by Cate Kendall
Fi leaned towards Jess. ‘So you win for bringing the hottest date. Nick scrubs up a treat out of his stubbies and singlet.’
‘I wouldn’t mind seeing Nick out of his stubbies and singlet,’ Cat boomed as she stood to top up the champagne flutes. Everyone pealed with laughter, imagining the conservative Cat ogling a naked Nick Johnson.
Jess squirmed; the one thing she didn’t want to talk about right now was Nick. For two hours she’d been reliving the moment of their kiss, and feeling alternately horrified and thrilled. What had she been she thinking? Luckily no one seemed to have noticed.
‘He’s an odd one, that Nick Johnson,’ Fi said. ‘I really like him – have done ever since we bought down here – but that whole first marriage thing has an air of mystery about it.’
‘Nick’s been married?’ Pip squeaked in wide-eyed thrall at the unexpected gossip. Pip and her former AFL-playing husband had only bought their property two years earlier, and she was still catching up on the community news.
‘Yes, to his childhood sweetheart apparently, wasn’t it?’ Tori asked, turning to Jess for clarification.
Jess blushed, mortified to have to even think about Nick, let alone fuel gossip about him. ‘Well, I wouldn’t say childhood sweetheart. She went to high school with us. Her name was Imogen.’
‘Ooh,’ said Pip, ‘what happened?’
Jess wanted to close the topic. ‘I’m not sure. People break up all the time, for all sorts of reasons. Who wants nibbles?’ She waved at the waiter who was walking past with a tray of mini hot dogs. The women all shook their heads, except Cat who took three.
‘Oh, it was massive!’ Fi said, oblivious to Jess’s scowl. ‘She was apparently madly in love with him and then they lost their baby when it was only four weeks old and then he walked out on her just six months later.
‘No!’ Several members of the audience gasped and leaned forward in their seats.
‘It was a very difficult time for both of them,’ Jess murmured. ‘I don’t think it’s up to us to judge.’ But no one was listening. It was frightfully dreary to have facts get in the way of a good story.
‘She was devastated apparently, DEVASTATED,’ Fi said, warming up to her tale. ‘So distraught she had to move away.’
‘Her parents moved to Adelaide so she decided to go with them,’ Jess interjected on behalf of her friend. ‘It wasn’t all Nick, you know. You can’t put all the blame on him,’ she added crossly.
‘Well why did he leave his wife, then?’ Pip asked. Jess kept her mouth shut and stared into the bushes as if to indicate she wasn’t prepared to spill the beans. The group turned to Fi.
‘Fi, why did he leave Imogen?’
‘Well, that’s the best bit – and the worst bit,’ Fi paused dramatically. ‘Apparently he was having an affair!’
The group gasped and turned as one to Jess to verify this scandalous allegation.
‘That’s not true!’ Jess cried, determined to defend Nick. ‘He would never do something like that.’
‘Sorry, love,’ Fi said, and patted Jess on the knee. ‘I know you think the world of him, but my sister-in-law is friends with Imogen’s cousin; isn’t it a small world? Anyhoo, she heard it from the horse’s mouth, so to speak. She found out that he was seeing another woman and that’s why she finally left him.’
Bile surged in Jess’s throat. She couldn’t believe it. Maybe she’d been wrong about Nick. She ran her fingers lightly over her lips. Maybe the kiss was just a bit of fun for him. Damn him.
22
‘Hello, is that I.G. Homes? Yes, I am just phoning to confirm an appointment that I have with your draftsman for tomorrow morning. Yes, at the property known as Springforth.
‘I just need to change the time. The tenant is vacating the property shortly so I’ll call you next week when I know which day is free.
‘Thank you. Goodbye.’
23
Jess checked her reflection in the rear-view mirror. She held both hands across her stomach in an attempt to quell the butterflies that were fluttering inside her.
She was parked in front of the renovated cottage in Williamstown. The boys were inside and expecting her. It was surreal, she couldn’t believe it was finally happening after she’d waited so long.
The drive to town that morning had seemed interminable. She was abuzz at seeing her boys but also completely rattled by the news she’d heard about Nick at the party two nights before.
