All good things must come to an end and our kiss ended slowly that night. The living room light was on, so I knew Brett was up; I figured that was probably a good thing for me. Parker walked me up the steps to my door and we kissed again but this time it felt different. It was a good strong end to a good day kiss. I knew there would be no pushing from him for more and a brother inside to keep anything from happening even if he did. I invited him in but he politely declined. One more kiss and he was gone.
We had an understanding. He got to first base fast, which is ironic considering that he wouldn't play past there. Always to Parker I was a means to an end, I was a companion, a warm body to walk beside him. I was a substitute. He was waiting on Haylee, but the wait was long and he was lonely, and he was slowly realizing maybe she wouldn't come back. I was the first safe girl he found to wait with, but he was not safe for me. My heart wanted to belong to him. No matter how many rules I had, it betrayed me. Parker was the kind of guy every girl dreamed of and he only wanted to kiss. We lived on first base from that first date, both getting what we needed—him, companionship and someone to share his love of Haylee with; and me—arms to hold me and a sounding board about the mystery Cole had become. We were parasites feeding off each other, each taking what we needed to survive.
The texts and the calls came often after that. Not just from Parker, but from Cole, too. It was like once Cole had bared his soul he felt closer to me than ever. I did believe that he had changed, but not enough to put my heart in his hands again. But he obviously wanted another chance.
As soon as the boys were back in town, while my head was still reeling in the clouds at the way Parker was able to capture my heart with a kiss, and his undying love for a girl who didn't love him back, Cole was asking me out. I tried to let him down easy, but he wouldn't have it. He wanted me to give him a chance to prove things were different.
“I believe you … I do,” I told him. “But you never win going backwards. There's nothing there for us.”
“But we're not going backwards. This is all new. I'm new; you ... you're new. Everything about you is different. Don't you think it means something that we're both here?”
“No, not at all,” I answered dishonestly; There had been several times over those first weeks I wondered that exact thing. How had we managed to find each other again after all those years and over all those miles?
“Not for old time’s sake, for a new thing. Give me a chance.”
“For what? You've got to keep your mind on the game.”
“Trust me, it's on the game. There's nothing I want more. I know that now. It's everything I've ever wanted, I'm living my dream. I want someone to share it with. You're her.”
“I'm soooooo not her!”
“I think you are.”
“I think you're nuts. You play your game and keep your focus on that.”
“C'mon, Tatum.” I looked at him. Desperation didn't suit him at all. I knew it was desperation because he was used to getting what he wanted. Part of me felt bad for him. He had a huge cross to bear. I watched him even more closely after his revelation. Everything he did was a penance for Stacy's death. He was charming but it was dutiful, as if he talked to enough boys after each game about how to hit right and catch right, or if he avoided the ladies after games, he could somehow make up for her death. It was sad; I never noticed it before for what it was. His face was as gorgeous as ever, his smile and presence commanding, but I could see the pain in his eyes, like I saw it in Parker's.
I couldn't understand why I was stuck in the middle of two boys like them, one whom I wanted, who wouldn't have me because his heart belonged to another, and one who was convinced I was his way to redemption. It didn't make sense and Parker made it ten times worse because he was on Cole's side.
There was a bar close to the base called Rollies that a lot of soldiers frequented. I knew it well and Parker and I met up there a few days after our hike in the woods to play pool. Tech Sergeant Warbiany just so happened to be there, too.
“Well, look who the cat dragged in,” he said, grinning at me that first time I came in under Parker's arm.
I nodded and smiled.
“I see you traded up,” he said, looking at me.
“I don't know, did I?” I asked and we all laughed.
They did some friendly man handshake thing and started talking about the upcoming tactical rodeo. I walked away to order myself a beer. When I looked back at them, I could tell the conversation had switched to more personal things, like me ... and her. Apparently, the Tech Sergeant gave advice to heartbroken airmen, too. Parker came over after a few minutes and somehow Cole’s name came up.
I figured it didn't matter if I talked about Cole since he could hardly go an hour without bringing up Haylee. I was looking for sympathy and I told Parker I was nervous about dating Cole again. But he offered the opposite.
“I think you should give him a chance,” he said.
“Wouldn't that bother you?”
He shook his head. “Why would it? We're not exclusive—your rules, remember.”
“Don't you want to be exclusive?” I asked.
Again he shook his head. “That's part of the reason you're safe. No strings.”
“Because of her. Because if she comes calling, you'll go running?”
“Exactly.”
“What about me?”
“I haven't hidden her from you since day one. I'm hers. I want her back. I'm not done believing it yet. I think Cole's hoping you'll come back to him.”
“Wait a minute—they’re not even close to the same type of situation. I broke up with him because he was a bad boyfriend.”
