“Yeah.” I nodded. “A good point. See, if I was to rush anything, I'd lose this moment right here, right now, caught up in the arms of a hot, shirtless guy.”
“Umm hmm,” he said, leaning in. I knew he was going to kiss me and I knew it was going to be all mine, no Haylee in this one. I pulled back.
“I don't get this,” I said, pushing my palms onto his bare chest. Bad move, it just made me want him more.
“What?”
“How we can do this? I don't know what I do or don't want from you. One second I'm sure you're the guy I want, then Cole will come and do something, or say something so incredibly sweet, that I'm sure it's him. Or ... what about her? Am I taking you from her? I don't want to be that girl. I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that one.”
“She broke up with me. I don't owe her anything right now, and we both know that it's just flesh on flesh with us anyway.”
“Um, no, it's not. I have feelings for you.”
“Not the forever kind.”
“How do you know?”
“Can you see forever with me yet? Or is he there muddling it up?”
I smiled pathetically into his face. “He's there.”
“And she's there for me. Whether we want them there or not, we're both hopelessly stuck ... right where we are.”
“But we're supposed to go with the flow?” I asked, eyebrows raised.
“Exactly. That's why you're going to let me kiss you as much and as often as I want with nothing more to it.” He pulled me closer.
“Oh, you think so?” I asked, lifting my arms to his neck.
“I know so,” he answered, lowering his eyes and kissing me with more feeling than a kiss with nothing more to it should be allowed to possess.
He was awarded a short leave a few weeks later so we bought cheap military airline tickets instead of driving for time's sake. Cole wasn't happy about me being alone with Parker but sent me off with a hug and a book to occupy my time, like I had done for him a dozen times that summer.
We rented a car when we landed and drove straight to her place. When we got there, I stayed in the car while he knocked. I wanted to go but he thought it best if he made first contact without a stranger. He came back quickly. There was no answer. We waited outside her apartment for an hour planning what to do next. Wait or come back later. Leave a note or don't. There were so many options and, then, there she was with another guy.
CHAPTER 19
I FELT PARKER'S HEARTBREAK as much as I saw it on his face. It didn't matter that we had our own semi-relationship going on. She was with another man. He was bigger than Parker, I could tell that even from our distance, and he wore a baseball hat like Cole, but looked like neither of my suitors, and was very clearly Haylee's.
Within seconds Parker started the rental and drove away in a blaze. He was angry, I could tell by the way his jaw clenched, but he was in anguish, too. He drove to escape the city, and then kept driving and driving and driving.
“I always wanted to see the redwood forests,” he said after an hour or more. “Let's go there.” He reached over to take my hand and gently, ever so gently, intertwined his fingers with mine and pulled my hand to his lips. I watched in silence as he stared straight ahead, giving the road way more focus than it demanded. His chin quivered, his chest rose and fell, and my heart broke as his did.
I knew then he wasn't mine. He never had been and never would be, but I would love him through his heartache no matter what it meant for Cole and me. That's what I told myself, even though my heart ached at the idea of ending things with Cole.
How could I care about them both so much? And how dare they both depend on me to get them through their pain of losing other girls? And how did I help them? What could I do?
One thing I could do was give Parker the time he needed to think through his feelings alone. He was quiet by nature. Instead of trying to get him to talk, I let him be, and used the silence and miles to explore my own life. I realized I needed the drive, the movement and the energy that came with it. I couldn't figure out my love life in a million miles, but within three hundred I knew my career path was back on track. I needed to travel; it was in my blood. As much as I loved the gym and the US military, I was meant for the road and for baseball. I would be a physical therapist for a sports team and go with them wherever the season demanded.
After calling the rental company to be sure we could take the car up the coast and return it in Washington, I sent simple texts to Brett, my parents, and Cole, explaining that the plans had changed and we'd be back a day later than expected, and by car at that. Parker had a three-day leave, which would be plenty of time to run back up the coast, but our original plan only had us gone one full day with a red-eye flight back the following day. We'd only been gone from home for eight hours, but it seemed like a hundred years. Everything was different.
For hours we went west then north in complete and utter silence. I knew he needed it. It was one thing to think about the person you love with someone else—it was another to see it. I thought of Stacy. The difference was, he already knew it was over with Haylee. There were no rules of relationship binding them together; they were history. She wasn't cheating; she was moving on the way he wasn't able to.
Finally, we found the coast and he found his voice. “I can't believe it. I thought for sure she would come back.”
“She still could.”
He turned to look at me. His doubt and anger pooled deep and penetrated me.
“She could,” I reiterated. “He could be a total loser and she'll remember how you were and break up with him and come back to you. Or she could realize the two of you are meant to be.”
“But it was supposed to be just us. Only us.”
I didn't know what he meant. “Then what about you and me?”
“We're not together. We haven't been together. That's why I like you. There's no way you'd let me.”
“Let you what?”
“Sleep with you.”
“What?”
“As soon as I heard all your rules I knew I could be with you and not have to be with you,” he said.
“Wait, what do you mean?”
