by S. L. Hebert
“How long ago did they go missing?”
“Many years ago. The youngest male happens to be one of the missing persons reports he was able to find. His mother is in a retirement home in Florida. She apparently moved after divorcing the boy’s father.”
“What about the other two he found?”
“The two other men were obviously older, but a little far apart in age from each other, which is most likely why they didn’t tie them together, even though they went missing only six months apart from each other.”
“Still, Logan, this is a small town where everybody knows everybody. How often do people just start going missing? If you ask me, I still think it’s incompetence on the department’s part.”
“I don’t know, Grasso. Your father managed to keep his family hidden from most of the public, and very successfully I might add.”
“I’m truly starting to think people tend to see only what they want to see.”
“Well, think what you will. I, on the other hand, would like to go downstairs and talk with your mother a little bit while you pack up your things. Then whenever you’re ready, we can leave.”
“I think she’d like that. When I left her, she was going to check on the kitchen staff.”
“Great. I’ll be back in a little while.”
I purposely kept the conversation light with Grasso, not wanting to get into any type of discussion about last night. I’m tired of babying him, and besides, I can barely handle my own feeling, much less someone else’s.
As I reach the bottom of the stairs, I do a quick scan of the parlor and entryway, making sure Abigaila isn’t around, then head towards the kitchen. Just as Grasso said, I find her speaking with one of the wait staff right inside the entry doors. It takes her only a few seconds to spot me and give me a slight nod, letting me know she’ll be with me in a moment.
I proceed to wait a second or two longer until she glances at me again, then I point in the direction of the back-patio door, silently letting her know where I’ll be waiting. She gives me a pleasant smile, and I head outside.
While waiting on the back patio, I begin to take in the grandness of the old plantation, causing me to think about how I’m going to miss the tranquility of this place after we leave. I’m almost willing to bet money I’ll be wishing I was back here, tucked away in solitude, before long.
Sitting in silence, my train of thought is broken by the sound of the screen door opening. I look back to see Abigaila approaching me with a smile of genuine kindness on her face.
“Good morning, Logan. I hope you had a good night’s rest last night.”
“It was good. How are you this morning, Mrs. Messana?”
“I’m okay, dear. I had a nice talk with Michael this morning, and we managed to clear the air about our feelings towards each other.”
“I figured as much. I want you to know I wasn’t trying to be rude this morning by not coming down. I figured it was best if I stayed out of the way, in hopes the two of you could talk in private. It was my way of not intruding.”
“Well, I appreciate that, and to be frank with you, I questioned my son about the tiredness that’s well-worn on his face. He informed me that he’s okay and there’s nothing to worry about. I know he’s grown, but I hope there’s nothing I should be worried about.”
“No, ma’am. I’m not sure what he told you. I just needed some time to myself to try and sort things out. It’s complicated and rather hard to explain.”
“No worries. Before you leave today, Logan, I want you to know I’ve been where you are, and it’s a lonely road to travel on. I will not pry into your personal life. I would only like to tell you that if you ever need to talk, my door is always open.”
I know her words are sincere, prompting me to say, “Since you’ve brought it up, may I ask you a question?”
“Anything, child. I’m glad to help any way I can.”
“How did you move forward after everything that happened to you?”
“You must first understand, Logan, there is no right or wrong way to try and move forward. Nor is there a time limit on how fast you move. To put it in simple terms, it’s all up to you. Only you can decide what your pace is going to be with moving on with your life. I had no choice. I was alone and had to learn on my own how to accept what had happened to me.
“What I found is that it’s just like walking. First, you must make the choice to fight to get back your life and mental stability. No matter how much it pains you – and trust me, it’s going to feel like the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do – you carefully put one foot in front of the other and make the decision not to look back. Because if you do, it will start trying to suck you back in to your black hole of anguish and despair. The object is to understand you are still the same person on the inside, even though you bear the scars on the outside.”
Taking a moment to allow what she’s telling me to sink in, I unthinkingly say in almost a whisper, “I was damaged long before John ever got ahold of me. I haven’t been sure of who I am for a long time…you see, I don’t know who I’m trying to go back and be like; it’s all so complicated. I’m starting to understand he was right; I am lost and have been for as long as I can remember.”
“I’ve had no inkling of this, Logan. I’ve watched you for almost two months, and I can only tell you what I see. I don’t look at you and see a broken soul. When I look at you, I’m fully aware that we carry the same scars, but more than that, I see a fighter. A girl who was willing to sacrifice her own flesh in the hopes of saving my son and yourself. That was a gutsy move you chose to do in the barn on that dreadful night. And although I’m not entirely sure what it is you’ve been running from all these years or what John hopes to learn from you, what I do know is that it takes a strong, courageous person to walk into a lion’s den knowing they may not come out. You did it that night at the barn, you’ve willingly chose to do it again once you make it back home, and although you’ve never said anything, I’m sure you’ve walked through many other lions’ dens in your past. To me, when I look at you, all I see is your strength and courage.”
