by Carian Cole
He slams the lid of the suitcase and zips it quickly, then turns toward me, his forehead creasing. "The one who ditched you to move?”
"Yeah."
"Why the hell would you want to talk to him?"
"Because we broke up during a fight and never got to really talk again."
"So the fuck what?" His eyes scan the bedroom, making sure he's not forgetting anything in his rush to pack.
I fidget with my hair nervously, winding a few locks around my finger, surprised he's suddenly so angry. "Well, I never really got any closure or answers."
He stares at me with a dumbfounded expression. "Answers to what? He left. That's your answer."
"That's really harsh, Tal."
"That's really the truth, babe. Does he know you're married now?"
"I did mention that in my messages to him."
"Messages?" he repeats, emphasizing the s. "So you've been, like, chatting with this guy for a while now?"
"No, he messaged me today for the first time."
Sitting on the bed, he quickly kicks off his sneakers and pulls on his boots, shoving the laces inside under his feet instead of tying them. "I don't know what the hell you expect me to say or think here, Asia. I'm leaving in like ten minutes to go on a tour, you won't come with me even though Asher said it would be okay this time, and now you're telling me you want to go on a date with your ex? Who you were in love with? Because you want some kind of answers? I mean, what the fuck?"
He's pissed, and I suddenly realize he has every right to be. I don't know what the hell is going through my own head and why I thought this might be okay on any level. I just wanted a chance to hear why someone broke my heart so easily. I want to know why I didn't matter enough. I want to know why people can leave me all the time, and finally, I have someone who can give me an answer. That's all I want. Nothing else.
"It's not a date," I reply defensively. The thought of it being considered a date never even entered my mind.
He stands and grabs his suitcase and another large duffel bag. "Really? It kinda sounds that way to me. Is this why you don't want to come with me? Because of him?"
"No! I just told you I only heard from him today."
"How convenient." He pushes past me roughly and heads downstairs with me following after him in confusion. He's been somewhat agitated the past few days, but nothing like this.
"I don't want you to be mad at me." I grab his shoulder. "Please?"
"Mad doesn't even touch what I'm feeling right now. You have no fucking idea." He shrugs my hand off and won't even look at me.
"I'm sorry." Through the foyer window, I see the limo pulling up in front of the house. He notices too and shakes his head in frustration.
"Perfect fucking timing." He rubs his hand against the side of his head. "My head is killing me."
"Let me get you something for it…" I cross the foyer and enter the kitchen, grabbing him a few ibuprofen from the cabinet and a glass I fill with filtered water.
"You're getting a lot of headaches lately," I comment, handing the glass and pills to him.
"This crap from you isn't helping." He downs the pills and water and hands the glass back to me, seemingly oblivious to how I wince at the unexpected harshness of his words. "And I don't have time to hash this ex shit out with you right now. Do whatever you gotta do, okay? I don't own you. If you've got unresolved issues, then resolve them. I don't know what else to even say."
He picks up his bags again and opens the front door, leaving without saying good-bye. I watch him from the doorway, tempted to chase after him. I should. Instead, I watch him walk to the limo, his head tilted oddly to the side. A cold sense of dread comes over me, and it roots me to the doorway. I wave to him while tears fall down my cheeks as the limo backs out of the driveway. The tinted windows shadow him, not letting me see if he waved back.
I want to slap myself as I close the door behind me and stand in our beautiful foyer with my back leaning against the heavy wooden door.
What the hell was I thinking? Why did this seem like a totally acceptable idea until I actually verbalized it? Somehow I had rationalized and justified this idea of confronting Danny in my head in my desperate need to hold someone accountable for abandoning me without explanation. Instead, all I did is upset my husband and make him think I wanted to go on a date with another man while he was out of town.
Grabbing the house phone, I curl up on the couch and dial Kat's number, hoping she's home.
"Hey," she answers.
"Kat…" My voice cracks. "I think I messed up. Like bad."
"Uh-oh. That doesn't sound good at all. What's going on?"
"I'm a total idiot. Danny texted me this morning and asked if we could meet and talk—"
"Danny the Doofus?" she interrupts.
"Yes."
"What the hell does he want after all this time?"
"Exactly. That's what I wanted to know. He asked if I could meet him for coffee, and I kinda wanted to, just to get some answers out of him. I mean, he left. He never really gave me a reason why he wanted to end things."
"Because he's a jackass, that's why. End of story."
"Well, yeah. But for once, I wanted to hear someone tell me why they left me. That's all, Kat. I only wanted an explanation, to my face, as to why I’m so easy to leave."
"Oh, Asia," she says softly. "I know you feel that way, but honestly, it's not you. You’ve been surrounded by assholes your whole life. But now you have me and Talon and his family, and we all really care about you."
I choke as I start to cry. "I really pissed Talon off, Kat. He left for his tour without even saying good-bye. I've never seen him so mad and upset."
"Shit, Asia. You told him you were thinking of going to see Danny?"
"Yeah…"
"Why would you do that? You're married now. Of course, he's pissed. He loves you."
"He's never once said he loves me, Kat. Not once."
