, the last thing he needed was a false pregnancy scare, even a short-lived one.
It felt like everyone was staring at me when we walked into the Big House. They weren’t, of course. But it was hard not to imagine that they were watching. Like everyone—from the staff to the guests—knew.
Zoe led me into her office and pulled out a box of pregnancy tests.
“How many of those do you have?” I asked as she handed me a stick wrapped in plastic packaging.
“I always keep them on hand,” she said. “You never know when a bride is going to need one.”
There was a bathroom down the hall. I scurried in, although no one else was upstairs. Trembling with nervousness, I checked the directions, unwrapped the stick, and took the test.
My heart raced as I waited the three minutes for the result. It’s going to say not pregnant, I told myself. And I’m going to feel silly for getting so worked up.
When the time was up, I grabbed the stick and almost threw up again.
Pregnant.
* * *
The next hour went by in a blur.
I showed Zoe the test and begged her for another. Maybe this one had been faulty. She’d indulged me with a knowing look in her eyes, and hadn’t been the least bit surprised when the second one came back the same.
She insisted I go to the doctor immediately. Not just to confirm the pregnancy, but to check on the status of my IUD.
The wait at the local urgent care clinic was blessedly short. I took another pregnancy test, and the doctor came back with the same result. I was definitely pregnant.
She checked for my IUD, and sure enough, at some point it had fallen out. I hadn’t even realized. She’d been kind and compassionate, and sent me home with a brochure on pregnancy and the names of a few local obstetricians.
Zoe drove me back to Salishan. I sat in her car, feeling shell-shocked. I was pregnant? How was I going to tell Leo?
“You’ll be okay,” she said, patting my leg. “Just be honest. He’ll be surprised, but so are you. I’m sure you guys are going to be fine.”
“Thanks, Zoe.”
“Of course.”
With my heart in my throat, I went inside.
“Hey,” Leo said, spinning around in his chair. He was dressed in his usual long-sleeved shirt and jeans, but today he had his hair pulled back. I loved it when he did that.
“Hi.”
“How was coffee?”
“Good.”
His brow furrowed. “Is everything okay?”
No, Leo. Everything is most definitely not okay. “I kind of need to talk to you about something.”
“Sure.”
I sank down onto the couch. How was he going to react? We hadn’t been together very long. And he’d trusted me to be on birth control.
“Hannah,” he said, his voice concerned. “What’s wrong?”
I met his eyes. “I’m pregnant.”
He stared at me for a long moment, hardly moving, his eyes unblinking. “You’re… what?”
“Do I have to say it again? I’m pregnant.”
I needed him to do something—anything other than staring at me wordlessly. But he just sat there.
Finally, he stood and ran a hand over his beard. He had the deep groove between his eyebrows he got when he was stressed. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Well… I know it’s a surprise—”
“Yeah,” he said, his voice sharp. “It’s definitely that.”
“It’s not like I did this on purpose.”
“You told me you were on birth control.”
“I know. I was. Or I thought I was. My IUD came out and I didn’t know.”
“Holy shit.” He wandered into the kitchen, then came back. “How does that happen? How does this just happen?”
“I don’t know. I’m freaking out, too. Why are you acting like it’s all my fault? You were there too.”
“That’s not what I mean.”
“Well, what do you mean? Because you’re really confusing me right now.”
“This isn’t good. I can’t…” He trailed off, scrubbing his hands up and down his face. “Jesus.”
“I know it’s unexpected and it’s certainly not what either of us would have planned, but is it that bad?”
“Yes, it’s that bad,” he snapped.
I gaped at him, so shocked I had no idea what to say. My lungs felt compressed, like I couldn’t get enough air, and a sick feeling spread through my stomach.
Touching my fingers to my lips, I took a shaky breath and stood. “All right. If that’s how you feel about it.”
I went back to the bedroom and pulled out my bag. I had no idea where I was going. I just knew I couldn’t stay here. Not tonight.
“What are you doing?” His voice had a hint of hysteria to it.
“Packing. I think we need some space tonight.”
I heard him take a deep breath. “Yeah, maybe we do.”
Tears stung my eyes as his footsteps retreated behind me. The door opened and closed. And he was gone.
My lower lip trembled, but I bit it hard to keep from crying. I was going to hold myself together. My stomach threatened to upend itself again, but I took slow breaths through my nose to stay calm while I packed.
Was I overreacting? Did I really need to leave?
I stopped packing and waited a while to see if he’d come back. Maybe we could talk this out. He’d been understandably surprised by my news. He hadn’t exactly taken it well, but maybe he just needed a little time.
So I waited. And waited. And waited some more.
I texted him to see if he wanted to talk. No reply.