With her eyes watering, she continues. “Hold on to the strength you carry, Logan, and never surrender it to anyone, not even my son. It’s your shield, and if you start to feel weak, all you need to do is dig deep and find it. It can never truly be lost, for it is a trait you were born with and has helped you survive all these years. Do you understand what I’m saying, dear?”
For a few moments, I allow the tears to silently stream down my face before answering, “I believe so…I need you to know, Miss Messana, our conversations have meant more to me than you’ll ever really know. You’re living proof that somehow, I’ll go on and not only survive my horrible experiences but thrive on them. I must figure out a way to use it to my advantage.”
“I have every confidence in you, Logan. I know when the time comes, you’ll instinctively prevail.”
I allow all our words to linger in the air, letting the warmth from the looming silence and mutual understanding comfort me in my moment of weakness.
Michael
She left! She just left, with no form of discussion about last night, nothing. Sitting here now, having finished packing up my bags, I contemplate how to handle it all. My mind can’t seem to think of anything else but her, consuming my every thought and emotion. It’s turned into a never-ending roller coaster ride I can’t seem to get off. I told my birth mother I could handle it, but I’m not even convinced of that. Every fiber of my being wants to be with her, yearning to be needed by her. She, on the other hand, seems to be sure her only option is to push me farther away, leaving me no other choice but to adhere to her.
As I manage to salvage what little composure I have left, I head downstairs to see if she’s almost ready to go back home. Everything in me tells me her agreeing to meet with my brother is another nightmare waiting to happen. She claims she’s ready to see him; now my only option is to wait in the wings and watch it all unfold
. I pray when everything is said and done, she isn’t left winding out of control in a drunken bender tailspin.
I find my mother and Logan on the back patio, sitting in silence, almost as if they’re simultaneously deep in thought. Neither of them takes notice of me at first. It isn’t until I purposely drag the back of my heel on the floor that my mother turns her attention in my direction.
“Hello, son. Did you manage to finish packing up all your things?”
“Yes. What are you two ladies doing out here?”
With a bland look on her face, Logan finally speaks up, “Oh, we were just talking girl talk.”
The cool tone in her voice instantly lets me know she’s lying, but due to the growing tension between us, I decide it’s best to leave it alone. Instinctively, I turn my attention back towards my mother, leaving Logan to remain sulking in her own thoughts.
In the most compassionate tone I can muster, I continue talking with my mother.
“It won’t be long now, Mother, before we’ll be leaving to go back to Houma.”
“I know. If you’d like, I can have one of the staff bring down you and Logan’s luggage?”
“That would be great, if it’s not too much trouble.”
With a swift glance of my eyes, I manage to catch Logan’s attention. She finally injects herself into the conversation. “Yes, Miss Messana, that would be much appreciated.”
“Fine, then it’s settled. If you two will excuse me, I’ll go have that taken care of for you. It’s the least I can do.”
Quietly, Logan and I sit and watch as my mother turns and walks inside. I wait until the door is fully closed, then flatly say to Logan, “I take it I must have walked in on a pretty deep discussion you and my mother were having.”
Blandly, she replies, “I’m not sure if you’d call it deep, but it was something we needed to discuss – and before you ask, yes, it was personal, and no, I don’t want to talk about it.”
Sensing her foul mood, I shut down the conversation and turn it in a different direction.
“I’m ready to leave whenever you are, Logan.”
“I guess now is as good a time as any, Michael. As it is, I’m not into long, drawn out goodbyes and all the mushy stuff that goes along with it, so let’s get this show on the road. I’ve been wanting to be home since yesterday.”
Hearing the hint of sarcasm in her voice, I don’t even allow myself to give a response. I blatantly turn without waiting on her and head inside to tell my mother goodbye.
As I’m walking past the kitchen doors, I’m met by the elderly gentleman who originally greeted us on our first day here, along with a younger boy in his teenage years. In a deep southern voice, I hear him ever so gently ask, “May I have your keys, sir?”
Reaching in my pocket, I pull out my keys, saying, “Yes, of course. Thank you for helping us with our bags.”
“It’s no problem at all, sir. It’s our pleasure.”
I can’t help letting my stare linger as I watch him, and the young boy exit the back door, heading to our car. I can feel someone approaching behind me and turn to see my mother, patiently waiting to receive my attention.
Unsure of what to say, I begin to ramble, “I’ve been dreading this moment all morning long. It seems to have come upon us rather quickly.”
“Please don’t fret, son, and don’t look at this as goodbye. Look at it as a beginning of many more visits to come in the future.”
“You are ever the optimist, Mother. It’s one of your many strengths I’ve come to admire. It was my pleasure to have been able to get to know you.”
“No, son, the pleasure was all mine. I will cherish it for the rest of my life.
The sound of the back-door closing intrudes our moment. We both look up to see Logan walking toward us, wearing an almost pleasant smile.
Before she’s fully approached us, she begins speaking. “Miss Abigaila, I would just like to tell you again how thankful I am for everything you’ve done for us. I’m sure Michael and I will be back at some point to visit.”
