God’s teeth, but he did not want to move from this piece of heaven-on-earth, not yet, not for some time.
He should do the honorable thing and remove his hand at once and quit the tent. He should not be taking such wicked enjoyment from a sleeping and unaware woman. His mind should not now be filling with thoughts of bare skin against bare skin and soft, supple lips pressing against his. And most assuredly he should not be thinking about what it would feel like if he were to roll her over on her back right now and make slow, sweet, passionate love to her.
For the first time in a very long time, Rowan decided against doing the honorable thing. Nay, he chose the wretched, rapscallion path that only a rakehell would take -- he held her tighter.
Much to his delight and pleasure, Arline sighed contentedly and snuggled in even closer. She rubbed her cheek against his arm much like a cat does when its demanding to be petted.
They lay there side by side for a long while. Arline lost to whatever peaceful dreams she might be having and Rowan lost to the wretched and despicable images flashing in his mind, shamelessly and with abandon.
He should leave, find a loch to jump into, find a kirk, throw himself at the altar before God and beg for forgiveness. And unequivocally, he should not lift his head and kiss the side of her neck as he was now doing. God help him, he was a bastard.
“Nay,” Arline grumbled a sleepy protest and pulled the fur around her shoulder. It was far too warm under the furs. And it felt far too good curled up next to Rowan. She liked the way his arm felt, so protective and warm, draped over her waist with his hand tucked under her belly. And the way his lips felt as they left a trail of kisses on her neck. “Let me sleep, just a while longer,” she mumbled, still half asleep.
Kisses. On. Her. Neck. Lord above, he was kissing her neck! She went stiff as a tree trunk, her eyes flew open, wide with wonder and amazement. Och! The kisses felt too good to be real! Mayhap, she thought, she was still asleep and this was but a dream, a wonderful, glorious dream.
She slammed her eyes shut for she positively did not want the dream to end. And if the kisses were real? She did not know what she would do. Probably die from the embarrassment of having enjoyed them far too thoroughly for a refined and dignified lady. The kisses stopped, far too abruptly for the harlot and wanton woman who seemed to have taken up residence inside her body. Ever so slowly, she opened her eyes again.
Nay, ’twas not a dream. Rowan was lying next to her, his arm was in fact wrapped rather divinely around her waist, his fingers tucked in under her side. Aye, the wanton was alive and well and no matter how hard she wished she would go away, the wanton refused.
Battered, beaten, bruised, and yet she somehow managed to find the ability to lose herself in lustful, sinful thoughts. She had not protested the kisses, hadn’t pushed him away haughtily, like a true and dignified lady would do. Nay, she relished them, took great delight in the way his soft, warm lips felt against her neck, the way her skin turned to tingly gooseflesh.
I’m goin’ to burn in hell, I just ken it! she thought to herself. Och! How she wished Minnie were still alive and here to give her good council. Bah! To the devil with Minnie! she heard the wanton say.
Aye, I’m going to burn in hell.
As she lay there contemplating where her soul would eternally rest and how she could keep it from burning in hell, she could hear Rowan’s gentle snoring.
Suddenly she felt quite dejected and pathetic. He was sound asleep and had not realized what he had just done. Her stomach lurched at the next thought that entered her mind. He hadn’t kissed her, but some woman, some vivacious, curvy, buxom and beautiful woman of which he dreamt. Mayhap, he had even been dreaming of his wife.
This was her lot in life. None of her husbands had wanted her in the physical sense, and apparently neither did the man who slept right next to her, with an arm draped around her waist. For reasons she had never quite been able to understand, men simply did not want her, did not, could not, or would not desire her.
A miserable sigh passed through her lips. With a heart full of melancholy, she carefully lifted away the furs, then Rowan’s hand and quietly crawled away from him. She ran her fingers solemnly through her hair. She kept her back to him for she knew, if she took the chance to look at him, she would cry like a bairn. She’d done enough of that of late.
