by Sarina Bowen
Unsure of what to say in response, she picked up the steaming cup of tea and took a sip. The flavor was unexpected, different from anything she’d ever tasted. “What is this?”
“Ginseng tea with honey.”
“I’ve never tried it.” She took another sip as she acclimated to the taste.
“It’s a tonic tea…good for the body and soul,” he replied quietly. “It’s holistic, natural, so don’t worry.”
“So you’re a health-conscious fighter?” she asked skeptically.
“Yeah, I guess I am,” he replied. After several minutes of awkward silence while she ate her oatmeal and sipped her tea he said, “I should have been giving you raspberry tea, not ice cream.”
Her eyes finally focused on his face. She saw pain and guilt so clearly it was like looking in a mirror. Releasing a sigh she placed the bowl and mug back on the nightstand. “It’s nothing you did or didn’t do, just like it’s nothing I did or didn’t do. Like you said, sometimes things just happen.”
“I know. I am just looking for a reason why that I’m never going to get, I guess. I really am sorry, Courtney,” he replied. He handed her the tea and her medicine then watched as she swallowed the pills and lay back.
He was bargaining—a stage of grief she recognized from working with her patients. The sag of his huge shoulders as he cleaned up her breakfast and quietly left her room, confirmed that he was grieving right along with her. It was unsettling to think anyone could understand how badly it hurt to lose the baby, especially a man, but somehow she sensed that the giant, non-aggressive fighter she heard downstairs in her kitchen understood.
Over the course of the next week, Ian was there, always willing to help. Somehow knowing he hurt right along with her made the whole thing worse. Where she wanted to forget about the experience and accept that maybe she wasn’t meant to be a mother, Ian wouldn’t let her forget. He asked her daily, sometimes twice a day, how she was feeling. Gone was the smiling and laughing Ian. In his place was a man whose emotions so closely mirrored her own that, even if she could forget how sad she felt, she only had to look at him to be reminded of it. It was sweet of him to help her, but now she needed to find a way to swallow down the emotional pain. The grief reflected in Ian’s eyes wasn’t assisting that process….
It was probably her grief mixed with a healthy dose of hormones, but his help wasn’t helping. By the end of the week she was ready to snap.
After he’d cleared away breakfast, done her dishes and mopped the kitchen floor he made his way to her office and knocked on the door to gain her attention.
“How are you feeling today?”
“I’m fine,” she replied in frustration. She needed space to deal with her emotions. Maybe he needed space, as well.
“I’m feeling much better and can take care of things from here on out, though I appreciate all you’ve done for me this past week,” she said a little more harshly than she should have.
His eyes changed color from the smoke that she liked to the ice that indicated he was uncomfortable or in this case…hurt. “Yeah, sure, okay,” he finally responded.
When he continued to look at her, she added, “You should go. I’m sure you have more important things you could be doing.”
“Being here for you is the only thing on my to-do list at the moment.”
“I’m fine. Really. I’ve got things I need to work on, and it’s hard to focus with you here.”
She cringed inside at the coldness she heard in her tone. Her harsh words had caused him even more pain—she almost took them back when she saw the look on his face. But then he turned away and left the room.
Within minutes he had cleared out of her house without another word. It was what she wanted…really it was. The wounded look on his face when he left kept her from calling him, though…even to apologize for being so rude. She’d hurt him badly. She deserved the backlash of regret she felt about what she’d said to him. He was such a compassionate man. He hadn’t deserved to take the brunt of her foul mood.
Physically she healed much faster than she expected. When her checkup with April went well, Courtney returned to work. April had suggested trying again for a baby if Courtney’s hormones remained steady for three months, but she had declined. It was hard to contemplate going through the process again. She even closed the door to the nursery so she no longer had to be reminded of her loss.
If only she could close the door on her thoughts of Ian. Courtney hadn’t heard from him since he left her house. She tried to convince herself it was for the best. Whenever she’d been around him, it felt as though she’d known him forever, but, in reality, that was not the case. They’d only been friends a short time.