She sighs into the phone, and I can hear her pouring what is probably wine into a glass. "Trust me, girl. That man loves you. No words needed. Stop being so stupid."
"Christ, Kat. Thanks a lot."
"Sorry, but really. I'm gonna have to take his side on this one, and it's not because I don't love you—because I do. But you need a bitch-slap right now. You love him. He loves you. I don't care who did or didn't say it. It's obvious to everyone you guys are crazy for each other. You don't tell your husband you're going to see your ex. Ever. I can't believe you would even consider it. This is very unlike you. You finally have everything you've ever wanted. Who the hell cares what Danny has to say? He's a loser."
"I don't know. Like I said, I just wanted an answer. You don't know what it feels like, Kat. My entire family left me. And then Danny. I wanted someone to finally give me a reason. I don't want Danny back at all. I love Talon more than I ever thought possible. He drives me crazy, but I love him."
"Please, Asia. Let this stuff go. Forget Danny and his stupid reasons. It's not important. What is important is you have Talon in your life now, regardless of how he got there. And I don’t think he’s ever going to leave, even if he’s pissed off right now. Pull your head out of your ass, go take a nice bath, give him some time to cool off, and then call him and tell him you're sorry."
I take a deep breath and wipe at my face. "I'm going to. I hate that I made him so mad. Things were going really great. He hasn't been feeling well the past few days and that has him edgy, but other than that, we've been good."
"Do you need to talk to Dr. H? This sounds serious. Especially this abandonment you feel."
"No, I don't want to get her involved in this. Ugh. I hate this part of our relationship, having to tell someone else our personal problems. I'll put it in my journal, though. Hopefully, he won't mention this to her, either."
"Soon, this part will be over and you won't be under a microscope anymore. But, it's good you have someone to help you when you need it. Maybe all marriages should come with a counselor for the first six months."
"That's probably not a bad idea, actually. She has been helpful in some ways, to be honest. But this, I don't want to get into it with her. I know it was stupid of me, and I want to fix it with him myself."
"When is he coming home?"
"Not for like ten days. I'm going to miss him like crazy."
"Why didn't you go with him? I thought you said he asked if you could?"
"Well, I can't leave Pixie alone, and I hate to leave her with other people or a pet sitter. She gets all upset and sometimes stops eating, as you know. Plus, I have so many orders for soaps now, on top of those for custom clothes. It's taken off like you can't believe. The girls from Sugar Kiss all have me making their clothes now. I can't fill the orders if I'm on a bus with him, and I don't want all these projects piling up and getting behind. I'll lose credibility. Famous people aren't exactly patient. He was upset that I said no, though."
"I think everything will be fine once you apologize."
"I really hope so. We've never had a fight like this."
"Rob and I are narrowing down a date."
"Oh my God, finally?"
"Yup. Probably in the next six months."
"I thought you said you wanted to wait until you were thirty?"
"I did… But I think he's the one. So we're talking about maybe getting married next summer."
"Kat, I’m so incredibly happy for you. I really like Rob. He's perfect for you." I've liked Rob since the first day I met him. He's good-looking, has a great job, is an amazing single dad to his six-year-old son he has sole custody of, and treats Kat like a queen. He's definitely one of the good guys. "I think you two are going to be really happy together. And Mark loves you as if you are his own mother."
"Yeah, I was a little worried about getting involved with a single dad and becoming an instant mom, but I really love them both. You're going to be my maid of honor, so you better get mentally prepared for it."
"Gladly. I can't wait."
"I better run. We're meeting his parents for dinner actually, and I'm still sitting here in yoga pants. Are you okay? Do you think you can smooth this out with Talon?"
"I think so. I'm going to have to admit to him I was being totally stupid."
"If he needs a reference, have him call me."
"Ha-ha. Have a great night."
"You too, babe. Text me later and let me know if everything's okay."
After I end the call with Kat, I send Talon a text message.
Me: I'm so sorry. I'm not going to see him.
About ten minutes later I receive a reply.
Talon: You can do whatever you need to do.
Me: I didn't want to see him at all, I just wanted answers. I realize now it's not important. I don't know what I was thinking.
Talon: Me neither.
Me: I don't like you being mad at me when you're gone.
Talon: Why? Afraid I might see other women like you want to see other men?
Shit. He’s completely pissed off.
Me: Yes. That and because I miss you and I don't want us mad at each other. And I don't want to see other men.
Talon: It seems like you have some thinking to do. I made up my mind when I married you that I didn't want other women. Not to see, not to fuck, not to party with. I gave up all of it and I've never regretted it. Even when chicks throw themselves at me, I don't even consider it anymore. I walk away.
Me: That's totally different. He's someone I had a relationship with.
Talon: That makes it way fucking worse to me. You told me you loved him. Which BTW you've never said to me.
Oh, fuck. I can't tell him I love him now, not in the middle of this crap. He'll think I'm just saying it to appease him.
Me: That was a long time ago. I only wanted an explanation as to why he just left me. I don't have feelings for him. At all.
Silence.
Me: I only want you.
Talon: You've doubted that since our wedding day. To me it feels like maybe you still do.
