“I’m tired, Jamie. Please, give me a break.” I put my hand up to avoid looking at him; I know that doing so will inevitably make me vulnerable.
“We have to talk,” he says, walking towards me.
“I know we do, but I’m exhausted and I won’t be able to fend off your subtle attacks. I don’t want to make any more mistakes any time soon. I’ve made way too many lately.”
“I don’t understand you…” he says angrily, shaking his head.
“There’s nothing to understand.”
“Why do you want to live in self-denial?”
“I’m happy, I’m not in denial at all!”
The sound of my own voice isn’t very convincing, even to me. How can I make him understand how I feel?
“You’re doing it again!” he exclaims.
“Doing what?”
“You’re running away. You run away every time things get a little serious. You run away before you get too involved. Why? Why are you so afraid of me?”
“I just don’t want to get hurt. I have trusted a man before who said that he loved me and I won’t do it again. I can’t help it, it’s self-defence.” My own voice sounds like that of another person now. I’m so silly – why would I ever admit my weaknesses so easily?
“Who are you talking about?”
“You know who!”
“If you’re talking about your father, he never wanted to betray you. He wanted to free you from an unwelcome burden – he thought that you liked working with books and that you wouldn’t be happy working for the company. He knew that just because he cared so much about his company didn’t necessarily mean that you would too. That’s why he gave you a list of book shops that night, during our dinner.”
“How could you know what my father was thinking?”
“I know, Ashley. I do. Nathan would talk about you all day long”
“You’re lying.”
“Why would I lie to you?”
“Why wouldn’t you?”
“Because I love you, Ash. I love you.” Jamie walks towards me again and firmly takes my hand. Now I just want to stop arguing and let him hug me.
“That can’t be true. Dad said clearly that he would only leave Morgan & Hall to somebody who would be able to do a good job. I wasted five years of my life because of that. I wanted to show him that I deserved his trust and that I was capable of doing his job. I wanted to make him proud of me… but it didn’t work the way I wanted. He died and now you have what he loved the most.”
“Ashley…” Jamie whispers, releasing my hand.
“Are we done with this conversation, now? It doesn’t matter what I feel for you, it’s nothing to do with anything, because I can’t trust you. It was just a mistake – let’s leave it.” I repeat defiantly, then I head to the stairs.
“It wasn’t a mistake,” he mutters. He always contradicts me so I was expecting him to say that. I let him get away with it and lock myself in my room. I’m safe, here, even if being away from him is the last thing I really want right now.
*
“Did you talk then?” Elly distracts me from the papers I’m reading this morning.
“You betrayed me!” I say, keeping my eyes on the papers.
“No,” she replies. “I’m your best friend and everything I do for you is for your own good.”
“Of course it is.”
“Yes, and I’m still convinced that I did the right thing.”
“No, Elly. You didn’t. I’ve already got enough problems, you just helped make them worse – I don’t know how to get out of them now.”
“You don’t have to get out of anything, you must take advantage of them. You’re never going to find anyone else like Jamie. Gosh, Ashley! The man of your dreams lives in your apartment with you and you’re still fighting it.”
“Jamie isn’t the man of my dreams,” I snap back. Elly doesn’t have any idea of how moody and exasperating he can be sometimes. He’s full of annoying qualities.
“He’s the perfect man for you – my theory is confirmed now!” she exclaims proudly.
“Are you still on about your theory? What’s it all about?”
“According to my theory, you’ve always been in love with Jamie but you never realised – or at least, you’ve always been afraid to admit it to yourself. That’s why you never paid much attention to other men – they just weren’t Jamie!”
“I’m not in love with Jamie.”
“Oh yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not in love with him. He’s attractive, sure, but no more than that,” I concede. I’m not ready to admit anything like that… yet, the taste of his kisses is so sweet that I can’t help but think that I’m in love. How worrying.
“You’ve never been able to distinguish physical from emotional attraction,” she adds immediately. It’s never a good idea to let anyone get to know you so well, because there will always be a time when the friendship will backfire. “You’ve met other guys in the last few years and you’ve never been attracted to any of them.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Martin, for example – he’s a handsome man and I enjoyed going out on a date with him. He was definitely an attractive guy,” I retort.
“Oh yes, he’s definitely attractive, but you only went out with him once and more to forget Jamie than anything else. You didn’t even sleep with Martin, but you did with Jamie,” Elly says out loud.
“Elly!!” I reprimand her immediately. “We have a presentation and a grand opening tomorrow afternoon – can we just focus on those and stop saying embarrassing things?” We finally managed to reach an agreement with Mr Purfoy and Jass was so happy that he decided to open the book bar tomorrow, after Martin’s book presentation. It would be good if Elly didn’t forget about it.
“Of course, as you wish,” Elly says sarcastically, getting back to her work. At least Elly knows when it’s time to stop being ridiculous, even if I’m not sure that I’m going to forgive her for letting Jamie into the book shop anytime soon.
*
“Well done, girls, excellent work! I’m proud of you! Now enjoy the evening and get some well deserved rest – it’s the big day tomorrow!” Jass exclaims proudly.
“Thanks, Jass!” Elly replies happily.