Was it really true? Had Nick been having an affair? Was that why he left his wife just after their baby had died? It was too awful to be true. But he was a shocking flirt; maybe it was possible that he screwed around on Imogen.
But how could he? Driving along, she had shaken her head. Not Nick. Jess trusted him. He wasn’t one of those guys; she knew it in her gut. But clearly she was no judge of men. Look at Graham. She would have sworn he was a decent man with integrity and character. So who was she to judge? Maybe she was blind to Nick too? He certainly enjoyed flirting; maybe there was more to it than harmless fun. Well, she was going to protect herself. No more Miss Innocent. As she had driven further from Stumpy Gully and closer to the city, her buzzing brain was soon distracted by thoughts of her boys.
It was over twelve months since she’d seen Callum and Liam. A year since that awful Christmas Day when Graham had put the suitcases, presents and boys in the car and had driven off. Just like that.
That day, Jess had stood and watched the plumes of dust rise from the Saab’s tyres and felt as if she’d been in a car accident. It was surreal. Her family had simply driven out of her life. How could that happen? How could that even be real?
Now she wanted to do what was best for the boys – she didn’t want to disrupt their new life, but it broke her heart to think how confused they must be. She didn’t know what Graham had told them about their break-up. And try as she might, she just couldn’t overcome her need to place a palm on their soft, plump cheeks, smell their soapy skin, and kiss their silken hair one more time. All her desperate efforts to see them for Christmas had failed, but, unexpectedly, Samantha had rung a day ago with the news that she was babysitting the boys one day during the week. Jess could sneak in to visit them.
‘Graham’s going to kill me when the boys dob,’ Samantha had sighed.
‘I know, I’m so sorry to put you into the middle of this,’ Jess had replied.
‘It doesn’t matter. They need to see you,’ Samantha had said, ‘and it’s just wrong that he’s cut you off like this. He’s such a dickhead. Umm, and sweetie, I hate to break this to you, but you do know Karen and Graham were married a few months back?’
Jessica had just laughed. Typical. Graham had always insisted he’d never get married again. Seems he just hadn’t wanted to marry her.
So here she was, parked behind Samantha’s Hyundai outside Graham and Karen’s cottage.
Samantha opened the door to Jessica’s shaky knock and grinned at her. ‘They’re so excited,’ she said. ‘I told them half an hour ago.’ She led Jess through the first door off the hallway to where two cross-legged figures sat in front of the television.
‘Hello, my beautiful boys,’ Jess said. Both children flicked around as one. ‘Mumma!’ they screeched and scrambled to stand and run in one motion. They flung their arms around her and squeezed so hard that Jess toppled from her crouched position onto her bottom. The boys piled on top of her, both of them trying to reach her face.
‘Why are you crying?’ Callum demanded.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked Liam, getting off Jess’s supine body. ‘Are you sad?’
‘No, you silly chickens,’ Jess said, laughing through her tears. ‘I’m very, very happy to see you! Look at you both; you’re so big! You got so big. Help me up.’ The boys dragged Jess to her feet and she stood and looked down at them standing next to each other, grinning.
‘Oh, Callum, sweetheart you’ve lost your first tooth, look at that. You look twice as cheeky now.’
‘No, Mumma, that�
�s my third tooth!’ Callum said proudly.
His statement felt like a knife slicing her guts. It was agony to think she’d missed so many important milestones in their lives.
She smiled through her tears and said, ‘And, Liam, you’ve got glasses, darling. My goodness, you look so clever. Come and sit down on the couch with me for big cuddles.’ Jess nestled on the sofa while Samantha put the kettle on. An intense sense of deja vu struck as both boys tucked their shoulders under her arms and draped their legs across her legs automatically, just as they’d done hundreds of times before. Sadness grabbed at her throat.
‘Now, I want every detail. How was prep, Callum? Big, grown-up schoolboy. I can’t believe it.’
‘I can read now,’ Callum replied proudly.
‘You can not,’ his big brother scoffed.
‘I can so, I can read fifty words.’
‘Can you?’ Jess said. ‘That’s so brilliant, you’re so clever. What about you, Liam? How was the first year at your new school?’