Me: That's not true. And don't lay the beginning on me, both of us were confused in the beginning, but we got past it. Since then I have wanted only you in every way.
Talon: I can't do this shit in text messages. I'm getting on the bus in about twenty minutes. I think we need to take this time to think about things. I'll get in touch with you later.
Me: What does that mean?
A flood of panic and fear grips me, the impact of it nearly sucking the air from my lungs. Is he actually thinking of ending this? Just like that? Over one stupid thing I didn't even actually go through with?
You should have never even been thinking of it.
Talon: It means exactly what I said.
Me: You want to think about breaking up? Over this?
Talon: Don't push me when I'm mad and upset. I never expected this from you. I feel like you gutted me with one fucking sentence. I can't do this with doubt in my mind, or wondering if you have doubt. You've got my head and my heart all fucked up right now.
Fuck fuck fuck
Me: I hate this. Things were going so good.
Talon: No shit. I thought so too. I'm fucking wrecked.
Me: I'm sorry. Can we please just forget this?
Talon: Seriously, Asia? Would you be able to if I told you I wanted to see some chick from my past? We're MARRIED.
Me: Can you please call me before you get on the bus? I'm scared. I don't want to lose you and you're scaring me.
Talon: No. I can't do this. I have a show tonight and my brain feels like it's coming out of my skull. I need to calm down. Asher's giving me a valium for the bus ride. I'm going to sleep for a few hours.
Me: Valium? Why? You never take pills
Talon: He says I look fucked up and twitchy and I think he's right. Please let's just stop this for now. Make sure you put the security system on. I'm turning my phone off now.
Me: Please don't just leave things like this.
I don't receive a reply, and the screen doesn't indicate he read it.
My hand shakes as I continue to stare at the tiny screen, hoping the status will change to read or a reply will come through. Ten minutes later, neither of those things has happened, so he really must have turned his phone off. He never does that because he always wants to make sure I can get in touch with him. Now, with one stupid move on my part, that's changed.
I can't believe he's treating me this way, especially after I've forgiven him several times when he did stupid things. Why can't he do the same? Could he only tolerate me when I was doing everything right? One wrong move, and I'm shut out? Why is he being so unfair?
Anger attempts to take over my fear and sadness but loses. I can't be mad at him. My heart deflects that emotion when it comes to him.
I send Danny a text to at least end some of the guilt I feel.
Me: Thanks for the invite, but I'll pass. I appreciate you reaching out. Hope all is well.
I get off the couch and force myself to make what I need for my soap and lotion orders, hoping to keep my mind busy. Otherwise, I will sit here and stare at the wall and cry all day.
At dinner time, I send Talon another text.
Me: I just want you to know I'm thinking about you, and I'm sorry. I'm worried that you don't feel good. :(
Five minutes later, I get a reply.
Talon: It's probably a sinus or ear infection. I get them sometimes. Storm's got some antibiotics he gave me. I'm fine.
Me: I hate that we didn't get to say good-bye. :(
Talon: Me too
Me: Can you call me? I think we should talk.
Talon: I'm not ready to talk yet. I'm still really disappointed, hurt and pissed over this & I don't want to say things out of anger. I need to think.
Me: I wasn't going to cheat on you. Why are you being this way? You practically let some chick dry hump you in Boston and I forgave you. All I wanted to do was hear what he had to say.
Talon: I know that was wrong and I apologized. What bothers me is that you giv
e a fuck what that asshole has to say. What if he wants you back?
Me: He doesn't.
Talon: Seriously? Why else would he get in touch? Don't be naïve.
Me: I'm not going and I just want to forget this. I'm sorry I hurt you. You know I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose.
Talon: I just need to clear my head.
Every time he says that my stomach sinks. What does it mean? What is he thinking about? Why can't he let this go?
Me: I thought we said no more steps back?
Talon: We did. Telling me you want to go see your ex that you were in love with isn't exactly a step back. I feel like you pushed me off a cliff.
Me: I think you're taking it all wrong. I understand why you are, but I think you're misunderstanding the entire thing.
Talon: Please fucking stop. I can't do this anymore. Fuck. Please, my head hurts.
I start to cry reading his words on the screen. I don't understand why he's being so difficult with this. Was what I said so unforgivable? It's not like I did anything behind his back—I was totally honest and upfront with him. I shake my head and wipe at my eyes, not sure what to say that won't fuel his anger even more.
Talon: I have to go. We have a sound check. I'll get in touch tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Me: Ok… have a good night. I miss you xo
He doesn't reply, and I'm completely dumbfounded. My gut tells me something else is going on here he isn't letting me in on, because this behavior is so unlike him. He hates to fight. He hates distance between us just as much as I do. I rack my brain, trying to remember everything from the past few days, attempting to come up with a clue of some sort as to what's got him so twisted up. We haven't made love in two days, which is also unusual for him. Both nights he told me his head felt funny and he felt too tired. And then he fell asleep almost immediately, hugging me. Which I love, but it's odd for him. He's also been distracted. Several times in the past month, he's spaced out during a conversation and I've had to repeat myself. Maybe there's more stuff going on with the band he doesn't want to tell me about and he's stressed out by it all.
