by Sarina Bowen
“No more than thinking a beautiful college professor would allow some strange man—a fighter, no less—to have an influence on her kid,” he replied quietly. She’d needed this as badly as he had. It felt so good to be here with her, holding her. If desires were granted to those who wanted something the most, then he wished to stay right here in this car…just like this. Forever.
“I think it is my fault. I waited too long to have a baby. I’m almost forty years old, and I should have realized ten years ago that I would never be able to have a normal relationship. I made all these excuses about why I wasn’t ready yet, and I just ended up waiting too long,” she said softly.
“No more blaming yourself. It was no one’s fault, remember?” he whispered against her hair. “I’ll consider taking a course at the college if you’ll consider trying for a baby one more time. I’d hate to see you give up on being a mother, and I think the little guy would hate that, too. I know it hasn’t been very long, but just think about it.”
“Thanks, Ian. I really did need to talk about this but I just wasn’t ready before. Even though it goes against everything I tell my patients and students is healthy behavior, I lashed out at you instead of telling you that I needed some space. I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, I’ve missed you, too. I was hurting…. I’m still hurting but that wasn’t justification for being so rude,” she choked out.
“That hurt worse than if you’d kicked me in the balls or straight-armed my throat, Courtney. However, I did miss you enough that I’ll let it slide this once. The cupcakes though…now that is asking for a whole lot of forgiveness that I may not be capable of…but I’m willing to try. We’ll just have to see how it goes.”
“I still owe you ice cream and you still owe me raspberry tea,” she said with a chuckle.
“You busy tomorrow evening?” he asked. When she shook her head no, he said, “How about we hit up the gift shop of the children’s hospital, and then go visit Zach and his roommate? If there’s time afterward, maybe we can see about mixing up some tea.”
She pulled away and smiled at him before getting out of the car and walking up the path to the front door. He watched until she was safely within her house, and then he backed the car out of the driveway and headed home. Rusty had been in a mood lately, so Ian was quiet getting into the house and off to bed. Sleep came easy for the first time since Courtney had pushed him away. His dreams were full of not just experiencing another pregnancy vicariously through Courtney, but also participating in creating the baby in the first place. A child of his own. A child with her…from loving her.
The following evening he picked her up and found it hard not to watch every move she made. Had he really missed her that much? Something was different between them after having talked the night before, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was. She looked refreshed as they browsed the hospital gift shop. When he finally settled on a blue train whistle made out of wood for Zach and then picked up another in green for Zach’s roommate, Courtney blessed him with a smile that he felt in places he hoped she didn’t notice.
Seeing Zach so physically uncomfortable made Ian wish he could have somehow been the one to undergo the surgery in the boy’s place. He talked Zach into allowing Ian to massage his feet. Mr. Yazzi had also studied reflexology and passed that knowledge on to Ian. Not wanting to interfere with what the doctors were doing for Zach by giving him any kind of supplements, Ian instead suggested Tori ask the doctor if it would be okay to bring Zach some oranges and strawberries since they were high in vitamin C and were likely something he would eat. The little guy was in much better spirits by the time they finally left, and Tori gave Ian a hug for his efforts.
After leaving the hospital, they stopped by Rusty’s to pick up the ingredients for the raspberry tea and then drove to Courtney’s house. He liked the fact that she trusted him enough to lead the way up the walk and into the house and didn’t look over her shoulder at him even once. When she’d stopped talking to him, he’d thought for sure that his chance had passed him by, but he was back in her good graces. It was a step in the right direction.
He set his duffel bag on her kitchen table and took out the medicine bag and a zip-top bag of dried red-raspberry leaves. She gently touched the corner of the bag and looked at him with questions in her eyes.
“It’s a medicine bag,” he answered her unasked question as he filled up her coffee maker with water.
“It looks real, like it came from a museum or something. Where did you get it?” she asked.
“Remember I told you that I didn’t always go to school. I lived in a rough area growing up—the projects, I guess you could say. My mom has…problems and wasn’t always around to make sure I went to school. I wasn’t real good at school, so it was hard to motivate myself to go. One day while I was wandering around the apartment complex playing hooky, I met Mr. Yazzi,” he said, smiling as fond memories flooded his mind. “Along with making sure I knew how important school was and ensuring that I went every day, he taught me some of the healing ways of his people. All of his remedies are in this bag. I must have spent hours during my teenage years learning about herbs, roots, scents, nature, touch and the human body’s reactions to them all.”
“Sounds like he was pretty influential in your life. Do you still have contact with him?”
“Right after making sure I had a place in the United States Army and watching me deploy to a new life, he passed away. He left this old bag and the hundred-and-fifty dollars that he had in his checking account to me,” he explained while putting the raspberry leaves and a couple other herbs into her coffee pot to brew. As the hot water drenched the dried raspberry leaves and herbs, he took a deep breath—inhaling the scent, just like Mr. Yazzi used to do.
“Is that where you learned that trick you did to Zach’s feet?” she asked.