“And I loved one girl my whole life and never wanted anything more than her, and she broke my heart ... and I'd still give her a second chance if she asked me to.”
“Even if you found out she cheated on you?”
“She didn't.”
“See ... different.”
“That part, yeah, but he's sorry. You believe that, right?”
“Yeah, but I don't want to go there with him again.”
“But you loved him?”
“Here's the thing,” I said, turning in my stool to look him straight on. “I fall in love easily. I mean I used to.” I wasn't about to tell him I was already falling for him despite all my counter-measures to defend against it. “I mean, I still could, probably would, without my rules. Yes, I loved him, but I've probably loved a dozen other guys too.”
“That wasn't love.”
“Yes, it was.”
He shook his head. “No, love only happens when you know the other person could rip your heart out and you still put it in their hands. When you talk about him,” he said, pointing to me, “I can see that there was love there. What you just said about the other guys wasn't love. Infatuation, maybe.”
I snorted. I wanted to believe I fell in love easily, that it wasn't just Cole I loved. But Parker had a point: none of the others came close to the pain Cole caused.
“But love shouldn't hurt.”
“No, and perfect love doesn't. Perfect love casts out fear and pain and you can trust it.”
“Well, that's not what we had.”
“No, because no one has perfect love ... ‘cause no one is perfect, but you can have the best kind of love known to man.”
“Ha!” I laughed. “That's not going to happen with Cole.”
“Why not?”
“Um, because what about you? What if I want to fall madly in love with you?” I said, leaning into him and kissing him quickly. “I don't want to give him a second chance when I'm trying to see where this thing with you will go.”
He smiled. “This thing with me won't go anywhere. Give him a chance.”
“Why do you say that but then keep on asking me out?”
“Because I like your fire. But I have hope, too.”
“But it's not fair to me ... and it's not fair to you. You like me?”
He nodded.
&nbs
p; “How long are you going to hold out hope for her?”
“As long as it takes.”
“Well, that's stupid. Put a time limit on it.”
“On what?”
“On how long it takes her to come around. Are you really going to be one of those guys who waste away because the woman you love won’t have you? You're too good of a catch for that. I'm telling you right now, I'd take good care of you. I wouldn't do what she did.”
“You don't know what we went through.”
“It doesn't matter. I'm a girl; trust me, if she says it's over ... and hasn't talked to you in months—how many is it now? –It’s over. She's not coming back.”
“So you say.”
“Yep,” I said. I nodded smugly and took another long drink from my beer.
“Ok then, how about this ... I'll put a time limit on how long I'll wait for her, if you give Cole a second chance.”
It was an offer I couldn't refuse even if a date with Cole was the price I had to pay. I agreed and he made me text Cole right then and there.
As for Parker, his date was set for February 11th. Eight months away. It seemed reasonable for a guy like him. He picked it fast and confessed he set it months before when she officially broke up with him.
“You cheated,” I said, slapping his shoulder.
Parker smiled back.
Cole texted me back within the hour. He already had a plan.
CHAPTER 16
DATING COLE was nothing like going out with Parker. Leisurely, all day dates to nowhere in particular were out of the question. His schedule was tight, tighter even than a soldier's, and most days were game days and half of those were somewhere else. Off days were for training, or I was working. And even if we had all day, Cole was fire, just like me, the destination was always the point with him.
Our first date would be to one of the Mariners’ games. I'd been to games with my parents and brothers and friends but going with a player on one of the Mariners’ league teams was awesome. We got box seats and were so close to the action it was almost like being on the field. It was nice to be with him but it was strange, too. I knew what he was going to order at the food stand, except this time we were both old enough to get beers, too. I knew that when he got really excited about a play he kind of bounced in his seat the way I imagined him doing when he was a little kid. I knew him. There wasn't anything new. If we kissed, I could almost remember how it would go. If we did more I knew that, too. I hated that my mind kept going there. He caught me looking at his lips once and winked. I rolled my eyes and looked back at the game. He knew me, too.
It was a good game, a nice neutral first date; nothing too deep or intimate, but it was the drive home that changed everything. I knew then, if never before, that he really was different. He had no car so we took mine and I wasn't about to let him drive. We talked the entire time about baseball, about what we had been doing with our lives, and everything in between. I liked him for a friend but still didn't know if he was safe. He was beyond comfortable with me since confessing his darkest secret and didn't hide that he wanted more. I had to tell him about Parker.
“You're seeing him?”
“Yep, and I like him, and I'm not going to stop because we're going out.”
“You're not doing anything but kissing?”
“Well, I mean, we hold hands and stuff but nothing more until we're exclusive.”
“But you don't want to go there yet.”
I snorted. “It's not me.”
“Oh, he doesn't want to go there.”
