by Jason Jauron
I was a bad person who was being punished.
Parents.
He opened another beer, cracked his back.
They never prepared me. They never let me know it could happen.
“It’s fucking genetic mom,” blurted Jed.
The room was empty; Rebecca was off visiting the john.
They never let me know it was a possibility. They never talked with me about it. Even though it was all over my mom’s family tree. There was no sympathy. There was no support. How the fuck was I suppose to handle the transformation? I mean, you never once noticed how red, raw, and repulsive I had become? What about my behavior at home during breaks? How I avoided mirrors. Tried to get out of going to church. Never visited my old high school friends. Just stayed in the basement or my room and slept. Those weren’t huge fucking neon warning signs advertising my misery? I was ashamed. But still, no hugs, no help.
Jed got up, started pacing. He was letting his hands and feet burn some energy. He was fortunate no other patrons were in the lounge.
My dad picked me up at college on a Friday morning and drove me to an appointment with Money. He said a total of 12 fucking words to me during the two-hour drive. He never asked me about my longer-than-hell hair, my jeans with all the holes, or how I lost 20 pounds during the semester. But after I left Money’s office and returned to the car, my face was a swollen, discolored, oozing mess. My eyes were red. My spirit was dead.
Jed shuddered. His self-control was drowning in the alcohol. This little episode was turning into quite the quiet soliloquy.
And he drove me back to school. Not home. Home was 30 minutes away. He drove me back to fucking college. And about 25 minutes into the trip, I started crying. I begged him to take me home. I didn’t want anyone at college to see me like this. Just let me recuperate at home. He never said a word. He just kept driving. I started to become irate. The last place on Earth I wanted to be at that moment was a state college where all the boys and girls were having fun drinking and fucking. I had an empty room waiting for me. I had a mirror waiting to reflect my self-mutilation. I had a pillow cover waiting to be stained from my acne and topical creams. I had bad thoughts waiting to tease, taunt me. I had a rosary waiting to be used.
He was crying hard now.
Patty I can’t be free. Why did you have to betray me?
Rebecca strolled back into the lounge and went about the business of closing up.
And I turned to my dad and said, “Please take me home.” He said nothing. He just kept driving. I couldn’t believe it. I told him, “I just don’t want anyone to see me like this. Can’t I just stay at home this weekend?” He just kept driving. I was crying my eyes out. I remember yelling at him, “Who is going to love me dad? Who is ever going to fall in love with me!” He said nothing. I started yelling random shit like “I look like hell. And it ain’t going away. How the hell am I suppose to live like this!” He never said a word. I eventually fell asleep. He woke me up in front of my dorm. I got out of the car and never looked back.
Patty’s father.
That Nancy boy deserves a knuckle sandwich.
He grabbed a napkin, wiped his eyes. He spotted Rebecca locking the register.
“Rebecca, stop for a moment and listen,” he pleaded in a demanding sort of way.
She looked him over, chronologically noting the changes in appearance, mood throughout the evening. The fun-loving, cute, clever, flirty Jed was gone. Dark and depressed Jed was standing in front of her now.
She sighed, motioned him over.
“It’s her dad’s fault,” he blurted. “He abused her as a child, and Patty never really got over it. It’s too long a story, but I will see her father tomorrow. What do you suggest I do?”
Rebecca looked down, reflected.
Jed immediately felt anxious - like he was in the drive-thru lane at McDonald’s and the car in front of him had a driver who was a rambling, babbling, questioning son-of-a-bitch who should have known what he fucking wanted to order ahead of time but instead the fucker acts like he has never the fuck been to a McDonalds.
Jed went through the McDonald’s drive thru because he wanted instant gratification.
Just like he does now.
But instead of honking, giving the finger. He just repeats.
“So what do you think?”
She rolled her eyes.
“It’s a loaded question Jed.”
“Not really. I just want your opinion.”
She lowered her voice.
“I think you need some rest.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin.
“Rest?”
He spun around in a circle several times.
“The abusive father of my ex-fiancé will be sitting just a couple of feet away from me tomorrow. Tell me what to do!”
She motioned him to calm down.
“I want to hurt him,” rambled Jed.
She shook her head.
“I don’t think that’s what Jesus wants you to do Jed.”
He turned his back to her.
Now she plays the religion card?
Rebecca stepped forward, calmly explained.
“One original idea that Jesus introduced to the world was love thy enemy. This is an opportunity for you to live your faith Jed.”
Jed flashed her his constipated look.
She shrugged.
“Okay, maybe you are right. Go hurt the bastard.”
He grinned.
Suddenly hugged her.
“Thank you,” he breathed.
“Jed, let me ask you a question.”
He took a step back.
“Hasn’t there ever been another girl you were attracted to?”
Lauren Drake.
