She belonged here and he—didn’t. As much as he wanted to, he knew that he’d go stir crazy after a while. He might last a few months, even a year. But deep down, he was just like his father. Business driven and not fit to lead a family.
All very good reasons he should get up and leave this pew immediately.
But not even a muscle in his body twitched at his command.
Lord, I know I probably look like a total idiot sitting here in your house with my eyes closed, but if I open them I might see him and throw myself at him or something really crazy like that, so I’m praying instead.
Sadie took a breath, trying to think horrible, awful thoughts instead of the blissful, kiss-filled ones that threatened.
Nate had been so good tonight. He’d come a long way from that first night when he looked like he might vomit all over his patent leather shoes. The kids adored him, and sweet Peter had taken to being his shadow, following Nate everywhere.
Then there was five-year-old Kallie. She’d tugged on his pants leg, and when he bent down, had asked if he was married. When he said no, she hugged his neck and declared that she would do the honors when she got to be old too.
Nate hadn’t batted an eye before hugging her back and telling her she’d make a beautiful bride someday.
She’d skipped off to be fitted in her angel costume, happier than Sadie had ever seen her.
If there hadn’t been children present, Sadie would have marched right over to him and kissed him on the spot.
Which was crazy. She shouldn’t be feeling like this. Not for some guy who wasn’t even close to her type.
What is your type then, Sadie?
Ugh. Maybe a cowboy kinda guy, or a ruggedly handsome mountain man with messy hair who wore plaid and drove a big black truck and prayed just as well as he played the fiddle.
It definitely wasn’t a bald businessman who traveled the world and didn’t even stay in a place long enough to have a real home and rarely connected with his family and who, until recently, didn’t even like kids.
She could never be with a man like that.
It didn’t matter that he was handsome and that his bald head was actually incredibly sexy. His light-green eyes that crinkled at the corners when he smiled didn’t change a thing. Okay, so yes, he loved Jesus and that was definitely attractive. And his fear of the munchkins had actually been super adorable. And even though he was loaded money-wise, he obviously had no problem giving it away when God called him to. And just because she’s always secretly dreamed of traveling around the world didn’t change the fact that he wasn’t the guy for her.
“Penny for your thoughts.”
Warmth spread to her cheeks. Those particular thoughts would cost somewhere in the eight-figure range before they ever saw the light of day. “I’m thinking about my bed at home calling my name. It’s been a long day.” Maybe those weren’t her exact thoughts, but they were true anyway, and she was thinking them now.
“You wanna know what I was thinking?”
She peeked one eye open. He had shifted in the pew, his eyes on her, a heat in his gaze she wasn’t naive enough to miss. She really wasn’t sure she should bite—but curiosity won out. “Sure.”
“Why did you want me to help with the play?”
Not anywhere near the question she expected or feared. Sitting up, eyes wide open, she shook her head. “I don’t understand. You’ve been coming all month. Pastor Silas told you—”
“Pastor Silas lied.”
“Pastors don’t lie, Nate.”
“Well, he grossly over exaggerated then. I’ve watched you for three weeks now. You have this play and those kids running more efficiently than most companies I help, even after I’m finished whipping them into shape. You even wrote the play yourself, and you didn’t need any help with the cultural details. So why am I here?”
“Well, I can’t speak for Pastor Silas, but I think—” Boy, this was hard. “It was one part congregant retention and another part pastoral meddling.”
She might as well have just suggested the pastor was Santa Claus himself by the look Nate shot her. “I’m sorry, what kind of retention?”
“I thought you of all people would get that part. He wanted you to stay. Feel welcome and included. It worked, didn’t it? You’ve kept coming to church all month.” And sat right beside her, sharing a hymnal, singing in his low but mostly-in-tune voice. She’d have to get used to sitting by herself again after he left. “And as far as the meddling part, I’m afraid his wife is a perpetual matchmaker—and he’s been known to, ah, assist, her from time to time. In their defense, they have an excellent track record. I didn’t have the heart to tell them how off base they were this time.”
