CHAPTER 65
JEAN PAUL PULLED in front of the hotel just as a Mercedes limo sped off down the street. Paolo leaned forward in the car and put his hand on Jean Paul’s shoulder.
“Thank you, Jean Paul. Please stay in the car, I can manage myself.”
“I am sorry, Paolo.”
“Thank you.”
Paolo went into the hotel, his head down and his hands tucked into his pockets. Oblivious to the sights and sounds of the lobby, he felt overcome by a sense of the surreal. Paolo’s heart ached. He dreaded the confrontation that would take place—not one of anger but of sorrow and disappointment.
What will I say? What will she say? Thoughts rambled in his brain. Perhaps she will change her mind and realize the true love she has for me. This thought was fleeting. Paolo understood Sydney wouldn’t change. He did know she loved him—no one could convince him differently. Paolo sensed the love she had for him. He battled the demons within himself. He questioned himself and now he had to confront the fact that Sydney had said she didn’t love him. Instead of letting her go, I continued to pursue her. I love her so much, I couldn’t let her out of my life. I should have waited. No, I had to find out. Why couldn’t I leave well enough alone? So what if she couldn’t say she loved me. Her actions showed me she did. Stuck in a quagmire of thoughts and denial, he didn’t recognize where he was when the elevator doors opened to the suite.
Distraught, his heart racing, Paolo walked through the gallery to the living room. A note was taped to the lampshade. He sat on the plush couch and held the folded piece of paper in his hand. Tears streamed down his face as he read the already tearstained note.
“My dearest Paolo, I am so sorry. Words can’t explain how I feel about you. To know you are hurting because of me rips at my heart. I am deeply fond of you, and I care so much for you. I am sorry I can’t marry you. My own demons confront me every day—your secrets, my emotions—you know better than I do. I should have listened to you and gotten help. I sometimes want to spend the rest of my life with you and then other times I don’t care—that is the conflict within me. How I hurt, knowing I have hurt you. Our friendship over the years has been a special gift we share. Your love for me is so powerful I can’t grasp its meaning. Maybe that is what scares me. I can’t love you the way you love me.
“This beautiful birthday present—what can I say, it is a gift I will never forget.
“By the time you read this, I will be on an airplane heading back home. I thought it would be best that I leave. I couldn’t bear to see the pain on your face. Paolo, you are the nicest, kindest, gentlest man I have ever met and I am probably making a big mistake. I am so sorry that I hurt you. Please forgive me.
“Sydney.”
The words I can’t love you the way you love me struck Paolo deeply. The realization that the love he had for her was divine and unconditional gave him no repose. Paolo tore up the note and whispered, “So long, Sydney Hill, have a great freak’n life.” He reached for his cell phone and called Tony, and then Jim.
“Hi, Jim, hope I didn’t disturb you and Jayne.”
“Not at all, Paolo, we’re still on eastern time. What can I do for you?”
“What’s going on with the airplane over the next couple of days?”
“Nothing—we’re actually waiting to hear from you.”
“You guys up to going home tomorrow?”
“Absolutely.”
“How soon can we leave?”
“You tell me.”
“How does tomorrow morning at nine sound?”
“Fine, I look forward to seeing you and Sydney tomorrow.”
“Jim, Sydney won’t be with us,” Paolo said with sadness in his voice.
Jim paused, then said, “Okay. We’ll be waiting for you.”
Paolo hooked the phone to its charger. He went into the bedroom and packed. He could smell Sydney’s lingering perfume. He sat on the bed and cried himself to sleep.
CHAPTER 66
I sit here in the solitude of my mind thinking of you
The sun glistens over the water
The waves break against the sea wall
As my heart beats to your memory
All entwined as one, my being not without you
For you are in my heart
How I long to be with you
I sit here with the sun splashing on my face
With you on my mind
JEAN PAUL PICKED Paolo up at the hotel at eight o’clock the next morning and brought him to the airport.
“Thank you, Jean Paul, for these last several days. I hope to see you soon.” Paolo handed Jean Paul two hundred euros.
Jean Paul accepted the offering. “I wish you all the luck, Paolo. You will see—she will come back.”
