by Carian Cole
She lowers her voice and moves closer to me. “Evelyn, he’s got it so bad for you. Do you know how many women in that place would have given their first-born to ride his face? And not put up a fight over it?”
I roll my eyes. “You don’t have to remind me of this. Trust me, I know. That skank was hanging on him when we left.”
“Well, you left him all hot and bothered! The fuck is wrong with you, Evelyn?”
“I do not want to be some sex toy for him. He’s just pissed that every damn girl in the world wants to fuck him and I don’t. Well, I do, but I’m not going to fall all over him and give up all my morals just to do it.”
“Evelyn, do you follow him on social media?”
“What are you talking about? I don’t have a Twitter. I don’t have time for that. And I don’t want to see any crazy stuff he’s doing with other women.”
She takes out her cell phone, scrolls around a bit and hands it to me. There’s a status update on his official page, posted a few days ago.
“Someday, I’ll get the girl, and hopefully, she’ll get me, too.”
“What does that mean?” I hand her the phone back.
“It means I don’t think he’s just trying to get laid, Ev. I think he really cares about you, but your dumb ass can’t see it.” She picks Halo up off the back of the couch and hugs him like a baby. “Seriously, Evelyn. You could be throwing away a good thing here, and I’m not talking about the drunk lump upstairs. Over twenty-eight-hundred girls liked his status and a few hundred have offered themselves up to him.”
“I can’t compete with all that. It will drive me mad.”
“I don’t think you’ll have to. He doesn’t act like he’s chasing anything with a skirt, really. And women will always come on to him, but who cares? Learn to ignore it.”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m exhausted. Do you want to sleep here instead of driving home?”
She lays Halo on the couch next to her and stands up. “No, I have a breakfast date, so I’d better go. Don’t ask me why I agreed to that. Who the hell wants to meet for breakfast? You better get the goods on that guy Vandal for me.”
“His cousin? He didn’t look like your type at all. He looked pretty miserable, actually.”
She pulls on her coat and walks toward the door. “It’s that brooding sexiness I love.”
I pull her in for a hug. “Thanks for going tonight. It was fun except for the you-know-what part.”
“I had a great time. He’s really talented. Next time he wants to feast on you, shut up and let him.” She kisses my cheek. “I’ll call you tomorrow and tell you how my breakfast date goes.”
I turn off the lights and head upstairs to find Michael completely sprawled across the bed, taking up the entire thing. I swear under my breath and get undressed in the dark. I put on an over-sized t-shirt, grab my pillow, and go back downstairs to sleep on the couch. I don’t want to hear him snoring all night anyway.
About an hour after I fall asleep, I hear my phone beep, the sound jarring me. I reach for it and snag it off the coffee table. It’s a text from Storm.
Storm: I didn’t want to fight tonight. I wanted to make sure you wouldn’t forget me while I’m gone.
Me: I could never forget you.
Storm: Can you call me? Now? I leave tomorrow. We didn’t say goodbye.
Should I call him? Michael will never wake up now that he’s asleep. I stare at my phone, debating.
I dial.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey.”
“I don’t have a drinking problem. Just so you know. Yeah, I used to drink too much. But not now.”
“Okay. I was just worried.”
“I know.”
“Your music is amazing, Storm. I loved it. And the song . . . hearing you sing it. It melted me.”
“I was hoping it would. I never sing, ya know. I did that for you.”
My heart jumps a little bit. “It was really great.” I swallow and ask him what’s been on my mind since I left. “Did you have sex with her?”
I hear a faint sucking noise. He’s smoking one of his e-cigs. “A blow job,” he finally says. My heart sinks. My throat tightens. I close my eyes and trap the tears there.
“I know you’re mad, Evie. You don’t have to say anything. I’m sorry. I was mad. I wanted you, and you pushed me away. I had you for ten minutes and it was Heaven. So, I sent myself back to the Hell I’m used to. I don’t kiss her. I don’t touch her. I use her.”
“Storm, I can’t ask you not to be with other women. I have no right to be jealous.”
“Ask.”
“What?”
“Ask me.”
I can’t. I won’t.
“Evie, I need total honesty from you. I don’t care what it is you have to say to me, or ask me. Just don’t keep it from me. You hide so much, and you’re in so much damn denial. You gotta cut that out, okay? I will pull words out of you if I have to.”
“I don’t want you to be with other women,” I say softly.
“Good. Now tell me why.”
“I want it to be me.”
“Oh, it will be, baby. Once you stop fighting yourself, and me.” He’s quiet for a moment. “Did you want me earlier?”
Holy shit, yes. A hundred thousand times.
“Yes.”
“If there was no Michael, would you have let me make love to you on that table?”
I close my eyes, seeing him in my head, feeling his tongue inside me.
“Yes.”
I feel him smile through the phone. “Good girl. Cuz when I want you, I’m going to take you, and I want you to want it. Is that something you could give me?”
“Yes.”
“That’s something I need, Evelyn. I’m being honest here. I like spontaneity.”