His gaze drilled into hers. “Yeah. That would be totally crazy.”
Why couldn’t she look away? Those crazy green eyes, they were the problem. They drew her in and made her want to find out all the secrets they held. She lowered her gaze but realized her mistake a moment later when his lips captured her attention. It’d been so long since she kissed a man. And really, Phin had just been a boy back then anyway.
Nate was no boy. He leaned forward, his spicy cologne luring her closer.
The first touch of his lips on hers was feather soft, as if he was taste-testing a decadent dessert.
His hand cupped her cheek, his fingers caressing her skin, sending ripples of pleasure clear down to her toes. His eyes probed hers, asking permission for more.
She should lean away. She should run away. They weren’t right for each other. She should be focusing on Mari. On the boutique. On Christmas. On Jesus.
A man would only complicate her life, especially this man.
They didn’t fit together.
Her body rebelled against her better judgment, leaning forward, anticipating, aching for more.
But just as their lips were about to meet again, Nate jerked back and stood up, grabbing his coat from pew.
Sadie sat, shocked, lips aching with want, heart bleeding. What had just—
“Ready for me to lock up, Sadie?” Pastor Silas’s jolly voice boomed across the sanctuary.
Trembling, Sadie made a show of leaning down to grab her purse and coat she’d dropped on the floor. Hopefully the few seconds would give time for the flush to vacate her cheeks, but she knew it was in vain.
If Nate had seen the pastor, the pastor had seen them.
Lord have mercy, she’d just kissed a man in church. In front of the pastor.
Nate saved her by answering. “We were just leaving. Sadie, I’ll be happy to walk you to your truck.”
Finally standing, she refused to meet Nate’s eyes, focusing on his ear instead. That was nice and safe. Sort of.
Good thoughts in church, Sadie. Come off it.
Turning, she waved to Pastor Silas, not able to find her voice to say goodbye, especially with the older man grinning ear to ear. It was like he routinely found a couple kissing in his church and blessed it.
Tugging on her coat, hat, and gloves, she braced herself against the cold as she made her way to her truck.
She was cranking the engine when Nate hopped into the passenger seat. “Phew, it’s cold out there.” He rubbed his arms with his gloveless hands.
“What are you doing?”
“Warming up. This cold air is brutal.”
She tried not to smile. None of this was funny in the least.
But then why did she have this insane urge to laugh right now? “I’m serious.”
He reached over and grabbed her hand off the steering wheel and squeezed it. “I don’t—I needed to tell you I’m sorry.”
That dreaded word few women wanted to hear after being kissed. “Sorry?”
He closed his eyes, a pained look stretching across his face. “I—I’m not the guy for you, Sadie. I’m sorry. I should never have let that happen in there. I got caught up in the moment."
Pain attacked her heart with the vengeance of a sword bent on inflicting death. He was right. Co
mpletely. She’d been telling herself all the same things.
But to hear it from his mouth—to know she could never survive in his world. To hear the regret from the lips that only minutes ago she was kissing—
She shook her head. “No, I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m—we’re not compatible. You’re this great, smart guy, world traveler, and I’m little ol’ country girl Sadie. I—”
He brought her hand to his mouth and brushed a kiss against her knuckles. “It has absolutely nothing to do with you.”
She pulled her hand back. “Sure it doesn’t.” It’s not you, it’s me. Classic line, even if it was full of bologna.
“If it wouldn’t plague me with guilt for the rest of my life, I’d slide across this seat and show you just how much this is not about you.”
White-knuckle-gripping the steering wheel to keep herself from sliding over to him, she stared at the little white church that had now gone dark, only a few electric candles lighting the windows. “Then why?”
A long silence filled the air, followed by Nate’s sigh. “I’m not a good guy, Sadie.”