He shook his head and grinned sadly. “You'll figure it out.” Then we drove on hours more in relative silence, stopping only for directions, or gas, or food breaks. By dark we were nearly to the redwoods and stopped for the night. We split the hotel room, and the bed, down the middle.
One bed. Two lonely souls.
We stood there, frozen, as if we stared long enough another bed would magically appear. It did not. One bed. It was late and we were tired but had nothing but the clothes on our backs. It was only supposed to have been a long day trip. We weren't supposed to sleep, especially together, especially without pajamas … and with no toothbrush.
“I can take the floor,” he said.
“You're not going to take the floor. We can handle ourselves in the bed. I'm going to go get some things.”
“What?”
“I need a toothbrush,” I said.
“A toothbrush?”
“Well, yeah, I'm not going to wake up next to you and have morning breath.”
He nodded and smiled and went to the nightstand beside the bed, pulled the drawer open and tapped the book inside. I knew what it was. They were in every hotel I'd ever been in. I left him there, alone in the room with the Bible and went to find not one but two toothbrushes. The lobby had a vending machine with necessities we needed. I punched the buttons and got them quickly but lingered before returning. I think part of it was to give him time, but I was nervous too. I knew this night would change everything. It was nearly midnight when I returned.
“I got something for you,” I whispered and tossed him his toothbrush.
“You didn't have to.”
“Fine, then you owe me. Let me use your shirt?” I asked.
He nodded, looking at me. And then I knew. He would try to replace her tonight. And for reasons that had not
hing to do with her or him whatsoever, I wouldn't allow it. It was not the night to share my secret.
Tension, thick and syrupy, filled the room as he pulled his shirt up over his head, baring his chest, sending a thrill through the heart in my own. He tossed it and I took it with me to the bathroom. I shimmied off my clothes and contemplated my pink lacy panties, barely hidden by the hem of his shirt. Did I want him to see them? It would be easy enough to make an innocent move that revealed them. What would he do? I imagined his hands slipping up under the shirt, tickling my stomach, fingers curling in the elastic and lace, giving a tug. One little pull and … and I would give it all up to him. But I couldn't. I was sure he didn't have a condom, and I couldn't sleep with him unprotected. Nope, I couldn't do that to him. I had to be strong, but I wanted him and there was a store not far that would carry what we needed. Knock it off, Tatum, I said to my reflection and walked out.
He wasn't in bed; he was standing beside it, shirtless, in dark green boxers. The shadows cast by the one lamp left on highlighted his muscles, seducing me visually. Scrawny or not, he was built. I felt my nipples harden and rub against the fabric of his shirt and it took conscious effort not to look down and see how obvious they were in the light of the room. Did he notice? Did he like them? Could he imagine holding them in his hands and mouth the way I could? Again, we stood frozen.
“Geez, we're not kids in the back seat of a car. We're two adults sharing a bed for the night, right?” I asked nervously.
He nodded but the tension in his body said otherwise. He wanted me so he could forget her. The question was … would I let him take me?
I stared at him and got into the bed. He followed slowly and turned off the lamp beside him. The blackout curtains let in a tiny bit of pink light from the parking lot but otherwise it was pitch black and silent. He reached for me in the darkness and I turned to him, still unsure of what I would do. I had my rules ... and my secret, but I'd never been closer to letting either go. But I didn't want to tell him, especially on a night like this. There was no way.
He propped up on his elbow and bent down to find my lips and I moved to meet him. It was like electricity when our lips met. There was a desperation in him I'd never felt before. He was hurt and I was comfort. He was lonely and I was company. He was no longer bound to her. Or was he? He was. He was mad and I was retaliation. I would not be that and I would not be the other woman. But I would let him kiss me a little longer.
My hand found his hair and tangled into it; his hand moved down, down the side of my face, down my neck, down my chest, slowing only slightly as it grazed over my breast and I sucked in a breath. I wanted it but I didn't. Not like this with both of us in the middle of something with someone else. But I let him continue down my torso to rest on my hip. He squeezed slightly and, without conscious effort, my body responded and arched up and over to him. I felt him, erect. I'd been in this position, maybe not the exact position but pretty much the same, with Cole plenty of times when we were in high school. I knew what came next; I would reach over and touch him. I wanted to touch him, to feel his strength and vulnerability under my fingers, and he would let me do anything and everything I wanted.
But it didn't have to come next.
He groaned, low and deep. He kissed me harder, and his thumb latched the lace of my panties. He wanted me. A delicious shiver tingled all the way down my spine. I leaned further into him, my thighs pressed tight against him. He lifted his lips ever so slightly from mine, licked them sweetly, and gave me the pep talk I needed, even though it was for him not for me.
“You have to be strong.”
“Why? Tell me why,” I said, biting his lower lip just a little.
“Because you believe she's my true love,” he said, kissing me hard, squeezing my hip in his strong hand.
I arched in response, and whispered “What if I believe you're my true love?”
He kissed me again. “You don't. Not yet; it's not in your eyes. You don't know who you love.”
“You don't know what I know.”
“Don't I?” he asked, moving his thumb slowly, deliberately under the lace.
“No.”
“You can see his face right now, just like I can see hers. But I won't stop tonight.”
Our words were staggered between kisses; deep, long, desperate kisses that begged for more but hoped nothing else would happen.