“Yeah, Mr. Yazzi was like a walking encyclopedia. He was always talking about different ways to ease discomfort and heal wounds—physical, mental and emotional wounds—naturally. He was a great man, and I was too young and dumb to ask him what tribe he was from, so when I went looking to return the bag to his family, I got nowhere fast,” he said. “So I finally just accepted it for the gift he intended it to be and learned all I could from it. I’ve even added to the remedies and fixed the lining on the inside,” he finished, opening the bag to show her the repair work he had done.
“Don’t you think Mr. Yazzi would have wanted you to use that knowledge for some purpose?” she asked softly.
“Just ask me,” he replied with a teasing grin and a nod of his chin. “You want a foot massage, don’t you? You and Jess could be sisters except that you are subtle where she is crass and unladylike, if I do say so myself.”
Returning his smile, she said, “No, I don’t want…that.”
“A neck massage then? I’m just as good at that,” he offered, turning off the coffee maker after it finished the brew cycle. Then he poured the mixture into a pitcher half full of ice and covered it so it could steep overnight. Placing the mixture in the fridge, he continued, “Besides, then you can tell Jess all about it since she asks all the time and always gets the same answer—no. I’ll let you keep picking my brain in that therapist way of yours. And, you did eat my cupcakes so it’s poor taste to deny me anything after that.”
“No. I don’t want any massage, and besides, I wasn’t the only one who ate the cupcakes. Jess, Kayla and Tori each had one, too.” She giggled as he took her hand in his and led her into the living room.
“Not a one of you stopped to think, ‘Gee, I bet the hardworking man who was actually given these cupcakes might like one of them.’ Did you?” He laughed as they sat down on her sofa.
“I did think that and even told Rusty that he should save you one….” She giggled some more.
Sitting in the corner of the couch, he angled his body so his weight caused her to either sit awkwardly to avoid touching him, move farther down the couch or allow herself to relax against him. He
waited to see what she would do. When she did nothing, he dipped a finger into her hair, smoothed a lock back from her face and tucked it behind her ear. Her body slowly shifted into his touch, so he continued filtering his fingers through her soft hair, watching her gradually move toward him until she was leaning against him.
His heart soared. An old story that Mr. Yazzi had told him once came to mind. Two young warriors, eager to make names for themselves with their tribe, came upon a stallion that would be the envy of even the chief. The first young warrior’s haste to claim the stallion and ride it into battle caused the stallion to turn from him completely and run across the prairie lands. Many miles the two warriors had to travel to once again catch up to the stallion. The second young warrior, having learned from the first young warrior’s mistakes, took the time to coax the stallion, learn his ways and become one with him. He was then able to claim him. The stallion’s loyalty to the second young warrior was such that he stuck with the young warrior for a lifetime.
Mr. Yazzi had also told Ian that when the right life partner for him came across his path, he would know it in his heart, in his soul, but not to be too hasty staking his claim. If he was patient with Courtney and coaxed her, perhaps she would trust him and eventually allow him to claim her as his own.
Sitting with her cuddled into his side, he couldn’t help but feel like she was made specifically for him to love. He just had to be patient because she could be skittish and would surely bolt if he rushed things between them.
When her whole body finally relaxed from his ministrations, he said, “In the morning you’ll need to strain the leaves out of the tea and maybe add some sweetener to it. Honey is a natural antibacterial agent, so that’s preferred over sugar. You watched how I made it. It’s pretty easy to do, but if you decide to try again, for another baby I mean, let me know and we’ll change up the recipe to get the most benefit.”
“Honestly, I don’t know if I could take losing another baby,” she replied, looking away from him to stare at a spot across the room. “Not to mention, it’s not exactly a cheap process.”
“I could…you know…” he started. He wasn’t sure how to offer to father a child with her. He could only hope she caught his drift. “Wouldn’t that make it cheaper?”
“No and that’s not a good idea, anyway. What about when you get married someday? What would your wife think?” she asked, continuing to look anywhere but at him. “I mean if you want to be a…sperm donor, that’s fine, but I don’t think you should know who actually gets the donation.”
“No, that’s not what I meant. I meant like we could try for another baby…together. The old-fashioned way,” he suggested and then held his breath when she tensed against him. “I’m just trying to help you be frugal,” he finally said with a laugh when an awkward silence settled around them.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, either,” she replied. “I can’t…”
“How do you know? Have you ever?” he asked quietly.
“I’ve never even wanted to kiss a man,” she finally responded after several seconds.
“Can I kiss you?” he asked softly. When she didn’t respond and the awkwardness came back for the second round, he said, “No tongue action or any of that other stuff Jess is into, but a respectable kiss.”
She laughed outright and then finally met his gaze and shook her head. “I don’t know…”
“You know what, never mind.” He sighed. “I don’t think I can do it now after all. I’m too nervous, a little nauseous even. I mean you are Jess’s friend. You might stick your tongue in my mouth.”
“Very funny.” She giggled. Then she took a deep breath as though for courage, sat closer to him and said, “Okay, but just once and not for very long.”
“No I’m serious. I can’t be the one going in for it. If you want to that’s fine, but no tongue. I mean it.” He laughed and turned his face away from her. Teasing her was loads of fun.
