The knock on the door interrupted our conversation, and I jogged over to answer it. Adam was standing there looking incredibly handsome and very uncomfortable in his navy-blue suit. I found myself really liking how the emerald pattern in his tie brought out his eyes. After pushing his glasses up on his nose where they’d slid down from the sweat, he waved at my dad, who had come up behind me.
“Hey, Dr. Schreiber,” Adam said, and he look excited enough to bounce out of his recently shined shoes.
“Congratulations, Adam,” Richard said with a smile, shaking Adam’s hand. “Your mother must be very proud of you today.”
“She is. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so happy,” Adam told him, and his own smile lit up the room. I found myself unable to look away.
“Ready?” he asked me, his voice softer and gentler. I told him I was and grabbed the pepper spray Richard had picked up for me that morning. I wished I could say it wasn’t necessary, but I was going to the high school of the boys who had allegedly killed another gay boy. Richard was being careful, and I appreciated it.
“I have my cell phone. I’ll check in if I’m going to be later than I expect,” I told Richard, and he nodded, his eyes not leaving me until I closed the door behind me.
“You don’t have to come, Brian. Believe me, I’ll understand. I couldn’t…. I don’t think I could live with myself if something happened to you at my graduation. Coming with me, you might as well paint a target on your back. They’ve all pretty much figured out what I am.”
“I’m not afraid, Adam. I’m taking the pepper spray to make my dad feel better. If we live our lives in fear, then we’ll never really live.”
“Well said,” a woman’s voice said from behind me. I turned to find a very pretty and slender woman standing next to a perfectly restored cherry-red Ford Mustang. Her eyes were the same brilliant green as Adam’s, but her long hair was more red than his light brown.
“Mom, this is Brian. Brian, this is my mom, Olivia Jennings,” Adam said, and the reverence in his tone was unmistakable. This woman was the most important person in his world. I was glad I had started by making a good impression.
“It’s really nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Jennings,” I told her honestly. Adam and I had been friends for months now, but I’d never had the opportunity to meet his mom.
“Call me Olivia, Brian, and it’s great to finally meet you too. Adam talks about you all—”
“Mom,” Adam said, blushing and trying to steer her toward the car. She laughed, and I tried unsuccessfully to hide my chuckle as well.
“All good things, of course. That’s what I was going to say, honey,” she placated him while winking at me over his shoulder. I climbed in the back of the car, knowing this was going to be a very interesting day.
“Mom restored this car herself. Isn’t it amazing?” Adam asked over the back of his seat. Looking around, I couldn’t help but agree. The car must have been forty years old, but the interior looked brand new, and the ride was surprisingly smooth.
“It really is,” I told him. “I don’t know anything about cars, including how to drive one.”
“You know, I’ve wondered about that. Is there a reason you haven’t gotten your license?” Adam asked, turning right around in the seat to look at me.
I shrugged. “I never asked my parents. I figured they had enough to deal with without the hassle of teaching me and the expense of putting me on their insurance. To be honest, I was just happy to have a stable home.” I saw Adam’s mom look at me in the mirror with sadness in her eyes.
“Well, I’ll teach you,” Adam said with determination. “I turned eighteen in January. I should be qualified, right?” he asked, turning to his mother, who smirked at him.
“Actually, you need to be twenty-one,” she told him, and then she looked at me again. “Brian, you really should learn how to drive if you’re going off to college in the fall. You never know when you’re going to get into a tight spot.”
“I’ll talk to my parents about it,” I said noncommittally.
It didn’t take long to get to Dalton High School, which appeared to be a little smaller than Crayford. The ceremony was set up on the football field even though it was an overcast day, and there was a hint of rain in the air. Looking around cautiously, I didn’t see anyone I knew.
“I need to go; we’re meeting over by the locker rooms,” Adam said, looking around and taking in the barely contained pandemonium of the parents and students trying to figure out where they should be.
“Okay, darlin’, we’re going to go find seats, and we’ll meet up with you afterward,” his mother said. When he didn’t move, she added, “I won’t let anything happen to him.” With a nod, he gave me a brief smile and started walking in the same direction as the rest of the students around the football field toward the building.
His mom and I headed over to the bleachers and found a spot relatively close to the fifty-yard line, where the school had erected a stage. We climbed about halfway up toward the top of the stands and slid into two seats at the end of a row. The stands were relatively empty, with most of the parents still straightening neckties for their sons or pinning on their daughters’ caps.
“I’m really glad Adam found such a good friend,” his mother said suddenly, and I turned from the swelling crowd to look at her. Sadness consumed her deep green eyes. “It took me days to even get him out of his bedroom when Raymond was murdered. He was so angry—at the men who killed him, at the police, at God, and at himself. Of course, he blamed himself because he was supposed to be with Raymond that day but came down with the flu and had to stay home. It didn’t matter that had they been together, they probably would both be dead.” At that, her face took on a haunted look.
“It wasn’t him, and soon he’s going to get away from here, to a bigger city where he may be safer,” I told her, trying to alleviate some of her justified fear. “Not to mention that Adam is a formidable karate student. He wouldn’t be easy to beat in a fight.”
