Realizing he had made a terrible error in assessing the harm done to both Lily and Arline, tears stung his eyes. How could he have been so ignorant? So unaware?
“Tell me, sweeting, what was yer bad dream?”
Lily hiccuped as she removed her thumb from her mouth. “The bad men came and took Lady Arline and me. They took us back to their keep. The mean man spanked me again, with the strap and he spanked Lady Arline too.”
Rowan knew, from what Caelen had told him that first day, that Garrick Blackthorn had taken a strap to Lily, so there was some truth to her dream. She was forced to relieve those awful moments and he felt there was naught he could do except hold her.
“I’ll no let the bad men get ye again, Lily. I promise.” He’d die before he would ever allow Garrick Blackthorn, or anyone else for that matter, bring any harm to his daughter.
“Ye won’t let him take Lady Arline either?” Lily asked as she slipped her thumb back into her little mouth.
“Nay,” Rowan whispered softly. “I’ll no’ let any harm come to Lady Arline. I do so promise.”
Lily sighed and gave a little nod of her head as if to say she believed him. Slipped her free hand up his neck and grabbed a length of his brown hair and began twisting it around her finger.
He returned to the chair by the fireplace and sat in the quiet of the night, his insides roiling with anger and guilt.
“Lily,” he spoke in a low, soft voice. “Do ye think, on the morrow, we could spend some time together? Just the two of us?”
“What about Lady Arline?” she asked sleepily. “She gets lonely and afraid too.”
Rowan tilted his head a bit so that he could get a better look at his daughter. “She does?”
Lily nodded her head. “That is why she sleeps with me everra night. She has bad dreams sometimes too. She is afraid the bad man will come fer her too.”
Knowing Garrick Blackthorn haunted the dreams of his daughter and the woman he had fallen in love with made him furious. It felt like a snake had coiled around his heart and stomach and each time Blackthorn’s name was mentioned, the snake drew tighter.
“Da,” Lily said as she twirled his hair around her finger. “Please don’t make Lady Arline leave. I love her.”
Her request puzzled him. “Why would I make Lady Arline leave?”
“If her da finds out that she be here, he’ll make her go back to Ireland. She doesna ever want to leave us. But she does miss her sisters.”
Rowan took a deep breath and thought long and hard before answering his daughter. “I promise I’ll no’ let anyone take Lady Arline,” he said as he kissed the top of Lily’s head.
I’ll kill any man who tries to take her away from us.
Rowan had waited until Lily had fallen back to sleep before he placed her in his bed and tucked her in under his furs. Knowing he’d not be able to sleep until he saw that Arline was well, he lit a candle and left his room to seek out hers.
Her room was not far from his, just around the corner and down a few doors. Since their return from Blackthorn keep, Rowan had set guards to patrol the floors throughout the night. He met one of them now as he padded down the hallway.
“Domnal,” Rowan spoke quietly. “I take it all is well?”
Domnal gave him a curious look. “Aye, all is well, Rowan,” the young man answered as he cast a look over his shoulder in the direction of Lady Arline’s room.
Rowan chuckled, realizing the young man assumed Rowan was lurking in the halls in the middle of the night, presumably to meet with Lady Arline for a tryst.
“’Tis no’ what ye think, Domnal. Lily had a bad dream and asked that I check on Lady Arline to make certain she is well.”
Domnal smiled and nodded his head as if clarity had dawned. “She usually sleeps in Lily’s room, Rowan. But this night, she kept to her own.”
Was everyone in this castle aware of where Arline slept each night but him? The thought aggravated his already guilty conscience.
“I’ve no’ heard a thing from her room, this night, Rowan,” Domnal offered. “Is Lily well?”
Rowan ran a hand across his face. “Aye, fer now she is. But I promised I would check on Lady Arline fer her. She’ll no’ sleep until she kens she is well.”
He knew it was a bald-faced lie, but Domnal didn’t need to know the particulars. “And if Lily doesna sleep, then I’ll get none either.”
“Go see fer yerself,” Domnal said before leaving his chief to continue his patrol.
Rowan padded softly and stood outside Arline’s door for several moments. He could hear his heart beating rapidly as he took a deep breath and slowly opened the door.
The light of the candle cast a sliver of yellow light into her room. There was Arline, fast asleep in her bed. Wavy auburn locks were tucked behind one ear and fell wildly over one pillow. She held another pillow against her chest and resembled a child holding onto a favorite doll whilst she slept.
He stood in the doorway and watched the gentle rise and fall of her shoulders as she slept. Her face showed no sign of worry or distressful sleep, in fact, she looked quite content. He breathed a sigh of relief and sent a silent prayer upward that she would be able to sleep the remainder of the night in peace.
For a moment, he was tempted to go to her, climb into her bed and whisper the same promise to her as he made to Lily. He’d not let anything bad ever happen to her. Even if he could not marry her, he would always protect her.
Gently he closed the door and went back to his daughter before he made a complete fool of himself.
Twenty-Two
Lily woke Rowan not long after sunrise. He helped her with her morning ablutions before tending to his own. He helped her into a little blue dress, did his best to comb out the tangled locks without making her scream in protest, and felt more like his old self than he had in weeks.