“Come on, girl,” he whispered, pushing my shirt up. At the same time he moved his head away from mine, lowering it. He was nearly to second and rubbed against me beginning a rhythm neither one of us would be able to stop. “You want to prove to yourself that you can follow your rules.”
“Why don't you quit driving me crazy then?” I panted, restraining the urge to take him in my hands.
“I'm weak tonight,” he said lifting his face back to mine, “I've respected your rules because I was waiting for her. But I always felt like you'd bend them if I pushed you, so I never did. Tonight I will push you and you need to be strong enough for both of us.”
“Why?”
“Redemption.”
He was giving me a chance to redo one of my biggest regrets, if I wanted to. But he was also telling me he wouldn't stop me, not this time …I had to stop myself. And he was pleading with me to take the do-over, to stop, to save us both.
I took it. I could do it. No man owned me. I was stronger than the boiling desire running through my body. I could do it … I really could do it! With every ounce of effort I had left, I pushed Parker off me, onto his back and laid a hand on his chest, his beating heart knocking fiercely under it.
“We're not doing anything tonight,” I said and leaned down for a final kiss. My dreads rolled all around us. His arms wrapped me up and I knew he tasted the tears that ran from my eyes as they made a trail down my face. I did it. I was strong enough.
“That a girl.” He cooed, pride and relief ringing in his voice. He cupped my head to his chest and we held each other a long time in stillness, afraid the slightest move would set us off again.
“Good night, Parker,” I whispered and curled my leg over his.
He ran his thumb across my cheek. “Sweet dreams,” he said, kissing my forehead.
The next morning my phone vibrated on the nightstand, waking me. Parker was gone, along with one of the coffee cups by the mini coffee pot. I was alone in the room. I had always been a hard sleeper but it surprised me that I could sleep through him getting up, brewing coffee, and leaving the room.
Since his shirt was on my back, I knew he couldn't have gone far. It was like him to take an early morning walk alone.
I went to my phone. It was a text from Cole. I smiled.
CHAPTER 20
Now I know how u feel when I'm on the road. I miss your beautiful face.
Awwww
U having fun?
Yep, yep! Gonna see the Redwoods today. Should b back way late tonite
I'll be gone.
:(
I'll be back Friday.
I know. I'll be at the game silly
Wanna go out Saturday?
lol sure. I'm off at 2
I SMILED TO MYSELF, because of Cole's text and because of me. No guilt—none! I screamed a little and danced with the phone. I wanted to see him. The night before had changed everything. I would be there for Parker but I realized I wanted to be with Cole.
The trees and ocean views on the coast along Highway 101 were breathtaking. Parker stopped at the first two beaches we came to and we hunted for shells, chased seagulls, and stuck our toes into the salty sand. We found a long dock at one inlet and walked out on it, hand-in-hand, and for once holding hands with Parker felt wrong. The trees were majestic and demanded awe. We pulled off the highway frequently to follow trails into the thick of them and stand at their bases and marvel at how high and wide and large they really were. It was a bright, cloudless summer day but some of the trees were so big and tall the sun's rays barely peppered the ground under them. I always thought the red
wood forest was this one little place in California, but the giant trees of Northern California dotted the coast for miles.
Parker tried to get caught up in the landscape or lost in the Sasquatch myths that pervaded the area—the boy was obsessed with Bigfoot—but then I would see his eyes darken, shoulders slump, and his dreams of a happily ever after with her, poof into smoke all over again. It hurt me to see him in pain, but I didn't know how to fix it or psychologize him through it, so I tried to distract him when I saw the look on his face. I would jump on his back and make him run with me, or wrap my legs and arms around him tight and try to soak up the hurt that I pretended not to have noticed. When we were in the car I asked him about books or Bigfoot or planes—anything, anything to keep his face from turning down the way it did when he thought of her.
Eventually the forest ended and so did California. We drove through Oregon accompanied by a Clive Cussler book full of mystery and adventure that he picked up at a little bookstore in some nameless town where we stopped to eat. Then we were home, like it never happened, except that Parker wasn't the same. He was quieter than usual and I could tell depression was getting the best of him. I felt like it was all my fault. If we never went down there, he never would have seen her with another guy and he wouldn't have given up hope. I apologized and he insisted it wasn't my problem, but I still felt responsible.
Cole came back the following Friday and asked for an early ride to the gym. I was more than happy to oblige. I missed him and couldn't wait to see him. He was waiting, like usual, outside when I got there. The sun was dawning a little later every day and that hot August morning it was dark when I picked him up. He was silhouetted in the street light when I pulled up and the first thought that popped into my head was that I wouldn't have been able to resist him had it been him in the bed instead of Parker.
“What?” he asked as he got in.
I grinned like a school girl. “Nothing,” I said, but then kissed him and told him that I'd missed him. I hated that all I could think about was making out with Cole the whole drive to the gym. I wanted to touch him, feel his skin on my skin. My body was such a traitor, or was it a magnet to what it wanted? He filled me in on the last game and did a couple of rounds with me at the gym before leaving with Derrick later that morning.
Catching Tatum Page 20