The summer before I met Patty.
Jed nodded.
“See, other loves are out there waiting for you.”
He paused, shrugged it off.
“Thanks for everything,” he said before running out of the lounge.
39.
“Diet Coke is love.”
Message written near the mailboxes in a sorority house two weeks before spring break.
Midnight
Back in his room, he grabbed his last few beers from the fridge. He found his writing from earlier; along with the pen he’d thrown.
He sat on the bed, took some deep breaths to calm himself.
He took off his shoes, socks.
Unbuttoned his shirt.
He figured the best way to finish his thoughts was to free associate.
And finish the beer.
We didn’t have an ordinary life Patty. It was no ordinary life. Why couldn’t you trust me enough to let me help you? I don’t get it. I was always there. You knew I was head over heels for you. What did you want from me? Our relationship?
He opened a bottle.
I remember all those times you told me that you loved me. Was it real Patty? How can you love someone and then betray them? Why did you betray me? I thought we had discovered something, something precious. Something life-changing. I never hurt you. I couldn’t hurt you. I was in love. Love doesn’t cause pain. Love is strength. Love is courage. Love is trust. Love is truth. Love is forever.
He popped another top.
But I guess I couldn’t give you what you needed. Whatever that was. It still bothers me. Not knowing what it was you needed that I couldn’t give. Cause I thought I was giving you the best of me. Everyday, in every way, the best of me. I thought what we had was real. Now I guess I don’t know what “real” is. I don’t know what “love” is. I would have died for you. We could’ve had it all – home, kids. I just know I still love you. But that love for you is starting to consume, contaminate me. My feelings for you are a poison. My feelings for you taint all my experiences. But it’s hard to let you go. And in some ways I feel guilty trying. I don’t want to forget what we had or degrade it in any way. But us, how it ended, and what happened to you, is a burden that gets heavier each day. A
nd my shoulders are weary to keep carrying the load. And, though you wouldn’t like it, everyone keeps telling me I can’t live in the past. My parents, friends, colleagues. Everyone keeps telling me to let go of all our memories. That I have to move on. That our love wasn’t meant to be. But it’s hard to do that. I feel at times like an addict. I still need you Patty.
He reached for the final beer.
But always know that my feelings for you were true, and that I’ll never forget you. Maybe I’ll even see you in heaven, that is, if I make the list. But I have to move on. Whatever that means. Wherever that leads.
Tomorrow is the last time I will see your face. The lump in my throat, my watery eyes, let you know our time together no one can replace. I was crazy in love, and I remember each embrace, in that little house we shared, back when it wasn’t such a haunted place. I pledged you my love, I bought you a ring, our future seemed certain, till you did that bad thing. I now understand, but I cannot forgive, that you did love me, but you had to die just to be able to live.
He put the pen down, closed his eyes.
Said his final, personal goodbye.
He found his suitcase, opened it, and pulled out the ring.
He slid open a drawer, picked up the Bible.
He flipped through the pages until he found it. Jed placed the ring over Matthew 19:4, slowly shut the book, and gently placed it back in the drawer.
40.
12:30am
After undressing, he went through his routine - his mental checklist - to ensure he was ready to go the next morning.
He set two alarms, turned off the lights and crawled under the sheets.
He lay on his back, quietly masturbated – he relived the first night he spent with Patty.
41.
1am
After undressing, James McGuire grabbed one of the many cheap towels from the bathroom and sat on the edge of his motel bed.
With the lights still on, he noisily jerked off into the towel. He was reliving the last time he had fucked his daughter – he surprised her late one Friday night after Patty had gotten home from the Homecoming Dance at the middle school.
42.
3am
REM sleep.
Jed was having a bad dream.
***
It was Sunday - a little after two in the morning. The bars had just closed, and Jed was carefully guiding his Ford through campus traffic. A full moon had been his driving companion for the last hour or so. He was minutes from the house he and Patty shared.
Jed was hoping Patty was still awake after a long night out with the ladies. Several of her girlfriends had decided to celebrate her recent engagement to Jed with a “crazy girls’ night out.” Jed liked the idea. He was spending Saturday at his parent’s home - visiting, discussing early wedding ideas.
But at this very moment he was horny. He had spent the last 25 miles imagining different sexual scenarios. And he figured his dick at that moment was hard enough to shatter even bulletproof glass.
So as he opened the door to the home they rented, adrenaline started to flow. As he tiptoed through the kitchen, he could hear voices.
Good. At least I don’t have to worry about waking anybody up.
He walked up to the sink, turned on the small light above. He washed his hands, dried them.
A finger tapped his shoulder.
He just about shit his pants.
He turned.
Shook his fists at Linda.
“What the hell was that for?” he muttered in a low voice. “You scared me shitless.”