“No need to keep thanking me, Logan. It was my pleasure. You are welcome back any time you’d like. I don’t want to draw out this goodbye and turn it into a tear festival. Let us say our goodbyes and know it’s not the end; only the beginning.”
On that note, she embraces Logan in an affectionate hug, then turns and does the same with me, only mine seems to last a few moments longer. The feeling of her placing her arms around me and holding me is something I’ll hold near and dear to me for the rest of my life. It’s my first real hug from my birth mother, and it’s everything I’d hoped it would be. Warm and tender, with just the right amount of sturdiness and strength. The type of hug that lets me know not only does she love me, she’ll protect me if needed, at any cost. My realizations begin to roll in like waves off the ocean as tears begin to fill my eyes. It takes everything in me to hold all the sudden, overwhelming emotions in.
She somehow knowingly pulls away from me as I try to maintain control over all the emotions that have been bottled up inside me for so long. Logan steps in, saying, “Well, the time has come for us to get on the road. I’m sure everyone is waiting for us to get back home.”
“She’s right, dear. You really need to get going. Please drive safely, and when you get a moment after getting back, give me a call and let me know y’all made it home safely.”
“Will do, Mother. Be sure to take care of yourself.”
Saying goodbye to my birthmother was harder than I ever could have imagined. In the last two months, we’ve bonded in a way that almost seems unreal to me. All my life, I figured she was just a woman who ended up pregnant and didn’t want to have to raise a child. It never dawned on me that she was doing it to save me.
I’ve been driving for a while now in total silence. I find myself not even questioning it, for I know it’s because we’re both trying to process everything going on in our own lives. She’s surely sitting in the passenger seat, contemplating what’s going to happen once we arrive back home. I’m sure the thought of dealing with the sheriff and the lieutenant is right up on the top of her list, along with her coming face to face with my brother.
There will be an overabundance of things to do in just a little while. No one has bothered to mention how the climate is back home. Before we left and high tailed it to Franklin, Logan and the sheriff had gotten into a hot and heavy disagreement, to put it mildly, and she threw him out of her apartment. On the sheriff’s way out, he told her once the killer was caught and it was over, they would resume the discussion. I’ve a bad feeling that when they do come face to face, it’s not going to be pretty.
Glancing over now, feeling a sense of dread for Logan, I see she’s steadily looking out the passenger window, and I become aware she hasn’t touched the radio once. Looking ahead, I see our exit sign coming up on us. In bold letters, it shows exit 311, Houma. Knowing we only have a little longer, I decide to try and broach the subject of my brother with Logan.
Proceeding with extreme caution, I hesitantly ask, “Logan, once we’re in town, where would you like to go first?”
She doesn’t answer at first; it’s seems she’s contemplating her decision in her head.
“I think you should take me to my apartment and drop me off.”
“I’m not trying to overstep, Logan, but I need to ask what you’re planning on doing?”
“It’s rather simple, Michael. I’m going to go home, unpack, and take a long shower in the comforts of my own home. Then I’ll put a call in to the lieutenant and see what I am and am not allowed to do. I’m quite certain I’ll have to have a meeting with he and the sheriff before they’ll allow me to even sit back at my desk. I haven’t forgotten what all went down before we left town, and I’m sure they haven’t either.”
“I get you want your space right now to be alone, Logan. Just know that I have no problem being by your side when you go deal with the sheriff and the lieutenant. We did go through the whole ordeal together, an
d even though you think you can handle John on your own, I’m still your partner. That is, unless you’re planning on requesting otherwise?”
“No, Michael, I’m not planning on trading you in. Besides, last time I checked, you were the one who was put in my position as lead detective. Right now, I have no idea where I stand on the investigation team. The only bargaining chip I have is your brother and his request to see me and only me. I plan to use this chip to my full advantage to save my ass and keep me on the case.”
“Honestly, I expect nothing less from you. You must do what you need to do for the sake of staying on the case. I’m all for it and will help you in whatever way I can, Logan. I just needed you to know this. I may not like you having to go toe to toe with my brother, but you started this case, and I feel you should be allowed to see it through to the end.”
“As for me, I’m going to drop you off at your apartment, then I’m going to go straight into the office and meet with the lieutenant. I’ll also speak with everyone who’s now involved in the case and make sure I’m able to update you on everything that’s been going on in our absence. The last thing I want is for you to go into an interview room with my brother and be blindsided.”
“Why do you continue to do that, Michael?”
“Do what, Logan?”
“Feel the need to look out for me?”
“It’s like I’ve told you before, Logan, you are my partner. Whether we’re more than friends or not is irrelevant. I meant it when I said you could trust me and I have your back. I hope one day you realize this. It sure would make things a lot easier between us.”
With my words lingering in the air, she gives no reply, remaining mute for the last few minutes of our ride. I assume this is her way of throwing up her walls and letting me know where I stand. Hell, she could have at least said thank you.