He realized as he slipped on his black trews and a white tunic that he really did not care to resemble his old self ever again. His old self was a lonely man who spoiled his daughter far too much out of love and the never ending guilt he possessed over the fact that her mum had died.
Lily had no fond memories or recollections of her mother. There was nothing for Lily to hold on to, nothing that kept her from moving forward with her life. She had no past to do battle with. There had been times when he wished that he could live in the same state of blissful oblivion, where memories did not haunt him by day or by night.
This morn however, he was not overwhelmed with guilt for moving forward with his life. Instead, guilt plagued him for far different reasons.
At sometime in the dark of the night, as he had lain in his bed listening to the sweet sound of his daughter slumbering peacefully beside him, he had made a decision.
He could not ask for Lady Arline’s hand.
There were a thousand reasons why he wanted to marry Arline. But only one that would keep him from doing that. Lily’s birthright.
Rowan did not have the courage nor did he feel he possessed the right to take Lily’s future away from her so that he might have one with Arline. Truthfully, he didn’t give a damn about his position as chief. He’d gladly relinquish it without regret. But he could not take away from Lily that which was rightfully hers.
Arline would have made such a wonderful mother to Lily. He wanted to give her that. But to give her a mother meant to give up her birthright, her future. Just as he could not remain chief and have Arline as his wife, Lily could not hold onto her birthright and have Arline has her mother.
The whole situation seemed inherently unfair. In a perfect world -- one that currently did not exist, at least not for him -- he could have Arline as his wife and life partner and Lily could have the mother she wanted and needed.
He would do whatever he could to see that Arline remained among his clan. For now, as Lily’s governess and mayhap, later, she could find a man who could marry her without reserve and help her have a wonderful life.
He did not enjoy the thought of Arline
making a life with another man. It made his heart ache to think of her with another man. Yet, he knew he could not keep from her that which she deserved. No matter which way he looked at it, someone would have to sacrifice for his happiness. He could not do that.
Rowan took Lily’s hand in his and led her from his room. Lily was hungry and looking forward to breaking her fast. Rowan found he had no appetite.
They had not walked far when Arline called out for them. She met the two of them in the hallway. She was shocked to see Rowan up at such an early hour and with his daughter. After quietly inquiring as to the wellness of the other, together they escorted Lily below stairs.
It felt right to Rowan, this simple act of himself and Arline taking his daughter to gather with his people for the morning meal. They were meant to do this, to be together, as a family. But at what cost?
Lily chattered on about Red John’s pups and begged Rowan to allow her to go to the stables today to check on them. It mattered not to Lily that Red John had reassured her that the pups were fine, she insisted on seeing them for herself.
They made their way to the gathering room and took their seats at the high table. Rowan took note that Arline was unusually quiet and, like him, ate very little.
“I’m ready to play in the snow,” Lily informed them both as she took the last bite of her eggs.
Arline smiled down at the excited child and patted the top of her head. “Why don’t ye go and find yer friends, Lily? I’ll go above stairs and grab our cloaks and scarves.”
Lily scrambled happily from her seat in search of her friends. Arline stood to leave without saying a word to Rowan.
“Lady Arline, I’ll escort ye above stairs,” he offered.
Arline remained mute, gave a slight nod of acquiescence and took his offered arm.
“How is yer head this morn?” he asked as they made their way to the stairs.
She very nearly slipped and asked what head ache when she remembered that had been her excuse to remain hidden in her rooms. “It lingers,” she lied, just in case she might need to use that excuse again.
A look of genuine concern came to Rowan’s face. It made her feel all the more guilty for lying to him. But how could she tell him the truth? That every moment for her was both a delight and an agony? That his image was pervasive, always there, in her dreams, in her waking moments?
Nay, she could not tell him those things knowing full well that she vexed him to the point of frustration. She had seen it in his eyes the previous morn and he had even admitted to the same.
“I am certain the fresh air will help. Ye needn’t worry,” she said as they climbed the winding staircase to the second floor. She glanced at him from the corner of her eye.
“And ye, Rowan? How are yer wounds?”
Rowan shrugged his shoulders. He knew she spoke of the scrapes and scratches on his chest and not his wounded soul. “I’d hardly call them wounds. Just a few scratches.”
Not a word was said between them again as they walked side by side in the quiet hallways. Lost in their own thoughts, there were a thousand things their hearts wanted to say but neither of them possessed the courage to say them.
Rowan lifted the latch on the door to Arline’s room and pushed it open. He held it open as she glided through. To help stave off any temptation to either speak his heart or act on his feelings, he left the door open and waited patiently just inside the doorway.
Arline quietly slipped into the small dressing room. Once inside, she leaned against the wall and took slow steady breaths. It was becoming increasingly difficult to be anywhere near the man without her legs turning to mush, her mouth going dry, her palms sweating or having the urge to throw herself at him!
It was quite apparent that her body would not listen to reason. It ignored the fact that he was irritated with her. It ignored the fact that he had not shown one tiny drop of interest in her other than as his daughter’s governess.