Linda was one of two young women who rented the house along with Jed and Patty. She was a neat freak who was addicted to indoor tanning beds.
“What the hell are you doing up at this hour Linda?” “Shouldn’t you be passed out or something?”
He grinned, took a few steps toward the stairs that led to the room he shared with Patty.
“Don’t go up there Jed,” Linda said in a tone that gave him the impression something was up. “Sit down on the couch in the living room with me. I have something I have to tell you, something important.”
But I am so horny right now. Why the fuck can’t this wait?
As he made his way to the couch, he took a long breath.
Just be a friend and listen to her Jed. Maybe she had a major fight with her boyfriend and needed a man’s perspective. Maybe she’s having money issues. Holy shit. Maybe she’s pregnant.
Linda felt uneasy. She did not know how to begin.
“So, how did your visit go today?”
He rolled his eyes.
Just be a nice guy and answer her question.
“It went well,” he began, feigning excitement. “I’m glad I went because my mom had all these questions about color combinations, stationery, and food. And of course, I had no clue on how to answer any of them. Besides, I told them Patty has some ideas of her own.”
Linda flashed Jed a weak smile.
He patted her knee and joked, “Thanks for the enthusiasm.”
She was clueless on how to break the news.
So she just spilled the beans.
“Jed, Patty is upstairs with another man.”
“The love I thought you shared with me…
“You gave away to another, how can that be?…
“The kind of moments that only lovers should share…
“You took for granted, like you didn’t care…
“But what hurts the most, is you knew what I’d do…
“And still you did it, now I only have goodbyes for you.”
Jed Darby, handwritten note to Patty, two weeks after, 1987
He immediately stood up, started pacing.
Linda spent the next few minutes trying as delicately as possible to explain what was happening.
“Shit Jed, I can’t believe it either,” she whispered. “She did nothing to hide the guy from me. I mean she comes home shit-faced and loud. I come out of my room to find out about the noise, and she introduces him to me. What the fuck? Then they head upstairs to your room.”
Linda started crying.
She always liked Jed. He was funny, smart, and polite. She never really understood what he saw in Patty. Linda felt Patty was a conniving bitch who was just using Jed.
But now she was just mad at herself.
“I’m so sorry Jed,” she sobbed. “I never really liked Patty that much. I should have said something to you earlier.”
Jed just kind of waved her off.
His body was in fight or flight.
His mind was rationalizing.
His heart was breaking.
After more minutes of watching Jed circle the room like a vulture, Linda blurted, “Go spend the night at a friends house. Better to wait until tomorrow before you confront her.”
He waved her off again.
She stood up, tried to hug him.
He brushed her off.
“I am going upstairs for a few minutes,” he said calmly. “Relax, there is not going to be a fight.”
As he approached the stairs, he was conflicted.
I have to do this.
His first step was firmly planted, loud.
I have to see. I have to look in her eyes.
Steps two and three were equally as loud. He was trudging slowly, deliberately. He was creating as many squeaks, squawks, and sighs from those stairs as possible.
He was making sure Patty could hear him.
Let them be doing anything but that. Anything but that and I will take her back. Cause she’s obviously drunk as a skunk.
Another loud step.
Anything but that.
Like.
Kissing.
Snuggling.
Groping.
Dry humping.
Grinding.
Soft-petting.
Soft-core.
Two steps later.
He could hear music.
Anything but that.
Like.
Heavy pet
ting.
Blue balls.
Finger-banging.
Hand-job.
Blowjob.
Reach around.
Rim-job.
Another heavy step.
He could hear people.
Noises.
Anything but that.
Like.
69.
Tittie-fuck.
Skull fuck.
Anything.
The final step.
He could hear it all.
Anything.
But fucking.
He reached the top of the stairs.
Jed was damn near hyperventilating.
He felt light-headed, tingly all over.
He knew what was behind door #1.
But still, he turned the handle.
She didn’t even fucking bother to lock the door?
The door swung open.
He saw it.
His body slumped.
“Jed, get out!” Patty screamed. She was on her stomach, ass high in the air. “Can’t you see I’m busy getting fucked?”
He just stared at her.
Jed saw anger, despair.
As he allowed his gaze to widen, and he saw the truth, each pelvic thrust into Patty was a blade into Jed’s heart.
Everything from that moment on happened quickly. Yet Jed did not move a muscle – as if his body was in suspended animation.
Patty screamed again.
She gestured at him.
The young man stopped thrusting.
He pulled out.
Ran at Jed.
Pushed him back.
Shut the door.
43.
As Jed sat up, got control of his breath, he turned and checked the time.
Fuck. It’s too early to be awake.
He shook his head.
He still could not find inner peace.
He still could not find closure.
That early Sunday morning had changed his life forever.