“Nope.” I explained to him all I knew about Parker's complicated one-sided relationship with Haylee and how he said he liked me because my game kept us both safe. I told Cole that if he wanted to date me, he would be playing by my rules the whole time, too.
“You did this whole game because of me?” Cole asked.
“Yeah, and now every guy has to play by my rules because of you.”
“It's kind of cool; how did you come up with it all?”
He listened without interrupting as I explained, then asked, “Do you have an allowance for the guy that wants to marry you but wants to have sex before the whole wedding thing.”
“No.”
“Wow ...”
I shrugged. “I don't want to be used again.”
“But what if he sucks in bed? And you're married ... for life.”
“I’ve got a lifetime to show him how to turn me on.”
“I don't know. It seems harsh.”
“You don't have to like the rules. You don't even have to play.”
“No, no.” He grinned and moved his hand to my hair. “I'm all in. How do you explain us finding each other again?”
“It's coincidence. Things like that happen all the time.”
He laughed. “No they don't.”
“Yeah, but I don't know you, though. I know who you were. I don't know this new guy that you are. I keep waiting for some girl to come out from the bleachers and suck your face like you've had her behind my back this whole time.”
“I'm not like that anymore.”
“You can say it but it's hard to believe it.”
“Fair enough. I got all the time in the world to prove it.”
“Yeah, or until August when the season's over and you go home.”
“Might not be over by then if we move into the regionals. I'll be here through September and by then you'll be wrapped around my finger,” he said, twisting one of my locks around his finger, teasing my cheek while he did it. Something inside me came to life. I remembered his touch. I wanted it again. Whatever was going to happen with Parker all of a sudden didn't matter so much. I wanted to play with Cole, too.
“Really?” I asked. “You think so? I don't think you've got it in you. I mean, I know all your moves and outside of the bedroom there weren't many.”
“You don't know me at all, remember?” he countered. “I got moves.”
“Mmmm hmmm.”
“I do and I'll get you.”
“Doubt it, but have fun trying.”
“Oh, I will.” We laughed a little, then the conversation turned to other things.
When we got to the guys’ apartments I stopped to let him out but he didn't open the door right away. “So this is the end. I get my kiss, right?”
I laughed in his face. “Not even close, buddy.”
“Wait a second—that wasn't boring, that was fun. I should get a kiss.”
“Sorry, not good enough.”
“It was too good enough. What are you talking about?”
“Dude, my game, my rules.”
“That's a bad call. I did what I was supposed to do; now you're supposed to pay up.”
“Or what, you'll be done with me?” I raised my eyebrows. I knew it, he was the same, expecting more than what would be given, demanding what wasn't his.
“You think you got me. You think you won. I told you I'm different and I'm all in. You want this game, you have it. I’m not going anywhere, and I'll have my kiss.”
“Not tonight you won't. Bye, Cole.”
“You're going to drive me crazy.”
“Hey, you're free to leave at any time, Turbo.”
He looked at me while he opened the door, the golden flecks in his eyes sparkling with their fire in the dome light. “I told you, there's a reason we found each other again.”
“You getting soft, man ... eat your Wheaties. Peace.”
His face told me everything I needed to know. I had just become his biggest challenge. The only one to ever deny him anything he wanted. For that reason alone I knew he wouldn't leave me alone. I relished the moment and fantasized about all the ways I would tell him no and torture him. The whole game was about him and I was going to make him pay for every time I lost before. I was going to hold out until he gave up on me. I was going to prove to him that all he ever wanted was sex and, in the end, I knew I would be right. I knew it but something inside me wanted it to be wrong. My heart wanted him to lo
ve me for me. I wanted him to follow the rules and love me.
But then what? That was the part I wasn't so sure about. Did I want to crush his heart the way he did mine and Stacy's? Make him feel that kind of pain? I knew he did already. He was different, he really was, and I wondered if there was a chance for a future with a boy I used to love in the past. And if there was, what about Parker?
It was too much for me and it was happening so fast. I would go out with Parker one day and then see Cole the next at the gym or on the field, and play a flirting game with him. They took me out and accepted that I was seeing someone else, but I could tell Cole was a little jealous, though he tried not to show it.
After our third date, a paddle boat ride in the Sound, I dropped Cole off again at his place, and this time I wanted a kiss. A song came on the radio just before I stopped the car. It was the perfect moment and before I even thought about what I was doing I turned it up. “I love this song!” I said. “Dance with me!” In that moment I wanted nothing more than Cole to come over to my side of the car, open my door, pull me out, and dance with me the way my dad had danced with my mom. The whole thing played out in my head perfectly; then he opened his mouth.
“We've been over this,” he said, bringing up our past, something he wasn't supposed to do.
“But you're different now, remember? You have to dance with me.”
Catching Tatum Page 17
