by Carian Cole
Damn, her fire hasn't extinguished at all. It's admirable, though; she shouldn't let anyone walk all over her. Not even me.
"You're right. I fucked up."
"At least we agree on that." She opens the fridge. "Do you still like Italian dressing on your salad?"
I grab her arm and tug her out of the refrigerator, sliding my hand down her arm to hold her hand. "Let's forget about dinner for now, okay?"
"You said you came here to eat," she says defensively.
She tries to pull her hand from mine, but I hold on to it. "That's bullshit and we both know it. I'm here because we need to talk."
Her eyes flash even more anger at me. "I tried to talk to you, remember? You changed your number. Ask me how that felt."
I can’t imagine how much that must have hurt her. If she had done that to me—just cut me off like that—I would have lost whatever was left of my wacked-out mind.
"That was an asshole move on my part. All the meds were really fucking with my brain. I did and said a lot of things that weren't me. You had to see that yourself."
"You're right. I could see you changing, and I should’ve tried to get you help sooner."
"It's not your fault. And you did get me help. That doctor you found helped me tremendously. Look at me now. I'm much better now because of you. Thank you for doing that, especially when I didn't deserve it."
"No one deserves to be sick, Tal. I just wish we could’ve gotten you help sooner, before our marriage and your career were destroyed."
"My career is fine now. I'm happy with what I'm doing. It's our marriage I want to fix."
She looks at me like I have ten heads. "How do we fix this? I haven't seen you, or heard from you, in months. You dumped me then disappeared. You took the only home I ever had away from me. You tore my heart out and threw it away. You can't fix that, Talon."
My heart and ear both start to pound at the same time, the whoosh sound heightening with my stress. I take a few deep breaths like the doctor taught me. "You could let me try to fix it, Asia. Our home is waiting for you. So am I."
Her jaw tightens and her bottom lip quivers. "Tell me why you did it. Tell me why you had to join the rest of the assholes in my life that abandoned me."
I lock eyes with her, remembering how angry I was that day. "Fine. I saw you with another guy. So did Finn. That's why I hit him. I thought he was being his usual asshole self, but then when I left the shop, I saw you with my own fucking eyes, and something in my head just snapped. I’ve never felt like that before.”
She yanks her hand out of mine and spins in a circle, holding her head. "Are you serious?"
"Yes. He was hugging you. And when I got home, I saw your journal on your desk, and you wrote how you never would’ve fucking married me if you had a choice. And how much I changed when I got sick. And how Danny kept trying to get you back. It was all pretty clear to me, Asia, that I still wasn't what you wanted. I wasn’t myself, Aze. I don’t know if it was from the medication, or just from going insane from the noise in my head, but that wasn’t me. I jumped to crazy conclusions. I let you go, and it fucking killed me."
"That was my brother, Talon."
"I know that now. My mom had our journals. Asher got ahold of yours after I told him what happened, and he realized I only read half your fucking entry for that day. I never saw the rest of it until Asher showed it to me recently. I made a huge mistake.”
"I don't believe this," she says, shaking her head. "All this time, I've been trying to figure out what I did wrong. And it's all been over a stupid page in a diary and you seeing me with another guy? Why didn't you just ask me who he was? All of this shit could have been avoided."
My shoulders drop with guilt. "I don't know. I got it in my head you wanted someone else. I was in a rage. Again, I wasn't thinking straight at all. Everything in my head was amplified in a totally abnormal way.”
"You can say that again."
I reach for her again and she steps back away from me. "Asia, I'm sorry. I know it can never be enough, but I am sorry. I'd go back and undo it all if I could. I would do anything to change that day and leave that fucking office with you, finally go on our honeymoon, have a couple kids, and grow old together."
Tears start to fall down her face. "That was the plan, wasn't it?"
I trap her against the counter and put my arms on either side of her. I can't stand her constantly moving away from me. "That's still my plan. With you." I bend down and kiss the tears from her cheek.
"Tal…" Her hands go to my chest.
"Don't push me away," I say softly. "Let me hold you, please? I hate that you're hurting."
"You're the one who hurt me."
"I know that. But I'm also the one who can make it better again."
She chokes on her words and turns her head, new tears falling down her cheeks. "You broke my heart." The words barely make it out over her sobs, and they tear my own heart to pieces. I hate myself for hurting her.
Wrapping my arms around her, I hold her against my chest. "I'm going to make it better. I promise."
She lets me hold her, her body hesitantly relaxing into mine. "I don't know if I can ever trust you again."
I rub my thumb along her collarbone, noting how much thinner she is now. "Then I'll spend the rest of my life earning your trust again."
She turns her head and our lips brush against each other. When she doesn't pull away, I kiss her again, softly and barely touching her, an unspoken plea for a tiny amount of forgiveness. I move my hand slowly up her neck to caress her cheek, and her lips part slightly as her hand clutches my shoulder, pulling me to her. Time seems to stop around us as we kiss, losing ourselves in each other again, our touches saying everything that isn't being said with words.
After a few minutes, she pulls away, breathing heavily. "I can't do this, Talon. I'm not ready for this."