She shook the dried mud out of her boots, tugged them on and stood. She looked down at her torn dress and shook her head. Thankfully, her cloak would serve both as a means to keep warm and a way to cover her torn dress.
Without looking back, or down at the beautiful man slumbering on the floor, Arline quit the tent.
Ten
There was no doubt in Rowan Graham’s mind that he was a dishonorable reprobate as well as a coward. He had taken liberty with a sleeping and unaware woman, then, when she roused, he feigned sleep just to avoid her knowing he was a dishonorable reprobate and a coward.
He waited a good long while before he pretended to wake, even going so far as to stretch and groan loudly. Aye, he was a coward.
As he had lain in the empty tent he thought about Arline. He was growing more fond of her as the hours passed. She was a good woman even if she did have a way of saying whatever was on her mind. He found he liked her blunt and straightforward manner.
Lily was quite attached to her as well and if his gut was correct, Arline was attached to and fond of Lily. He couldn’t be completely certain just yet, but Arline seemed to genuinely care for his daughter, almost like a mother would.
It was, of course, too soon to tell. Mayhap theirs was a bond formed out of the need for survival while at Blackthorn keep. Mayhap Arline was this way with all children. He wondered how Arline would be with Lily if she were to see her every day, on a more permanent basis and in less stressful and traumatic conditions. Would she still caress Lily’s hair? Would she still worry and fuss over her? Would Arline still insist, even in the face of adversity, that Lily mind her manners?
There was only one way to find out and that was to ask Arline to stay with them, live with him and Lily and his clan. How would Arline respond to such an offer? Again, there was only one way to find out. He would have to ask.
Shoring up his courage, he finally left the tent. His men were busy breaking down their camp. Arline and Lily sat on a log near the fire. Arline was running her fingers through Lily’s hair, apologizing for the fact that she did not have a proper comb.
“I like how ye comb me hair, Lady Arline. You do no’ hurt and pull it like da does,” Lily informed her. As Arline combed Lily’s hair, Lily pretended to comb her doll’s non-existent hair with a twig.
A radiant smile formed on Arline’s lips. “I’m sure yer da does the best that he can, sweeting. Ye should be grateful that ye have a da who at least tries.”
Lily thought hard for a moment. “Did yer da comb yer hair?” she asked innocently.
Arline’s smile quickly faded. Her father was a subject which she did not enjoy discussing. “Nay, lass, he did no’.”
“Did yer mum comb yer hair?”
Arline smiled woefully. “Aye, when I was little she did.”’
“Do ye miss her?”
Arline nodded. “Aye, I miss her verra much.”
Lily began to look sad and lost. “I didna get to ken me mum, but I still miss her. Me da says she was pretty, like me, and verra smart. He loved her verra much.”
Arline’s shoulder sagged slightly. Aye, ’twasn’t me he kissed this morn. ’Twas his wife. She did not hold his actions against him. If he loved Lily’s mum as much as Lily believed he did, then he probably missed her terribly.
Arline fished a handkerchief from the pocket of her cloak and began to gently wipe Lily’s face. “I ken,” she said softly. “Ye’ve told me that before. Ye are verra blessed to have a mum and da who love ye so much. And ’tis all right to miss yer mum, even if ye never knew her.”
Lily was quiet for a time before she asked her next question. “Lady Arline, am
I bad because I wish I had a new mum?”
Arline tilted her head slightly and looked into Lily’s bright blue eyes. The child looked sad, regretful, almost guilty. “Nay, sweeting, that isn’t bad. Do no’ feel yer doin’ somethin’ wrong by wantin’ a mum.”
Rowan’s heart began to shatter as he listened to his daughter talk about wanting a mother. It made him feel guilty. He had spent so much time mourning Kate’s death that he forgot to live. Aye, he woke each day, went about his daily routine and business, but he wasn’t truly living his life. He was merely existing.
At every possibly opportunity, he had told his daughter how wonderful and beautiful and smart her mother had been. He had been so focused on not forgetting Kate that he could not see what was in front of him. By sharing all his memories with Lily, he was constantly reminding her of what she did not have. Had he been paying attention, he would have realized sooner that his little girl was hurting. She wanted a mum but because of his constant reminders, she felt guilty.