“From your mouth to God’s ears, Jean Paul.”
Paolo walked into the private air terminal, where he cleared customs. Danny, the other pilot, met him at the gate.
“Hello, Danny,” Paolo said in a subdued voice.
“Hello, Paolo.”
“How long to Oxford?”
“Almost eight hours.”
“Excellent. Jayne on board?” Paolo’s statements were short and to the point.
“Yes sir, she is.”
“Is El Capitan flying today?”
“Yes, he is.” They continued their walk to the fifty-million-dollar jet in silence.
Paolo climbed the ten steps. Jayne stood in the doorway and waited for her friend. “Good morning, Paolo.”
“Good morning, Jayne.” Paolo made a quick left turn to the cockpit and patted Jim on the shoulder.
“Hi, Jim.”
“How are you, Paolo?” The question hinted that the crew was aware of his breakup with Sydney.
“Shitty.” Paolo moved to the cabin and sat in the rearmost forward seat. Jayne followed.
“Hi again, Jayne.”
“Hi, Paolo. Are you okay?”
Paolo immediately sensed the sincerity in her voice and the sympathy in her eyes. “Word travels fast.”
“Tony called and gave us a heads-up.”
“Certainly is nice to know people care about you,” Paolo’s voice cracked.
“Yes, we do. Can I get you some coffee?”
“How about a shot of tequila?” he suggested with a grin.
“So you think tequila is a good idea?”
“Probably not. Coffee would be fine. Thanks, Jayne.”
Jayne brought Paolo a cup of coffee. She walked forward to the crew quarters. Paolo reclined the leather seat as the plane hurled down the runway and pulled away from the French airstrip. The sound of the synchronized engines gave rhythm to Paolo’s mind as he began to analyze what had happened with Sydney.
Paolo closed his eyes and recalled the times Sydney had ended their relationship and brought the emotional roller coaster to a stop. Sydney’s explanation was that she loved him so much, it was easier for her to say goodbye than endure the pain of him leaving her.
“This is bullshit. I’d give you anything and everything; I would sacrifice everything for you; I’d die for you, Sydney Hill,” he whispered.
As he sat, some forty-eight thousand feet above Europe, Paolo realized his behavior was destructive. His continued acceptance during her emotional breakdowns took an unforeseen toll on his mind and body. Paolo became a prisoner to her love and the love he had for her. His desire not to allow their love to fade away only imprisoned him more.
Paolo remembered the happy times. How he loved the sweet sound of her voice when she greeted him. The concern in her tone when she asked how he was doing filled him with happiness and hope. Then, when the relationship fell apart, the absence of her love almost drove him to despair. Paolo waited and hoped for Sydney to call, just to say hi, to say anything. Every morning for a month, he went to a local Starbucks, making excuses to Rebecca for his absence from the office. His stomach would be in knots as he waited for Sydney to call. Stranded with his cappuccino, Paolo wrote down his thoughts an
d feelings. Pen in hand, words flowed from his soul onto little pieces of white paper. Entrenched in deep sorrow, Paolo would walk the Brewster Estate in solitude into the late hours of the evening. He lay awake at night, unable to fall asleep, deep in thought. His only outlet was the endless harmony of words churned out onto white paper bought at the corner drugstore. The story would become his life. His soul was laid bare to all who would read about the eternal love he had for a woman. He took the blame for the demise of their relationship upon himself. He often wondered what he had done wrong. Now, he had to relive it again. He dreaded being alone.
“Paolo, can I get you some more coffee?”
Paolo snapped out of his reverie. “What?” he barked.
“Can I get you some more coffee?”
“Sure, Jayne…I didn’t mean to jump down your throat. Are you interested in talking to an old fool?”
“Of course. It’s what are friends for,” Jayne said, sitting opposite him.
“I need to let Sydney go. I can’t convince her to love me. The best I can do is be her friend.” With resignation, he sighed, “I need to finally let her go. My problem is, Jayne, how do I handle the pain of her absence? The pain of losing her and not having her to love.” Tears welled in Paolo’s eyes and his voice cracked. “The pain won’t leave, nor will the love I have for her.” Paolo’s mind rambled on in random thoughts. His eyes closed for a brief moment. He took a deep breath, sighed, and opened them. He stared out the oval window, his head propped up in his right hand.