I find her lips again and rest my head against hers. "I waited once before. I'll do it again. I'll wait forever."
Her hand moves to touch my chest, bared through the V of my shirt. "I can't forget everything that happened between us."
"I don't expect you to. I'm just asking for a chance." I bow my head to kiss her neck, rubbing my nose along her ear. "You still smell so good, like cookies." I move my lips to her ear and she shivers. "God, I miss you and your cupcakes…"
A laugh erupts from her throat and she leans against my shoulder. "You and those damn cupcakes."
I pull away to look into her eyes, and she's still smiling. "What? I love your cupcakes."
"Do you know every time I was hoping you would finally say you love me, instead you asked for cupcakes?"
"I did?"
She nods and chews her lip. "You did."
"I didn't know that. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. It was funny after a while."
I kiss her again. "I love seeing you smile again. I’ve missed you so damn much."
She stares up into my eyes and pushes my hair behind my ear. "I miss you, too."
"I miss you more. Every day, every night. No matter what I'm doing, I'm thinking about you."
Her fingers move to the rings around my neck, twisting them around. "What are we going to do? We can't go back. We can't pretend it didn't happen. I can't do that."
"Can we start over? Make a new beginning? Last night was nice, just being us."
Doubt shadows her face. "Is that even possible? To just start over fresh?"
"I want to find out. Do you?"
She's quiet, mulling it around in her mind as she touches our wedding bands laying against my heart. Please say yes.
She sniffles and tilts her head up. "How would we do that? Start over?"
"I think I have some ideas." I kiss the tip of her nose. "I'll need you to trust me, just a little bit, to make this work. It will be fun, though. I promise."
She hesitates. "I don't know…"
"Trust me. Please. We’re gonna do things right this time."
She finally gives in. "Ok
ay. I'll try. But I can’t make you any promises, Talon. You’ve hurt me so much. I don’t know if I can get past it. I want to… but I just don’t know."
I lift her chin and kiss her lips. "I love you," I say, looking into her lavender eyes. "I'm going to leave now, but I'll see you soon. And if you think I'm acting weird, just go along with it, okay?"
She frowns. "What are you talking about? You're always kinda weird."
I press my finger to her lips. "Shh. Trust me on this. I'm going to make us the beginning we never had."
I hate leaving her, but I've got a plan.
I'm going to date my wife.
47
ASIA
TWO DAYS after Talon left my house so abruptly, he shows up at my kiosk in the mall, ignoring me while checking out the bath bombs. He picks up a few and brings them over to where I'm sitting on a stool by my register.
"What are you doing?" I ask, amused. Behind him, I can see three teen girls looking at him, most likely recognizing him, debating if they should approach him. They see me watching them and walk away.
"Just buying some of this bath stuff. I hear it's good. My name's Talon, by the way."
He hands me his credit card and I slowly take it from him, confused. "Did you hit your head again?"
Smiling, he shakes his head. "Nope. You're supposed to tell me your name, though."
For a minute, I think he's back on the meds and has lost his mind, and then I realize what he's doing. Laughing, I run his card through the machine. I can't believe he's doing this.
"My name is Asia." I hand him his card back and our fingers touch, sending a familiar tingle through my body.
"I gotta say, you've got the prettiest eyes I've ever seen. I bet you hear that about a hundred times a day, though, huh?"
"Actually, no. You're the first."
He grins and takes the bag of soaps from me. "I do have a confession."
"Okay…and that is?"
"I really don't take baths. But I saw you when I was over there buying my e-cigs, and I was like, ‘damn, that girl is beautiful, and I gotta go talk to her’."
"Oh, really?"
He nods, his long hair falling over his eyes. I want to reach out and push it back, like I’ve done a hundred times. "Do you think since I just bought a hundred bucks worth of soap, maybe I could get your phone number?"
I chew my lip skeptically. "I don't know… You're really not my type," I tease.
He groans and shakes his head again, laughing.
"Give me a chance, baby. I don't bite."
Playing along, I grab one of my business cards and write my cell number on the back. He takes it from me with a big smile, melting me. "I'll give you a buzz, maybe we could grab a bite to eat."
"Sure," I say noncommittally.
I wait for him to call, but he doesn't. Four days later, an unknown number calls my phone late at night, and I let myself fall into Talon's little plan. It actually is pretty perfect, because we missed out on the fun and excitement of dating and slowly getting to know each other in the normal way.
For our first date, he takes me to a movie, then drives me home and kisses me good-bye at my door.
Over the next few days, he sends me random, cute text messages and has flowers delivered to my house.
He makes me wait a few days before he calls again. And I sit by the phone, wondering if he’ll want to see me again. Hoping he will.
And when he finally calls, my heart jumps with excitement, and I tell him I'm busy and will call him in a few days. I don't want to seem too easy. He isn't expecting that, which makes it even more fun.
And he waits, hoping I’ll call. And I do.
We go for walks in the park and kiss in the grass. He buys me cotton candy and sticks it to my nose.
We sit on the phone for hours, talking about everything and nothing. He tells me how he's learning to read lips, and I didn't know that. We share our favorite childhood memories and learn we went to kindergarten together, before his family moved to a different town nearby. The crazy irony of it makes us both laugh, and that sparks a niggling memory in the back of my mind.