He could have dropped to his knees then, and thanked the good Lord for putting Arline in their lives, especially Lily’s. Arline had lost her mother at a young age and could very well understand how Lily felt.
He would pretend he had not heard their conversation. Painting a smile on his face, he walked to them and cheerfully greeted them good morn. Lily smiled as Rowan lifted her into his arms.
“Da! We saved ye some bread and an apple!” Lily said as she hugged him tightly around his neck.
“Ye did? Well, thank ye kindly, lass,” he said as he kissed her cheek.
“Aye,” Lily nodded. “Ye must have been tired. Ye slept a verra long time.”
’Twasn’t necessarily incorrect. He had gotten more sleep last night than he had in weeks. “I was verra tired,” he told her, wanting very much to change the subject.
“Are ye ready to go home this day, Lily?” he asked, bouncing her up and down in his arm.
“Aye! And I do no’ want to leave it fer a long, long time.”
He could not say that be blamed her or disagreed. He’d like to return home, take a nice hot bath, and climb into bed for at least a sennight. Duties, however, would bar such a luxurious holiday.
“I agree,” he said as he set her on her feet before summoning the courage to at last speak to Arline. There were a hundred questions he wanted to ask but fear and good manners prohibited asking them. “Are ye ready as well, me lady?”
Arline dusted her skirts and stood. Rowan thought he detected a blush rising in her cheeks. “Are ye well, me lady?”
“Aye, I am,” she told him. After embarrassing herself inside the tent earlier, she had no desire for small talk. “Who shall I ride with this morn?”
Lily answered before Rowan had a chance. “Ye can ride with me and da,” she said cheerfully.
Another blush rose to her cheeks. That was the last thing she needed to do. “I’m sure that is too many riders fer yer da’s horse, Lily.”
Rowan wanted the opportunity to speak with Arline before they arrived as his keep. “Lily,” he said as he lowered to one knee. “I need ye to ride with Thomas fer a time.” He spoke is a low, soft voice. “Just fer a little while. I want to speak with Lady Arline.”
Lily’s lip jutted out and she looked genuinely worried. “But I feel better when I be with ye both.”
It would take much time, encouragement, and reassurance before Lily felt unafraid. Silently, he cursed Garrick Blackthorn and the men who had taken her, terrified and hurt her. They had taken away his daughter’s sense of security.
“Rowan,” Arline said as she came to stand beside them. “I can ride with Frederick. Lily needs her father now.”
“But I want ye both,” Lily repeated before thrusting her thumb into her mouth.
Lily was genuinely worried and frightened, both Rowan and Arline could see that. She was far too young and it was far too soon to expect her to just push aside her fears and move on.
“Lady Arline,” Rowan said as he stood. “I do believe me horse can handle the three of us. That is, if ye do no’ mind holding Lily on yer lap while we ride.”
It was difficult enough to deny Lily much of anything, considering the circumstances. It was also ridiculously difficult to tell Rowan no, especially when he looked at her with those big brown eyes. Mayhap with Lily riding with them, Rowan would be less inclined to be as devious and mischievous as he was when they made their way down the side of the cliff.
“Fine,” she finally answered. “We shall ride together.” She shot Rowan a stern look that warned him that he should be on his best behavior.
Alternating their speeds between a full out, terrifying run and trotting, they would make Áit na Síochána in a few hours. Arline could not wait to be off the horse. When she reflected on the number of times she had actually ridden a horse over the past eight years, most had had been less than pleasant experiences. Seldom was she able to simply enjoy a nice, leisurely pace.
They stopped once to stretch legs and empty bladders. While they allowed the horses to rest, Frederick and Daniel chased Lily around a large boulder, much to the little girl’s delight. It was not easy for a child like Lily, so full of energy and spunk, to sit for hours on a horse. The exercise would do them all some good.