“I believe God put her in my life, so I’d understand what true love is. The question I ask myself is, would he also take her away from me?” He stopped and wiped a tear from his eye, then looked at Jayne. “I guess so.”
“I’m sorry, Paolo, this must be extremely difficult for you.” Jayne went on, “There are many people who say love is a choice, and feelings are circumstantial. You chose to love her, you accepted the love God put in your heart for her. Now you need to use the love in your heart for others. We can never understand the ways of God. We can only trust that where we are in our life is where God wants us to be, even if it hurts like hell.” Jayne paused, “Paolo, I think this love is different, this love will touch the fabric of many people.”
Paolo absorbed her words. “It’s funny, I know the love in my heart for her always existed within me. I believe if we had met in a different period of time the love I have for her would still be here in my heart.” Paolo placed his hand on his chest. “You’ve heard the saying that actions speak louder than words?”
“Yes.”
“Well, her actions were contradictory to her words. Sydney couldn’t tell me she loved me, yet she loved me with her actions. The meaning of life is based upon both words and actions, not one or the other. Actions and words are of equal importance to me, to all of us. Words can kill the heart as easily as being stabbed with a knife. And now my heart is slowly dying.”
Jayne sat and listened. Paolo continued, his words coming from his soul, a soul touched by the hand of God.
“What I couldn’t comprehend was the underlying issue to her psyche, what made Sydney tick. What I found out—” Paolo paused, “was that part of the problem was she was going through menopause. The other part—my secrets—only compounded her stress. Her hormones were in such disarray that her rational thinking was turned off. Now, couple that with a lousy marriage and painful divorce…it’s no wonder she couldn’t commit. I asked myself why she didn’t understand I loved her for who she was as a person, an individual. Why couldn’t she accept the fact I fell in love with her because she warmed my heart? All I wanted to do…was make her happy with the love I had for her. Maybe we as a people can’t accept love anymore, we’ve grown too callous.”
Jayne leaned forward and placed her hand on his knee. “In life, our fears often dictate our choices, thus destroying our happiness. We often forget our earthly existence is short-lived. Do you think she held back her love for you because of her own fears of rejection?”
“Possibly. Will I ever find out? Probably not.”
Paolo stopped his diatribe, stared out the window for a moment, then turned and faced Jayne, his face stained by tears. “I still can’t understand what happened. My life is now in the hands of God. Sydney has touched something deep within me. The bond I have with her is too strong to break, at least up till today.” He turned his head and looked out the window again into the cloudless sky.
“I have some shrimp cocktail, if you want?”
“Sure, that would be fine. And please get me some Advil. I have a terrible headache.”
CHAPTER 67
PAOLO FINISHED HIS SHRIMP cocktail. His face looked more at peace, even though his inner self was still in turmoil.
“Were the shrimp okay?” Jayne asked.
“Not bad. The cocktail sauce was not as good as my friend Warren’s.”
“Warren?”
“Yeah, you’ll meet him soon enough, great guy. Tony will invite you to the pig roast in September. When you go, you’ll see the true love of family and friends.” Paolo paused, looked reflective, and smiled. “Sydney and I reconciled our relationship there.” He stared out the window. “Jayne, I’m going to take a nap.”
“Okay. I’ve got paperwork to do. Sleep well.”
“Thanks for listening. I find talking helps. It relieves some of the pain, and makes me realize not all is bad. For me, a good talk gets the thoughts out of my head. It keeps me from dwelling. Talking frees my mind.”
“Anytime.”
Four hours later, Paolo awoke to the sound of Jim’s voice. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We will be landing in Oxford soon. Kindly fasten your seatbelts.”
The Gulfstream’s wheels screeched as they touched the runway. As Paolo prepared to get off the airplane, Jayne gave him a hug. Paolo said, “You should have kept your psychology practice. Thanks for listening.”
“Anytime.”