“I know that, but it wasn’t just his physical safety I was worried about. It was always something in the back of my mind when I looked at Adam, but when he went into high school, I knew. I knew long before he told me. While there are bigots and hateful people, he’ll always struggle; you both will. It’s not that I’m ashamed of who he is, it’s just not the path I would have chosen for him. Do you understand what I mean?” she asked, and her voice was soft, almost pleading.
“I do understand. I doubt this would have been the path I chose for myself, but it’s not something that can be chosen,” I told her, and she nodded.
“I had to talk him out of his bedroom after the murder, when all I wanted to do was tell him to stay in there and hide so that nothing happened to him. I think he sensed my fear, and that’s why he signed up at the dojo, for my peace of mind. Adam is such a caring boy, a nurturer, just like his father. He’s so much like James, in so many ways. When he was a kid, he was always the listener when other people had problems.” She turned to watch as the students started to file out and take their seats on the rows of chairs set up on the field. My eyes found Adam almost immediately, and I’m sure his mother’s did as well.
“He’s taken care of me all of his life, just as much as I take care of him,” she said quietly, and then the ceremony started and put an end to our conversation.
We both watched as my closest friend graduated from high school with a resounding cheer.
25
THE DAY of my eighteenth birthday, Adam took me to a small water park near his house in Dalton. It was a great day, but we were both starting to get edgy, trudging through that last two weeks before we packed up and left for college. When we got back to my house, an envelope lay on my bed that had not been there when we’d left that morning.
Reaching down for it slowly, I stared at it, and my chest tightened. Adam turned and looked at the bed too, his body becoming rigid when he saw the envelope. It was a white business envelope, and as I got close
r, my eyes flickered briefly on the logo in the upper-left corner.
The Sunshine Center.
All I really had eyes for, however, was the address and the handwriting.
It was Jamie’s.
My hands started to shake, and I thought my legs might actually fail as I stood there staring at the envelope like it was a ticking bomb. Making no move toward the bed, I merely stood there, locked, almost rooted to the carpeting. My fingers twitched in an effort to grab the letter, but I just couldn’t make myself move.
“Do you want me to open it?” Adam asked quietly and took a step towards the bed.
“No! Don’t touch it!” I cried, and he flinched back. It was from Jamie, and no one was touching it but me. It didn’t matter that dozens of hands had already been on it in order to get it to where it lay. They were not Adam. For all our friendly time spent together, I trusted no one with a message from Jamie.
The paper felt smooth and cool in my fingers when I finally picked the envelope up. Running my fingers over each of the scripted letters in my name, I felt the smooth surface of the paper interrupted by deep grooves made by his pen. Jamie had made them. He had held that envelope in his hands, and he had written each of those letters. I knew that because I’d seen nearly six years of his homework assignments. I’d know his perfectly symmetrical Bs anywhere.
Careful not to damage the envelope more than I had to, I slid one side of a pair of scissors under the flap, slicing it open. It contained a single sheet of loose-leaf notebook paper, which I removed like it was a page from the original Gutenberg Bible. After unfolding it, I started to read.
Brian,
My heart is breaking because I cannot tell you this in person, but for right now that just isn’t an option. Even though thousands of miles separate us, please know that I have thought of you and ached for you every single day.
Each minute that I am in this place, a small immeasurable part of me dies because of the mistakes I have made, mistakes that led to me losing you. That is past now, so I’ll come to what I have to say so you may get this in time for your birthday.
I love you, Brian. I love you with everything I am, but more than anything I want for me, I want you to be happy. You told me on that rainy day, the day that nearly destroyed me, that you would find me. As much as I want you, as much as I need you, I cannot be that selfish. You should do what is best for you. Go to college, fall in love, have a career, and be happy. If you truly love me, you will do that for me because I cannot stand the thought of you being unhappy. You are so important to me.
I’m leaving today, now that you are eighteen, and I don’t know where I will end up. No matter where I go, I will be able to survive knowing that you are happy and you are safe.
Forever yours in every way,
Jamie
The sob tore from my throat as I fell back onto the bed. Go to college? Fall in love? What the hell was he talking about? He was giving up, on me, on us.
He’s giving up because you almost gave up on him, because you’re the one that applied to college and got your life all set up without him. You deserve to be alone.
Nonononono…. The shock, the grief, was overwhelming, and I found it hard to breathe. I didn’t understand what mistakes he thought he’d made, or how he could think that I could just be happy without him, like he’d never been there. All of a sudden, the room was too small and the walls were too close. I gripped the letter tightly in my hand, afraid to let it go, afraid it would disappear. The pain radiated through me, centered deep in my chest.
“Brian? Baby, can you hear me?” Adam was asking from some distance. He called me baby; Jamie was supposed to call me baby. I’d let another guy just step right into Jamie’s place, tried to fill the jagged hole in my chest, in my heart, with another warm body. My stomach lurched, and I thought I might be sick.