I have one box of things from my childhood. It holds the two toys I had as a little girl, a few pictures that were left after my mother moved out, my brother’s football, and the first Valentine's Day card I ever received—in kindergarten. Reaching into the box I pulled out of my closet, I find what I’m looking for, the red paper faded, the lacy edges yellowed. But there, in black crayon, are little-boy-scribbled words:
BE MINE.
Love,
Tally xo
TALON VALENTINE WAS my first valentine.
When I show it to him, his mouth falls open and he holds it gently in his hands. "Wow. I remember making this now. My mom told me how important it was to give it to the right girl. I guess she was right. I don’t even think I knew your name."
"No other boy gave me one, and I can’t believe I didn’t remember this when I found out your name the day of our wedding," I say, remembering how I coveted the card and hid it from my parents. "All the other little girls got a pile of them, but I just got this one, and I was so excited about it."
He pulls me into his arms. "I think the writing's on the wall, Aze. How can we deny a coincidence like this? It’s a sign that we belong together. We always have."
LATER, while we're lying on my couch, making out like teenagers, he pulls my shirt off for the first time since we started this little dating scenario. It was his decision this time that we not have sex until the time was right.
"You still feel so soft," he whispers. "I miss touching you so much."
"Have you touched anyone else? While we were apart?" I ask, not sure I want to hear the answer. I worried when I knew he was on tour, afraid he would start sleeping around again.
"No. No one."
I let out a sigh of relief. "Me either."
"I told you I only want you. I still mean that."
He tilts my head up toward him and kisses my lips softly, his hand caressing my cheek. I pull away slightly to look into his eyes; they're dark and emotional, searching mine. His hand moves behind my neck and pulls me back to him, and the floodgates open. Months of pent-up sadness, anger, desire, and love explode between us and we're kissing hungrily, moaning against each other’s mouths, our tongues wrestling, trying to kiss deeper. He pulls me onto his lap, straddling my legs over him, and runs his hands up and down my naked back, making me shiver beneath his touch. I can feel him between our clothes, hard and hot, and it's clouding my thoughts, making it hard to think straight and not just do. I don't think I can wait much longer to be with him in every way again.
He pulls away from me and has a serious expression on his face. "I think we've dated long enough. I want to move to the next step."
"Okay…" I try to catch my breath.
"I heard you never signed your divorce papers from your first marriage," he says.
"Oh. I don't think you signed yours, either."
"Well, that means neither one of us is technically single."
I nod slowly. "That's true."
"I think that might be a problem, actually."
My heart races. "Why is it a problem?"
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little box. "I'm not sure how I'm supposed to propose to you if you're already married. I think it violates some sort of law."
I clasp my hand over my mouth. "Oh, my God…"
He opens the box and pulls out a beautiful engagement ring, along with my wedding band.
"I never got to ask you to be my wife. And I need to know, before we go any further, if you'd say yes to me. Now that you know me and you know what you're getting into. And if you say yes, I'm taking you and Pixie home, and I'm gonna make love to you in our bed, in our fuckin' house we picked out together. I don't want to be apart anymore, and I don't want to play any more games, as fun as it's been. I want my wife back."
My heart feels like it’s grown wings. "Yes. My answer will always be y
es. I want you to take me home, where we belong."
He slides the rings onto my finger then pulls his own wedding band out of his pocket and hands it to me.
"You want to put this on me again, baby?"
"I do. And I don't want you to ever take it off again." I slide the band back onto his finger, over the tattoo of my name.
"Can I kiss my bride without her turning away from me this time?" he teases. I beat him to it, bringing my lips to his, kissing him like I should have on our wedding day.
"I love you," I whisper.
He brushes his thumb across my lip, smiling when I lightly bite it.
"Let's go home and plan our honeymoon. I'm not sleeping on the couch this time. And you're wearing your dress again so I can rip it off you. And I want the gardener belt again, and one of those lace teddy bear things. And the magic lip balm. I want all the good stuff this time."
I can't stop laughing at him as he rattles off his list.
"What do you want?" he asks. "Rose petals? Champagne? Name it, it's yours."
"Just you and your smile. Forever. That's all I want."
He smiles and kisses my lips. "Consider it yours, jelly bean."
And they lived happily ever after…
THE REAL TALON & ASIA
Once upon a time, I had a beautiful Norwegian Forest Cat, named Talon. I called him Tally or Tally-Ho for short, and he would always come running when I called him. Tally was a very regal kitty, with big, powerful paws, long, flowing fur, and a sweet, loving personality once he got to know you. When he was in an extra good mood, he would trill at me, like he was singing, and it was a beautiful, unique sound.
He loved to sit by the window and watch the leaves blow by and also steal the straws out of my iced coffee and hide them in the basement. I had to pretend I didn't know he was going to do this, because it wasn't fun if I just let him do it. :)
One day, I brought a little white, blue-eyed Birman kitten home. I named her Asia.
Talon wasn't happy about this at all at first and completely ignored her. He took all the kitten toys away from her and hid them in the basement with the rest of his treasures.