Even so, her heart constricted with regret at the mere thought of him, at the memory of what she’d said to him. Some days she could swear she actually missed him.
He was so good with people—kind, compassionate and so easygoing that he put everyone at ease. Even her. Normally men picked up on her anxious vibe and ran the other way. Not Ian. He’d simply made jokes and pushed past any awkwardness, forcing her to accept him as her friend. In spending time with him, she’d become less jumpy around men in general.
Her thanks for his support had been to hurt him.
She tried not to think about that as her life returned to what it had been prior to being pregnant. In fact, by the time the one-month anniversary of her loss rolled around, the only reminder of the experience was that along with no longer being pregnant there was still no Ian. The ginseng tea and red-raspberry-leaf tea he had made for her were long gone; there was nothing left to indicate he’d been in her life at all.
Even being around Jess was hard. Inevitably, she would bring up Ian or, worse, the miscarriage. By the two-month anniversary of her loss, Courtney felt truly alone.
Once she went back to work and there were no more classes to attend together, no more late-night ice cream discussions about childbirth, there was nothing left between her and Ian. It wasn’t like they’d been dating. She didn’t date. And aside from his fascination with her pregnancy, they didn’t really know each other.
She just needed to keep reminding herself of that until she no longer thought of him at all.
* * *
One afternoon on the way to work, as Courtney crossed the street from the parking garage headed across campus, she noticed a man walking toward her. Something about his walk reminded her of Ian. When the man kept coming directly at her, making her extremely uneasy, she was forced to stop or collide with him.
Holding his hand out to her, the man said, “Ms. Wells. My name is Rusty Hawkins. You might remember me from Seth and Tori’s wedding. I’m also a friend of Sergeant Ian Hamilton. Do you have a minute?”
Fear hit her squarely in the stomach. The man, though familiar, was extremely intimidating, but there was honesty in his eyes that kept her from making a run for it. With her initial reservations about the man under control, her mind turned to what he had said. Had something happened to Ian? Why else would this man, Ian’s friend, hunt her down?
“Is he okay? Did something happen to Ian?” she asked anxiously.
“Nothing has happened to him, but is there somewhere we could go to talk?”
“Uh, I’m actually on my way to class.”
“I caught you at a bad time,” he said. “Listen, Jess Reynolds is stopping by my place later tonight. Could you come by around eight this evening? I would really appreciate it.”
If Jess was going to be there, Courtney wouldn’t be alone with the stern man standing before her. It would have to be less uncomfortable and awkward than this. She would be done teaching by seven-thirty. Plus she knew if she didn’t find out what was going on with Ian, she would never be able to sleep tonight.
“Sure. I suppose I can do that,” she finally responded.
Taking a business card out of his wallet, he handed it to her. The card advertised the Man Maid cleaning company. Now she recognized the man’s name. He was Ian�
��s boss. Rusty’s address and phone number were already written neatly on the back. He nodded at her and then turned and walked away without another word.
Her evening class seemed to take forever. Only as she headed from campus to her car did she realize she was walking faster than normal. Curiosity, mixed with a shot of worry and a pinch of excitement, were a potent concoction after weeks of nothing more than misery and heartbreak.
As a professional she recognized her feelings for what they were. Somehow in the few short weeks she’d spent with Ian she’d grown to really like him—and not just as a friend. The promise of hearing something about him, anything, was what had her nearly sprinting for her car.
Was that possible? Could she really be interested in Ian? In that way?
She didn’t have time to contemplate it further. She made it across town quickly and pulled up behind Jess’s car in the driveway of a small ranch-style home. A luxury sedan was parked alongside the curb. Courtney recognized the vehicle as Kayla Brown’s car, and she relaxed even more.
Courtney was greeted at the door by Rusty and Ronnie Brown’s dog, Sergeant Buck. Rusty ushered her inside and into the living room, which was separated into two functional spaces by a comfortable-looking couch. Jess and Kayla, along with Tori Lewis, were sitting at the dining table. Rusty offered Courtney the last available seat.