That caught her attention. She glanced over to see his jaw flexed in a hard line. “What do you mean?”
“You know those guys your parents probably warned you about? The womanizers and men who never stay? The ones afraid of commitment and are pros at one-night stands? Well, you’re looking at a professional one.”
She shook her head. Nate? A professional player? That didn’t jive with the guy she’d been around for the last three weeks, or the man Kendra claimed her brother to be. But—she’d been known to be fooled before. She didn’t have the greatest track record with judging the motives of men. “So—let me get this straight. You were kissing me in there with the hopes of getting me in your bed, then planned to dump me and leave?”
“Absolutely not.” He grabbed her hand again and gripped it. “Five years ago I was in Paris working on a six-month assignment. About a month into it, I met a woman at a local club. Jade was full of life and energy and charisma. She lived life each day as it came and didn’t have a care in the world other than having fun, which sounded great to me at the time. My job may sound glamorous, but fun—not so much. Jade was mysterious. I never knew her real name, only a first name I was fairly certain was fake. But after that first night, she’d show up at my flat at crazy times and—yeah. She was a fun distraction.”
Sadie could fill in the blanks of what was going on. Part of her wanted to cover her ears and not listen anymore. She had sworn off “bad” boys years ago, and this new information about Nate sealed the deal on their incompatibility. But she couldn’t help but feel the important part was yet to come. “So what happened?”
He turned to stare out the window. “She died.”
Did he—no. Surely not. He wouldn’t be confessing murder to her. Right? “How?”
“About three months into our—relationship if you could call it that, she stopped showing up. A week later, my client’s company called a meeting. Aimee, the wife of the company's president, had committed suicide. It was so sad, but I didn’t find out until I saw her picture in the newspaper. It was her.”
This time, she squeezed his hand and scooted over in the seat, wanting to give comfort but not sure how. “I’m so sorry, Nate. That must’ve been difficult.”
“I’d had no idea she was his wife. What really shook me was that she’d killed herself. I thought she was the happiest woman I’d ever met. Carefree, not a worry in the world. How could someone that happy on the outside be so miserable on the inside? Then I realized—I was just like her.”
“Pardon me for saying—I haven’t known you very long, but you don’t seem like a happy-go-lucky, do whatever you want, kinda guy.”
“I’m not. Not anymore anyway. I flew back to the states a month early and finished up the job remotely from New York. But I still couldn’t reconcile who I was with who I wanted to be. A buddy of mine from work is a good Christian guy and was always inviting me to his church when I was in town. He took one look at me when I got back to the office and invited me. That time I accepted. I didn’t change overnight, but I came to know Jesus and the peace that nothing else, not women or sex or even my career could give me.”
Sadie wiped a tear from her eye. His story sounded much like her own, just in a different decade of life and minus a baby. “He changed you.”
“He did. But—I’m not going to lie. I struggle. And you deserve better than that Sadie.”
“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not the paragon of a sinless life myself.”
“But you haven’t—”
“I got knocked up when I was sixteen. Mari’s daddy was a drug addict, and thinking back, I'm pretty sure he was a dealer too. He—he gave me a few free samples from time to time. When my parents found out about the pregnancy, they quit their jobs and moved us here.”
“Where did you live before Gatlinburg?”
“Let’s just say we lived in the ultimate Christmas town.”
His arm, now flush with hers, vibrated with his chuckle. “And that is?”
“Santa Claus, Indiana.”
He turned, releasing her hold on his arm, and shot her a look of disbelief. “You’re kidding me.”
“Nope. They’d lived there since before I was born. I was a very late in life baby. They’d been told they had no chance of having children, and so Mom thought for sure she was just going through menopause, but when she went to the doctor because of all her weight gain, she found out—surprise! She was forty-nine when I was born, and Daddy was fifty-five. They’d always loved Christmas and both worked in town as Santa and Mrs. Claus. Mom just told everyone she’d eaten a few too many of Santa’s cookies to explain away her belly.”