“I have something for you to read. I wrote this last night. I have to move forward now.” Paolo handed the white piece of paper to Jayne. “I’ll see you soon.”
The sorrow never leaves, the hurt always present
Hiding in the shadows of these words
A new reality has dawned
That sometimes life never changes
Don’t wait too long
Because I might not be here
For I have to stop my pain
Looking back in time
Through the windows of my mind
The memories of you rain down on me
As Paolo entered his car, he looked back and saw Jayne reading the note with tears in her eyes.
CHAPTER 68
THE DRIVE FROM Oxford airport to his townhouse took thirty minutes. When he got home, he called his daughter and got a quick update on the family.
“Dad, why are you home so early? I thought you were going to Sorrento.”
“I thought so, too, but I had to get back early.” He gave no explanation.
“I’m sorry—you must be disappointed. How is Sydney? Did she enjoy Paris?”
“Yes, she was quite surprised, to say the least.”
“Is everything alright, Dad?”
“Yes, I’m just a little tired, and I have a headache.”
“Do you want me to come over? I’ll cook you dinner.”
“No, I’m okay, honey. I’ll be fine, a little rest will do me good.”
“Okay, but if you need anything, call me, okay?”
“Thank you, principessa. I will be fine. Besides, I need to prepare for my speaking tour. I’ll be able to get a head start on it.”
“Okay, Dad. I love you.”
“Love you too, Rio. Bye.”
“Bye.”
A tear fell from Paolo’s eye.
Life’s often-bitter road with its many winding curves and one-way streets seemed to beckon in Paolo’s direction. His spirit unsettled, his empathic ability was thwarted, and he was free from the haunting nightmare
s of man’s incredible stupidity. His love for Sydney grew ever stronger and deeper as the days went by. His knowledge of time counting down to some type of cataclysmic event nagged at his consciousness. He felt helpless—the love of his life gone, human death on the doorstep. The only message he had left was the message of love.
Exhausted from his trip and his long conversation with Jayne, Paolo sat at his desk. He opened the drawer with the little white pieces of paper. He neatly piled them in bundles of ten and placed elastic bands around them. He kept only one, a poem titled “Yellow Rose.” Paolo walked to the fireplace and gently placed the secrets of his heart in the cold open hearth. The next time the fireplace was lit, his words would be whisked away in clouds of smoke.
“Goodbye, Sydney Hill,” he said. Tears rolled down his face.
His soul was touched to the very core of his existence with the love he had for Sydney. Influenced by this overwhelming sense, he reached deep within himself and realized it was a gift from God. Nevertheless, why did he feel this way? For what purpose should a man or woman feel such pain, such despair? Whether it was divine intervention or the rationalization of man, Paolo decided the love in his heart was the love God has for his people, who blinded by their own selfish existence, fail to realize and accept the love God has for them.
CHAPTER 69
PAOLO AWOKE THE FOLLOWING Monday morning to a new dawn. He accepted the love he had for Sydney, even though the void in his heart hurt like hell. Paolo left his protected estate for the first time since his return from Paris, and began his four-mile, twenty-minute drive to his office. On his car CD player, Andrea Bocelli sang “Sogno.” The words of the song touched Paolo’s heart. Va ti aspettero—qui ti aspettero w rubero i baci al tempo. Go, I will wait for you—here, I will wait for you and steal kisses from time. Paolo thought of Sydney’s kisses, the softness of her lips. He shook his head and turned the love song off. Instantly he came out of his reverie. He turned the radio on and listened to “Imus in the Morning.”
The comfortable ride of his racing green S-type Jaguar calmed him. Paolo’s mind wandered as he recalled Jayne’s advice to bring his love for Sydney into his talks on the lecture circuit. The car stopped at the corner of Humphrey and Whitney. Yale’s Nuclear Structure Laboratory, on the right, housed the largest Van de Graaff nuclear accelerator in the world. The conversation with Jayne once again popped into his mind. The car crossed Trumbull Street, the back of Saint Mary’s Church on his right. “God placed the love in your heart for her.”
Messenger From God (The Last Eulogy Series Book 1) Page 30