‘Okay, I guess,’ Liam replied. ‘But Mumma, I missed you so much. Why did we have to leave? Callum cried lots, you know; but that’s cos he’s a baby.’
‘I’m not a baby,’ Callum said indignantly. ‘But I had bad dreams, Mumma, and I woked up. Why weren’t you there when I wanted you?’
Jess covered her face with her hands. The pain was too much. The thought of the confusion and sadness the boys must have felt to be wrenched away overwhelmed her.
Callum prised two of her fingers from her tear-stained cheek and she felt his hot breath on her face.
‘Was it cos I was bad, Mumma? I’m sorry I was naughty lots.’
‘Oh, sweetheart.’ Jess sat up and held them both tighter. ‘You weren’t naughty. You are both my beautiful, beautiful boys and I couldn’t love you one bit more than I do – and that will always be the same. Sometimes mums and dads can’t live together anymore, so they go to live in new places; but they never stop loving their children just as much as they always did. And do you know, I’ve missed you both every single day since you left, and I’ve thought of you every day too. I love you both bigger than the moon you know.’
‘I love you bigger than Jupiter,’ Callum chimed in with their well-practised routine.
‘I love you bigger than the whole universe,’ Liam added.
Jess laughed and hugged them to her. ‘Now tell me about your holidays. Are you having fun?’
Now there was a topic of interest, and the two conversations spilled on top of each other as they gabbled about Scienceworks, play-dates with new school friends and, Jess was pleased to hear, even a horse-riding weekend.
She noticed the boys’ chatter was liberally punctuated with Karen’s name. She’d expected that to happen, but not for it to hurt so much. Samantha walked back in the room as Liam was saying, ‘...and Karen’s sister has a water slide. It’s so cool.’
‘Callum, I don’t think Jess wants to hear about Karen anymore,’ Samantha said.
‘No that’s okay, I’m pleased they’re enjoying themselves ... Really,’ Jess said and reached out for her tea as the boys tumbled onto the floor in a wrestle.
‘How are you?’ Samantha asked when the children were out of earshot, squealing in delight at the Christmas presents Jess had brought for them.
‘Oh God, that was incredible,’ Jess said. ‘I can’t believe how much they’ve both grown up. But excruciating as well – to have them ask why I haven’t been to see them before was agony. How do you explain this mess to kids?’
Her eyes started to well again and Samantha pulled out a clean tissue from her jumper sleeve. ‘Sorry,’ Jess whispered. ‘I just can’t help it.’
‘It’s all right darling, I’d kill him if he took them away from me. That’s why I’ve kept in contact with the bugger.’
At the sound of a car pulling up outside, Samantha looked up in wide-eyed fright. ‘Oh, shit,’ she said, ‘that’s them. They’re not supposed to be back for hours.’
‘Hi, Dad. Hi Karen,’ the little voices trilled from the hallway. Samantha and Jessica stared at each other in horror, wishing the floor would swallow the entire couch.
‘Hello, Samantha, thanks for minding the boys. Hello, Jess, fancy seeing you here.’ Graham was as slick as oil as he entered the room. ‘I don’t believe you’ve met Karen. Karen, this is Jessica.’
At least Karen had the decency to act uncomfortable. She was a nice looking woman, in a plain kind of way. She had mousy hair and glasses and was wearing a simple beige linen shift dress: quite the opposite of Jess in her way-out lurid colors and flowing fabrics.
‘Oh, right, um, yes ... hello,’ Karen said and folded and unfolded her hands. ‘My, well, this is awkward. Okay then, tea, yes, kettle. Anybody want something? No? Never mind ... I’ll pop it on anyway.’ With that she skittered off down the hall, but not before Jess saw Graham shoot her that irritated look with which she was so familiar.
‘So what brings you to the big smoke?’ Graham asked as if Jess had just popped in on her way by. ‘Desperate to get a taste of big city action, I bet?’
‘Oh, I just brought the boys their Christmas presents,’ Jess explained. All three adults were standing in the room in a triangle. Samantha’s eyes darted nervously from Graham to Jess.