The longer I waited, the more upset I got. Where the hell was he? I’d told him I was having his baby, and his reaction was to run away?
Well, fuck this.
I called Zoe.
“Hey,” she said. “Is everything okay?”
“No. No, everything is very much not okay.”
“Oh god. What happened?”
“I don’t even want to talk about it,” I said. “Can I come crash at your place tonight?”
“Yeah, of course. We’re here. Come on over.”
“Thanks.”
I went back to packing, furiously this time. What had I been thinking, staying here? This wasn’t my home. It was Leo’s house and I’d basically fallen into living with him. Everything about this had been too fast. Too rushed. We’d been friends for a long time, but what he�
�d done today made me feel like I didn’t know him nearly as well as I’d thought.
With a bag of clothes and my essential toiletries, plus my laptop and purse, I headed to my car. I tossed my stuff in the back and slammed the door shut.
“Careful there,” a voice said behind me. “You all right?”
I turned to find Ben standing nearby. He was dressed in a thick coat, jeans, and work boots. A knit hat was pulled down over his head.
“Honestly? No. Not really.” I brushed my hair out of my face. “What are you doing out here? It’s freezing.”
“Making the rounds.”
I nodded. Of course he was. Everyone was on high alert lately.
“Going somewhere?” he asked.
My breath misted out in a cloud. “Yeah. Zoe’s.”
His eyes were so kind. I knew he could tell something was wrong, but thankfully he didn’t ask. He just nodded. “All right. Have a good night.”
“Thanks. You too.”
Zoe hugged me when I got to her house. She didn’t press for details. Just got me set up in their guest room. I wasn’t in any mood to talk, so I thanked her and Roland again for letting me stay and put myself to bed. I was exhausted and heartsick, and I just needed this day to be over.
Thirty
Leo
It was fucking cold out here, but I didn’t care.
Walking away from Hannah had been a stupid thing to do. I knew it. But she’d seen me in the middle of a brutal panic attack just the other day. I didn’t want her to see me lose my shit again—especially not because of her. And I’d been right on the brink of losing control.
I sat in front of the cold fire pit, the remnants of our last bonfire a charred heap in the center. The sun had gone down, and the temperature was dropping, the cold biting against my skin.
I wanted it to hurt. I wanted to sit out here until I shivered so hard I couldn’t stop. Until my skin turned blue and my fingers and toes went numb.
It was better than burning, at least.
Hannah was pregnant. Her news had knocked the wind out of me, crushed the breath from my lungs. I’d accepted a long time ago that I wasn’t going to be a father. Pre-Army, I hadn’t given that much thought. I’d been too young to worry about whether I’d get married and have a family. But now? I couldn’t be a father. It was something I didn’t even question.
She was going to have my baby?
I closed my eyes, leaning my head back. Fuck.
Memories flashed through my mind. Children looking at me in horror. Their eyes welling with tears of fear. Pointing. Hiding behind their parents’ legs. Crying.
I could live with that when it was a stranger. I’d even prepared myself for the day when my nephew was old enough to be afraid of me. I could handle it.
My own child? That, I couldn’t face.
I touched the ruined side of my mouth. There wasn’t enough flesh left to keep my lips closed. Even with my beard, it showed. The skin was thick and rippled as it went down my neck. I’d regained use of my arm and hand, but it would never be as strong as it had been before. I didn’t even have a fucking ear on my left side.
I deserved it. Deserved it all. But Hannah and the baby she carried? They didn’t deserve any of this. They both deserved a man who was whole.
“There you are.” Ben came over and pulled up a chair next to me. “That’s a shitty fire. Forget matches?”
I shook my head.
We sat in silence for a long moment.
“She went to Zoe’s,” he said.
“Good.” So she had left. At least Roland could watch out for her.
“Maybe you want to sit out here freezing your balls off, but I don’t,” he said. “You can be silent and brooding at my place with a beer.”
I glanced at him. He had a no-nonsense, don’t-argue-with-me expression on his face.
“Sure,” I said. “Thanks.”
Ben lived a short drive from Salishan, up the slope of the mountain. It was visible from certain parts of our property, but I’d never been here before.
Over the years, he’d remodeled an old log cabin. It smelled like cedar and pine with a hint of wood smoke. He’d furnished it comfortably, with a big couch in front of the wood-burning stove. The walls were bare timbers, the notches so precise not a bit of cold air could get through. Large windows in the front showed the sweeping view. Even in the dark, you could see most of Salishan from here. Vineyards, the main grounds and gardens. My mom’s house was visible, the glow of her windows little spots of light.
Ben stoked the fire in his wood stove, then went to the fridge and brought out two beers. “Have a seat.”