“That’s—incredible.”
“They loved me and doted on me, but honestly? I think they treated me more like a grandchild to spoil rather than a daughter to raise. I can look back and see it so clearly now. I never had a curfew, and the only discipline I ever got was my mom looking at me with her big, sad eyes and telling me she was disappointed at the choice I’d made. I had a lot of love and attention, but not much else. They were shocked when I told them about the baby. And they shocked me when they announced the following week that they’d quit their jobs and were moving us all down South to open their own Christmas store in Uncle Grant’s old place he’d willed to them. It was their way of removing me from a bad situation. And believe me, Phin was bad.”
“Phin?”
“Mari’s dad.”
Nate’s arm slid behind her and tugged her closer. “I bet you were happy to move.”
“Ha. You would lose that bet. I was livid and cussed my parents out at every chance I got. But then Mari was born. I don’t know, there was just something about seeing her beautiful face and ten fingers and ten toes. I was smitten. I determined that day that I would protect my baby. That I would be a good Momma who raised her right, who taught her all about bad boys and how to avoid them. I would devote my life to her since I’d obviously ruined my own.” But now her baby wanted to spread her wings. So where did that leave Sadie?
Alone.
That’s where.
In a shop that sold Christmas stuff that she didn’t even want to own anymore. In a town she would love to visit, but that didn’t feel like home. In a house full of her parents' old furniture that wasn’t even close to her style. In a truck that might blow up at any moment.
Nate’s finger captured a tear that she hadn’t even realized she’d shed. “Your life isn’t ruined, Sadie.”
“No? How do you figure?”
“We’re all saved through Jesus. We’re all offered the same grace and redemption. I believe the Bible says somewhere in there that we’re given new life when we accept Jesus.”
True. Her life had definitely changed for the better when she’d finally accepted Jesus for the Savior he was. And wasn’t that why she’d started to tell him her story anyway? “He’s given you a new life too, you know
.”
He squeezed her shoulder. “I knew you were going to bring this back around to me somehow.”
“I still don’t know where this leaves—us.” There. She’d said it. The word us. The one that signified there was something between them, more than a shared sister/friend, a ruined Christmas tree, and a children’s play.
Nate leaned down and pressed his forehead to hers. “I don’t know either. But I leave for Japan in the morning and get back on Monday. Tuesday is the play, and Wednesday is Christmas. Let’s just enjoy the time we have for now, pray about it, and leave the rest up to God. What do you think?”
“Leaving the future in God’s hands. Sounds very—wise. And Biblical.”
His gaze dropped from her eyes and settled on her lips. “Do you think it would be unwise to finish what we started inside?”
Oh yes. Very unwise. Her body leaned closer to him, and her hand reached up to his chest to steady herself. The rapid thump of his heart beat a staccato against her palm. “Well, we’re still in the church parking lot. So I dunno.”
His lips were so close she could feel his warm breath tickling her skin. “We could always go park out in the street.”
A giggle threatened to escape. “But then we might get hit by a car passing by. Plus, I don’t recall ever reading ‘Thou shalt not kiss in the church parking lot’ in the Bible.” Very faulty logic….
“You’re right. I think we’re better off taking our chances here.”
His mouth dipped until it covered her lips, and this time, there was no feather soft about it.
Fourteen
Sadie finished tying the bow on the Christmas present she’d gotten for Nate and slid it under the Christmas tree. It wasn’t anything big, just a pair of leather gloves to properly outfit him for winter.
Glancing out the window, she sighed at the sight of the moon high in the sky.
It was Saturday night, and the house was dark and quiet, Mari already in bed.
And sleep was nowhere close to happening for Sadie. Instead, she sat on the floor, knee deep in wrapping paper, hoping to get her mind off a certain man.
A (kinda) Country Christmas: A Christian Holiday Romance Page 7