“Roger that,” I say to him and then I click my heels together like a military salute. Jass smiles and wraps himself in his horrible dark brown coat. How can Kate let him go out like that? Love is blind, I guess, or at least that’s what they always say, so I shouldn’t be surprised.
“I’ll see you tomorrow – 9 o’clock sharp please!” he reminds us seriously, then waits for us to confirm we have heard him. Once Jass has left the book shop, Elly and I walk towards the underground together.
“Do you think it’s going to snow tomorrow?” Elly asks and then shivers visibly.
“I don’t know, I didn’t look at the weather forecast but I hope that it won’t. Not a lot of people will turn up for a book presentation and a grand opening if it snows.”
“And Jasper will be disappointed.”
Jasper isn’t easy to be around when he’s disappointed and generally negative, but I’m positive that everything will go well tomorrow.
Elly stops a few steps away from the entrance to the underground.
“What?” I ask her.
Her eyes are illuminated by an unusual light and she’s staring at an indefinite point in front of her. It takes me a few seconds to understand what’s making her so happy and then I finally understand – Alex is standing in front of the entrance to the underground, leaning against the railings. Before he sees us, Elly begins to run towards him and hugs him passionately.
“You waited for me!” she exclaims, still hugging him tight.
“That was my plan!” Alex answers, returning the hug.
“Hey, Alex!” I greet him with a smile.
“Ashley, how are you?”
“I’m fine, thanks. Everything seems to be going perfectly between you two
!” Alex lowers his eyes, slightly embarrassed and then looks proudly at Elly. I’m a little jealous of my friend right now, but at the same time I’m genuinely happy for them. I knew that they were made for one another.
“Yes, everything’s going well – Alex is the perfect man for me, just like somebody is the perfect man for you!” Elly says looking at me, then she winks. Alex looks at me, visibly intrigued – Elly will never change!
“Who is it? You don’t tell me anything, Ashley!” Alex complains.
“Nobody,” I say defensively. This conversation is becoming very uncomfortable.
“Nobody? Come on, you can’t kid me!” Alex shouldn’t be so interested in my private life – maybe he just wants to distract our attention from him.
“It’s freezing cold, I’d better go home now,” I desperately try to get away from them.
“Yeah, your man is waiting for you at home!”
“Elly!”
“Jamie? You’re talking about Jamie?” Alex opens his eyes wide, looking visibly alarmed. His expression reminds me of the time he ran away from the apartment, terrified by him.
“Yeah, don’t you think that he’s perfect for Ashley?” Elly asks annoyingly.
“I don’t know… he’s a scary man,” he says uncertainly.
“He’s not scary, he’s perfect for Ashley!” Elly insists defiantly.
“Erm, I’m still here, guys.” It’s not fun seeing them argue over something so personal in my life.
“Don’t listen to Alex, he doesn’t understand men. Go to Jamie. I’m sure he’s looking forward to seeing you.”
“Shut her up, please.” I beg Alex jokingly – he still looks shocked by the news. “Don’t believe everything that Elly says. I’m going home not because Jamie lives there but because it’s freezing cold and tomorrow is going to be a long day. I can’t get sick now.” I explain, trying to sound professional. I think Elly and I have become too close recently and it’s partly my fault that she feels comfortable saying ridiculously embarrassing things out loud now. I know that she’s only saying them to Alex – one of my oldest and closest friends – but it’s still very embarrassing and inappropriate. It doesn’t matter whether she’s right or wrong – she doesn’t have any right to do that to me!
I wish I was as confident as her, instead I’m always troubled by doubts and indecision. Why does everything have to be so complicated all the time? I wish Jamie didn’t make me feel so damn happy. I hate everything. I just wanted to get my apartment back, I wanted to live my own life without problems and troubles and yet what did I get? Half the apartment, half the company, Jamie and an uncontrollable feeling that bothers me every single day. It couldn’t get any worse than this, I think, as I make my way to the apartment.
“Greetings, Miss Morgan,” Gregory welcomes me mechanically.
“Good evening, Gregory,” I reply then I press the button to call the lift. At least Gregory never asks personal questions – he’s one of the few discreet people around these days.
As I unlock the front door, I realise that I’m vaguely impatient to see Jamie – this emotion troubles me even more. How did I let myself get this involved? How did I not realise? No, this can’t be happening. I must be tired and I must be imagining things – that’s the reason, I’m sure. I could never fall in love with Jamie, it can’t happen!
“I’m back!” I greet him as usual. The apartment is immersed in darkness, it’s cold and there’s no inviting food smells coming from the kitchen. A quick, scary thought crosses my mind – has he moved out? I turn on the living room lights in shock, I throw my coat and bag on the sofa and then I run upstairs. I open – almost yank open – the door to his room. The lights in there are off. I turn them on, overwhelmed by a strange and unexpected wave of anxiety. Nobody is in the room, but his clothes are still there. His wardrobe is still full, his toothbrush is still in the bathroom. I breathe a sigh of relief, even if I don’t feel completely relieved. I feared that he was gone for a moment and the fear that this could happen hasn’t gone yet. What’s wrong with me? I thought that coming back to an empty apartment would be my greatest desire and yet it feels like a disaster.