“Okay. I understand.” I think.
“Where’s Michael now?”
“Upstairs, asleep. I’m on the couch.”
“Are you going to think about us? Think about giving us a chance when I get back?”
“Yes. I will. I am.”
“I don’t want him fucking you anymore. Can you do that? If you avoid him, would he try to hurt you?”
“Michael? No, he would never hurt me. He’ll be mad, but he won’t hurt me.”
“Good. Let him be mad.”
“Okay.” Michael will be pissy when I say no, but I don’t care.
“So, this is our first step together, Evie. If we want to think about being together, we both have things to change. This is a start, right?”
“Yes. Are there others?” I ask him.
“Other women?”
“Yes, other fuckbuddies. Or just her?”
“I’ve never had just one, Evie. Not in a long time.”
“Oh . . .” The nausea starts to creep back up on me again.
“I don’t want that anymore. Now I want you.”
“Why? Why me?”
He lets out a little laugh. “I don’t really know. I just knew, sitting in the truck with you in my lap, that this was it. I figured we were either gonna die together back there or get out and be together forever. I don’t question feelings like that. I must get that from my mom,” he teases.
And so it began.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I WAKE UP SATURDAY MORNING FEELING stronger. Last night, Storm and I decided this would be our start.
I want him. I want to be with him. I have not felt close to Michael in so long. I’ll miss what we once had, but I know I need to let go. It’s not fair to either of us for me to hang onto him like a security blanket.
Make a plan. Set attainable goals. Reward each goal. Don’t give up if things don’t go perfectly.
These are all things my therapist had drilled into my head, back when I tried to seek help for my depression and lack of zest for life and desire to do anything. The time when I laid in bed for days.
I would try for a few days, and then give up. Goals were scary. Plans were fru
strating. Settling was easier, so much less work.
This time, I’m going to follow through. Storm is worth it. We’re worth it.
I sit in the grass and write my list in a leather journal. The soft cover is soothing to me. I love how the leather smells. I collect old books and journals, like this one with handmade paper. Writing my wishes in this seems more appropriate than typing them into the notepad of my cell phone.
I start my list. Check finances. Michael and I have a joint account, but also separate ones. I have some money left over from my parents’ insurance. I’ll need to find out how much I have and how much is fair for us to split from our joint account.
Find a place to live. I can’t afford to stay in the condo. We lease it, so Michael can stay if he wants and renew the lease. Where will I live? I could live with Amy, but I doubt that will work. We both like our space and privacy. Hopefully I can afford a small studio apartment. I’ve never lived alone. The thought scares me a little bit.
My cell phone beeps and I check it.
Storm: Good morning, Sunshine.
A huge smile instantly spreads across my face.
Me: Good morning ;)
Storm: We just got on the road. What are you doing?
I take a picture of the double headstone I’m sitting with and send it to him via message.
Me: I’m here. Writing in my journal. Drinking a latte.
Storm: Baby, I would have brought you there. I always will.
Me: I know. In the summer, we’ll come together. You can help me with the flowers.
Storm: Definitely. What are you writing?
Me: A list of things I need to do to be with you.
Storm: Fuck. You just made my heart jump.
My insides do a happy dance. I love how he makes me feel.
Me: Is that good?
Storm: It’s fucking awesome. I want to jump out of this bus and run back to you.
Me: LOL . . . don’t do that.
Storm: Wait until I can get my hands on you :-)~
Me: :) I’m going to head back home. It’s getting overcast here.
Storm: K. I’ll text you later.
I close my journal. I’ll write again later when I have some more time to think. Touching the headstone, I wonder what my parents would think of Storm. I’m sure my dad would scoff about the long hair and tattoos, but I think once they got to know him, they would have both liked him. Mom would have loved his smile and his eyes.
Michael and Amy are all I have left. My only friends, my only family. They have made me feel grounded since my parents passed, giving me a sense of having a connection to when my life was full and happy. Leaving Michael will, of course, leave a hole in my life.
I love him, but I no longer feel like I am in love with him. It took meeting Storm to make me realize that. And I hate to compare, but Michael never made my insides go to mush, even in the beginning. I never felt that closeness with him, like I could just close my eyes and melt completely into him forever. I never felt like I could tell him anything. I never came all over his face or quivered just thinking about him. I guess starting our relationship at fourteen doomed us. We never grew or evolved. Our love was still fourteen, stuck in twenty-something people.
Mom used to say when a door closes, a window opens. I will lose Michael, but that will leave me open to explore whatever is going on with Storm and me, without guilt and being a bad person. Maybe we really can make this work and have a relationship.
“If we are ever together, we would spend a lot of time here,” Storm said at Gram’s house. He wants me as part of his family. I could have a family again. And what a family that would be! Just thinking about it boggles my mind. Could that really be my life someday?
Continuing with my list—Distance from Michael. This will be difficult. While Michael has no problems distancing himself from me whenever his attention is elsewhere, he is used to me jumping at his every whim and never saying no to what he wants or asks me to do. Our sex life is sucky at best—no pun intended—but he does like to have sex for a few minutes several times per week just to get off. Storm and I promised no sex with others as our start of focusing on being together.