Rowan wanted a few moments alone with Arline, to discuss the possibility of her staying amongst his clan. She was standing in the tall grass rubbing the back of her neck. He watched as she tried to stretch the kinks out, the movement causing her to wince. He still worried over her injuries and hoped the breakneck speeds they had been taking hadn’t made them worse.
“Me lady,” he said as he walked toward her. “Mayhap a walk will help stretch yer muscles? That is, if yer ribs and bruises are up to it.”
Arline took only a moment to contemplate his suggestion. Mayhap taking a walk would help. It certainly could not hurt any more than the bone jarring ride atop the horse.
“I think that be a verra good idea,” she said.
Rowan gave a slight bow and offered her his arm. She cringed inwardly at the thrill that raced up and down her spine as she placed her hand on his arm. The wanton was back. She wondered if by chance a priest resided at Rowan’s keep. She imagined it would take a priest to exorcise the wanton from her system.
They walked in amiable silence not wandering too far from the men and Lily. The breeze tickled the tall grass, the trees and Arline’s hair. The sun shone brightly against a beautiful cloudless blue sky. The sound of Lily’s happy laughter and the twittering birds blended together. Though it was a perfectly beautiful day, much tension still lingered in the air. Arline supposed it would not wane until they were safely ensconced behind the walls of the Graham keep.
After some time, Rowan finally rallied the courage to bring up the subject of her future. “Lady Arline,” he began. “Have ye given any thought to what ye might do, now that ye no longer be married to Garrick?”
Had she given it any thought? An amused smile came to her lips. That was all she had thought of for the past year. “Me sisters are in Inverness. I would verra much like to go there, to live with them.” Until a sennight ago, just thinking about Inverness would bring an excited flutter to her stomach, she would even dance gaily about her room with uninhibited excitement. But now, when she said it aloud, it did not make her giddy or breathless with anticipation. Something had changed in her these past weeks.
Lily. She would miss the little girl terribly, but, going to Inverness was the only plan she had.
“I see,” Rowan said, looking at the tree line that lay ahead. “And is it verra important to ye, to go to Inverness?
Until Lily had come into her life, going to Inverness had been the only thing that kept her from losing her mind. Still, what other option did she have? She certainly would not return to Ireland, that was out of the question.
“Me sisters are there, ye ken,” she told him. “I miss them verra much. I have no’ seen them in over a year.” She hadn’t seen them since the night she
snuck out of her father’s home and into the village where Morralyn and Geraldine lived.
“Lily mentioned them,” Rowan said. He did not divulge the extent of the conversation.
Her father had known for years that Arline had been sending the two young women money each month. He had been well aware of how much Arline loved them. Orthanach had threatened to send her sisters far away with the promise she’d never lay eyes on them again if she continued to refuse to marry Garrick.
Knowing her father as she did, she knew he was not bluffing. So she had written to her former step-son, Phillip Lindsay, and begged him for help. Phillip had responded quickly and generously by sending ten of his best men to take Morralyn and Geraldine to Inverness. Phillip had friends there and made arrangements for Morralyn and Geraldine to stay as long as needed. Arline knew she would never be able to repay Phillip. She would be forever in his debt.
“Lady Arline, I ken how much ye surely love yer sisters,” Rowan stopped and turned to look at her. “But I have a proposition fer ye, that I’d like ye to consider.”
Arline tilted her head with curiosity and more excitement than was proper. She told herself he said proposition and not proposal. They were two entirely different things.
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I owe ye a debt that I can never begin to repay.”
“Och!” she said with a wave of her hand. “Do no’ worry overmuch, me laird.”
“Nay, ’tis important that ye ken how grateful I am to ye, Arline. Ye risked much in takin’ care of Lily.”
“’Twas the right thing to do, me laird,” she told him. Truthfully, she had enjoyed taking care of Lily. For the first time in a very long time, Arline finally felt like her life had a purpose, albeit a temporary one. Lily was a precious child, one she had grown quite fond of. The thought of leaving her left an emptiness in her heart that she not thought possible.
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