Nay, her body continued to betray her heart and her good sense! What on earth was she to do? One of these days she would slip up and say something stupid, something along the lines of Please, take me! Kiss me! Hold me! She would die from the mortification, embarrassment and humiliation of it.
And if her tongue didn’t get her into trouble, her body would. Only moments ago, as they passed through the doorway, she had an overwhelming urge to push him onto her bed and tear his tunic off with her teeth. The only thing that saved her from doing just that was the image of him laughing at her immature attempts at seduction.
She was tempted to disregard donning woolens, boots, and cloak in favor of rolling around in the frozen snow in hopes of catching her death. Death seemed to be the only solution to the tormented thoughts and feelings she had toward Rowan.
As Arline mulled over the temptation of suicide by freezing to death, Lily came rushing into Arline’s bedchamber. Arline recognized the little girl’s squeals as nothing more than excitement. She let out a frustrated sigh before stepping out of the dressing room.
“Lady Arline! Lady Arline!” Lily exclaimed as she raced into Arline’s arms.
“Wheesht, Lily!” Arline said as she patted the excited child on the back. “Do we scream like that when we are in doors?”
Lily blew loose tendrils of hair out of her eyes. “Only if we be under attack or the keep is on fire,” Lily replied quickly.
Lily had paid no attention to her father until he chuckled at her quick response. “Ye need to leave, Da. I have womanly stuff to talk to Lady Arline about.”
Rowan had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from bursting out with laughter. Instead, he chose the most serious expression he could manage, crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the wall. “Womanly stuff, ye say?” He glanced at Arline and could see that she too was trying not to laugh at his excited little girl. Rowan resisted asking what kind of womanly things a four-year-old would need to discuss with her governess and why it should warrant secrecy.
Lily nodded her head and brushed the irritating curls from her forehead. “Aye. ’Tis about kissin’ and we dunna talk about kissin’ in front of men.”
Rowan watched Arline’s face burn with a blend of surprise and embarrassment. His fatherly instincts took control of his good senses. “Kissin’?” Why would his four-year-old daughter need to discuss such a topic?
Arline rolled her eyes and turned Lily around to look at her. “Lily, we do no’ discuss things like that with other men,” Arline tried to explain.
Lily looked confused. “Other men? What kind of men are there?” she asked innocently.
That particular question could have taken hours to answer, hours that Arline was not quite ready to spend. “Never mind. Ye can talk in front of yer da, child. Go ahead, what is it ye want to say?”
Lily hesitated a moment before she spoke. “I hit Robert,” she said solemnly. “He kissed me!”
Monumental efforts not to laugh out loud were made by both adults in the room. Lily waited quietly, not at all certain if she were going to be in trouble for hitting her friend.
Rowan cleared his throat as he came to kneel before his daughter. “Robert kissed ye?” he asked, feigning insult. “I should slay the impudent and brazen lad!”
Lily’s eyes grew wide with horror. “Nay, da! Ye canna do that!”
Rowan tilted his head, looking quite serious. “I canna slay the young man that stole a kiss from me daughter? Pray tell, why no’?”
“Because I like him!” Lily answered as if her father were mayhap one of the most daft individuals to ever grace the earth. She rolled her eyes and turned back to Arline. “I kent he wouldna understand.”
“If ye like him, then why’d ye hit him when he kissed ye?” Rowan asked, puzzled by his four-year-old daughter’s behavior.
Another eye roll nearly sent Rowan fleeing from the room to look for a quiet place in which to die from laughter. Knowing she’d never trust him again if he laughed at her, he willed his face to retain the frown he had painted there
. He was too old and his daughter far too young for conversations such as these.
Arline decided mayhap now was the time to explain. “Don’t ye see? She likes the young Robert.”
Now it made perfectly good sense. If one were a four-year-old girl. Or a full-grown female. As a man, he couldn’t wrap his head around the logic. His ignorance must have been plainly evidenced by the bewildered expression on his face, for Arline gave a roll of her own eyes. That explained where Lily had picked up the habit.
“She likes the lad, Rowan. Lily and I have discussed this recent realization on her part. She’s far too young fer kisses and Robert is an older lad, at six, ye ken. And she doesna want the lads to think they can steal kisses whenever they wish.”
That he understood completely. While Rowan taught his daughter how to protect herself and the keep from enemy invasions, Arline was teaching her how to protect herself from something far worse than invaders from the north, the Huns, or even the English. She was teaching Lily to protect herself from the opposite sex.
“That’s right,” Lily interjected. “They must ask ye first, fer permission and he has to understand that if I say no and he still tries to kiss me, I get to hit him.”
Were his daughter a few years older, this current conversation would be far less adorable. Arline could never leave him. He needed her to have these uncomfortable conversation with his daughter. His advice would have been far less eloquent and more a long the lines of warning Lily that he’d kill any lad that tried to steal even the most innocent of kisses. He would have to permanently erase from his mind the memories of being a young lad if he were to survive his daughter growing older.
Arline stood and gave a nod of approval to Lily. “Now run and get yer cloak and things and wait fer me below stairs. I’ll be along shortly.”
Lily smiled and left the room in a hurry, leaving her bewildered father and proud governess behind.
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