To his utter amazement she maneuvered around until she was on her knees on the couch. Then she placed her hands on his cheeks, forced his face around to hers and pressed her soft mouth against his split lip. It was far from a sexy kiss—or even a decent kiss for that matter—and it was over before it started, but she had initiated it!
Seeing the anxiety on her face, he slowly brought his arm up and wiped his mouth on his sleeve as though wiping off her kiss. Her eyes immediately softened and she burst out laughing.
Chapter Seven
It had been nearly two weeks since she’d gotten up the nerve to kiss Ian, and she was beginning to wonder if her kiss really had been that bad. He’d made it seem like a big joke, as he did with a lot of things. And he hadn’t pressured her for anything more. In fact he hadn’t even brought it up again. Somehow she didn’t really like that. Why, she wasn’t sure, but she didn’t like that he seemed completely unaffected by the feel of her lips on his. As thankful as she was that he hadn’t tried anything afterward, another part of her wanted to know why he hadn’t. Was he not attracted to her? Was she just another friend to him, like Jess?
Some deranged part of her actually thought about asking him for a “do over”—as he called a second chance. She even entertained a couple of fantasies about kissing him the way lovers in the movies kissed. With passion.
Who was she kidding? She had produced the quickest and possibly worst kiss in the history of romance. At least he had been good about it.
It felt like he’d been around her whole life and knew her better than she knew herself. Along with not pressuring her about more kisses or having a baby with him, he also never asked about her past. For the most part she was relieved that he didn’t, but he had to know she wasn’t like normal women. So why didn’t he just ask her why she was this way?
Having him around again was wonderful, though. She couldn’t deny it. He was a great friend, funny, helpful and all-around sweet. If those qualities weren’t enough to soften even a crazy therapist too warped to get over her own trauma, his obvious hurt over her miscarriage was.
His reaction to losing the baby wasn’t something she had expected, especially from a man, and honestly, she didn’t know why it meant so much to him. One evening after she’d been on the phone with a client, she’d found him in the nursery with his hands on the top rail of the crib looking down at the bare mattress, his shoulders slumped in disappointment. It had impacted her more than she cared to admit. She had walked away, but now wondered if she should have stayed and said something.
Sitting in April’s office while she waited for the results of her blood work, Courtney wondered if it was possible that men had biological clocks, too. Ian was younger than her, but she wasn’t sure by how much. His deep feelings about her pregnancy could still be nature’s way of telling him he was aging. Deciding maybe that was what triggered such a strong emotional reaction from him, she settled back and glanced around the office. Even the posters regarding women’s health made her think of Ian. Everything made her think of him…everything.
“I’m not sure what you’ve been doing but keep it up, your hormone levels are right where they should be. I think they are even better than they were when we inseminated you. What’s your secret?” April asked with a smile.
“My friend turned me on to this tea made from red-raspberry leaves. I’ve been drinking a glass every day and taking vitamin E at his suggestion, but other than that, I’ve not done anything different,” she replied.
April smiled. “Your friend Ian?”
“Yeah. Why?” she asked as April’s smile widened.
“Vitamin E is often referred to as the sex vitamin,” April replied with a laugh. “It’s been known to boost the sex drive of both men and women. Red-raspberry leaves are said to help with fertility both before and during pregnancy and are also a good source ofvitamin E. Is it safe to say you’re considering an alternative to insemination?” she finished with a knowing smile.
Courtney didn’t really know how to respond to that. She sat stunned for s
everal moments. She’d never asked Ian what the tea and vitamins were for. He was always offering suggestions on how to live healthier and ways to naturally alleviate ailments and most of the time he was right. After getting used to the flavor of the tea, she had merely thought it was calming, soothing to the soul—like the ginseng tea he’d made for her after she’d lost the baby.
Another comment Ian had made, about how he should have been giving her the tea instead of ice cream when she was pregnant, made sense now. Why would he give her the tea now, though? She wasn’t pregnant. Was he hoping she would reconsider and try for another baby? With him? And he’d suggested a vitamin known as the sex vitamin…right after she’d kissed him.
“Do men have a biological clock?” Courtney finally asked.
April studied her for a moment as though reading her mind. “I suppose they do, but in my experience a man normally feels familial when he’s found someone he cares about. Pregnancy and childbirth can be an incredibly bonding time between two people.”
Courtney struggled to ask April questions that normally were easy for her, but because those things conjured up images of Ian, she instead sat biting her lip in thought.
“As you may remember from the discussion we had when we did the procedure to remove your hymen, you are no longer a virgin in the physical sense of the word. However, you and I both know that your experience with sex is very limited, so I would recommend that if you go that route, you talk it over with…your partner,” April persisted when Courtney continued to sit in silence unable to form a reasonable question.
“Will it…hurt? I mean even though I’m not a virgin anymore,” she asked, finally meeting April’s gaze. The idea of being nearly forty years old and never having had sex would be laughable to some, but to Courtney…right now it was just awkward and made things more complicated.