I held one hand up, silently pleading with him to give me a moment, or space, anything so I could come to terms with what I’d read. Closing my eyes and breathing deeply for the count of ten, I looked at the letter again. He’d thought about me every day since he’d left. He loved me. He wanted me to be happy. He couldn’t be selfish, and he couldn’t stand me being unhappy because of him. The letter was his way of giving me an out. He must have known that I’d be indecisive, that I’d have doubts. Jamie was the most selfless person I’d ever known, and this was his way of putting my needs before his.
He needed me.
I didn’t understand what he meant by “each day I am in this place” or “I’m leaving today now that you’re eighteen.” He was obviously not with his parents. Random options as to where he was shot through my head—a juvenile facility, a homeless shelter, a foster home. Jamie had turned eighteen months ago, so some of those weren’t likely. It would make it that much harder for me to find him because I had always assumed he’d be with his parents, and if I could find them, I could find him. I turned the envelope over again and saw the logo on the front. The Sunshine Center. The logo also had a return address in San Diego.
Setting the letter carefully on my pillow, I jumped off the bed, striding past a stunned-looking Adam, and pulled a large canvas duffel out of the closet. I threw it onto the bed, careful not to let it land on the letter, and set my school backpack next to it. Next, I started to empty my drawers. I could only take the essentials. I had to stay mobile. In my peripheral vision, I saw Adam walk over to the bed and pick up the letter. It didn’t matter now—everything was so clear, I knew what I needed to do.
I continued to pack as he read.
“Brian, wait a minute. This letter says he wants you to go to college, to have a life, not to go chasing after him. Brian, stop!” Adam grabbed my arm as I grabbed another stack of underwear from the drawer and shoved it roughly into the duffel.
“Get off me! I should have left already! I need to go.” I pulled my arm roughly out of his grasp. He didn’t understand.
“Brian!” Adam yelled, his voice breaking, and I dropped the bundle of T-shirts I was pushing into the duffel and turned to face him.
“What?” Knowing I’d have the rest of the night to sort out what I needed to do, I gave him my full attention. Adam had been my friend, my very best friend, for months and deserved for me to hear him out.
“You can’t do this,” he pleaded with me, and the fear, the desperation in his voice triggered my own guilt and insecurity. It was crazy, I knew that, but he just didn’t understand.
“Listen to me.” I let him take my hand and pull me to sit on the bed next to him. “Brian, he said that even he didn’t know where he was going to go. You could get there and he may not even be in the same state. Wouldn’t it be better to stay here, be here when he tries to contact you again?”
I had my answer ready. “No, it isn’t. First, I can be there in a matter of days, probably before he would be able to get out of state, if that’s even where he wanted to go. Second, if he tries to contact me again, my parents would get it, and they can call to relay the information. I understand you read in the letter that he’s giving up and trying to let me have a life without him, but I know him, Adam. I know him better than I know myself. He’s desperate and he’s scared.”
“What happens when you get there? He’s desperate and scared. What do you think you’re going to be after your money runs out? How are you going to help him?” Throwing his hands up in the air, he stood up and started to pace. As I watched him, it occurred to me that he really thought he’d be able to talk me out of going.
“Adam, I’m in love with him. I care about him more than I care about myself. If he’s in trouble, I have to go. I can’t go off to college and have a nice life knowing I just gave up on him, on us.”
Adam turned around and stared at the ceiling, and I could tell by his posture that he was trying not to let his emotions get the best of him. He didn’t want to cry in front of me.
“I can’t stand here and watch you destroy your life. Give me a call tomorrow,” he said.
“I’ll be gone t
omorrow.”
He finally lost his battle, turning to lock his tearful gaze with my steady one.
“I love you, Brian. Please… please don’t go.”
I guess I should have seen it coming, but I hadn’t.
“I can’t, Adam. I have to go. He’s my best friend.” Adam flinched as if I had slapped him. It stung for him to hear that, but it was something he needed to know. Without another word, he turned and walked out of my bedroom. I stood there for several long minutes, hearing him slam the front door, start his car, and leave. Consoling myself that it was something that needed to happen, I finished packing and then went to find Richard and Carolyn.
Richard took the news much better than Carolyn, but neither of them took it well.
“Brian, I know you feel strongly that this is something that you have to do, but I wouldn’t be much of a father if I didn’t tell you that I think you’re making a mistake. We will stand by you, because we love you, but you should stay here and go to college, get a better foundation before you go looking for Jamie. I know you love him, I do, but this is the wrong way to go about it,” Richard said as the three of us sat at the kitchen table. They had both read the letter, and I had told them of my decision to leave for California the next day.
“You’re throwing away your future, and Jamie expressly said in his letter that he didn’t want that,” Carolyn reasoned, but I stood firm.
“I’m sorry, but I have to go. He was there for me in a time of my life when I needed him, and now I need to be there for him. I’m going to go upstairs now and print out the bus schedule, a list of jobs to apply for, and some rooms to rent. Can you take me to the bus station tomorrow?” Carolyn looked like she would say no, just as a reason to keep me here, but Richard nodded. He understood what it meant to move halfway across the country for someone you loved. After all, he’d done it himself to be with Carolyn.
Choices(Waiting for Forever BK 1) Page 30