Halo. Make sure new apartment is pet-friendly.
The house phone rings. I put my journal in the end table drawer and answer it.
“Hey, chickie,” Amy says brightly.
“How was your breakfast date?”
“Ugh. He was cute, but I was so damn tired, I think I looked like shit. Fucker should know women need some time in the morning. I think he does this first-date breakfast on purpose to see how brain-dead and fug we look before we’re fully awake. It’s genius, really.”
“What’s his name?”
“Ryan something. I can’t remember. He’s a realtor. We’re going to have dinner tomorrow night. I kind of like him; he seems to have his shit together.”
“Well, keep me updated. He sounds interesting.”
“We shall see. Date four seems to be the magic number of whether they turn into supreme assholes or have mommy issues. So, have you talked to Storm since the show?”
“Yeah. We talked last night on the phone. He let that skank blow him.”
“Oh, shit. I’m sorry, Ev.”
“It hurts like mad, Aim. Like seriously. I want to just scream and cry, to be honest. He did apologize, though. He said he was pissed over what happened. He told me he doesn’t kiss her or touch her, just uses her and gets rid of her. That really doesn’t make me feel a whole lot better.”
“I think this is what he’s been doing for a long time. You said he hasn’t been in a relationship in years.”
“He hasn’t. Anyway, we kind of came to an agreement. He doesn’t want me having sex with Mike, and he says he’s not going to touch any more skanks. He says he just wants to be with me. I made up my mind, Aim. I want to give him a chance. I’m going to put together a plan to leave Michael. I can’t just do it and leave today, though. I need to figure some stuff out first so I can get through this without freaking out.”
“Wow, Evelyn. It’s about time. I’m really proud of you.”
“I’m scared. I don’t know how I’m going to do this.”
“Evelyn, I’ll help you. You can do this. He’s trying, right?”
I sigh and rub my forehead. “He really is, Amy. I’m trying really hard to believe he’s not going to just play with me for a while and then skip out.”
“Give him some time. Remember, this is new for him, too. Do you think you’re going to move out?”
“I know, you’re right. And yes, eventually, I will need to find like a cheap studio apartment near the office.”
“Well, lemme ask Ryan tomorrow. He might know of some places.”
“That would be great, actually. Thanks.”
“I gotta run. I’ll call ya soon.”
Our conversation brought Storm’s messing around with Juggsy back into my mind. Just the idea of her putting her glossy lips on him makes me feel sick and furious. And jealous. Knowing he went from licking me to being sucked by her makes me want to scream. Knowing there wasn’t any feeling behind it for him doesn’t make it any better. I’m sure there were feelings there for her. I saw how she kept her eyes on him like an eagle.
And even worse? I’ve never given a blowjob. Ever. Ironically, it’s something Michael never pushed for.
I pull out my goal journal and scribble, I need a Blowjobs for Dummies. Stat.
Shit is getting real.
After dinner, Michael tells me he is going out of town for work again for a few days. Three, possibly four. For the first time, I am relieved and not mad or disappointed. I just nod at him and say okay.
I do some laundry and take a long shower, trying to stall bedtime. Sitting on the toilet lid, I check my phone for new messages. None. I want to send Storm one, but don’t want to seem clingy. I delete some junk emails then read a few pages of an ebook on my phone.
My phone beeps with a new message. Excited, I open up my messa
ge app. It’s not from Storm, but it’s just as good. It’s from Amy and it’s two photos of Storm and me. THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE THESE, she writes. Wow. We actually do look cute together. I’m so much shorter than he is, barely making it to his shoulder. He looks huge next to me. In the first one, he has his muscled arms around me and we’re both smiling at the camera. In the second one, we’re not looking at the camera. He’s bent down, his head resting against mine, and I’m turned into him, my hand on his chest. Amy took this without us knowing. It’s when he told me I looked beautiful. I love this picture. I forward them over to Storm.
I wait. I don’t want to leave the bathroom until I hear back from him.
I floss. I brush my teeth. I straighten the towels.
Beep.
Storm: Look at us.
Me: Amy just sent it to me. :)
Storm: I’ve been beaming all fucking day. Now this. The guys will think I’m mental smiling so much.
Me: LOL. I’ve been smiling, too. Every time I think of you.
Storm: Tell me it’s all the time or I will spank you.
Me: Yes, you’ve invaded my thoughts 24/7. Mission accomplished.
Storm: Legit. I knew I’d conquer your stubborn ass eventually :)
Me: Now you’ll be bored with me :/
Storm: No way, baby. I have lots in store for you.
Squee!!
Me: I’d better go. I just wanted to say goodnight and show the pix.
Storm: Where are you sleeping?
Shit.
Me: I’m not sure yet. I’m stalling in the bathroom right now, hoping he’ll be asleep when I get out.
Storm: How many times per week?
Me: What??