“All I know is that this has to stop, Jess. He shouldn’t be fighting right now. Whatever is going on with him needs to be resolved before he goes back in the ring,” Tori said.
“I don’t have much to offer by way of refreshments,” Rusty said to the group of women, interrupting Tori’s argument. “Beer, coffee or water is about it.”
“What’s in the cake box?” Jess asked, pointing to a box in the center of the table.
“Cupcakes, I think. Ian brought them home earlier,” Rusty replied.
Jess pulled the box closer. Without hesitation she opened the lid, peered inside and gasped in delight. Reaching into the box, she took out an oversize cupcake topped with a mountain of delicious-looking icing. She glanced around the table guiltily. “I’m sorry, I should have let you guys pick first, but red velvet is my favorite. There’s enough for us all to have one. I just really want this one.”
“Which one is Ian’s favorite?” Tori asked when Jess pushed the box toward her.
“Doesn’t matter. Until he starts hitting the gym again, he doesn’t need these anyhow,” Jess replied and then took a big bite of the cupcake with a contented sigh.
“He’s not working out anymore?” Courtney asked Jess as Rusty sat four coffee mugs on the table.
“I have to agree with Jess on that front,” Rusty interjected after going back to the kitchen and returning with a coffee pot. “He’s the one who got all of us guys working out and eating healthy. Now he’s the one ducking out. It’s starting to show, too.”
“So I’m doing him a favor,” Tori said before reaching into the box and selecting a cupcake.
“I probably shouldn’t, but…” Kayla eagerly looked into the box that Tori pushed over. Then she reached in and selected a cupcake of her own.
Rusty pulled the box over to Courtney. There was only one left. Looking up at Rusty, she said, “It’s the last one. You should take it if you are really so bent on not leaving one for Ian.”
“I promise, you are more deserving of this than I am,” Rusty replied, pulling out the last cupcake and handing it to her before heading to the kitchen with the now empty box. “What I’m bent on is Ian either being on the winning end of his next fight or getting out of the ring altogether,” he finished, throwing the box into a recycle bin and heading back over to the table.
“He lost a fight?” Courtney asked the group.
“Fights. He’s lost fights…plural,” Jess replied between bites of her cupcake. “And he has one tomorrow night that’s been booked for a while. He says he’s going….”
“The bad part is if you ask him what is going on with him, he suddenly has something important to do that can’t wait,” Tori said.
It was her fault. Courtney felt it in her soul. This was because of her. Why else would Rusty have invited her here? Had what she said that day really hurt him so badly? Was Ian still feeling the sting of her words the way she did? Maybe she should drum up the courage to call him and apologize.
But he might see an apology from her as a sign that she was interested in him. Even if she was, she couldn’t allow him to think that a relationship with her was an option. Her unresolved fears in regard to the opposite sex were something she was forced to live with, but that didn’t mean she should subject someone else to her unhealthy issues. Especially someone like Ian who deserved more than a hot mess like her. He deserved a woman who could love him for his gentle heart, which was bigger than all his muscles combined.
Feeling Jess’s hand cover hers, Courtney looked up to find the women staring at her expectantly. Knowing she’d been lost in her own thoughts, she said, “I’m sorry. What?”
Smiling Jess said, “I guess it’s obvious that he’s struggling over losing you as a friend as much as you’ve been struggling. We just keep hoping one of you will extend a peace offering. That’s what all this was about. We weren’t trying to upset you. And we’re not here to pry, but from where we sit we see two friends hurting. He’s losing fights because of it, and you’re unable to pay attention to anything. Even chocolate.”
Looking down at her hand, which still held the half-eaten cupcake, brought Courtney’s thoughts back to the small downtown restaurant where she had eaten Ian’s food for the first time. Unlike that occasion, though, every bite of the delicious treat was an assault on her senses. The sweetness reminded her that even though she wasn’t like other women and would never be able to handle a normal relationship with someone—man or woman—she did, in fact, miss her friend. She nearly choked on her emotions as she attempted to swallow the bite of cupcake with the help of the strongest coffee she’d ever tasted.