‘Well, aren’t you thoughtful? But really entirely unnecessary. You didn’t need to go to the bother.’ Graham started collecting and screwing up the discarded gift-wrap. ‘So, how’s work? You still waitressing?’
‘I still own the General Store, yes,’ Jess replied.
‘Excellent, good to see someone’s maintaining our rural areas. They’re in such a dreadful state, aren’t they, what with the drought, the fires, the unemployment? I don’t know how anyone stands living in the country.’
‘Well, the Peninsula doesn’t have fires or unemployment actually,’ Jess began and remembered how he was like talking to a brick wall. She couldn’t believe that she used to find this side of his personality commanding and attractive.
‘Yes, dreadful state of affairs,’ Graham continued as if she hadn’t opened her mouth.
‘How are the boys?’ Jess said.
‘Haven’t you seen them yet? I thought that’s why you were here?’ Graham said in mock bafflement. His sister rolled her eyes and left the room to help Karen.
‘Yes, I can see they’re healthy. But are they happy? Are they, you know, well? I’d just like to know what their year’s been like.’
Graham sat on the couch with one ankle perched on his knee and his arms folded behind his head, the very picture of cocky self-assuredness. ‘Oh, just grand. Of course Callum’s broken arm took much longer to heal–’
‘Callum broke his arm?’ Jess said in fright. ‘When?’
‘Oh, that’s right, you were gone by then. He was climbing the back fence. He did his forearm, both bones, the little bugger. This time last year. I was interstate as luck would have it so Karen had to juggle the two of them.’
Jessica couldn’t tell if she was going to faint or vomit. Her little baby, in hospital with a broken arm, with some bloody stranger looking after him. They could have called her. She would have sat by his bedside and read books and sung songs until he recovered. Well, she desperately tried to reassure herself, at least Samantha would have been there.
‘And worst timing, Samantha was in Italy.’ Did he just say that to fuck with her mind? Jess looked at Graham blankly. No, he was completely oblivious to the fact that she wanted the boys desperately and would have moved heaven and earth to care for them. Maybe he doesn’t know because I’ve never told him, she suddenly thought.
‘Graham, I was wondering if it was at all possible for me to see the boys occasionally. You know, now that the dust has settled.’ She twisted her hands in desperation.
‘For God’s sake, Jessica, do you have to keep making life so bloody difficult?’ Graham snapped.
Jessica failed to see how cooking his meals, giving him free rent for four years and loving his babie
s made his life so ‘difficult’, but she knew arguing wouldn’t get her anywhere.
‘Oh, Graham, I don’t mean to be a pain, I’m not expecting you to come down to the farm or anything. I could come to town, just now and then. Please, Graham.’
Graham slipped his phone out of his pocket and checked it.
‘I don’t know, Jess, we’ve just got them settled. It’s going along very nicely without you interfering.’
‘Well, I could be your babysitter on call.’ Jess knew she was clutching at straws but she was prepared to do whatever it took. ‘For free of course, so that’s a good deal isn’t it, Graham?’ She couldn’t get his attention.
‘Good God, look at the time. You must be desperate to get back and miss the worst of the traffic. We’ve taken up far too much of your time already,’ he said, as if she hadn’t spoken.
Graham picked up her handbag and in one motion had her at the open front door.
‘Can I say goodbye to the boys?’ she asked.
‘Oh, I’m sure they’ll be fine – I’ll pass on your farewells.’
‘But Graham, they’ll be so disappointed if I don’t say goodbye.’
‘Oh, Jess, darling, I do believe you’re overestimating your own importance in their lives. It’s been a year, you know. Best regards to your family. Ciao.’ And he shut the door just centimetres from her nose.
24
It had been a miserable couple of days since Jessica’s visit to the boys. She’d been so frustrated and pissed off with Graham pushing her out the door and speaking to her like an idiot that she’d just let loose and screamed with frustration on the drive home. Finally, with her throat sore from yelling and her heart pounding with adrenaline, she decided she was going to fight the bastard. There was no way she was going to give up on being a part of the boys’ life, no matter how difficult Graham tried to make it. Just making the decision made her feel stronger and more determined and she liked feeling that way.