I turn off the lights and close the door to his room. Did I really fall for him? Has it really happened? I’m so scared of the idea that I’m struggling to breathe.
I stride through the living room without thinking and head to the terrace, leaning over the hanging garden. The air outside is freezing cold but I don’t notice – I go and sit on the yellow swing where I used to like reading books when I was little. The plants are very well kept even if Robert hasn’t been around for weeks. When Dad died, so did my access to his bank account and I could never afford a gardener with my job. I was expecting to find dead plants and grasses, yellow leaves and desolation.
I look around without thinking of much, waiting for my heartbeat to slow down to a normal pace. I don’t want to wonder about my feelings for Jamie, I don’t like being unable to control my emotions and I don’t know how to react to them. I lose track of time and I begin to swing back and forth, back and forth. The movement soothes me a little.
“Ashley.”
Jamie’s voice makes me jump. My peace of mind didn’t last long. “What are you doing here?”
He crosses the garden towards me, and stops in front of the swing.
“It’s freezing!” Jamie says.
“I’m not cold.”
“You’re shaking like a leaf!” He takes his sweater off and puts it round my shoulders. He sits next to me, slowing down the swinging movement. It doesn’t matter any more – I don’t like swinging with him. I fix the sweater on my shoulders, it’s warm and it has his scent.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, kindly but firmly.
“I’m just thinking, that’s all.”
“What were you thinking?”
“It’s an important day tomorrow, I was just thinking about what needs doing.” I lie, trying my best not to think about how beautiful he is right now. Jamie gives me one of his penetrating looks – his eyes seem even darker in the garden at night.
“Martin Goodwin will present his new book tomorrow, right?”
I’m surprised that he’s remembered this, but I don’t want to know why.
“I want to go and see him.”
“Why would you?”
“Martin Goodwin is one of Anthony’s favourite authors, my best pal, remember?” Jamie smiles a little while he looks at me.
“I never had the pleasure of meeting him.” That’s one of the few true statements I’m making tonight – I’ve never met his best friend. Texting him from Jamie’s phone isn’t quite the same.
“I was going to go with him tomorrow.”
“The presentation is at 6 p.m., you’ll be at work then.”
“I did extra today, I’ll be able to finish earlier tomorrow,” he replies calmly.
“Right.” I’m amazed, but I can’t think that he’s doing it for me, I have to control my emotions. “Do what you want, just don’t get in the way of our work.”
“How could I?”
“I don’t know and I don’t want to know, so just don’t even think about it.”
“I’ll do my best,” he replies cheerfully. I expected that kind of answer from him. “Let’s go back inside now, you’ll get sick if you stay out here any longer and I don’t want to go to the presentation without you.”
Jamie stands up and stretches his hand out to me, I hold onto it and try to ignore its warmth, which contrasts with my own frozen fingers.
“I’ll cook something hot for you, you’re freezing.”
If only he knew how warm my heart feels right now!
19
The book shop is packed and it’s only 3 p.m. – very unusual for this time of day, Martin Goodwin’s book presentation is definitely a big attraction. Our boss arrived before Elly and I this morning. He wanted to supervise the preparation of the book bar with Mr Purfoy until midday. I must admit that although the chef is an e
ccentric man, he’s a finger food genius – he has prepared hundreds of dishes, each one different in colour and shape. He has created both sweet and savoury dishes, as well as fruit recipes in an overwhelmingly large number of combinations.
Of course, Jass demanded that the whole team, seven of us in total, excluding Mr Purfoy, were present today – Jass, me, Elly, Denise, Kristine, Drew and Evan. Kate also showed up an hour ago, she’s wearing a green suit which doesn’t go well with her skin colour; it gives her a smart, happy – but perhaps slightly ill – look. She said that she wanted to be here today because Jass has told her a lot about the writer. Elly and I are aware that she came just because she wants to be with Jass. It’s obvious that she loves him to bits – she looks enthusiastic about the event even though these things are regular occurrences for them both.
*
The morning was a bit frantic and only calmed down once the bar was ready. For a moment, I thought that I was going crazy – how can a book attract so many people?
“Okay, that’s it, we’re done.” Elly says happily, after she has arranged the last folding chair.
“I’m exhausted and we haven’t even started yet,” I mutter wearily.
“Is Jamie coming?” Elly asks innocently.
“Yeah… apparently his best friend wants to come to the presentation and he’s coming with him.” I try to look impassive as I speak.
“You think he’s coming for his best pal, huh?”
“Yeah, that’s what he said.”
“Oh, you’re so naïve, darling!”
“Just because I believe what Jamie says and I don’t try to read between the lines?”
“No, just because you don’t understand the signals – to be fair, he’s way more straightforward than you are.”
“I don’t like stereotypes, I never believed in them.” I don’t think Elly is any better than me at reading men. It’s a good thing for her that Alex is an open book!
“Oh, there he is!” she exclaims suddenly.
“Who? I turn round anxiously in the direction Elly is looking and I see Alex. What a disappointment!
The Inheritance: A feisty, giggle-inducing romance Page 21