Soon enough, Kayla and Tori stood up to leave since they had ridden over together. They each hugged Rusty goodbye, and he thanked them for coming. Seeing their departure as an opportunity to leave before Ian showed up, she realized just how much she missed him.
“I have a class tomorrow that I need to prepare for so I should go, too,” she said, holding her hand out to Rusty to ensure he knew she was not about to hug him like Kayla and Tori had.
Rusty simply smiled at her, as though he recognized her attempt to keep him at bay, and shook her offered hand. Her trip back home was done on autopilot. She couldn’t tear her mind away from memories of Ian’s eyes, his perfect smile and teeth, his ability to make her feel at ease—even his talent for making her laugh. She did in fact miss the company and friendship of a man. But Ian wasn’t just any man. He was a contradiction if there ever was one.
After she made it home, she prepared for the next day’s class. Then she got ready for bed and lay down. For the first time in more than a month her mind didn’t immediately drift to what her child might have looked like, all the cute things she’d never gotten to witness as he grew up, or what the world might have lost in the person he would have become. Instead, her mind went to Ian. Why was he losing fights and ditching workouts with his army buddies?
Just as she was about to drift off to sleep her phone rang. She turned on the lamp next to her bed and answered.
“Seriously?” Ian’s voice filtered through the line.
“Excuse me?” she asked in response to his unexpected laughter.
“No, I will not excuse you. I mean all of them? Seriously?”
Confusion set in. “What are you talking about?”
“My damn cupcakes, woman!” He laughed again. “I didn’t even get one! The worst part is they were a special gift from a customer, so it’s not like I can get more. I mean seriously, Mrs. Wells?”
She could not keep the smile off her face at his teasing. It was so good to hear his voice after all this time. Her mouth opened to respond,
but all that escaped was a giggle. The unladylike snort that followed only made her laugh harder.
He soon joined her before choking out, “Were they good at least?”
“Phenomenal.” She giggled. “I’m sorry. I’ll buy you some.”
“No, you’re not sorry. And I don’t want one now,” he replied, trying to sound put out but failing due to his own laughter.
“Fine. Something else then?”
“Come to my fight tomorrow night. You can ride with Seth and Tori or Kayla and Ronnie,” he replied with one last chuckle. “Don’t even think of saying no. Those cupcakes were made special just for me! Besides, I haven’t seen you in forever.”
“It has been a long time.” She sighed wistfully and then laughed. “So fine…I’ll be there. And for the record, they were the best things I’ve ever tasted. Absolutely delicious.”
Upon hearing the silence indicating that he had disconnected, she laughed at his teasing hang-up. That’s what she got for rubbing in just how good those cupcakes had been. After putting the phone back, she snuggled down into her pillow. She was now wearing a smile that felt wonderful after weeks of nothing but tears. Only Ian managed to push through her reservations. She fell asleep quickly compared to most nights and awoke refreshed.
* * *
The next evening found her following Seth and Tori toward a curtained and roped-off area where fighters prepared for their matches. Her stomach was in knots about seeing Ian again after nearly two months of no contact at all. She had truly expected that he would never speak to her again, but his late-night phone call seemed to have erased the weeks of emptiness and distance between them…at least for her. They would eventually have to talk about what she had said to him. She needed to apologize and explain. But right now it just felt good to see him once more.
As they approached Ian, who sat in a metal chair, he turned and the sight of his face stopped her midstep. She had grown used to his smoke-filled or icy eyes, his ornery grin and perfect teeth, but she was unprepared for the battered face that looked at her. A dark bruise over one eye was accompanied by a matching bruise on the opposite cheek and a split lip. No wonder Rusty Hawkins had come asking her for help. He was right. Ian shouldn’t be fighting, especially not in the condition he was in at the moment.