I took one and sank onto the brown leather couch. Ben sat in a worn recliner, crossing his ankle over his knee. We drank our beer in silence for a while. My toes slowly thawed, the heat from the fire sinking into my bones.
“Well?” Ben asked.
There wasn’t much point in being anything but honest. Not with Ben. “Hannah’s pregnant.”
He didn’t respond right away. Took a deep breath and another swig of beer. “She just told you today?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, son. If she’s at Zoe’s, and you’re here, I’d say that’s a problem.”
I stared at the bottle in my hand. “I know.”
“You can’t hide from this one, Leo,” he said.
“I’m not hiding.”
He raised an eyebrow.
I got up to pace. “I walked away because I was about to lose it. I thought I was getting better, but I had a fucking panic attack in the Big House a few days ago. I didn’t want her to see me like that again. Especially if the reason was her, you know? How would that make her feel?”
“You seem pretty calm now. Why didn’t you go home?”
“I don’t know.”
“You do know, you just don’t want to talk about it.”
“Yeah, well, this is complicated,” I said. “And I don’t know how to make her understand.”
“Regardless, you have a responsibility now.”
I leaned against the end of the thick wood mantle, my beer dangling from my fingers. “I know. I’m not going to abandon her.”
“No, I don’t think you would. You’re a better man than that.”
“I’ll always take care of her, no matter what.”
Ben let out a breath, but didn’t say more, although I had a feeling he wanted to. Maybe he could tell I already knew I’d screwed up today. That was obvious. I hoped he’d stay quiet. I appreciated the beer, and the warm fire, but I didn’t need a lecture right now.
After a few minutes of silence, Ben stood. “Do you want another drink? I don’t know about you, but after the week I’ve had, I could use something stronger.”
“Sure. Thanks, Ben.”
I would take care of Hannah, and the baby. That was the best I could do. I was too fucking broken. Too damaged. And damn it, they deserved better than that.
Better than me.
Thirty-One
Hannah
Apparently, morning sickness was just my life now. I slept in, but woke up to roiling nausea and a need to run to the bathroom. Afterward, I cleaned up and took a shower, but I still didn’t feel great.
Of course, that could also just be my life now.
When I came downstairs, Zoe gave me crystallized ginger and a tea blend she said had helped when she’d been pregnant with Hudson.
I curled up on the couch with my tea, hoping my stomach was done with its shenanigans for the day. It still felt raw and a little unstable, but the ginger seemed to be helping.
Roland and Zoe’s house was filled with reminders of my current state. They had baby stuff everywhere. Hudson’s car seat, a baby swing, a little round seat with a wide tray, a highchair in the kitchen. Brightly colored blocks, teething rings, blankets, bottles. They had newborn photos on the wall and a plaster mold of his tiny footprints.
It was all very cute, and very, very overwhelming.
My phone buz
zed with a text from Leo. God, finally.
Leo: Just making sure you’re safe.
Really? That was the first thing he texted me after yesterday? I rolled my eyes and replied.
Me: I’m at Zoe’s.
I held my phone for a while, waiting. He didn’t respond.
Zoe came in with Hudson and set him down on a blanket with a few baby toys. “Is Leo still being… very Leo?”
“He texted to ask if I’m safe, but that’s it.”
“Very Leo.” She sat on the other side of the couch.
“What am I going to do? I tell him I’m pregnant, and this is his response?”
“What did he say when you told him?” she asked.
“He was shocked, of course,” I said. “And that’s fine, I didn’t expect him to twirl me around with happiness. But he was so agitated. I asked him if it was that bad and he said yes, it was. So I said maybe we need a little space tonight, and he left.”
“Ouch,” Zoe said. “Yeah, he could have handled that better.”
“I know this is so out of the blue. It’s freaking me out, too. I didn’t know if I’d ever have kids. Maybe. Like, years from now.”
She gave me a sympathetic smile and scooted down on the floor to dangle a toy above Hudson. He grabbed at it, kicking his feet with excitement.
My phone buzzed again. I checked, hoping it was Leo. But it wasn’t. It was Cooper.
Cooper: Hey sister-girl! Where’s Leo?
Me: I don’t know.
Cooper: Really? Neither of you are home.
Cooper: I came over to work out.
Me: I’m at Zoe’s.
Cooper: Then where’s Leo?
Me: I told you, I don’t know.
Cooper: What’s wrong?
Cooper: Is something wrong?
Cooper: I’m getting the sense that something’s wrong.
Cooper: Do you need me to come over?
Cooper: I can probably help.
Me: No, that’s okay.
Cooper: Are you sure?
Me: Yeah. I’m fine.
Cooper: Oh shit. That bad? What did he do?
Cooper: If you don’t want to tell me, it’s cool.
Hidden Miles: The Miles Family Book 4 Page 22
